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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

13 year old completely disobeyed me

42 replies

Justcantdeal · 12/01/2022 15:07

Had words with my 13dd this morning. I'm quite unwell at the minute. Doctor advised me to present at A&E last night to undergo tests. I said if I got worse I would but ended up staying in bed and in pain as I wouldn't have anybody to mind children.

Absolutely exhausted this morning but got up to get 3dc ready for school. Breakfasts lunches, dishwasher, washing, hoovering mopping etc. Started to feel really unwell and temperature was 39.7. I asked DD13 to make sure her room was tidied before we left. I then vomited and told kids they would have to walk to school as I felt so unwell. DD12 and DS10 said no problem. DD13 started screaming and shouting telling me I was selfish.. Threatened not to go to school. Just generally being rude, aggressive and shouting. I ended up bringing them as was getting too late to walk and younger siblings were upset.

I'm the car I told dd she was grounded and was not allowed go to the shopping centre with her friend after school. She didnt say anything.

I got a text from her at 1.30pm saying she was going. Lots of text messages back and forth. She came home, got her money and left. I was in bed and in pain and to be honest I didn't have the energy to stop her.

My DH rang her and told her to get home and she refused. Then said she was turning her phone of.

This is the first time she has done something like this. She is usually a good kid. No problems in school etc.She has only starting going out since Christmas with her school friend.

As she is my oldest and we have no grandparents or siblings to turn to to ask for advice.

Please advise what we should do.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 12/01/2022 15:10

Sounds like pretty standard teenage stuff to me.

Remove phone after school and say you'll return it in the morning if she is well behaved.

Comedycook · 12/01/2022 15:10

Oh and hope you feel better soon!!

Original poster

Justcantdeal · 12/01/2022 15:15

@Comedycook, that's what I'm thinking. I'm just not used to this behaviour. She's always been a great kid and never done anything like this.

OP posts:

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 12/01/2022 15:31

Is the illness a new thing?

She might be worried about you, and pretending its not happening and that you're faking might be easier than facing it.

It's not an excuse, and she should still be punished, but it may be an explanation for the behavior

Original poster

Justcantdeal · 12/01/2022 15:34

@fdgdfgdfgdfg, yes illness is a new thing to her. I've not been feeling like myself for a few months but yesterday would be the first she knew about it.

OP posts:

PinkPlantCase · 12/01/2022 15:36

I agree that it sounds like she’s scared/unsettled by you being ill and doesn’t really know how to deal with it.

That said she still needs to understand that her behaviour was completely unacceptable.

sadpapercourtesan · 12/01/2022 15:36

Are you sure she's not been aware that you haven't been feeling like yourself? Teenagers are so often the canaries in the mine for things in families that are obvious but not being talked about. Maybe she has been anxious about it, and is attention-seeking with this new behaviour.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 12/01/2022 15:36

Sounds like typical teen behaviour though I'm sure you will have people say NOT MY TEEN! And tell you to punish them by removing everything they own and write an essay about how wrong it is to disrespect your parents.

I'm sorry you are ill, teens are inherently selfish and often think only of themselves, so it can be hard to get sympathy from them. You would like to think they are worried and want to help you, but they are annoyed because they have plans and it's all a big inconvenience.

I would be calm, advise I expect an apology and removal of phone till next day.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/01/2022 15:38

Take the phone off her and get her to clean her room.
Only if the latter gets done will she stand a chance of getting the former back!

LookItsMeAgain · 12/01/2022 15:38

Also to add, if she is rude or disrespectful to you or your DH again, she is grounded! End of.

GnomeyGnome · 12/01/2022 15:40

Agree with above, sounds like typical teen attitude mixed with concern. I'd remove phone/privelages. But I must say, if you're so unwell that your Dr advised A&E why on earth were you getting up and mopping floors and worrying about tidy bedrooms? You say you have a DH, is he not able to watch the kids so you can get yourself checked out?

GnomeyGnome · 12/01/2022 15:41

*Privileges!

Comedycook · 12/01/2022 15:44

you're so unwell that your Dr advised A&E why on earth were you getting up and mopping floors and worrying about tidy bedrooms

Oh I agree...if I've ever been really ill and in sole charge of the kids, I've done the absolute basics of keeping then fed and packed off to school with uniform on and a lunch...definitely no extra housework than is necessary

thinlyv · 12/01/2022 15:48

Agree - all behaviour has a reason. She's prob scared & coupled with hormones..they just blow up.
I hope you're ok. Try not to take it personally, maybe just sit down & talk it thru once you're feeling better as she has to learn that was not acceptable.
Battles & wars. You don't need this war now.
Oh and Good luck with this thread - I posted something my daughter did last night that was a little out of line and endured the wrath of the perfect parents! Ignore them.

SophieKat1982 · 12/01/2022 15:56

I wouldn’t do anything except concentrate on getting better. Pick your battles. I actually pick very, very few with my children (older teens). I learned that it just wasn’t worth it when my eldest son left the house one day after an argument about his behaviour. Not knowing where he was for a few hours was awful. I have learned that the less you give them to rebel against, the less they have to rebel against. We had a tough couple of years with our eldest, he’s 19 now and emerged out of all the teenage behaviours into a wonderful young man. Teenagers naturally need to propel themselves into adulthood which means pushing against their parents will at times. Just don’t worry about it and get yourself better.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 12/01/2022 16:02

Hang on, your doctor told you to go to A&E to get tests done but you stayed home, then got up this morning to do hoovering and everything else? Where was your DH? Why couldn't he look after the children while you were so unwell? You need to go and get the medical attention you need.

Your 13 yo needs some stern words but I am more worried about how you are neglecting your own needs here. Please get seen asap. And tell your DH he will need to take over on the home front.

Original poster

Justcantdeal · 12/01/2022 16:02

Thanks for all the great advice and for being so kind.

The phone will definately be taken from her.

I didn't want to sit in the hospital for hours when I felt so unwell, all I wanted was my bed. My DH is fantastic and got of early yesterday to collect kids from school and do everything at home while I went to bed. I'm quite stubborn and have had a few operations in the last few years and really have a mental block about being admitted to hospital again. I have an appointnent with my own GP on Monday. I know I will be referred for tests then. My DH has a very stressful job and I'm a SAHM. No family to rely on.

OP posts:

lljkk · 12/01/2022 16:05

yesterday would be the first she knew about it.

You're telling us you are extremely ill & long have been, but your DD is getting a very different picture of your health, given the illness hidden until yesterday & not bad enough to demand immediate treatment or prevent you driving.

I agree she's behaved very badly but it's sounding like that behaviour arose out of some other history OP hasn't told us. The girl lacks empathy (typical of her age) but she's also getting mixed messages about how bad the illness is.

Agree with others OP has to first work on getting better while building up to assessing what in the world got into the DD13.

It doesn't sound like punishing her will work this time -- getting some dialogue going would be more secure strategy to resolving this conflict.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 12/01/2022 16:09

Remove phone and ground her. If she kicks off, she gets to discuss it with you only when she speak to you politely.

Original poster

Justcantdeal · 12/01/2022 16:14

@lljkk, I can totally see how it comes accross like that. I've not felt myself since July, fatigued, no energy etc. The issue I had yesterday was a different physical complaint. I'm sure DD has heard me say I'm exhausted over the last few months but I don't think she's noticed or taken it on board as I manage to get everything done. The last operation I had was 4 years ago and the two previous to that were 6 and 7 years ago. She definately wouldn't remember and never mentions the earlier operations.

As I said I'm a SAHM with no outside help so I'm used to getting on with things. If I'm honest, I feel like crying. Would desperately love some family help. My DH is wonderful and is a great Dad and husband. He is the sole provider in our home so his job is very important.

OP posts:

itwasntaparty · 12/01/2022 16:23

Why are you hoovering / mopping / cleaning if you've been told to go to A&E. No one gets a medal for being a martyr.

Original poster

Justcantdeal · 12/01/2022 16:27

@itwasntaparty,its just the way I am. I've always been like that. I find it hard to relax. Due to a very abusive childhood where I was constantly told how worthless I was I throw everything into the home and my DH and children. If I didn't do everything I would feel that my mother was right. Messed up I know.

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 12/01/2022 16:34

OP I went through something very similar with my DS when he was 13 and I was diagnosed with a serious illness.

In fact it was almost identical in that he gave me a mouthful of attitude, except with him it was when he came home from school. I removed his phone and as he was going to his dad’s I texted him to tell him what I had done and eXH blocked YouTube and whatever else he was looking at back then on his WIFI.

I did have shitloads of attitude for the next few months, part of it was absolutely teenage behaviour and is par for the course, but I have 0 doubt that some of it was to do with his worry about my illness. Because whenever I was ill after that the attitude ramped up for a few weeks after.

In fact after I came out of hospital the last time he was 16 and was awful for a couple of months.

There absolutely need to be consequences for that kind of behaviour. But I’m very much of the short and sharp school of thought. So grounding for the weekend or removal of privileges for a period, but also there needs to be honesty on your part towards her.

We have always had very open and honest discussions about my illness, and DS knows the score exactly, and he knows he can ask questions which he has, and by the same token I was understanding when he felt he couldn’t come and see me in hospital when I was in ICU.

Kids lash out at the person closest to them, because they know they’re safe. They know that person loves them however they treat them. How many times do we hear that “x is lovely to his teachers/his friends’ parents/everyone tells me how lovely he is but he’s a brat at home.”?

So I would absolutely remove her phone for now, but I would also have a conversation with her about why that kind of attitude is unacceptable, i.e. “you don’t talk to people like that, and they don’t have to put up with it,” and then talk to her about whether she has any worries. Try not to make it a q&a, just a “look, I know me being ill won’t have been easy, we can talk about it if you like?”

Quartz2208 · 12/01/2022 16:35

I wonder if she is picking up on more than you think. She is 13 I suspect that you havent hid your symptoms as well as you think and it is panicking her because she doesnt know the truth.

Then this morning I suspect that seeing you so ill she either had an emotional outburst due to panic or lacks empathy and sees you are the person who always continues because it is also concerning that your DH job you say is very important - more important than your health. If she is used to seeing you continue on throughout everything and martyring yourself her reaction makes sense.

My advice - a honest open chat between you, your husband and your children. Accepting the fact that the most important thing isnt his job or getting her to school it is your health. Being open about it and actually making others step up to help your through it.

But keep them informed as well so they know where they are. Give them more responsibility

AnotherMansCause · 12/01/2022 16:36

If your DD's attitude was that you have the energy to mop, hoover, do the laundry etc, but you don't then have the energy to take them to school, I can see why a teenager might think this. I'm not saying I agree BTW.

Personally I would tell her no phone unless she does the mopping, hoovering & laundry until you're well enough to get back to doing it yourself. Maybe she'll realise that M is for Mum, not Maid. And she needs to apologise for her language & general poor attitude. Is she struggling with the sudden realisation that Mum isn't a machine but a real human being? Is she being bullied? Boy problems? Depression?

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