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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

13 year old completely disobeyed me

42 replies

Justcantdeal · 12/01/2022 15:07

Had words with my 13dd this morning. I'm quite unwell at the minute. Doctor advised me to present at A&E last night to undergo tests. I said if I got worse I would but ended up staying in bed and in pain as I wouldn't have anybody to mind children.

Absolutely exhausted this morning but got up to get 3dc ready for school. Breakfasts lunches, dishwasher, washing, hoovering mopping etc. Started to feel really unwell and temperature was 39.7. I asked DD13 to make sure her room was tidied before we left. I then vomited and told kids they would have to walk to school as I felt so unwell. DD12 and DS10 said no problem. DD13 started screaming and shouting telling me I was selfish.. Threatened not to go to school. Just generally being rude, aggressive and shouting. I ended up bringing them as was getting too late to walk and younger siblings were upset.

I'm the car I told dd she was grounded and was not allowed go to the shopping centre with her friend after school. She didnt say anything.

I got a text from her at 1.30pm saying she was going. Lots of text messages back and forth. She came home, got her money and left. I was in bed and in pain and to be honest I didn't have the energy to stop her.

My DH rang her and told her to get home and she refused. Then said she was turning her phone of.

This is the first time she has done something like this. She is usually a good kid. No problems in school etc.She has only starting going out since Christmas with her school friend.

As she is my oldest and we have no grandparents or siblings to turn to to ask for advice.

Please advise what we should do.

Thanks.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 12/01/2022 16:37

Oh and I hear you on the feeling you have to do everything. Apparently when I was first taken into ICU my DP and DS described me to the nurses by saying “she’s the kind of person who would have said “no no, I’ll just make you a cup of tea first, and then I’ll maybe ring the ambulance.” Grin which just about describes how I think.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 12/01/2022 16:38

Hi Justcantdeal - so sorry you're ill and DD is giving you are a hard time.

DD13 started screaming and shouting telling me I was selfish.. Threatened not to go to school. Just generally being rude, aggressive and shouting. I ended up bringing them as was getting too late to walk and younger siblings were upset.

That's a perfectly normal but very annoying and counterproductive! reaction to anxiety. Ignore it. And in future try not to tell her she "has" to do something. Instead tell her that you are ill, you need her help, you know how amazing she is, and please will she do it. Then say nothing and retreat to bed, you're too ill to argue so just don't. I know -- this sounds like shite but it usually works.

And minimise the amount of work you ask for - so only ask for essentials. Walking the others to school is essential so you can go to bed. Tidying her room is not essential, it can wait. Don't make a martyr of yourself or her, just ask her to do the things that really need doing.

I wouldn't bother with all the punishments either. Just tell her you were ill and tired, and you all need a fresh start. Flowers

AnotherMansCause · 12/01/2022 16:39

Do you really do all that housework before the school run every day BTW? Seems a bit excessive...

Justcantdeal · 12/01/2022 16:50

I know my health is more important than DH job. I just meant his job is important as he is the sole earner in our home and if he is not in work he doesn't get paid..

She's not being bullied in school, no boy problems. She has only started going out with her school friends, cinema, food shopping in the last few weeks.

I probably was a bit harsh this morning with her. I didn't really give her enough notice to walk to school if I'm being honest. I was just pissed of. I could have handled it better.She had her outing planned since last week and she did say I'm only start g to go out after being stuck in due to Covid.

Yes I have the house cleaned before a school run everyday.

I do agree her behaviour will not be tolerated.

She's home, I toom her phone and she went to her room. Myself and DH will talk to her later.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/01/2022 16:53

Be honest with her - tell her what is going on. I suspect if this is unusual anxiety is driving it.

And let go of the cleaning or pass it on. Let them help you. All of it doesnt need to be done.

And make sure you go to the doctors

Justcantdeal · 12/01/2022 16:56

I know I keep saying I need to tell them to help more. My DH says I do too much for them and they need to help. My Mam didn't do anything for me so I over compensate.

OP posts:
Nomoreusernames1244 · 12/01/2022 16:58

Remove phone after school and say you'll return it in the morning if she is well behaved

Please don’t take her phone off her.

If she goes awol again you’ll have no way of checking to make sure she’s safe, she won’t be able to contact you if she gets into trouble, and it removes a very valuable tool for finding her.

Instead tell her she can keep her phone, but she needs to add you to find my iphone, and agree to answer the phone/text so you can at least check she’s safe.

Bluebluemoon39 · 12/01/2022 17:08

Please don’t take her phone off her.

If she goes awol again you’ll have no way of checking to make sure she’s safe, she won’t be able to contact you if she gets into trouble, and it removes a very valuable tool for finding her.

Oh fgs - how do you think people went on 10 years ago when teenagers didn't even have mobile phones?! Taking the phone off her for 24 hours is not going to cause her lasting damage - it may even give her pause for thought about acting like that again.

I don't agree that the behaviour you had this morning is standard - it's pretty naughty I think - however with your update there was obviously more to it and she probably became very anxious knowing there wasn't enough time to walk to school. I'd say a calm chat about what happened, maybe acknowledging you didn't act in the best way either and taking away the phone for a day is a fair punishment.
At the end of the day - she went shopping when you told her not to. If she doesn't receive any punishment or reproach at all - what message is that sending her?

Agree the cleaning is ridiculous when you're unwell, take care of yourself.

TheFormerMrsPugwash · 12/01/2022 17:12

OP, teenagers can be sheer hell (can also be lovely).

My first thought when I read your initial post was anxiety about your health manifesting itself as stroppy and selfish behaviour.

Which doesn't make it right, obviously. But it might explain it.

My only 'advice', such as it is, is try to stick to 'natural consequences'. It's tempting to heap on the 'punishments' in the hope that they will change their behaviour, but better to keep it simple.

If you and your husband pay for your DD's phone (which I assume you do, given her age), she is not allowed to switch it off when it suits her. You are providing it so that you can contact her. If she isn't going to let you contact her, she can't have the phone.

(While we're at it: you ought to retain the right to look at her phone, should you feel concerned enough to need to. Which doesn't mean you can just snoop - but it does mean that if something begins to worry you significantly, she has to hand it over. It isn't her phone until she buys it herself and pays to run it herself, and young teenagers can be very, very stupid).

Secondly, be as honest as you can with her. If you have ongoing health problems, she probably knows something, however much you think you have kept it private. She needs to know as much as she can reasonably manage. Which doesn't mean she needs every detail - but she does need a clear explanation as to why you can't do things all the time.

You need to acknowledge, to her, that you didn't give her enough time to walk this morning.

What she had this morning was a mixed message: "I'm too ill to take you to school'/"but I can do the housework"/"but I can actually take you to school". In her head, you're either ill or you're not. My own experience of having had a very severe health concern years ago is that children think you are able to do everything however ill you are, so long as you are physically present.

You need (and I know it's hard) to try to get over the feeling of not being good enough. Nobody needs to clean the house before the children go to school. I'm at the absolute opposite end of the scale, admittedly - but if you're not well, you shouldn't be worrying about being domestically perfect. Your 'imperfect' standards would probably be a thousand percent higher than my 'quite tidy' ones. I would also try to get away from the idea that your children's rooms need to be tidy. I've always thought that they can make as much mess as they like, provided nothing is actually dying/mouldering in there, and I can shut the door. Weirdly, they are mostly tidy, probably as a reaction to the rest of the house being a tip.

In your situation, you're right that your husband's job is important. As PP say, your health is important too (obviously!), but if your husband has no job, that isn't going to help you - so you are right to acknowledge this. What you need to do now is acknowledge that your health is more important than mopping floors!

I'm almost at the end of teenagers now, thank God - number 5 has saved the worst for last for me. It can be a very bumpy road. But even if your 13 yr old starts being difficult, she's still the same person she was as a younger child, and she'll find herself again when she's older easy to say this, less easy to remember it when they're being foul

billy1966 · 12/01/2022 17:15

OP,
I think her behaviour was awful and she would definitely hear about it.

The most awful part is that when you were clearly very unwell she couldn't just bring her siblings to school and help you.

THAT would really piss me off.

I have 4 teens and there have been moments when BOTH sexes have annoyed me, but I do think she has behaved very poorly.

I have been very unwell a few times also, so know the importance of family pulling together.

I think she needs to be spoken to and find out what is going on with her, but screaming at your very unwell mother because you have been asked to tidy your room is not on.

I understand that people on MN have vastly different expectations of their children and I have left my share of behaviour pass, but what you describe is very poor behaviour.

Screaming at your mother when you have been asked to do something is not a given in every home.

I would be very disappointed in her behaviour and I would tell her that.

Teens will give you as much bullshit as you will take at times.

Decide how much you will tolerate and communicate that to her calmly.

I really hope you feel better soon.

Flowers
MilduraS · 12/01/2022 17:39

Sounds exactly like my teenage years. I couldn't even tell you it was because my mum was unwell or anything like that. I was just stroppy, defiant and hormonal. If it's any consolation I came out the other side feeling like a huge asshole. God only knows how my mum put up with me but I'm glad she did.

UserError012345 · 12/01/2022 19:31

Change the wifi code.

irene9 · 13/01/2022 11:26

You are falling into the martyr role here a little, no?
A parent turning child-like will make a teenager frightened and rebel.
Because they feel they are being pushed into the parent role temporarily.

Your daughter cannot support you like a parent can support a child.
No matter what age she gets to be.
You'll have to look for emotional support elsewhere.
Who are you really angry with? Because your DD has done nothing wrong.

Why does her room have to be tidy before she goes to school? Why can't she tidy it after school. If both of you gang up on her this won't end well.

If you've treated her harshly then you need to take responsibility for that and apologise. You'll be very surprised at how an apology from you will smooth the path of communication between you and her.

If she's a good kid why are you barking at her to tidy the room before school? It makes her think you think of her as someone who is messy and 'never does anything' around here. Therefore you picked her up 'wrong' and you didn't see her true good intention. Which was to be concerned about you, but also annoyed that there was a sudden change in the plan about getting to school.

Maybe she is someone who cannot tolerate when things don't go according to her plan or expectations. Just like her mother then.

Justcantdeal · 13/01/2022 11:52

@irene9,you sound really nasty.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 13/01/2022 12:14

It doesn’t really sound nasty - harsh yes but not nasty Justcantdeal and there are points in there to read and digest

All of which come to some open communication and clearly define expectations that are realistic

Bonheurdupasse · 14/01/2022 13:44

Agree @irene9 your post is incredibly nasty. And treating the OP as a “service human”.

OP please don’t let yourself be treated as a “service human”. That’s disgusting behaviour no matter who it comes from.

CrystalMaisie · 14/01/2022 13:57

Are you an overly strict parent? Tidying bedroom before school sounds a bit Victorian to me.

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