How to deal with DS (14) constantly trying to get time off school because he’s ‘ill’?

[VioletPetals]

DS (14) is in yr 10.
We’ve had yet another battle today where he said he felt unwell and didn’t want to go to school, he pleaded and cried that he was “genuinely ill” and needed to stay home and rest, “just for today”.

Fortunately I was able to convince him that he did have to go to school, but he has been texting me all day complaining about how awful he feels and asking to come home.

This has become a regular occurrence,
Sometimes he says he’s too ill and will literally refused to go to school and he’s too big to be forced to go to get dressed or out of the door to go to school so it’s an impossible situation.

His attendance was fine before this year, but it’s now at 73%

The school are no help at all and just say it is our responsibility to get him to school.

I’ve tried talking to him about if there is something bothering him, a reason he doesn’t want to go to school, but he is adamant he does want to go to school, he’s just feeling unwell.
But at the same time won’t pin down specific symptoms, he always says he just “feels awful” or that he feels like he’s going to be sick.
I suggested we go to the gp, because it’s not normal to feel ill so frequently, but he refused and says he just needs to ‘rest’.

Has anyone else been through similar?
I don’t really know what to do.

I tend towards the you are in school unless you have a leg hanging off train of thought. Plenty of time to rest between 5pm and 7am.

Lets try getting you to bed earlier until you feel you are getting enough rest at night. And just to be sure it isn't blue light that is causing the issue all screens will be removed after 7pm each night.

definitely GP for some blood tests to see if he is anemic or lacking any particular vititmans.

Are you sure there isnt another problem, an emotional leg hanging off? Struggling with work, bullying, worried about something else?

Just read your OP again, definitely Drs at least for blood tests.

It does sound like this is a physical manifestation of mental health concerns.

Which might be deliberate but more likely it sub conscious.

I think I’d be firm that:

• it’s not normal to feel this I’ll this often.
• yes he must go to gp to get checked out. I’d make the appointment and make clear if he won’t go he has to get back to goi no to school every day
• talk over with him that sometimes mental health issues can surface as physical concerns. That it might be something specific or a more general anxiety reaction to the pandemic etc. All normal but needs to be addressed. So after gp visit, if all ok, he needs to work with you to agree and attended mental health support to work through this.
• as above if he won’t engage he has to go to school.

I’d frame it all v positively and supportively but make it clear he has to engage.

Loss of meaningful privileges if not. If he’s that ill, no screen time until he recovers sort of thing

How is he at weekends / school holidays? Does he have more energy for the things he enjoys? If so it suggests there is something specific about school. Do teachers say he works as well as normal when there?

Talk to him about his 73% attendance. It needs to go back to the upper 90s so either he goes to the GP to look for a medical reason or he tells you what is happening at school.

Do you think he could be being bullied?

Maybe not relevant but my DS did this when he was being bullied, but didn’t want to admit he was being bullied as he was worried I would go contact school and “make it worse”. Is that a possibility?

Do you think he might be suffering from anxiety or depression?

What does he do when he’s off school?

It sounds anxiety based from what you've said, I'd go back to the school and ask for some support and not let them fob you off.

My eldest ds went through a similar stage at 14, I ended up using what was called the Home Liason Officer at our school ( the wag man in my day)

I had her number on my phone and she came to the house to take him to school and would have gone in his bedroom if necessary. She only came twice because after that he would get up if I said I was phoning her.

Of course there were emotional issues going on that I needed to help him with but he had to know he couldn't just not get up in the morning as a response to that.

You need some support from the school, it's very stressful having a school refuser at the very least they should be trying to find out what is going on with him while he is there.

I'd be concerned about bullying, too, and him using 'illness' as an avoidance tactic. Especially as he can't pin any particular symptoms down.

All devices are left out on the landing after bed time, although he had been caught sneaking his phone a few times.

You are right though I should make him an appointment with the gp just in case, I’ll try to get him an appointment (although it’s really difficult atm as they are still running a limited service at our practice)

Are you sure there isnt another problem, an emotional leg hanging off? Struggling with work, bullying, worried about something else?

I’ve tried to talk to him multiple times to see if this is the case but he’s adamant he would rather be at school with his friends but he just feels unwell.

It’s just frustrating, he won’t talk to me he won’t consider any other options, he just says “I’m not feeling well” and wants to stay at home in bed.

We have a strict no screens if you are poorly rule, basically if you are too sick to go to school you are resting in bed, that’s it, he’s not even allowed his phone, he is ok with this though as he claims he’s genuinely ill.
In the days when he point blank refused to go to school he voluntarily left all his devices outside his bedroom door. So I know it’s not about wanting to stay home and play computer games or watch Netflix.

I would check that his diet/sleep/exercise patterns are normal, then take him for a blood test to investigate any physical causes.
If it's bullying, either physical or cyber, the school needs to tackle this and stop it from happening.
If it's anxiety based then you need to find out what is bothering him. The problem is that, the more school he misses, the more he will find it hard to keep up, and it becomes a vicious circle. Is he struggling with any of his lessons? What are his marks like? If he's falling behind then maybe a tutor can help him to catch up.

We have a massive problem with anxiety and panic in our young teenagers, and "avoidance" is the biggest sympton.
Look at Not fine at school website, literally thousands of parents in same boat, at their wits end.

Until l encountered this problem with my youngest son l had no idea of the struggle that lay ahead, his older brother sailed through school no problem.
Most parents find it kind of comes on out of the blue, or their children have spent a long time masking it, it is not defiance, kids this age know the importance of being in school which adds to the pressure, and it seems to be more prevalent amongst high achievers.
l would try and get a GP referrell , there is alot of info on anxiety disorders and panic online.
Forcing my son into school only ever made things worse, l would never have resorted to that if l had known the implications.

I’ve tried to talk to him multiple times to see if this is the case but he’s adamant he would rather be at school with his friends but he just feels unwell.

Tell him that doesn't correlate with his refusal to see a Dr. Not all 14 year olds understand what Dr's can do, does he understand that something basic like a vitamin/iron deficiency related to his growing body could be causing his tiredness and has a very simple fix, will get him back to school before he misses too much.

Thank you all for the replies and the advice.

He does suffer with some anxiety but he swears it’s not that and he is actually ill.

I don’t think he is being bullied, he’s had trouble with other kids in the past but has always come to us about it.
He has a good little group of friends that I think would reach out if he was having problems.

Out of school on weekends and holidays he spends most of his time playing online with his friends, the do hang out, but usually just to play a specific game in person or go for a walk.

I can’t say I can remember any times where he has complained about feeling unwell when it wasn’t school the next morning, although when challenged with that he said “I don’t need to tell you I feel rubbish when I’m already at home and able to rest”

I’ve asked the school about a Home Liaison Officer before, they don’t have one as the “don’t generally have issues with attendance to warrant one” and it’s parent’s responsibility to ensure the children get to school.

Is he struggling with any of his lessons? What are his marks like?

According to his winter report his only issues are attendance, homework and level of Participation in class.

He is mostly working to his estimated grades.

I would love to get him a tutor, he would definitely benefit from one and it is something I looked into a while ago, but it’s just not something we can afford.

Hi VioletPetals my daughter was doing this aswell and I took her to the doctor they discovered she was having abdominal migraines brought on by anxiety but also hormonal, I have support from the school now with some issues she was having which has really helped. Being listened to has helped her. If she complained I found offering pain relief and saying see how you feel after that if your still not feeling well its back to the doctor helped get her on her way also lol I understand how stressful it is so make sure your taking time for yourself too. Xx

@VioletPetals

Is he struggling with any of his lessons? What are his marks like?

According to his winter report his only issues are attendance, homework and level of Participation in class.

He is mostly working to his estimated grades.

I would love to get him a tutor, he would definitely benefit from one and it is something I looked into a while ago, but it’s just not something we can afford.

So he isn't in school 25% of the time, doesn't participate enough in class and homework - completion of? - is also a problem?

If his expected grades are below what he could achieve if the attendance, homework etc were resolved then he may well be achieving to those expectations but is not fulfilling his potential.

Do you ever bob your head in when he is off sick and resting. What is he doing? Sleeping? Studying? Reading for leisure? Gaming? Crying?

I think if you are getting nothing from him re symptoms / plan of action to get back to full attendance you need to get more intelligence on him. What is he doing when in his room? What do his friends / their parents know about his reasons for missing school? Do any of them have slipping attendance?

He may have great friends but if another group are bullying his group they may all be starting to show signs of it. Or they may be too scared to stand up to the bullies if only your son is being targeted.

If his absences are driven by anxiety again you need to try to find out why. If not from him then from his friends and the school who should be helping more IMO.

Being bullied and telling you about it in the past does not mean they will easily tell you about it now.

Bullies who have got into trouble for bullying in the past realise they need to get their victims to keep quiet in order to continue so will up their threats about what will happen if they tell. Perhaps rope others in to persuade the victim to stay quiet. He could be being told by his friends that to protect them from repercussions from the bully he needs to not tell anyone what is happening. If he's a loyal friend he could be taking the bullying in order to protect his friends from it and then avoiding being in the bully's sight by persuading you to let him stay home.

What does your gut tell you the problem is? Anxiety? Bullying? Health? Something else?

Reading the posts it seems like something is going on not just laziness.

So either something physical or emotional or issues with school or friendships. It seems more investigation is needed

If he’s not doing his homework that could be motivating him to avoid school. It ends up a vicious circle because homework then becomes a huge deal (and if you’re not attending you might not have the knowledge to catch up).

Maybe he needs to get up earlier. More time to get awake and ready for the day may help.

The homework is just for two specific classes, it’s homework that was set when he was absent and those teachers are the only two that choose not to upload homework to the school portal, so he got ‘incomplete’ marks for the homework he wasn’t given.

Otherwise he’s doing ok.
At parents evening in November all that was said was he is quiet and doesn’t ‘get involved’ in classes as much as they would prefer.
His absences were the main issue.

His friends don’t seem to be having the same issues, his messages suggest they don’t want him to be off, one friend was trying to talk him out of having the day off this morning.

He doesn’t have any devices in his room overnight and gets up with plenty of time to have a (leisurely) shower and breakfast in the morning, so that definitely not the issue.

I had another chat with him when he got home, I suggested the pressure of gcse school work might be causing his stomachache and he said he didn’t think it was, that he was just ill.
I suggested maybe he should have a blood test to see if he is anaemic and he said he would “think about it”.

Are you absolutely certain he doesn’t have another internet enabled device you don’t know about hidden somewhere?

My 14 yo is very similar. Personally I wouldn't let him decide if he goes to the GP, I'd make it clear it's happening as there's obviously something going on that he either won't tell you about or it's medical and needs investigation.

I was like this as a teenager. I turned out I did actually have autoimmune issues but they didn’t get diagnosed until much later - hypothyroidism, lupus, Addisons etc. I felt unwell throughout most of my teens / 20s. This may not be the case here of course but I think it’s fair to give him an ultimatum that he either goes to the doctors for blood tests etc or he has go to school.

I would remove the choice re. Doctor. Make an appointment and take him.