Teen DS eating in secret and stealing food - normal or worrying?

[secreteatingteen]

Name change for this so as not to link up with other threads.

My DS 13 is eating massive amounts of food in secret and stealing food that he knows isn't his. Every time I challenge him about it he gets furious. He's overweight - not horrifically so, but overweight.

He takes food he knows is not for him. The latest I discovered this morning is half a sharing size bag of skittles that were his brother's that I had tried to hide from him. He's waiting till I'm in bed and to do it. I find wrappers hidden all over his room. I just found the empty box of Turkish delight that I bought for DH for Christmas hidden in there. He stole the two bags of chocolate coins I bought for stockings and ate them about 3 weeks before Christmas. It goes on and on.

I need to buy some snack type food for my younger DS to have for packed lunch (some crisps and cake bars for example). He demolishes them. I've tried putting them in a locked cupboard, he repeatedly stole the key to get to the food. He will get through a box of cereal in a couple of days. He'll eat slices and slices of bread.

I know teenagers need a lot of food - perhaps boys in particular - and he is clearly growing, but it's the stealing and secrecy that really upset me.

He is also 'stealing' money he finds around the house. He's not particularly secretive about this - the money is in his room and clear to see. I do challenge him about it and tell him it's not his, but he says 'Oh I just found it', which is probably true - coins that fall out of DHs pockets for example, change that I or DH have left on the side etc.

But I'm genuinely quite scared. He is on the whole a really lovely good kid, but this is worrying me. Help!

Sounds like he is trying to meet an unmet emotional need. How is he with school/extracurricular activities? Has he ever had any support for his weight?

Do you restrict his access to the snack food he knows is in the house, and only give it to his slimmer sibling? I know this will be done from a place of love but psychologically it creates a big mess - the clichés about forbidden fruit exists for a reason!

Its a really hard balance to hit but locking away food and forbidding one child something that you allow the other, and obviously rationing, creates and exacerbates this type of problem.

You have to treat both children the same and allow the slightly overweight child the same access to snack food as the sibling, otherwise you create cravings, feelings of resentment and shame, obsessive, unhealthy and sneaky behaviour around food.

I think it's possible it is a food need not just emotional ! Let's be honest this food is horribly addictive. A third of 11 year olds in the UK are obese - highest rate in Europe i believe.

We may need to accept that children who have a lot less control over their emotions and behaviours than adults do are just not capable of stopping themselves taking this stuff

I'm sure we have all had moments where we feel q chocolate bar calling to us. My own 9 year old cannot ignore snacks and I have the same problem

Do you really need cake bars and crisps? Could yoi really do a healthy eating drive fir the while family to help your son break the habit

. I think people worry about offending children over eating habits but he needs to know its wrong and unhealthy. And he needs to be kindly told this crap is addictive and its natural he is finding it hard to control himself

Is he eating enough protein ?

Re money I think again if you want him to know he shouldn't take it yoi need to be clear with him he has done something wrong. I think it's not uncommon for kids to try and hoard money they find.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Do you restrict his access to the snack food he knows is in the house, and only give it to his slimmer sibling? I know this will be done from a place of love but psychologically it creates a big mess - the clichés about forbidden fruit exists for a reason!

Its a really hard balance to hit but locking away food and forbidding one child something that you allow the other, and obviously rationing, creates and exacerbates this type of problem.

You have to treat both children the same and allow the slightly overweight child the same access to snack food as the sibling, otherwise you create cravings, feelings of resentment and shame, obsessive, unhealthy and sneaky behaviour around food.

Oh god no - his brother is also overweight Sorry I should have been clear about that. They in theory both have the same access to food and broadly same amounts of treats. Younger DS is 9 so I try to provide him with slightly less food (especially as he has a weight problem too).

Am reading other replies now - thank you.

I would focus on the stealing.
He could get in a lot of trouble stealing at school or a workplace.
Have a big talk about the morality of taking things that don't belong to you.
Wipe the slate clean re past issues. Perhaps he can buy his brother some skittles and return the money so he hasn't profited from it?
Big punishment for any stealing in future (no screen time, no pocket money for a set amount of time).
Make it clear that taking 10p out of the kitchen is stealing.
Could you find that article about the police officer who was sacked for not paying for snacks sold for charity?
Be horrified by him taking things that don't belong to him.

sorry but no this is not normal.

There is probably an underlying issue. I think you should look for help. You are unlikely to get help via GP, but might be worth asking.

Stop buying junk food.

If you don't want either of them to eat so much then definitely stop buying cake bars.
Can younger DS have school dinner?

Not normal, and agree with PP that you should seek advice and help. It is disordered eating - not normal! Poor boy, and poor you, hope things settle down.

I'd be reluctant to diagnose based on a post online, but his behaviour sounds symptomatic of binge eating disorder. I'd recommend having a look at the Beat website (www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk) and perhaps speak to your GP about your concerns. Has this behaviour worsened over lockdown? Lots of kids have developed mental health issues and eating issues with all the stress of Coronavirus. I hope you manage to find support

Thanks - my gut feeling is that it isn't ok. I know other mums of teen boys who say their boys are eating them out of house and home, but it isn't quite like this.

I don't know if it's an emotional need or not. Maybe. I'm not sure what. We're quite close I think. He seeks us out for chats and a connection, and we are affectionate etc. Even if we fall out, which of course we do sometimes, we make up again quickly.

Things are not at all good with me and DH which I am sure he senses, even if subconsciously, but we aren't fighting or anything like that. It's not a violent or aggressive household.

If be /I am tempted to go in the opposite direction and emphasise that things are here to be eaten-albeit shared fairly: lots and lots and lots a ‘snack food’ available, with the vast majority being healthy-chicken drumsticks in whatever Nando’s type marinade is trendy, cheese, tempting fruit like strawberries, blueberries, nuts -less processed, less sugar, more protein and fibre.
Have a coin pot for the family-all loose cash around the house goes in it and once a month /on birthdays /whenever, the money is put in a coin sorter at the supermarket and split between the kids.
Try and remove the potential for sneaking and stealing. The ideal outcome would be, after initial gorging, the beginnings of self regulation.

I did this.

My mother also used to tell me off for it, talk about it as 'stealing' and 'not normal', and comment on how much I was eating all the time.

It increased the guilt and fear, so I got more sneaky, used to hide food in my room, and ate more to dampen how bad I felt about it. It became a massive downward spiral and connected food and guilt in my mind.

For me the eating was:

Part being-a-teenager and being hungry all the time,

Partly that the junk food in the house was the only 'quick' thing I could grab and eat without having to cook or ask someone to help me with

Partly emotional eating and feeling like I couldn't be seen to be eating because what I was doing was gross and wrong.

I wasn't overweight, either, so I imagine that piles on another level of guilt and emotion.

I'd have benefitted hugely from my mother being understanding about what I was doing, having easy-to-grab healthy options that were filling, and less junk food available in the house in general.

He's got a serious eating disorder that needs to be tackled professionally. Restricing his eating, hiding food from him, will just make things worse.

I know, I've been there and got the metaphorical T shirt and its ruined my adult life. I was overweight at primary school. Not my fault as such as I only ate what my parents gave me which was a pretty unhealthy diet (chips for every meal, tinned meat & veg, etc.). School reported me to what was then the "school doctor" who hauled me in with my parents and told them to put me on a diet. So they did - I had salads for every meal whilst they continued their chips with everything etc. That turned me (as it would anyone) as I saw it as a unfair punishment for something I had no control over as I'd only been eating the same as them (and they were overweight). Around the same time, the school opened a tuck shop selling crisps. So I started stealing a few coins at home to buy crisps at school. Teachers reported me to the school doctor and we got hauled in again and I got a telling off and told I was banned from the school tuck shop. So, I started getting friends at school to buy crisps and they'd bring them to me in the toilets where I'd eat them. That set the pattern for my teen years and adult life. I eat "healthily" in public and in front of family, even OH, but then I'd stuff myself in private, hide food etc.

Because I was obese, I was bullied mercilessly at secondary school, so ended up with no school friends, and because of being unable to trust people, I don't have any friends as an adult either.

I'm now in my 50's. I've been morbidly obese all my adult life, type 2 diabetic, high blood pressure, etc., All because of how badly my weight was "treated" back at primary school by parents and the school doctor.

That's why I implore the OP to get proper professional help, including mental health support, at the earliest possible stages to get this matter under proper control. Putting restrictions/diets in place will do more harm than good. The underlying reasons need to be explored and dealt with. This is more of a mental health problem than a physical problem.

@MrsWooster

Try and remove the potential for sneaking and stealing. The ideal outcome would be, after initial gorging, the beginnings of self regulation.

Whilst yes, in theory, that's the answer, but it could lead to bigger problems when the OP's son has more freedom, i.e. maybe stealing from shops instead of parents, or selling possessions at school to get money to buy their own food, etc.

I'd say it's more of an answer for adults. It's certainly one of my coping strategies for my obsessive eating disorder. I piled on several stone when I got a job with a long commute as I'd stop at a couple of garages on the way to buy crisps, pie, sandwich, etc and eat whilst driving. My "cure" was to get a job much closer to home with a much shorter commute where I simply didn't have time to eat much on the way - I lost a few stone within the first few months of that job.

But teenagers may not have the emotional intelligence/ability to make that kind of change, they may not understand the need to change nor the triggers. The last thing the OP wants is for their DS to start stealing from other people/shops, which is highly likely if they can't binge eat at home.

By ‘remove the potential for stealing’, I meant remove the need to steal. Meet his needs without him having to steal.

When I was a teen I didn't steal food (there was never any treat food in the house to steal!) but I did eat in secret. I would buy stuff from corner shop, sneak it into my room and hide the wrappers.

Yes I am overweight as an adult (although not obese).

I think eating in secret is fairly normal for a teen, but I also think it is the start of an unhealthy relationship with food.

Could you sit down with him and have a proper conversation about this. Say that stealing other peoples stuff is not okay. Ask what would help him to stop? Maybe he should have more access to (relatively healthy) snack food and that would address his need to take it?

I was never allowed any snacks / treats when I was growing up, so I am taking a different approach with my own DC (age 12 to 16) and they have free access to the fridge and cupboards. It seems to be working so far, but I've also heard people say the opposite!

First of all, he’s not “stealing” food, he’s eating food. You say both your boys are overweight and yet give them crisps and cake bars, both highly processed and full of empty calories. Don’t have any food in the house that’s like this. Make sure there is freely available access to healthy alternatives. Have a chat with him about his eating. Does he see himself as overweight? Is he being bullied at school because if it?

@user1497207191

He's got a serious eating disorder that needs to be tackled professionally. Restricing his eating, hiding food from him, will just make things worse.

I know, I've been there and got the metaphorical T shirt and its ruined my adult life. I was overweight at primary school. Not my fault as such as I only ate what my parents gave me which was a pretty unhealthy diet (chips for every meal, tinned meat & veg, etc.). School reported me to what was then the "school doctor" who hauled me in with my parents and told them to put me on a diet. So they did - I had salads for every meal whilst they continued their chips with everything etc. That turned me (as it would anyone) as I saw it as a unfair punishment for something I had no control over as I'd only been eating the same as them (and they were overweight). Around the same time, the school opened a tuck shop selling crisps. So I started stealing a few coins at home to buy crisps at school. Teachers reported me to the school doctor and we got hauled in again and I got a telling off and told I was banned from the school tuck shop. So, I started getting friends at school to buy crisps and they'd bring them to me in the toilets where I'd eat them. That set the pattern for my teen years and adult life. I eat "healthily" in public and in front of family, even OH, but then I'd stuff myself in private, hide food etc.

Because I was obese, I was bullied mercilessly at secondary school, so ended up with no school friends, and because of being unable to trust people, I don't have any friends as an adult either.

I'm now in my 50's. I've been morbidly obese all my adult life, type 2 diabetic, high blood pressure, etc., All because of how badly my weight was "treated" back at primary school by parents and the school doctor.

That's why I implore the OP to get proper professional help, including mental health support, at the earliest possible stages to get this matter under proper control. Putting restrictions/diets in place will do more harm than good. The underlying reasons need to be explored and dealt with. This is more of a mental health problem than a physical problem.

Sorry you had to go through all of this! I hope you're in a better place with food now...

Thanks - my gut feeling is that it isn't ok. I know other mums of teen boys who say their boys are eating them out of house and home, but it isn't quite like this.

I have a 6'4" ds who is now 18 and ate me out of house and home.

The key difference was he wasn't secretive. He also would not have stolen food designated for his siblings.

he ate endless bowls of cereal, toasted bagels and biscuits. When he got older I kept a stock of cheap pizzas in the oven and he would cook one at midnight! (after eating 3 full meals during the day)

It is the secretive nature, the stealing and the anger when you try and talk about it that is a worry.
Also, hungry teens tend to be hungry becuase they are growing. ds was never overweight. If your ds is overweight then he isn't eating because he needs it, as most hungry teen ds are.

Does he have unlimited access to healthy, filling foods at home? I think that this is the way to go. I have an ED from childhood- I was overweight and my parents became restrictive and disapproving whenever I ate. This made me spiral. I had BED from when I was at primary, and then anorexia from my mid-20s onwards. Those two EDs are very, very similar, just with very different effects.

I was determined to raise my own DC with a healthier attitude towards food, and I basically let them eat when they're hungry, but only keep healthyish food in the house. They self-regulate with food (something I've never been able to do.)

I dont really know what I would think. I have four kids. They can all eat whatever they like when they like. We very rarely have biscuits cakes sweets etc in the house. The eldest two eat non stop and are both underweight. The eldest eats possibly five meals a day and a BMI of 16. If they want something they can have it. It's never worried me as only my middle son is overweight.

Can you think of healthier food they can snack on?

I struggled with this as a child too. If I'd had support from my family i think it would have been much easier to deal with. I think you probably need to reset things for the whole family. So talk to your husband and tell the kids we're all going to try to be healthier together so walks at weekends and one treat in the evenings rather than crisps and chocolate throughout the day. Fill the fruit bowl and make really good filling dinners. Allow everyone to choose one snack after dinner (you'll probably need to lock these away and hide the key) if you have something nice to look forward to and a full tummy it makes it easier to bear not having access to the junk food you crave.

Eventually the addiction to that sort of food will start to die, because the more good and healthy food you eat the less junk food you crave.

You absolutely do not need to buy crisps and cake bars for snacks and lunchboxes, you know that's a ridiculous thing to say. If they can't regulate their intake which most kids (and adults) can't do then you don't buy it.

Stop buying shit and then neither of your children can eat it!