Teen DS eating in secret and stealing food - normal or worrying?

[secreteatingteen]

Name change for this so as not to link up with other threads.

My DS 13 is eating massive amounts of food in secret and stealing food that he knows isn't his. Every time I challenge him about it he gets furious. He's overweight - not horrifically so, but overweight.

He takes food he knows is not for him. The latest I discovered this morning is half a sharing size bag of skittles that were his brother's that I had tried to hide from him. He's waiting till I'm in bed and to do it. I find wrappers hidden all over his room. I just found the empty box of Turkish delight that I bought for DH for Christmas hidden in there. He stole the two bags of chocolate coins I bought for stockings and ate them about 3 weeks before Christmas. It goes on and on.

I need to buy some snack type food for my younger DS to have for packed lunch (some crisps and cake bars for example). He demolishes them. I've tried putting them in a locked cupboard, he repeatedly stole the key to get to the food. He will get through a box of cereal in a couple of days. He'll eat slices and slices of bread.

I know teenagers need a lot of food - perhaps boys in particular - and he is clearly growing, but it's the stealing and secrecy that really upset me.

He is also 'stealing' money he finds around the house. He's not particularly secretive about this - the money is in his room and clear to see. I do challenge him about it and tell him it's not his, but he says 'Oh I just found it', which is probably true - coins that fall out of DHs pockets for example, change that I or DH have left on the side etc.

But I'm genuinely quite scared. He is on the whole a really lovely good kid, but this is worrying me. Help!

I really sympathise as we went through a phase of this with our eldest.

For us, we couldn’t simply not have crisps, chocolate or brownies etc in the house as our youngest has ARFID and eats such a tiny range of foods that we need to have those foods to keep him fed.

Dc1 is now 14yo and a lot more intuitive about what he eats. He still eats enough crap, and still wants it, but can rationalise what he’s eating a lot more than he could a couple of years ago. So (on a good day!) for example, he will turn down the offer of a big milky hot chocolate at breakfast time because he knows that he would like some of his Christmas chocolates whilst watching a film after dinner. He is a long way from being on top of it, but he is in a better place now.

I still wouldn’t leave things in plain sight though. For example, I wouldn’t keep the Christmas chocolates in the coffee table after going to bed at night as I know that he would eat them before I came downstairs for breakfast the next morning (he is always up first).

I can remember vividly finding masses of chocolate and crisps wrappers down the back of the radiator and sweet wrappers in his bedside drawer. Things like that. It was really shocking.

One thing that worked well for us was having fruit and yoghurt and things like that after dinner Monday to Thursday, and then I would get something really nice in for pudding on a Friday and ask him to choose. And saying no chocolate at the weekend save for a bar of something (individual bars, kit boxes or sharing bags) in front of the tv on Saturday night and Sunday night and ask him to choose. So he had control and choices.

There are still blips though.

It's normal for teenagers to be ravenous (I remember it well), but that is because they are highly active - team sports, walking long distances etc.

Is your DS active, OP?

Thanks - especially to those who have shared their own experiences from childhood. I really appreciate hearing what you feel would have helped you as a kid. I am going to try to have a calmer conversation with him about it.

To those using words like 'shit' 'junk food' 'crap' - my understanding has always been that to give your kids a healthy relationship with food, you shouldn't label any food as inherently 'bad'. I am clear with them that some foods are to be eaten in moderation because they are less nutritious. My worry is that by making those foods completely forbidden it is more likely that my DS will be secretive about them. That said I fully appreciate what you're saying, that if we don't have them in the house they can't be eaten.

I don't think I've been heavily restrictive or strict over their eating. We've always had 'treat' type food (for example we have one regular day of the week for buying a chocolate bar or bag of sweets after school) alongside relatively healthy meals. Both boys eat a wide range of fruit and veg, so it's not like they only eat crisps and biscuits etc.

The suggestions of getting plenty of readily available, no-cook healthier options in is helpful, thank you. I need to find more savoury options as the sugar levels really worry me. DS used to eat porridge and love it with just some fresh or dried fruit on - but that seems to have stopped. I might try to encourage that as an evening snack. Cooked chicken is a good one too. Both boys love a drumstick. They also like hummus and breadsticks/veg sticks. Any other ideas very welcome.

@StylishMummy

Stop buying shit and then neither of your children can eat it!

Doesn't stop him buying it/stealing it elsewhere though does it?

@WellTidy "I can remember vividly finding masses of chocolate and crisps wrappers down the back of the radiator and sweet wrappers in his bedside drawer. Things like that. It was really shocking."

Yes, this! It is really shocking. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad there could be light at the end of the tunnel. Did you speak to your DS about it before it changed? What did you say?

@CraftyGin - Not as active as he could be, no. He cycles to/from school, but we live less than a mile away so not going to make a huge impact. He has just started going to the gym after school 2 or 3 times a week which I'm pleased about. He's signed up for DofE where he needs to do something physical so I'm hoping this will motivate him to stick at it. He isn't naturally sporty though. I know plenty of kids his age who are and who do eat bucket loads because of it.

His activity sounds great! Very encouraging.

@secreteatingteen We talked about it a lot. He said how he just couldn’t stop himself. We also made a real effort to set an example without obviously being seen to. Things like DH would offer me a milky drink and I’d say ‘no thank you, I’ve already had one’ or ‘a small sandwich for me this lunchtime as I’m going out for dinner later’ and I think he slowly took it all on board.

I got him involved in making choices based on what might fill him up more so he would t be hungry and tempted. So things like porridge for breakfast, avocado on toast, eggs. I also involved him in the cooking, which he has always enjoyed.

There was also a time about 6 or 7 years ago that I noticed he had gained weight. I didn’t mention it to him then, but I changed what I cooked for dinner - upped the protein, lowered the carbs and upped the veg. I noticed that it kept him a lot fuller. I also made substitutions, so stopped buying ice creams but bought ice lollies instead. So he was eating fewer calories without realising or feeling it.

In my sixties now, and I still have a tendency to do this. The things that help me stop are drinking lots of water, eating lots of low carb high fat good food and having more interesting things to do than eat.

Convenience foods are addictive, that's why they make so much money for the manufacturers. They are designed to be eaten before you can think about it.

It's easier for me to cut them out than to restrict my consumption. Good luck.

My daughter used to steal food from age 13-16. She put on four stone. We later learnt she was being bullied. She isn't sporty. We used to find a half eaten chocolate cake under her bed. She would have stolen it ditto Christmas chocolate etc. Her brother was a serious athlete. He would eat through half a fridge , bread, bagels, eggs etc. She started to diet in covid and has now lost three stone of the weight and is much older and wiser. She has an app. She eats Raspberries every day which is expensive and i buy bagels, salmon, chicken, noodles etc. She will eat nutella, cake etc but counts it towards her allowance. The bullying had a profound effect on her mental health and engagement with her education. She is so much better so get some help and stock up on that chicken and bananas!

@Savboozer

My daughter used to steal food from age 13-16. She put on four stone. We later learnt she was being bullied. She isn't sporty. We used to find a half eaten chocolate cake under her bed. She would have stolen it ditto Christmas chocolate etc. Her brother was a serious athlete. He would eat through half a fridge , bread, bagels, eggs etc. She started to diet in covid and has now lost three stone of the weight and is much older and wiser. She has an app. She eats Raspberries every day which is expensive and i buy bagels, salmon, chicken, noodles etc. She will eat nutella, cake etc but counts it towards her allowance. The bullying had a profound effect on her mental health and engagement with her education. She is so much better so get some help and stock up on that chicken and bananas!

Oh no I'm sorry to hear that. Poor thing. Glad she's doing better now.

I really don't think he's being bullied. He seems to have a fairly wide group of friends, they all appear very happy go lucky. There is definitely 'banter' and I've heard them tease him about his weight, but then I've heard my DS tease mates about their physical attributes - like being short (my DS is tall) or skinny etc. It's all reasonably good natured. But I am not naive enough to think I would know for certain if there was bullying going on.

You must be so worried. Could you offer him some kind of therapy?

@coodawoodashooda

You must be so worried. Could you offer him some kind of therapy?

Yes in theory. I'd rather try and deal with it on a more low key level initially as I don't want to make him think there is something really wrong with him.

@Savboozer

I’m so very sorry to hear your daughter was bullied. So sorry.
The stress and strain that puts on a person is enormous. I know, because I was bullied for an entire year when I was 14.
Your girl is fortunate - she has you. I never told a soul, but it did teach me to never be a bully. I don’t remember it affecting my appetite except to maybe make it go away. Those months were a blur of keeping my head down, studying and keeping myself safe every single day. It was exhausting. After it was over, I bloomed. Many friends, good grades and lots of fun in and outside of school.
Please tell your daughter that it does get better and that the bullies never win, and that she has a friend in California.

@secreteatingteen

The “fat jokes” always cut the deepest.

I also used to eat in secret as a teen as my mother was very controlling around food. I wasn’t overweight but it set me up for a lifetime of yo-yo diets.

I think in your shoes I’d try to work first on the secrecy rather than what he’s eating. Talk to him about it all and reassure him that he is allowed to eat- try to encourage him to enjoy it (if he’s like me, he’ll be stuffing the secret food so fast he barely tastes it). It’s hard to make good choices for yourself when you feel ashamed.

I’d also look into some support for him, eg psychologist with ED specialism.