My Son

[TeenTrials]

Give me strength!

He’s 16. Supposed to be doing GCSEs in a matter of weeks. He totally changed over the summer. Lockdowns didn’t help as he became nocturnal, started gaming constantly, totally out of routine, not leaving the house, sleeping during the day. School very concerned. He became totally disengaged in his classes, lethargic, not doing homework, not doing any revision. Walked out of school one day, didn’t go in on another (with me frantically calling him and driving round looking for him) says he just couldn’t face it- but couldn’t specify what “it” was. Other days asked for duvet days which I allowed. Thinking it was the right thing to do if he is struggling with it all. Results of Xmas exams were dire after previously always hovering around Bs and Cs. Have had numerous discussions with him, he claims he’s fine, nothings wrong, doesn’t know why teachers are saying these things as he is just normal in class, school have offered counselling, he declined, I offered to arrange appointment with GP, he declined. Insists everything is fine. I haven’t even discussed Xmas exam results with him because he just shuts down the conversation saying there’s nothing wrong, he doesn’t need any help with anything. Last weekend I told him he needed to get back into a regular sleep routine for starting back to school today- to that end I would be turning the internet off at 10pm and taking his phone ( as previously advised on MN when I posted before) he whined but handed the phone over, but then he was playing already downloaded games on his PC that he didn’t need internet for. I asked him to stop and go to bed. He laughed at me and just carried on. Became really arrogant. I took his keyboard so he couldn’t play anything. I figured he could have them back the next day after apologising for being so horrible. That was a week ago. He hasn’t spoken to me since, isn’t leaving his room except to get food when I’m not around (like 2:30 this morning!) he’s living off cereal and toast. School started back today and he refused to go. He has no phone, no computer, nothing. He’s just lying in bed all day and night.

What the hell do I do?

Oh gosh OP - I'm really not sure. Have you spoken to school? Do they have any support they can offer? My DS school have a lot of pastoral support we can call on. I think you need some expert help to be honest.

Have you tried a total truce - so approaching him in a completely non-adversarial way saying you are really worried and you want to help find a solution. This isn't about carrot or stick and it's coming from a place of genuine concern for his wellbeing.

Or, I suppose, if you think you're more stubborn than he is (and he sounds very stubborn) - just hold out. Although I think he's really trying to communicate with you - he just doesn't know how.

Do you live with his dad? What does he say? Are there other siblings in the house? Is he close to any of them?

Suggest he tries getting his body clock back to normal-ask him to agree to at least evening meal together.. . Since Covid my ds 17 was living a night shifters life! Very difficult op.. Make his meals and wake him. Plenty of cuppas with you and try to get those lines of communication open. It takes patience which I get you are running thin on!!
Ds is now working pt + college and actually tidied and vacuumed his room un-nagged yesterday..

I know you were only trying to help. But if he wants to get his body clock back to normal he'll do it. Same as if he wants to have a family mean time. He's a human being, however will he learn to think for himself? It must feel very uncomfortable being told what to do all the time, and having parents pressuring and nagging. That would make anyone uncomfortable. 'Get ready for work op' 'get your shoes on op'. can you imagine? He clearly doesn't want to have family meal times. Don't make him. That isn't right. I'd give his phone back for a start and tell him about professional help

Thank you for all responses.

He has a younger brother who he gets on well with. Dad hasnt been seen for 5 years and DC don’t want to see him.

I haven’t contact school yet today but will do. They have offered all the support they can but he won’t take any of it. Says there isn’t a problem.

WRT him resetting his own bodyclock- the issue is he doesn’t. I left it up to him back in September after the summer break and he didn’t, he just stayed up all night gaming and this was why he was so lethargic and disengaged in school. His form teacher phoned me very concerned. He was putting his head down on the desk in class and they think he was sleeping. He says he wasn’t. So I told him he needed to set himself a bedtime and switch off the PC and phone and he said he would but he didn’t. I’ve been over this so many times with him, he says he can manage it himself but he isn’t. He said he wasn’t struggling in school, was doing his revision, didn’t need to go to the extra revision sessions the school were running but his results tell a very different story. Left to his own devices he isnt managing. He has been offered professional help and insists there is no need. If I give him his phone and keyboard back now he will just carry on as he has been and come august he will be sitting with no options other than to repeat his GCSEs which I don’t think he will do- so then what? Just stay in his room eating cereal and gaming? I’m so worried he’s messing up such an important stage of his life.

Maybe he doesn't enjoy his life as is and so just can't be bothered anymore. Does he have a bus pass? Access to trains? Have you suggested he pick somewhere to go alone or with friends?

No he clearly doesn’t enjoy his life. He appears to be miserable and depressed but he says he isn’t. Trains aren’t accessible where we are, they only go from city to city which aren’t anywhere near us. He can get the bus if he wants but he has never shown any interest in going anywhere outside of town. He has one close friend who he goes out to meet any time he likes. He had a job until December when his contract ended and he was making very good money for his age but I think he has spent it all. He buys things to do with gaming. For part of his Xmas present I got him a gym membership which he was very pleased with but so far he hasn’t gone. He is in scouts too which should be starting up again this week after Xmas so hopefully he will go to that.

Is he sufferining with anxiety or panic attacks ? That can lead to school refusal, and also deeply affects sleeping pattern. When l started suffering with my anxiety disorder and panic in my early 20' s, l didnt know what the symptons were, l actually thought l was going mad, which is scary, and my world became alot smaller as l avoided doing alot of things.
He definately sounds as though his mood is low, l would encourage him to have a talk with the Dr.

He’s not showing any outward signs of anxiety or panic attacks, but he has always been a quiet sort, not one for talking so could he be having a panic attack without looking any different to normal?

I can empathise my son did exactly the same. I was frantic worrying about his attendance rate etc.

He's 17 now and was without his Xbox for a good 6 months and started sleeping better hours but got an Xbox for Christmas and he's now doing the same again.

Can you get a referral to CAMHS to see if he is depressed?

I’ll certainly try, but I’m not sure he will engage. He has refused all offers of counselling/GP so far. Will the GP refer him without speaking to him?

I have one of these! It's soul destroying isn't it? Anything I mention about doing anything, is no thanks I'm fine.

I don't have any advice but I might in the next few weeks and will let you know. I feel I have to do something but I really don't know what any more. He was enjoying going to college but it's on line now for however long. Very worrying isn't it?

Yes I am so worried, I’m sorry you’re in the same situation @Trampoline11. Something definitely needs to change but I don’t know how if he won’t acknowledge there is anything wrong or even speak to someone.

I've been thinking about this, and I know you said your DC were happy to see the back of their dad, but it it possible he's stewing on it again?

I don’t think so. There was a question of their dad being at a family event recently and I spoke with him about how he felt about that and he said he wouldn’t go if that was a possibility. The event didn’t go ahead in the end anyway. I think if he wanted to see him he would just do it, he knows that wouldn’t be an issue with me.

Could he be depressed? You mentioned about his Dad not having contact. I didn't have any contact with my dad either and when I turned 16 I went into quite a deep depression.

Yes I think he is depressed.

My eldest was like this, I can only imagine how lockdown has exacerbated anxiety and avoidant symptoms in some young people.
My only advice is to keep plugging away at him and keep informing the school. I used to take any screens we had in the boot of my car to work and remember having tussles over laptops with him. Is there anyone else who might be able to talk to him? A friend or family member?

My ds managed to scrape enough grades to get into the Uni course he wanted but it was a very stressful time with him on and off between 14 and 18. Make sure you have some support and take a step back from time to time if you need it.
He's now back home having failed his 2nd year 🙄 but is working and has plans for the future so I just need to let him get on with it.

My ds also has no contact with his dad either, they have a relationship of sorts but I do think it contributed to his mood difficulties.

Hi. I feel your pain op. I have one of these sons too. 17 yo and failed GCSEs due to school refusal. No prospect of getting a job or studying. Says "he can't do it" due to his anxiety. He is anxious and depressed. Doesn't have any physical friends, all online. He has had counselling and is in touch with CAMHS but not much use tbh. He comes up with every excuse under the sun when asked to do something he doesn't want to do... Thinks life is going to be all sweetness and light when hes a adult. That he doesn't have to work hard for things in life. Thinks that his dream job, house, car, millions of pounds etc will all fall into his lap without any effort on his part to achieve these things. Spends his days online, playing on the PC and xbox. Comes out of his room to get food and that's it. Its infuriating. He's throwing his life away and nothing i say or do will make any difference. Feeling like the worst mum in the world. Sorry for the rant, i just wanted you to know that you're not on your own. Sending hugs. X

Oh @Mumtoboysxx I can feel your despair in your post. This is my concern- that DS will follow the same path. I mean what can we do if they refuse to do anything?

I know. What can we do? I'm hoping beyond hope that one day the penny will drop and he'll sort himself out. He hasn't been brought up around people that just sit around and do nothing and has always been encouraged to study and work hard for what he wants in life. I'm hoping if/when the penny drops that it wont be too late. Treading on eggshells to not cause arguments atm. Says hes moving out when he's 18 (later this year) but can't tell me how he plans on achieving this without an education or job.
Any advice i try to give him is just followed by an eye roll. He knows better apparently.

What are his plans post GCSE?
I have a 16yo who could not cope with the lack of structure of lockdown and he didn't get any GCSEs last summer. Perhaps different as he has an EHCP for his anxiety and school refusal. The same: all night gaming, no sleep routine, denial of the problem.
Anyway the post 16 team have got him into a very low impact small college specialising in anxious/autistic learners for a level 1 practical course + maths/English GCSE.
It has been a revelation. He has really taken ownership, made friends, has nearly full attendance, is really trying to stabilise his sleep. Talks about quitting gaming, what jobs he might apply for. He has a way to go but the key thing was he feels he's chosen this rather than the compulsory school environment.

There's usually some anxiety or silent protest around school refusal. Teenage boys can easily hide it in gaming or dropping out of things these days is the difficulty.

His plans were to do an apprenticeship in computers at FE college. I really hope that’s still the plan but he’ll need to work his ass off for the next few months in order to get into the course.

Is he smoking weed ?
Get school involved, tell them he refuses to attend.

The school can refer him to CAMHS