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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My Son

35 replies

TeenTrials · 10/01/2022 08:58

Give me strength!

He’s 16. Supposed to be doing GCSEs in a matter of weeks. He totally changed over the summer. Lockdowns didn’t help as he became nocturnal, started gaming constantly, totally out of routine, not leaving the house, sleeping during the day. School very concerned. He became totally disengaged in his classes, lethargic, not doing homework, not doing any revision. Walked out of school one day, didn’t go in on another (with me frantically calling him and driving round looking for him) says he just couldn’t face it- but couldn’t specify what “it” was. Other days asked for duvet days which I allowed. Thinking it was the right thing to do if he is struggling with it all. Results of Xmas exams were dire after previously always hovering around Bs and Cs. Have had numerous discussions with him, he claims he’s fine, nothings wrong, doesn’t know why teachers are saying these things as he is just normal in class, school have offered counselling, he declined, I offered to arrange appointment with GP, he declined. Insists everything is fine. I haven’t even discussed Xmas exam results with him because he just shuts down the conversation saying there’s nothing wrong, he doesn’t need any help with anything. Last weekend I told him he needed to get back into a regular sleep routine for starting back to school today- to that end I would be turning the internet off at 10pm and taking his phone ( as previously advised on MN when I posted before) he whined but handed the phone over, but then he was playing already downloaded games on his PC that he didn’t need internet for. I asked him to stop and go to bed. He laughed at me and just carried on. Became really arrogant. I took his keyboard so he couldn’t play anything. I figured he could have them back the next day after apologising for being so horrible. That was a week ago. He hasn’t spoken to me since, isn’t leaving his room except to get food when I’m not around (like 2:30 this morning!) he’s living off cereal and toast. School started back today and he refused to go. He has no phone, no computer, nothing. He’s just lying in bed all day and night.

What the hell do I do?

OP posts:

Holly60 · 11/01/2022 08:11

@preperri

I know you were only trying to help. But if he wants to get his body clock back to normal he'll do it. Same as if he wants to have a family mean time. He's a human being, however will he learn to think for himself? It must feel very uncomfortable being told what to do all the time, and having parents pressuring and nagging. That would make anyone uncomfortable. 'Get ready for work op' 'get your shoes on op'. can you imagine? He clearly doesn't want to have family meal times. Don't make him. That isn't right. I'd give his phone back for a start and tell him about professional help

He’s 16. He needs parents guiding him to do the right thing. As a former teacher, do you imagine that teachers of 16 year olds just let them choose whether to turn up to school, engage in the lessons, do their homework etc? No, we nag, explain, cajole, hand out consequences, hand out rewards and praise, give incentives. On repeat, repeat, repeat. That is what parents need to be doing too. 16 is nowhere near a mature adult ready to make their own decisions….

Undertheoldlindentree · 11/01/2022 08:18

Are there any live open days coming up at the college he wants to go to? Something that would give him an aim? Head of Y11 at our school says this can be really helpful.

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 12/01/2022 20:16

My son confided in me last night that he feels really low again that's why he's been gaming all night and sleeping during the day.

We're going to talk to CAMHS about restarting his fluoxetine

Original poster

TeenTrials · 12/01/2022 20:54

Well we’ve had some success today. He went to school. He wasnt happy about it but he went. I had a really direct conversation with him last night and told him he was facing being in the position of having no options in September other than to repeat his GCSEs with the year below students. He was dismissive and pretended he didn’t care but I told him I was done with that attitude, I was not accepting it anymore and that he was going to school. So he went, I also got him to agree to go back to scouts and he went to the gym and arranged his induction session there. He came down and ate dinner with us and I managed to get some laughs out of him. I spoke with his form teacher and a couple of his subject teachers as well and they’re on board with encouraging him to pull back as much as he can on the stuff he is behind on. I haven’t mentioned counselling or the GP to him yet, he’s managed a lot for today, but I will do.

Sorry your son is feeling low too @DiaryofWimpyMumm, it’s good that he feels able to tell you this.

OP posts:

scaredsadandstuck · 12/01/2022 21:09

Aww that's a good day! I'm pleased for you 🙂

Crunched · 12/01/2022 21:38

That's good TeenTrials.
My DS is now 23 and was very similar to your son when he was coming up to GCSE's, and we didn't have the added challenge of Covid schooling.
DS got just good enough grades to stay into sixth form, frustrating because he could have done so much better. He was totally focused on gaming having given up the sports he had been succeeding in, as well as not having any focus on academia. I don't think he was depressed, just overwhelmed and unable to see any future for himself.
He improved by small amounts, scraped 2 A-levels, enough to get him on a foundation degree then transferred to a BSc.After a bit of travelling he has now got a job with potential and is enjoying life.
Don't feel too disheartened. The best thing you can do is be consistent and mostly positive,and it sounds like you are being just that.
Your DS will get there in his own way.

Original poster

TeenTrials · 12/01/2022 21:43

Thank you @Crunched, that’s good to hear that your DS was able to turn things around. Teenage years are such a strange stage.

OP posts:

MrsBlondie · 12/01/2022 22:01

Do you know any of his friends and their parents? I have a child in year 11 and know a few parents contact details. Could they ask his friends what's up?

Mossstitch · 12/01/2022 22:43

Unfortunately teenage boys often seem to go through this phase, two of mine did but sorted themselves out in the end! One who was straight A student with gcse went through this phase when doing A levels, clashed with teachers as wouldn't conform and do his work, his results were rubbish. Said didn't want to go to uni like his brothers. After a year in a call centre he decided perhaps not such a bad idea after all🤔😂 did access to higher education as his A levels were not good enough, went to uni and now a nurse. All you can do is feed them, be available if they want to talk and let them know you love and support them no matter what. School work is not the most important thing at this stage, it can always been returned to at a later date when they know what they want out of life.

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 13/01/2022 20:47

Thank you @TeenTrials it's good he went into school today.

Our doctor phoned today and we've agreed my son won't go back in meds right away we're going to see how he goes over the next few weeks until his CAMHS appointment in February. He's gone out to his friends tonight so seemed happy enough.

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