Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Advice on DD13 and swimming

33 replies

CherylPorter350 · 07/01/2022 15:04

So, DD13 is very much your typical teen, stroppy, moody, cheeky. This I manage without issue.

Recently she has started a swimming block in pe at school and has told me she's going to refuse to do it. I've explained there will likely be disciplinary consequences at school and, if so, at home also. She's now said she will participate on the Friday but not the Wednesday as she's not getting her hair wet and removing her make up first period.

I've listened and explained that in life we have to learn that as part of school, and work going forward, there are certain things we won't want to do but are obliged to as part of schoo/work and she can't pick or choose. Her reply was if she gets buried it's my fault and none of the girls do swimming. I told her I'd call the school to check and she changed her mind on that statement.

Am I being unreasonable here? She wants me to email the school to get her out of it and I've said no.

For context my oldest DD felt the same and I also refused to get her out of it. No long standing issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
CherylPorter350 · 07/01/2022 15:05

*should say bullied not buried

OP posts:
Annoyedandirritated · 07/01/2022 15:06

My 8 year old is the same (minus the makeup Grin) and I’m refusing to let her stop too

ChateauMargaux · 07/01/2022 15:08

I would explore all of the issues she has around this, based on what you have said, especially as she said she will participate on Fridays.. it sounds like it is hair and make up only .... in which case, maybe listen, ask her to find solutions... easy to manage hair style, minimal make up... or just roll your eyes and yawn!! Sorry... not very helpful!!

MrsPnut · 07/01/2022 15:08

I'd also refuse to email the school to let her miss swimming. I'd tell her that if she gets into trouble for trying to avoid it then she is on her own.

You're right that there will always be bits of jobs and life that we don't want to do but we have to get on with it.

Original poster
CherylPorter350 · 07/01/2022 15:11

Thank you for the replies...I just feel by assisting getting her out of it I'm setting her up to believe well if I don't want yo do that bit I don't need to

OP posts:
JasmineGarden · 07/01/2022 15:11

School swimming at that age can be mortifying! I do feel for her.

How much makeup is she wearing? (I was a teen overseas where makeup wasn't a 'thing' at that age & school would not have permitted it either, but the girls do seem to wear it young here!).

Can she not just do a flick of eyeliner mascara & lip gloss after swimming?

Is she as happy as it's possible to be with her swimwear? (Our kids school had uniform swimsuit so that made it easier!!)

My own memories of school swimming would make me want to get her out if it & woukd if she could articulate a GOID reason for it, but make up wouldn't be a good reason & my parent brain agrees with just having to get on with shit.

JustWonderingIfYou · 07/01/2022 15:12

I'd treat it no differently to if she was asking you if she could opt out of maths. Stick to your guns.

BlockThatScrote · 07/01/2022 15:20

I'd treat it no differently to if she was asking you if she could opt out of maths. Stick to your guns.

I'd do the opposite because maths doesn't involve being half naked in front of your peers and getting soaked top to toe first thing in the morning - in winter.

They stop swimming with school at P5 here and I wouldn't force my daughter to do it any older than that.

I love swimming now as an adult but that's because it's a nice warm quiet pool and I can do it when I choose to. You couldn't have paid me £1000 to do this at 13.

I'd write the note personally...

massistar · 07/01/2022 15:22

How much makeup is she wearing to school at 13 that this is an issue?!

Could she use Waterproof mascara? No way I'd be letting my DD, 13 out of swimming on this basis.

Original poster
CherylPorter350 · 07/01/2022 15:25

I do understand the mortifying bit...that was my older DD reasoning. With her I took her out to pick new swimwear that made her more comfortable (she chose shorts to go over her swimsuit) and I'd happily do that for DD13.

I dont think make up is a good enough reason, she doesn't wear loads as it is and could manage a quick top up if necessary.

Out of my 5 children, she is by far the hardest teen!! I also don't think it would look fair to the other kids if I allow her something none of them were.

OP posts:
massistar · 07/01/2022 15:33

I can't think of many reasons I would let my DD off to be honest. PE is just as important as maths. We don't get to pick and choose what bits of school to participate in.

But I recognise that I can be quite hardcore . Grin

N4ish · 07/01/2022 15:46

Is there any chance her reluctance is to do with dealing with periods? I had this when I was a young teen, wasn't brave enough to use tampons and didn't have the kind of relationship with my DM where we could talk about it. I ended up bunking off school when it was swimming class, no one ever seemed to notice weirdly.

idril · 07/01/2022 15:58

I am very hardcore about my children exercising but I would write the note.

Exercise IS important but there are other ways to get exercise and missing swimming (assuming that she can already swim) isn't going to affect her future (other than possibly put her off swimming for life). So in that way it's very different to maths.

Original poster
CherylPorter350 · 07/01/2022 16:03

@massistar

I can't think of many reasons I would let my DD off to be honest. PE is just as important as maths. We don't get to pick and choose what bits of school to participate in.

But I recognise that I can be quite hardcore . Grin

To be fair I can't actually think of any real reason that would convince me to get any of my DC out of a particular class either 🤣

No one gets me out of the crappy bits of my job lo

OP posts:
Original poster
CherylPorter350 · 07/01/2022 16:05

@idril

I am very hardcore about my children exercising but I would write the note.

Exercise IS important but there are other ways to get exercise and missing swimming (assuming that she can already swim) isn't going to affect her future (other than possibly put her off swimming for life). So in that way it's very different to maths.

No, we're very open in this house about periods etc. Hers started about 6 months ago, she's comfortable with her use of sanitary wear. I'd be more inclined to excuse whilst on her period if that was what she'd raised but it appears to be more about going all day without make up or being able to straighten her hair
OP posts:
massistar · 07/01/2022 16:31

@idril

I am very hardcore about my children exercising but I would write the note.

Exercise IS important but there are other ways to get exercise and missing swimming (assuming that she can already swim) isn't going to affect her future (other than possibly put her off swimming for life). So in that way it's very different to maths.

Yes there are other ways to get exercise but surely writing a note to get her out of swimming just because she's worried about her hair and makeup isn't sending her a good message? Girls worry enough about that shit as it is. I'd have been more sympathetic if it had been period related.
WeAllHaveWings · 07/01/2022 22:10

A general comment, not to the op, what on earth have we done to our children that they are this concerned about their image ☹️ I cant remember anyone being like this at any point when I was in school, nevermind at only 13.

Dont know what the answer is op but it obviously comes from peer pressure. I have a son so havent experienced this, I would want her to go swimming and not care as much about her image to others, but easier said than done.

tootyfruitypickle · 07/01/2022 22:26

I write my dd notes to get her out of gymnastics cos she hates it so much. She does other sport out of school so pe, meh.

tootyfruitypickle · 07/01/2022 22:28

I used to say I had my period every 2 weeks ! The pe teacher started keeping a rota of everyone's periods as so many of us pleaded off. 80s school days !
I also forged notes to get out of cross country .

So yes I'd write the note!

Kindnessandcourage · 07/01/2022 22:36

Can she swim op? Is she anxious about swimming?

MrsPnut · 07/01/2022 23:05

My youngest is pretty sporty but not sports done at school, she did one ballet class and declared it not for her.
She was very surprised to be given a student of the block award for a dance block but she had tried hard and progressed.

Sometimes trying something you don’t like brings benefits.

Original poster
CherylPorter350 · 08/01/2022 01:25

@Kindnessandcourage

Can she swim op? Is she anxious about swimming?
Yeah she can swim very well, was in lessons from age 3
OP posts:
negomi90 · 08/01/2022 01:36

I'd offer her an alternative sport.
As adults we can avoid things we hate. We don't pick jobs with something we find traumatic. There are bits we don't like, but we can shape our lives to avoid things we hate. Just like as an adult I don't buy food I don't like to eat.
There are a million reasons why a teenage girl wouldn't want to swim and if make up helps her confidence and she doesn't want her hair to be frizzy after swimming those reasons are important to her.
You've said she can swim, so this isn't a safety thing. There are ways of exercising which she could do instead, so not doing swimming won't jeopardise her health.
I don't understand why you would fight this. Not swimming isn't going to do her any harm, it won't even affect her GCSEs and her long term future.
As to your older girl who you made do it. You can acknowledge that your views have changed and agree that it sucks to be her. (I say this as an older sibling who consistently watches my younger siblings get away with things I would never have been allowed to do.)
I don't see what you gain from making her go swimming with school other than a power struggle.

llansanan · 08/01/2022 10:12

I'd stick by your guns and not enable her missing the class.

gogohm · 08/01/2022 10:21

This is why make up shouldn't be allowed in school! Posters will say make up doesn't affect learning but it does with pe and swimming. Mine swam end of, wasn't up for negotiation and they didn't ask to get out of it to be fair because everyone went swimming. One dd swims daily at university now. When they go out they wear make up but they don't for lectures