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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Vaping, lying teen DD

36 replies

Youhavetobejoking · 02/01/2022 08:57

I have posted here before about the lack of trust I have in my 16yo DD. She has been caught doing various 'minor' banned deeds-lying about where she's going, drinking once, (only a little-not drunk but still had sworn she wouldn't), going to places she's not allowed whilst at friend's (whose mum is waaaay more laissez faire than we are). The worst recently was getting caught vaping AT SCHOOL, she denied it to the hilt, is still denying it but was suspended for a day as punishment. Now it seems she's been seen vaping at school again. I'm pretty sure she was also vaping on a recent day out with friends (the only time she's been allowed out in months due to grounding for previous vaping incident). I'm at a loss. She's a bright girl. It's GCSE year yet her marks are very inconsistent and it looks like she's unlikely to be able to pull them up in time for her actual exams. She's very loud, sociable & desperate to be part of the 'cool' crowd. I guess my biggest concern is the lying & how she appears to be able to convince herself she's telling the truth when she's not!! How can I move on from this? I would love to be a 'make your own mistakes and learn from them' mum but my knee jerk is reaction is to be a 1950s mum to keep her safe ATM. I want to completely remove her from her current friend group & take away all her social media!! Lock her up until after her exams. I feel she's really immature and at risk of addiction/pregnancy and I don't like or trust any of her friends, if I'm honest. I feel like it's only a mater of time before she gets caught up in something really stupid/risky. I haven't brought up the most recent vaping at school with her yet, I'm at a loss as the last punishments have clearly made no impact on her at all and she goes straight back to doing what she's not supposed to be doing. (We take her phone as punishment and her laptop, but both of these devices she needs for school, so not ideal TBH. She also gets grounded-so the recent day out was the first time in 2 months she's been allowed to meet friends socially). I don't want to remove her hobbies as I feel this would be detrimental to her mental & emotional health & that's the absolute opposite of what I want to happen. Help!!!!

OP posts:
2kankhunt42 · 02/01/2022 09:01

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Locomelon · 02/01/2022 09:03

I may not be the right person to respond here as I truly believe you can't wrap them up and the best way to learn is through experience. I fear it may be too late for you to change your tune here though, as my advice would already be to let them experiment a bit at this age but also make sure they have time to study and hammer home how important it is to get those grades - but it doesn't have to mean you aren't part of the 'cool crowd' it's actually pretty cool to be smart nowadays.
As for the vaping, it's horrible I agree, but don't over react and worry about teenage pregnancy at this point. One thing at a time. Keeping the lines of communication open, being a parent while also being someone they can talk to about things, be a bit open minded. 16 is a very tricky age but you run the risk of completely alienating her if you keep laying down the law.
I sympathise with your plight.

Locomelon · 02/01/2022 09:05

As an aside, if you take everything away from her and stop her from seeing her friends, that will 100% affect her mental health and well being. And she'll find a way to defy you, and will lose respect for you.

HailAdrian · 02/01/2022 09:05

You can't 'ground' a 16yo ffs. 🙄

Teenstress11 · 02/01/2022 09:11

You are really strict! Grounding a 16 year old for being slightly drunk once and vaping! Taking her phone away like she is 12. I actually can't believe you put it was the first day she had been out socially with her friends in 2 months. 2 months! No wonder she wants to cut loose when she does get allowed out of prison, poor girl.

2kankhunt42 · 02/01/2022 09:16

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ZZGirl · 02/01/2022 09:25

I know vaping isn't great but at least it isn't cigarettes? You also don't mention if you've sat down and had a gentle, adult conversation with her about her exams, behaviour etc...
Two months is a long time to be grounded. You gotta meet halfway with her and have a discussion or she'll just rebel.

LubaLuca · 02/01/2022 09:33

Your reaction is why she keeps lying, so bear that in mind when you're trying to force the truth out of her. Vaping is not pleasant, but trying it at 16 doesn't make her a failure of a person or a lost cause that needs to be shielded from evil influences.

My mum went mental when she found out I'd tried cigarettes. I didn't smoke for long, but I did take some rebellious pleasure in it because of her po-faced reaction.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 02/01/2022 09:38

Instead of punishing, would motivating encourage her to do her studying?Your main concern right now is that she doesn't mess up her GCSEs? We have agreed a very insentivising remuneration scheme for our ds15 dependent on his grades. He is very motivated by money, and I have seen a marked increase in studying and grade improvement since we've done this.
I know in an ideal works they should just get on with it, but they're teenagers and they'd rather be hanging with mates then studying, so anything you can do to motivate rather than force is good.

user1487194234 · 02/01/2022 09:42

I think you have been way over the top
I would stop the punishment regime and start talking
You risk her increasing rather than decreasing poor behaviour choices and also risk your whole relationship
She is a person in her own right,not a possession for you to control

bexxboo · 02/01/2022 09:52

As hard as this is, you have to let her be. The more you try to control her, the more she will rebel. It's reverse psychology.

My younger sister was exactly the same when we were growing up, it was just my dad raising us and he would get so depressed and frustrated to the point he took a step back.

She made her mistakes and acted like an asshole, got into all sorts of trouble. Then joined the army, now she works as a mental health nurse.

She did what all shitty little teenagers do, she grew up. She always told me she never listened to dad, she didn't care what he thought etc.

The best thing you can do for yourself and for your daughter is to simply step back, let her make mistakes. Just be there when she needs you.

There's no point making yourself ill over stress, or making an enemy out of your daughter.

Be a bit selfish, take a day for yourself. When she sees her freedom open up it won't seem as exciting anymore. Trust me.

mugoftea456 · 02/01/2022 09:55

Parents seem so hard on teenagers compared to when I was a teenager.

Can't comment as a parent as my kids are younger.

I firmly believe teenagers need to make mistakes, and be allowed to make their own decisions to some extent.

Obviously if she is doing drugs, or coming home paralytic it is different.

mumofEandE · 02/01/2022 09:58

I also have a boundary pushing 16 year old DD - it's hard and I keep picking my battles but that in itself is difficult.
I keep saying to myself it's only a phase .... but this phase is soooo long!

Tee20x · 02/01/2022 10:00

The things you've said don't really seem too out there for a 16 year old. If she feels like she needs to lie or hide stuff from you that says more about your relationship than her personality if you see what I mean. Especially since what she is doing "wrong" isn't even that bad.

You won't let her go to her friends house because her mum is more relaxed? They're 16 - why does whether or not the mum is even there matter. Of course she would lie.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/01/2022 10:07

You do seem very strict! Grounding her for 2 months Shock. I’m surprised she didn’t just walk out!

The problem is if she does make some bad decisions when she’s out she will be reluctant to contact you for help.

I get it’s hard, one of ours pushed the boundaries at this age big time. vaping isn’t the end of the world, nor is trying drink at that age!

hiredandsqueak · 02/01/2022 10:08

I think dd is lying because she knows that you are going to punish her severely. I've been through five teenagers now and still believe that the reason I had it so easy was because I encouraged them to be honest with me knowing full well I wouldn't lose my rag and if there were consequences (rarely) they would be short lived and proportionate. Lengthy punishments give her no incentive to behave just a reason to avoid getting caught. My advice would be to start with a clean slate and speak with your daughter. FWIW none of my five vape or smoke not because I would have punished them harshly but more because we spoke at length about the pros and cons and they decided for themselves not to do either.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 02/01/2022 10:08

I used to lie to my mum all the time. I didn't even do anything bad, really. I was a pretty boring teenager. I worked hard at school and ended up with good grades in most subjects, but had protected sex with my long term boyfriend, tried a cigarette once, and tried weed a couple of times when I was 18. I lied to my mum about the most stupid little things all of the time because she was insanely strict and treated me like a 5 yr old, despite the fact that I was quite sensible and did really well at school. I was still regularly being grounded at 17 - she even once told me I wasn't allowed to go to my Saturday job! I went anyway. Our relationship pretty much disappeared because I always had to lie to her.

Once I left home to study at uni I went completely off the rails. Scraped a passing mark, somehow, but got really into drugs and alcohol. By third year I had become an addict living in a disgusting squat with my abusive 34 yr old boyfriend. And still, in spite of the horrible mess I was in, I did not call my mother and ask her to come and get me. It never even crossed my mind. I never, ever, felt like I could call my mother if I was in trouble. I'm now married with my own children and I still don't call my mother if I'm in trouble.

I know my story is probably a bit extreme compared to your daughter's, but my point is that if you are really strict with her over small things she will just keep lying to you and that will become her normal. You won't have any authentic communication anymore.

waterrat · 04/01/2022 17:04

I think you need to step back op and let her have an independent life. At her age I was out clubbing and taking drugs !

perhapstomorrow · 12/01/2022 23:32

A genuine question to all those saying the op is being too hard, would you then turn a blind eye on the vaping? Reason I ask is that my DD (14) has been caught a second time at school vaping. First time, I acted like the OP and she was grounded for a month. I also discovered empty bottles of vodka at the same time. I have since sat down with her to try and find out why she feels the need to vape/drink and the potential dangers but it obviously fell on deaf ears. Now she's been caught again and I really don't know how to handle it. WWYD?

Soulface · 16/01/2022 16:32

I feel your pain! It's so frustrating, my DD who's 14 has also started vaping, she even did it in her bedroom! I've warned her that if she does it in her bedroom again she will have a long phone ban, as far as I'm concerned it's disrespectful in the house.
I've come to terms that she'll continue to vape when out with friends etc and hopefully she'll stop when she realises how stupid it is. I smoked at her age so understand its a phase, teenagers experiment and make mistakes. So I'm not going to be too harsh about it, she knows I disapprove but I'm completely aware that saying no will not stop her.
It appears your DD is lying to you because she feels she will be punished severely.

WorkingMumD · 02/11/2022 16:13

Hello - so I've got the tshirt on this one - and all the postcards. Given my time again I now see that being strict, punishing and going nuts had exactly the OPPOSITE impact of what I wanted to achieve. Think about it - if someone reacted like THAT to your having the odd sneaky G&T what would you do? Get angry, silently rebel, do it in secret and lie...now add in a few teen hormones... The best advice I got given is: don't dial into the drama, if you feel yourself getting 'triggered', walk away, cool off. Start again another time. Put keeping a good relationship with your child as your number ONE priority. Get them talking about something they feel safe talking about (in the car is always good, no eye contact), then tell them a story you've heard about vaping/smoking/bunking off (another teen is always good, so they can have an opinion), then ask their opinion and have a discussion where you have all the facts to hand can explain with evidence, why vaping/smoking/bunking off is bad. Consult with them, keep it calm, be smart... Can't say I've always managed this approach, but when I have it's 10 times better...

JiggingJigsaws · 02/11/2022 16:20

What exactly is the point of vaping? Not the issue, I realise, but why???

Seriously though OP, you are way too strict. Grounding her for two months is completely excessive and she's going to have no respect for you. Please try and tone it down.

I was caught drinking at 14 and I was grounded for one day. But my parents scared the shit out of me, the disappointment on their faces really upset me. I didn't drink again until I was 17 and I'm now a fully adjusted, normal adult, with a mortgage, husband, two kids and a very respectable, stable full-time job.

PeloFondo · 02/11/2022 16:26

JiggingJigsaws · 02/11/2022 16:20

What exactly is the point of vaping? Not the issue, I realise, but why???

Seriously though OP, you are way too strict. Grounding her for two months is completely excessive and she's going to have no respect for you. Please try and tone it down.

I was caught drinking at 14 and I was grounded for one day. But my parents scared the shit out of me, the disappointment on their faces really upset me. I didn't drink again until I was 17 and I'm now a fully adjusted, normal adult, with a mortgage, husband, two kids and a very respectable, stable full-time job.

Nicotine usually. I vape, I used it to stop smoking 30 a day
It was designed as a nicotine replacement like patches

EmilyGilmoresSass · 02/11/2022 16:36

Grounded for 2 months? I'd be ringing social services if I knew you ffs. She's old enough to move out and I wouldn't blame her if she did.

JiggingJigsaws · 02/11/2022 16:41

@PeloFondo I do know that! it was a rhetorical question 😂

the nicotine addiction is unlikely to be relevant to a 16 year old who has not previously smoked