Vaping, lying teen DD

[Youhavetobejoking]

I have posted here before about the lack of trust I have in my 16yo DD. She has been caught doing various 'minor' banned deeds-lying about where she's going, drinking once, (only a little-not drunk but still had sworn she wouldn't), going to places she's not allowed whilst at friend's (whose mum is waaaay more laissez faire than we are). The worst recently was getting caught vaping AT SCHOOL, she denied it to the hilt, is still denying it but was suspended for a day as punishment. Now it seems she's been seen vaping at school again. I'm pretty sure she was also vaping on a recent day out with friends (the only time she's been allowed out in months due to grounding for previous vaping incident). I'm at a loss. She's a bright girl. It's GCSE year yet her marks are very inconsistent and it looks like she's unlikely to be able to pull them up in time for her actual exams. She's very loud, sociable & desperate to be part of the 'cool' crowd. I guess my biggest concern is the lying & how she appears to be able to convince herself she's telling the truth when she's not!! How can I move on from this? I would love to be a 'make your own mistakes and learn from them' mum but my knee jerk is reaction is to be a 1950s mum to keep her safe ATM. I want to completely remove her from her current friend group & take away all her social media!! Lock her up until after her exams. I feel she's really immature and at risk of addiction/pregnancy and I don't like or trust any of her friends, if I'm honest. I feel like it's only a mater of time before she gets caught up in something really stupid/risky. I haven't brought up the most recent vaping at school with her yet, I'm at a loss as the last punishments have clearly made no impact on her at all and she goes straight back to doing what she's not supposed to be doing. (We take her phone as punishment and her laptop, but both of these devices she needs for school, so not ideal TBH. She also gets grounded-so the recent day out was the first time in 2 months she's been allowed to meet friends socially). I don't want to remove her hobbies as I feel this would be detrimental to her mental & emotional health & that's the absolute opposite of what I want to happen. Help!!!!

I think it's what people try now instead of smoking
If they had been available instead of cigs when I was a teenager, I would have tried one!
Or their mates are using them (nicotine free) so they think it's no nicotine I'll just try one and then get hooked on the hand to mouth habit maybe?

Try and go easier on her or she'll put all her trust in her dodgy mates as she cannot turn to you if and when she needs help

@PeloFondo yes it is what teenagers try now, I would have asked the same question about smoking.

She’s lying as it seems she has no life because it’s controlled by you. She will rebel badly when you aren’t able to tell her what to do because she will be a adult and she will have no sense of dangers as she has lived in your ‘perfect world’ for so long. You are setting her up to fail big time.

shes 16, she’s vaping and she had a bit of a drink. It’s so not an issue

I have a 17 year old DS and u/s what you are experiencing. They are teenagers right so part of their job is to push boundaries and explore who they want to be which is usually something very different to what you want them to be. I would never condone vaping, drinking etc but it is normal.......to a point. Set boundaries and be prepared to stretch them but never break them. I would decide what is normal and be prepared to be flexible on these things. They need to understand that you accept them and are there for them no matter what but you have rules. I have to say, I have found being a parent to 2 teenager harder than any other stage. However, I believe that if you do not have boundaries they could likely turn into entitled, spoilt adults. They will thank you .... eventually!

Two months is too long. It will lose impact if you are too quick to punish in this way. There are also other ways of getting your point across. Less money on tap and other treats not offered will be better.

Truanting school - serious talk and miss a weekend's socialising.
Vaping at school - serious talk about health risks and removal of cash for paying for said vapes. Any vapes in the house binned.
Drinking - Maybe a conversation about how to keep herself safe by not getting in a position where she is not able to look after herself.

I think you should also keep reiterating the reasons behind your concern. You also need to accept that she will take some risks, try out some stuff and will not always tell you everything. This is part of growing up.

@Youhavetobejoking My youngest, also a DD, did far worse similar to yours at that age. It was utterly beyond the pale for me, as I was the most law-abiding teenager ever known (didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't have 'unsuitable' friends, etc, etc). My other DC were more like me, but I've been on a right old rollercoaster with the last one.

Vaping: I have learned that this is not a hill upon which one should die. They grow out of it.

Social media: I cannot begin to describe how much I loathe social media. But it is how they communicate now.

I am basically opposed to drunkenness, vaping, smoking, casual sex etc etc etc, so my gut feeling is always to clamp down in the hope that it will make them go away. But it won't. I do have some absolute 'house rules', which amount to "no drugs anywhere near my house", "smoking/vaping outside only"; "don't you dare wake me up when you come home drunk"; and "no casual sex in the house".

With a DC of that age, punishments/confiscation etc won't do the job. If it has got to this stage, what matters is that they will still tell you when things have gone wrong, and will trust you not to blow your top (even if what they are telling you is completely alien to you). You have to let go of the reins at 16+, but do whatever you can to keep the lines of communication open. It's not easy, but it's actually the only way you can help to keep them safe.

If it's any consolation, this same DD is now at university and is now not that interested in going out/drinking/vaping, because she did it all when she was 16. She said that clubbing is really boring once you don't need to use fake ID.

I'm going through something similar with my DS of nearly 16 - vaping, tried weed and self harmed. Had a long chat with him, got him into counselling straight away and although it was so hard - I had to trust him when he said he wont do it anymore. signed him up for kickboxing to vent all that excess teenage energy off and i even gave him nicorettes to help with the cravings lol (maybe you can try that too?) my first instinct was to stop him seeing friends, ground him, take away his phone but i knew it will just make it worse - force creates resistance. DS himself said he was really surprised at the calm way i handled things (even though i was screaming inside).

been 5 weeks now since all that happened and we've seen that dark cloud lift bit by bit - he's still a sulky, moaning teenager but at least he's sulky and moaning with us and not cooped up in his room all the time with only his thoughts for company. he's started to engage with the family just a little bit more. it's an uphill climb, good days and bad days until he shakes off the depression but hopefully counselling will help with that.

so i know how you feel OP but if you talk to your DD and (i know it's hard to say the words) tell her that you TRUST her to make the right decisions and remember that every decision has consequences, you might see a little change in her and fingers crossed that will pave the way for a more open communication.

PS - for the drinking, tell her she's better off with lager or cider cos her body can't take vodka yet lol a friend of mine did that with her DS long time ago and while she did try lager and cider a couple of times, she stopped eventually

You sound like you’re conking down like a tonne of bricks over what is fairly normal teenage behaviour. Ok, so the vaping at school isn’t ideal, but in the great scheme of things it’s not the end of the world.

I caught my 14 year old vaping. I wasn’t best pleased, but I know what I was like at that age, and that I grew out of it. So I just told her to not make a habit of it as we don’t know the long term affects and left it at that. She hasn’t done anything really bad and I’d rather she feels that she can come to me and I won’t go mental at her. She does by the way and tells me a lot of what’s going on and what she’s been up to.

dd1 was always so well behaved I never had to navigate this sort of normal teenage behaviour. But a bit of smoking/ vaping and under age drinking is fairly standard at this age.

Didn’t you ever do anything like this at their age? I certainly did and far worse. imagine you were my mum, I was going to all night races off my tits at your dds age! I am now a fully functioning adult with a responsible job. Honestly let her have some breathing space.

• all night raves.