DD15 throwing opportunities away and I think it’s my fault

[youaintseenbadboyz2]

Sorry for the long message but I hope you can help.

My DD isn’t a trouble maker, it’s doing fine at school, has typical friend ups and downs, a boyfriend that she sees once or twice a week. She’s sensible and does share her feelings.

However she is just coasting through life and I think it’s my fault. She does nothing around the house, we have a new puppy of her breed choice and she rarely interacts with him, she now forces all her tone in her room on her phone or watching Netflix - so far so teen! But the heartbreaking thing is she is a talented sports person - she has the opportunity to be great abs she tells people that’s what she wants to do, but she does nothing about it. At the moment she’s getting by on innate ability but her peers are practising and putting in the work and frankly she has no chance of making it. We don’t nag her to practice, we get her coaching, offer to take her whenever she wants to practice. I work full time and I’m doing a masters and I drop everything if she wants to do something.

My husband offers to work with her (as he has competed in his youth but a slightly different sport) but we get a reluctant OK.

We were both pushed as children and are determined not to do that to her. So this really isn’t about us expecting something or living through her. It’s objectively looking at what she could achieve, listen to her say it’s what she wants, hear so many people encourage her but watch her do nothing about it.

Do we just let her mess up this chance she has? Should we expect more? I’m so lost abs frankly exhausted trying to navigate this. I hate confrontation so never argue or Moab at her but it’s getting me down

Sorry for the mistakes in the post, it’s early in the morning!

Why are you lost?

Although you are trying hard not to be like your parents, you have taken on their view that your daughter’s success (or otherwise) reflects well or badly on you.

The kindest thing you can do is step right back, both in action and thought. Every time you think she should not be ‘wasting her talent’, ask yourself why you care so much-is it really for her or for you?

If she is happy and doing OK, you are being a great parent. The successful and happy are there because it comes from within them, not imposed externally.

Tough one. She might regret it in adulthood. But she's old enough to understand she needs to try or that she's not trying hard enough. I think in your shoes I'd find a casual chance to lay your cards out on the table about the sport practice, just once eg while you're driving "I've been thinking about how I hated being pushed when I was a child so we are not doing that to you, but you do understand you need to practice more if you're going to go any further in this sport?" - it might turn out she's fine with that! She's allowed to just enjoy it to the point she reached now. But it might also be the kick up the bum she needs.

So you have a 15 year old who's not getting in trouble in school, doesn't drink or party, does some sports and mostly hangs out at home. I'd count your blessings tbh.

I don't think it's fair to say she's messing up her life. She's only 15, still a child. She's got plenty of time to figure out what to do with her life. I'm in my thirties and have only just realised what it is I really want from life and I'm going through a drastic career change. She sounds like a typical teenager to me.

Is there a middle path? I see what you are saying OP _ yes it's true that she may decide later in life what she wants to do but the reality is that if she is to succeed in a sport she has to put the hours in now not later. However - maybe that is not for her.

Do you know if she actually really truly wants that level of success? IF she does and she needs more support form you - then push her. If deep down she actually hasn't got what it takes - OR - and this is just as important - you don't have what it takes to push and push her - then be realistic.

Could you break down what bothers you about how she is living her life? Would you like her to spend more leisure time outdoors/ doing sport/ other stuff than netflix? You have some influence on this at 15.

Could you sit down with her and have a really honest conversation - explain that if she wants to excel at sport it will take X and X and X - and that includes the extra hours. My son plays football and says he wants to do it professionally - but I know he lacks the discipline! He doesnt kick a ball against a wall or do keepy uppies, he can't be bothered.

I think you have to stop comparing your parenting of her to your parents and you - you are all different people. It may be that she actually doesn't have what it takes mentally to be a sports person as an adult - and she just isn't being honest with herself about that.

Try to separate her attainment in sport from the wider point of her wasting her life/ opportunities - you might be overfocusing on the sport.

People like Tim Henman/ David Beckham - their parents gave up their life for them, pushed them hour upon hour - if you aren't prepared to be that pushy or she is going to be miserable if you are - then let it go!

I have to say I also agree with other posters that you may be missing the wood for the trees - she is a good teenager, open with you - (read some of the threads about teenagers who treat their parents like dirt or make their lives hell) - she isn't taking drugs, going wild - she is doing fine. What's wrong with that?

Most people don't excel at sport just beacuse they enjoy it as teens - she will find her way - you have offered help, it is also up to her if she isn't that into it and lacks the drive then she won't succeed anyway so why not stop worrying about it.

Actually I understand you totally. You see so much potential and total disinfect from her. Th fact is, her disinterest means the potential is not there, because potential is mor than simple ability, it’s also desire, motivation, hunger, and she doesn’t have that.

Let her be, she will be who she is, it might not be what you envisaged, br she’s the right to be respected for her.

She might be saying it's what she wants, but her behaviour suggests otherwise doesn't it? When she finds something she really wants, she'll find the motivation to do it.

The combination of talent and will/tenacity to succeed is what is so rare and makes success. Not everyone can have either. Hardly anyone has both.
Your DD sounds like she has the talent but not the mindset to be the best - that’s ok.
I guess all you can do is talk to her about it and understand. To be honest the most outstanding sports people I’ve known are so single minded about it that it comes with it’s own problems. Maybe she’s got more sense of balance and is more well-rounded?

Maybe her thing is going to be something else. She's 15 and hasn't had much chance to try anything than school or traditional sports.

@youaintseenbadboyz2 I can so relate to your post! My DD also is extremely talented at sports and I see her friends getting into teams which she would have easily got into- she also spends most of her time on her phone and watching tv. It is frustrating because they could easily be part of something really positive and give them great confidence for their future (training with a group, socially etc) but they choose not to. I don’t know the answer- do we keep pushing while we can or totally act like we don’t care or subtly make positive comments when the opportunity arises ? It’s very draining to keep pushing but is that what we are meant to do when our child clearly has talent? I will be watching this post!!!

@Shell449 I hope we get some words of wisdom too! I agree with others that she may not have found her thing yet, but what’s tough is she says it’s what she wants to do but isn’t motivated enough to put the work in that it needs. The last thing I want to do is push her so I’m not going to go on at her about what she needs to do as she’s old enough and capable enough to know. Its up to her but it’s heart breaking and I would hate for her to look back and ask me why I didn’t do more

The combination of talent and will/tenacity to succeed is what is so rare and makes success. Not everyone can have either. Hardly anyone has both.
Your DD sounds like she has the talent but not the mindset to be the best - that’s ok

This.

I have one child who has had both the talent and drive- they are succeeding and competing at an elite level. Fwiw it’s not an easy path, there are lots of politics around funding and team selection, and it doesn’t always seem to be the ones winning comps that get the attention.

The other child has the talent- possibly slightly more so than the first child, but just doesn’t want it. Likes to stay in their comfort zone and not push themselves. Risk averse so not into trying new things. Which is fine. They now do a team sport at a social level, fun comps, trips away. Much more relaxed and less stressful from a parent pov!

Unless your dd’s particular talent is an early start sport like gymnastics where it can be difficult to get back up to elite speed after 15 mainly due to the club and competition structure, she still has plenty of time as most don’t peak until late teens early 20’s. Keep her in it, let her take her own path. She’ll either realise and get back on it, or she’ll find something else. There are sports you can take up later and still be successful, she may do that.

@youaintseenbadboyz2 Yes same my DD lacks motivation and is quite negative- but she says she wants to do sports, exercise etc but will never initiate it herself. I have to word things very “matter of fact” to her and she is more receptive though I often forget this!!

she says it’s what she wants to do but isn’t motivated enough to put the work in that it needs

Unfortunately this is the difference between those kids who succeed at sport, and those who don't. She has innate ability, but that won't help to succeed at a high level. I think you have to accept that she'll probably find something quite different to do with her life . Maybe she'll just do this sport as a hobby like most people do. You're doing all the right things from your end, but if she doesn't want to put in the effort she isn't going to reach the top.

She's 15.

Going far in sport is a combination of talent, being passionate about it, determination, almost to the point of obsession, massive hours work keeping at it so huge almost need to do more work more win, ability to see failures as opportunities to learn and improve, huge ambition competitive drive.

Devotion, missing out on other things...

Talent isn't enough.

She doesn't want to do it.
She's 15.
Has she dropped the clubs, team, training etc I'm guessing she was involved in? Competitions meets etc?
It's such an all in, tough life. Impossible unless really really want it.

Mark Manson wrote a great article about this - basically we're all bad at knowing what we really want because if we really wanted it we would enjoy the process and not just the result. The example he gave was loads of kids would love to play live at Wembley to a capacity crowd but no kid wants to do their guitar practice/ sit and pick out melodies . I think the comments above about potential being partly motivation and drive to practice and get better are spot on. I would just let her be and then when she gets to Uni she may pick up again. I did very little in my mid to late teens and then when I got to Uni and the sports teams looked really fun I started playing again.

I get you though- I worry that my kids will regret missed opportunities.

More important imv (because I did no hobbies as a teen - not many did in those days) is being able to play a sport, be fit enough to join in with others. When I was a young adult abroad everyone would go off for a game of tennis/ squash / swim, the first two I couldn't do and the last was crap at.
Thankfully my DCs all took up sport and got good enough to pay in local teams and the socialising that came with that.
The other thing is to visit unis if you get the chance and let her see young people using the great amenities.
I doubt you can persuade her to do the required hard work if she doesn't want to.

Thing is that hot housing is not great.
Not facilitating the extras when children are keen is not great.

DH was a pretty good swimmer at school.
Involving up at 6 for session before school, after school stuff, most weekends meets etc.

But you know. He didn't have the drive. He isn't a competitive person.

Got to 16/18. Ditched swimming and rugby (also good). Way more interested going out, having fun, going clubs, trying (pretty unsuccessfully) to get off with girls.

My brother v talented arts. Scholarships, years of wow, masters from top uni for art. Many opportunities could have taken and didn't.

He loves painting.
He has no interest in monetising it, getting recognition etc.

There's a balance between giving push when needed and supporting,
And flogging a dead horse.

Sorry OP.

Sounds like she's a normal teenager who is happy school friends and no trouble.

That's great. Focus on that. Not what she could be, which very few get to be even if talented driven etc.

In the end a happy young woman with good opportunities etc, is brilliant. Focusing on what she could (might, maybe) be if only... It's giving her message that is all important despite other good stuff.

Having sport prowess as a v loved leisure thing when older, is a wonderful thing to have.

Apart from a few glamour sports where there is serious money for women - tennis and golf spring to mind - the ultimate pay off for sporting success is clapped out knees and precious little glory when retired at say 35. In the meantime, everything else has been subjugated to the sport - things like having a partner, having a family, getting a qualification for some more lasting vocation etc. She is not buying into that and that is a perfectly valid choice.

Another thought sorry.

When you talk about her talent, ability to be great.

She's 15.
She's been competing for a fair old while?
Moving up through levels of competition? Local to regional whatever it is for the sport she's talented at?

Those who get to be great, bar a handful, have been rising through the levels at 15. Known in the sport as a talent. V probably spotted as big potential and being brought on, if that's the right phrase.

Is that where you're at?
Because generally that's the way it goes. If by great you mean elite, international competition, top flight events, earning enough to do full time.

Is that situation? If not then if not passionate, not sure why you feel a waste etc.

"We were both pushed as children and are determined not to do that to her."

My guess would be that you've unconsciously learned this pattern, and that's part of what's exhausting you - deep down you deeply want to push her but you're fighting it. You can see it in the way you write here.

Even if she does look back and regret it, so what? Doesn't everyone have at least regret? Doesn't everyone think "if only..." at least a few times?

It's only a problem if someone becomes bitter and fixated - usually it's a way of learning not to miss the next chance instead.

You can't protect her from everything. She's making her own choices and being her own person. Meanwhile she leads an immensely privileged, well-educated and indulged life, with parents who love her and make the the centre of things. She'll do fine!

So stop! Stop exhausting yourself. Stop making it a confrontation in your mind. Learn some mindfulness techniques about letting go of difficult thoughts, and realise that you can't control her or this - you'll be much happier and then when she does look back, she won't remember an anxious, stressed mum all the time either!

*We were both pushed as children and are determined not to do that to her. So this really isn’t about us expecting something or living through her. It’s objectively looking at what she could achieve, listen to her say it’s what she wants, hear so many people encourage her but watch her do nothing about it.

Do we just let her mess up this chance she has? Should we expect more? I’m so lost abs frankly exhausted trying to navigate this. I hate confrontation so never argue or Moab at her but it’s getting me down*

There you are, you have chosen (perhaps unconsciously) this path. You haven't pushed her and she has chosen like 90% of the population not to push herself. What did you expect ?

I really sympathise with you. As parents we just want what's best for our children and it must be so hard to sit back and watch them carve their own path of it's not one we would choose for them. A few years ago I had a boy in my form (secondary teacher) who was in a football academy for a premier league team. He was so good that the team had negotiated for him to be released from school one day a week for training etc. Thing is he just couldn't get his behaviour right and the school wouldn't let him go. I remember going on Rightmove with him and showing him the kinds of houses he could afford if he became a footballer, I tried all sorts. He didn't want it enough to stop messing around, and there were probably 30 other kids who were also in the academy doing everything they could to get noticed. It was his decision and the academy eventually dropped him. Imagine being his parents.

If she's going to 'make it' in this sport the desire to do it will already be inside her. There is absolutely nothing you can do but step back and give her the space to find it. If she doesn't want to put in the hours she won't end up doing this professionally, and that is absolutely fine. She sounds like a good girl who has the world at her feet anyway. X