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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Ds refusing to had weed over what do I do?

27 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 07/12/2021 19:06

His bedroom stinks of weed plus spray and he's come in and is upstairs with his gf. I e asked him to hand it over as do not want drugs in my house he says he doesn't have any but tried to tackle dh when he went to get his bag. What do I do? I'm so upset and fed up with him using this house as hotel. I don't even like him any more he's not the same boy I've raised 😔. It seems to be constant and I think his gf must be paying for it.

OP posts:

Hamjamwich · 07/12/2021 19:31

How old is he?

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 07/12/2021 19:37

He is 17. I've asked him to hand it over or leave. He's already high by the look of it. He comes back here to eat his munchies and to sleep or have sex with his gf. I don't want it here. I have another child here and am looking at seeing up a child minding business but everything is in hold because of him. He lies constantly and always saying how shit we are as parents. It's draining.

OP posts:

Thefuturestory · 07/12/2021 19:40

What would him leaving look like though?
Would another family member take him in, his girlfriends parents ( where are they in all this) or would he end up in supported accommodation like a foyer.

What does he do? College? What does she do?

LuluBlakey1 · 07/12/2021 19:40

Call the police and when they arrive then ask him to leave right then. Don't have him back.

RunRunGingerbreadMan · 07/12/2021 19:41

I think you need to report him to the police, which must be really tough, but you need to protect your other child too.

Hamjamwich · 07/12/2021 19:46

Have you always had a no girlfriends in the house / bedroom rule? Is he blatantly breaking the rule?
Unfortunately I would be giving my son an ultimatum if this was happening. There is no chance of you being able to run a childminding business if he's behaving like this. I would tell him he needs to rent a flat with her or you will no longer pay for things for him (if that's the case?) Phone contract etc? and let him know you will go to the police.

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 07/12/2021 19:58

I've allowed him and gf to come back here not to stay Iver but to watch TV and do whatever. But since I've found weed in his bag and him coming home high previously , I have said I do not want his disrespecting my house or the people in it by being aggressive or by bringing drugs into my house. I've also told him the other day I do not want him coming back for his post high muchies and sleep. He tells me he can't stand living here, that we do nothing for him. He doesn't eat here(his choice), he doesn't help out at home he just comes and goes. He generally does come bakc in time but I've taken his key off him. I don't trust him. I can smell weed and he's obviously high so I do not want him here. I've not kicked him out I've asked him to hand over the weed or leave. He's leaving. I've told him the door will be locked at 10.30 and after which he will have to sleep in the porch. I honestly feel like he's a complete stranger to me

OP posts:

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 07/12/2021 20:03

It's not so much the sex with his gf but the drugs and disrespect for us. He hates us and can't stand us but happy to use it as hotel or tell me what he wants for Christmas. His attitude is unreal. When I said to write a list but don't expect everything he basically said he's not staying here for Christmas. He just uses people and when he's doesn't get what he wants he tries to punish us. I won't be surprised if he doesn't come back tonight to scare me but what am I to do can't be blackmailed like this all the time.

OP posts:

Thefuturestory · 07/12/2021 21:03

You haven’t answered what he’s doing in the day and what his girlfriend and what her parents are like.

If you kick him out then he’ll be in a slippery slope downwards.

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 07/12/2021 21:45

I haven't kicked him out I've asked them to leave. I don't want drugs in my house ive already told him that. They think they can get high, come back here and eat muchies, sleep, shag and make a mess in his room. There is no respect there. No interaction with us. He's at college 3 days a week, 3 hours a day. He has been going so far after a few blips. College refund bus money into their accounts which he took and spent but lied about so now I have to make sure they pay into my account each week. Her parents don't really make the effort with us. I think ds has painted us in a bad picture. However we are the ones who have dropped her back numerous times, picked her up when she was ill and took her home. They gave my 16 ds alcohol and let him walk home at 12pm when he was supposed to be back by 10pm. I'm not sure how they would feel about the weed though hence why I don't want them here. I think she gets a lot of pocket money and seems to be obsessed with ds and is probably paying for his highs and munchies.

OP posts:

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 07/12/2021 21:48

I fee like he's getting high more regularly and the fact he's now blatantly coming back high with drugs feels like he thinks we will ignore it and accept it. And I won't.

OP posts:

MissyB1 · 07/12/2021 21:53

Tell him that if he is willing to kick the cannabis you will support him. But if he wants to carry on taking drugs and disrespecting your rules then he needs to find somewhere else to live. You aren’t “kicking him out” you are offering him a choice.

missminimum · 07/12/2021 23:09

Asking him to leave will feel to him that you are kicking him out. He will be vulnerable to more risky behaviours and could follow the wrong path. His behaviour is unacceptable and he is exposing his sibling to issues that they should not have to experience. Are there any other adults that would talk to him or offer him a safecplace to stay temporarily to give you all space. His college or local PCSO may be able to support you, as you need to have help to manage this situation. This could be a key time to get the help you need to avoid him risking his future, without your support/involvement, he may turn to others who have a less positive influence. What does he do with his time when not at home or college, who is he with? Where is he getting the money to buy drugs and alcohol, fund his social life? He is trying adult activities when he is still, only just, a child.You may be able to get support in place now that may not be available when he is 18. He feels grown up but does not have the maturity to understand the impact of his actions. Is there something happening in his life outside the home that is behind all of this? I am not sure what the solution is, but you need to seek some support in how to manage this, as you will not feel any better by him leaving. If you are giving him money only do so on the condition he does not bring weed into thevhome, that he treats you with respect, that he takes responsibility for helping in the home in return for a roof over his head, being fed etc. I hope things improve for you, as his current behaviour sounds intolerable

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 08/12/2021 08:19

He came back as I asked them to leave. Told him I would be locking the door at 10.30pm so if he was coming back he needed to before then. I would never kick him out, I just didn't want them smoking weed and then thinking they could come back here to to chill and bring it in my house. I've had the pcso here, social worker and recently youth worker who was useless. He has to consent to everything so I cannot get any support for him or us! I have tried everything and I mean everything. I warned him about bringing it into my house so had to follow through. He's not looking after himself at all and his gf isn't helping by funding him.

OP posts:

MinnieJackson · 08/12/2021 09:03

Was he back by 10.30?

Suchaworrywart · 08/12/2021 11:29

it’s tough @Meltinthemiddle

I’m in a similar situation. Have repeatedly said to stop with the pot, stop bringing it in our home, stop eating a multipack of crisps when you have the munchies, show some respect. I feel I’ve lost our little boy. I’m just hoping if we hang on in there he will come back to us.

It’s alright pp saying ‘kick them out’ but the reality for us is that DS (ASD/ADHD) is very easily influenced and it’s worrying enough without wondering where he’s going to sleep/eat/get to college or whatever. He literally cannot function in the world without some sort of guidance & can’t manage money so I have no doubt he would end up one of the many homeless. The stress is awful.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 11:40

Tell him until he respects the boundaries you put in place she's not welcome in your home.

Make it very clear the next time he brings drugs into your home you're calling the police.

LemonSwan · 08/12/2021 12:08

Hes 17. I would sit him down and have a serious conversation adult to adult.

Say you understand hes in this late teen stage and whilst you dont agree with it, its obvious hes not going to stop completely right now. Its like telling someone whos discovered fine wine/ gin/ whisky for the first time (or whatever your tipple of choice) that they can never drink it again - that just spirals some people into consuming as much as possible while they can IYSWIM - most teens smoke weed with no ill effect and he will look around see that and ignore you. Its the quantity and frequency that can cause serious problems; which I did end up having by my late 20s with a psychotic break (triggered by quite a traumatic incident but I am sure the weed made me more susceptible)

The dutch have some of the lowest levels of weed smoking in europe and going to their cafes was a real eye opener. They have info on what reasonable levels of smoking vs addiction is. Its really frowned upon to be super stoned or walking about stoned. Its how we view drunks at the bar and its not tolerated. You will not be served after a certain point.

Tell him that being said...

you dont want it in the house because not only is it disrepsectful but you would like to open a business in the house; he is holding you back.
dont smoke more than twice a week. If you were drinking everyday you would have a problem, smoking everyday is also a problem.

(and I know the above is controversial but the only drug requests I ever listened to from my parents were what I thought to be reasonable quantified requests - ie. after many drug arguments in my late teens - my dad told me early 20s never to do acid more than 3 times in your life; and I never did it once. I thought it was a reasonable request and thought I would 'save' it and then never bothered.)

And I say all the above as a previous weed addict for a decade and a half. If I had grown up in Amsterdam I dont think it would have happened, and if my parents hadn't been so overzealous with the zero tolerance anti-weed then I feel I would have had more workable boundaries to try to stick too in my teens and wouldn't have developed the addiction problems I did.

Goodluck

EmpressCixi · 08/12/2021 12:15

Surely getting him into a rehab centre would be a better parental move than making him homeless and sleeping on the streets in winter?

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 08/12/2021 18:29

Hi thank you for the advice everyone. Some great advice Lemon I will definitely take it on board and Suchaworry sorry you are going through the same. My ds also has sen and is more easily influenced. Cam I just repeat I never kicked him out. I don't him weeks ago that if he would always have a bed here but if he was disrespectful by bringing drugs into my house, being violent or verbally abusive then I would ask him to leave or call the police to remove him if he refuses. I have also said if I find them I will flush them down the toilet. I hate drugs and everything it stands for and do not want his drug taking blatantly in my face. He's been stoned a few times now more then the odd occasion and it's worrying.

OP posts:

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 08/12/2021 18:50

Yes he did come back at 10.30 actually just before. I told when he left if he was coming back I'm locking the door at 10.30 after he's been taking the piss coming home later each time. I am reasonable but there comes a point when they push things too much.

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 08/12/2021 19:32

Do whatever you can to get him into rehab. do whatever you can to get him away from whoever is supplying the drugs.

NeedsCharging · 08/12/2021 19:37

Do whatever you can to get him into rehab. do whatever you can to get him away from whoever is supplying the drugs.

Unless you have £1000s to pay for private rehab there is no way a rehab unit will take a 17 yo who smokes weed!

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 08/12/2021 20:00

I've done everything I could possibly could at this point but due to his age he has to consent to things! If he wanted the help I would pay for it.

OP posts:

NeedsCharging · 08/12/2021 20:04

Of course you have Melt teenagers can be difficult.
I dont think smoking weed is the end of the world my own teen DSs went through this phase.
I wouldn't allow it to be smoked in the house or garden and I didn't fund it.
If DS was disrespectful then the Internet password was changed and any extras I paid for such as the mobile was cancelled.
It's not easy

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