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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What can school / me actually do about school refusal?

46 replies

megletthesecond · 02/12/2021 14:00

13yr old DD is starting to refuse school full stop. Two days this week she hasn't leave the house. I can't physically drag here there. She does, and will, hurt me.

Her secondary knew she would struggle when she started year 7 but there is only sporadic support from them. She has a pass to let her speak to someone in the pastoral care unit if she is struggling but she is too scared to ask a teacher to go there. No issues with bullying or anything dodgy.

She's at home today reading and making bread. No TV or tech. Excellent parents evening yesterday (quiet, v.bright)). I have no idea where to turn, CAMHS have turned her down twice and evening the lead from my parenting group hasn't been able to get the school to sort anything out.

Sorry this is quick, I need to dash out shortly.

OP posts:
HumbugWhale · 02/12/2021 14:04

I would ask school about a part time time table to try and get her attending until the end of term, even if just for a couple a hours per day/favourite subjects/core subjects only or whatever. Then build up gradually after the holidays.

fedup2017 · 02/12/2021 14:07

Just been through a period like this with 14 yr old ds.
Things that helped:
Being patient. Taking him to speak to a Gp.
Acknowledging his feelings but also lots of chatting about the disadvantages about him not going.
Carrot rather than stick. ( if you go to school today we will do something nice after school)
Also talking about his rational vs his irrational "chimp" brain and some very basic CBT tyoe stuff in workbooks.

Things that didnt work:
Shouting and losing my shit
Trying to force him.into car
Punishments like " you cant go to sports training if you dont go to school"... just ended up isolating him further.

Good luck and solidarity. Its shit.

Original poster
megletthesecond · 02/12/2021 16:02

Thank you both. The part time time table is certainly an idea. And yes to carrot not sticks.

OP posts:
timetimetickingonme · 02/12/2021 16:25

In terms of the pass, can you let school know she is struggling to ask and see if they have any solutions? Isn’t the point of a pass so they don’t have to ask, just put hand up and show the pass? Does she need to them be collected or can she just leave and go to pastoral care?

Solidarity, it’s so hard.

sallywinter · 02/12/2021 16:27

If you google “emotionally based school avoidance” you’ll find lots of helpful resources

schools.westsussex.gov.uk/Page/10483 This is particularly good.

Original poster
megletthesecond · 02/12/2021 20:44

Thanks sally. I'll go through that link.

time I will get school to clarify how the pass works. DD desperately wanted it and now she's worried about actually using it.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 02/12/2021 20:59

My son has a pass. It states he can leave at any point and isn't to be questioned on his reasons.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 02/12/2021 21:13

Dd is going in an hour a day atm. The idea is that it increases gradually but that’s not on the cards atm.

timetimetickingonme · 02/12/2021 22:13

Definitely tell school she’s worried about using it. They may be able to reassure her or even put something in place like she can hold it up and then go without needing to speak. If you can get in to meet someone in pastoral alongside your DD and hear what they tell her that could help?

It’s a lonely time when your child is struggling so badly, and very draining so just wanted to say you’re not alone.

I don’t know the nature of your DD’s difficulties but I wonder if there are any charities you could approach for support?

BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 02/12/2021 22:42

Take away all her things from her room.

As an adult, it won’t be optional for her to go to work.

Has she said why she doesn’t want to go to school?

Imitatingdory · 03/12/2021 17:21

Take away all her things from her room.

Yes, because that’s obviously going to solve OP’s DD’s MH difficulties. Hmm

If DD cannot attend school the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative education. In addition to this, have you applied for an EHCP? IPSEA have a model letter you can use. Unless they are short term aimed at reintegration part time timetables are illegal, whether or not you agree.

Have you spoken with to the SENCO? Follow up all verbal conversations with the school with emails so you have a paper trail you can use as evidence should you need it at a later date.

BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 03/12/2021 17:39

Where had the OP stated that the DD has mental health problems??

Imitatingdory · 03/12/2021 17:53

You can infer that since OP’s DD has been referred to CAMHS twice, who are so stretched the threshold is so high many referrals are rejected. OP’s use of “scared” and “worried” backs this up.

Emotionally based school avoidance is down to emotional difficulties, often rooted in anxiety.

Original poster
megletthesecond · 03/12/2021 18:55

imitating everything is on email. Some days they've had two before 9am Blush.

bluebell count yourself lucky you don't have a school avoiding violent child. She only has a few books left as she's ripped most of them up. Not much left to remove.

OP posts:
memememe · 03/12/2021 19:40

@BluebelllsRosesDaffodills

Take away all her things from her room.

As an adult, it won’t be optional for her to go to work.

Has she said why she doesn’t want to go to school?

Haha! Yes it will be optional for her to not go to work. Or more likely she'll find a job she enjoys enough to go to. You can't compare.

Op, my son is the same. A reduced timetable is the way to go. Speak to the school and put more in place to help her feel happy. And keep pushing camhs.

BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 03/12/2021 21:09

mememe-

It’s not optional to work anymore- the job centre make you jobseek for your benefits.

Your very naive if you think everyone will find a job that they ‘enjoy’, especially those without much education like the OP’s DD. Most of us dislike work to some degree, but we have no choice.

BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 03/12/2021 21:29

Take away clothes/ shoes apart from bare minimum. Don’t have any treat food in the house.

Take all technology.

mineofuselessinformation · 03/12/2021 21:40

Get over yourself @BluebelllsRosesDaffodills. It's very obvious you've never been in the situation of OP, and many others of us here. You have no clue what it can be like. If you do, please enlighten us all.
@megletthesecond, have you contacted the school recently? Please do to reinforce that DD is allowed to leave a class if she feels she needs to. If she experiences any problems let the school know and they should sort it out. Keep telling her that, that she has a way to leave if she needs to, but she needs to use it, and that teachers won't question her. It might just be the key to her being more comfortable with going. Even if she spends the whole day somewhere else but is still attempting the work, that is a better place to be than being at home and not doing any schoolwork.

HumbugWhale · 03/12/2021 22:49

I had another thought earlier...do you know what it is about school that's causing the problems. A girl in my tutor group a few years ago was refusing school. It turned out that she was ok with actual lessons but couldn't tolerate the busy corridors, lunch hall etc.
We arranged for her to leave lessons 5 mins early to move between lessons when it was quiet and also sorted out a quiet space for her to eat her lunch and she was much happier to attend. These were easy things for school to put in place that made a massive difference.

Blahtastic · 04/12/2021 21:14

This is my son. Currently can't get him to attend at all. His avoidance is rooted in anxiety but we (family and school) suspect autism/ADHD. Consistently rejected by CAMHS so I've just paid to have a private assessment, result awaited. Consider sensory issues, executive function, processing speed, possible dyslexia/dysgraphia etc? Our school had offered a pass card, tried him with a teaching assistant, offered a laptop so he didn't have to write, but DS rejected all support. When present at school he sits with his head on the desk, coat on and hood up, he wants to be invisible. He is in a heightened level of stress so is constantly in fight or flight mode. His brain can't engage as he is shut down, he is not able to learn. We have yet to get to the bottom of everything but these are issues we have come across, does any of this sound familiar? She could be masking in school.

You need to maintain your connection with her so she feels safe and able to talk to you. I wouldn't recommend punishments and consequences. Routine yes, and limits on screen time, but not removing things that she enjoys (or needs) because she hasn't 'performed'. Behaviour is communication, you just need to get to the bottom of what your daughter is trying to communicate, she might not know how verbalise how she feels. Our SENDIASS team also recommended a short term reduced timetable to help ease the return to school. Good luck.

Original poster
megletthesecond · 05/12/2021 13:06

Thanks all. It's really helpful.
Starting to work on the plans for the week. I really want DD in schools so she doesn't get behind at the end of term and I need to catch up at work, I had to take 2 days off last week to help her. She breaks up on the 17th which seems to be cheering her up.

OP posts:
somewhereoverthechipshop · 05/12/2021 22:15

I’m going through this at the moment. As others have said, staying calm is important, as I have learned to my detriment. Ranting and raving doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference. Keep telling the school you need help and keep communication open. I wish you good luck it’s so tough.

tetrisgal · 08/12/2021 22:40

@megletthesecond it's so tough. We're only just starting to go through this with DS15 and we're exhausted already.

He has depression/anxiety which he's getting help with privately, but he also needs to help himself by using the strategies given. At the moment he hasn't realized someone else can't "fix" him while he stays passive.

The school are helpful on the days he refuses but I'm foreseeing someone will point the finger at us soon.

My question is: what happens if they do?
What good will fining us or giving us parenting lessons do? We already encourage him and point out the consequences for him of missing school, but how can we get a strong, nearly 6ft young man to go to school on his bad days? Getting physical is not going to help anyone and he's too old for punishments.

I'm out of ideas but welcome any from here Smile

Imitatingdory · 08/12/2021 23:25

tetrisgal if DS cannot attend due to his mental health the LA have a statutory duty to provide education to those unable to attend school. Provision should begin when it becomes clear a pupil will miss 15 days, for ongoing conditions the days do not have to be consecutive. If DS is unable to attend school due to his health you will not be fined, even if the school try to frighten you.

Have you thought about applying for an EHCP?

You mention DS ”needs to help himself by using the strategies” but are you sure it is he won’t use the strategies rather than can’t and needs additional help to be able to generalise them in everyday life?

Rockbird · 08/12/2021 23:32

Just joining for solidarity. We're going through this with DD1, Y9. She's currently on a reduced timetable and seeing a therapist outside school. She has suspected ASD but we're at a standstill with that. I'd take 20 newborns crying all night over this, it's heartbreaking watching your bright, funny child reduced to shaking and sobbing at the thought of doing the most normal things.