What can school / me actually do about school refusal?

[megletthesecond]

13yr old DD is starting to refuse school full stop. Two days this week she hasn't leave the house. I can't physically drag here there. She does, and will, hurt me.

Her secondary knew she would struggle when she started year 7 but there is only sporadic support from them. She has a pass to let her speak to someone in the pastoral care unit if she is struggling but she is too scared to ask a teacher to go there. No issues with bullying or anything dodgy.

She's at home today reading and making bread. No TV or tech. Excellent parents evening yesterday (quiet, v.bright)). I have no idea where to turn, CAMHS have turned her down twice and evening the lead from my parenting group hasn't been able to get the school to sort anything out.

Sorry this is quick, I need to dash out shortly.

Rockbird Unless the part time timetable is short term aimed at reintegration it is unlawful, whether or not you agree to it. The LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative education if she cannot attend. Have you applied for an EHCP?

@BluebelllsRosesDaffodills

Take away clothes/ shoes apart from bare minimum. Don’t have any treat food in the house.

Take all technology.

Yes, I think treating them like a high security prisoner is a really good way of dealing with mental health issues in teenagers.

@BluebelllsRosesDaffodills

mememe-

It’s not optional to work anymore- the job centre make you jobseek for your benefits.

Your very naive if you think everyone will find a job that they ‘enjoy’, especially those without much education like the OP’s DD. Most of us dislike work to some degree, but we have no choice.

Not true bluebells. If someone has significant mental health difficulties they may well be assessed as having LCWRA (limited capability for work and work related activity) and not be required to work at all.

@Imitatingdory thank you for replying, that's very helpful information. We are only a few months into this issue so I don't know much about it all. I will mention an EHCP the next time I speak to school.

GP has finally agreed to do a CAHMS referral but I know this will take ages.

You may be right that he can't use the strategies. At the moment his main strategy is avoidance, but his psychologist is working with him on realising this won't help him move forward. He refused to see her yesterday though which was a shame.

@Imitatingdory thanks yes it is aimed at reintegration. First half of the autumn term she barely attended at all despite us trying everything we could think of. School weren't great. Since half term she's been on reduced hours which they're increasing. It was working up to a point but since last week we're back to square one. ECHP hasn't been mentioned, will look into that.

I have a DD the same age, OP. She has been in for most of the term but some days we've had to force her in, and she has become increasingy violent in her reaction, so we've decided not to do that any more. But she hasn't been in at all this week.

I'm glad people are saying to use carrot not stick approaches, that's my natural inclination. School have at least been good - great, even. She has had counselling and I'm thinking about asking for more and perhaps a review of whether might be in a high enough tier for CAHMS.

How are things @megletthesecond ?

DD in school every day so far this week. Not in all her lessons but is using the systems at school when she needs to.

On the CAMHS point, they are very slow and overwhelmed with referrals from what I can make out. Is there a lower tier service in your area to refer in to at all? Keep on asking, keep calling. If things are getting worse ie she’s now not in school then they need to know so go back to GP, or call them direct if she’s open to anyone at all.

It’s really exhausting. I’m losing count of the number of calls I’ve made about my DC now but support is finally starting to come in, v v slowly.

tetris more often than not it is can’t rather than won’t.

tetrisgal Rockbird ElftonWednesday you should all apply for an EHCP. You can make the application yourself, IPSEA have a model letter you can use. Many schools and LAs often incorrectly tell parents their DC won’t get an EHCP or doesn’t need one but when parents apply anyway they are successful.

The threshold for an EHCNA is relatively low - a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need SEN provision to be made via an EHCP. If DC cannot attend school full time because of their mental health difficulties they meet this threshold.

In addition, push for medical needs tuition.

IPSEA and SOSSEN both helpful.

This fell off my threads.

time DD was ok-ish last week but needed a PCR weds / thurs so missed 2 days

She went in today and had a meltdown on the way home. I said I'd call the police as she kept hitting me so she called the police and threw the phone at me. I spoke to them but I don't think they're coming round. We have a family support worker starting in the new year which might help, possibly.

Hi, I wondered how things are going with your daughter? My daughter is 12, just started high school last year and also not really been going since November. For her a fall out with her friends seemed to turn her whole world upside down. Even tho they made up within days, things have not returned to how they were. She is also violent with me and angers very quickly at little things. Hope things have improved for you, it is a horrible time.

Just wondered how your child is getting on and if there is any improvement? We’ve just started having this trouble with my child in y7. Back to school tomorrow and she’s been down this evening telling me about her loose bowels - and so it starts. I dread it - as others said it’s so horrible watching them suffer and you being so helpless. It’s definitely just school
for her which is so confusing. She’s doing well, has nice friends, and has no other issues outside of school that could be causing this

An update. DD has managed school for a few weeks now after a horrific winter term of school refusal, violence and self harm. Not because she especially likes school but it's mostly to get the risk of social services off of us. She's on an eternal CAMHS waiting list now.
The family airport worker wasn't that great tbh. It was more their ominous warnings of social services that made my blood run cold and made me do everything to keep DD in school. It was made clear there was no immediate help but there would be more pressure if she continued to be violent and miss school.

We had a social worker due to dc being violent and refusing school , it was a really positive thing actually. Suddenly dc had a CAMHS appointment that week(after being turned down for one multiple times) and we got so much more support from school. The ADOS assessment date suddenly turned up after being told it was an 18 month old waiting list too which I think was social work involvement! It was terrifying at the time, but the SW was so kind and quickly let us know they wanted to work with us and not to worry about dc being removed.
Much love to you , I know how awful it is

Could you contact your local éducation welfare officier, ewo,
. Ours was helpful when dd refused school for 6 weeks.

@BluebelllsRosesDaffodills

If you Dont have anything constructive to
Say dont bother and please leave the thread. Your technique is Victorian and pointless.

My dd avoided school some days due to her phobia and anxiety. I got her in most days with encouragement and help from a therapist. She had 16 weekly sessions. I paid as I could afford not to help her. I gave her 3 mental health days a term that she could Call anytime and that was better than the random days and her attendance ended up higher as she knew she had the option to choose a mental health day. She is now just taken GCSEs with No trauma and is looking forward to sixth form.

when DD has started to use her time out card in class which helps. She was too scared to use it for months but she's built up the courage to leave lessons when she is struggling now. Better that than miss the whole day.

This is a terrible thing to go through, until you have experianced it you have no idea. Alot of parents end up at absolute breaking point having exhausted all avenues and through severe lack of help and understanding. No parent wants their child out of school and the students suffering with this cruel affliction feel embarassed and ashamed as to why they are finding school so difficult. Often the problem is down to a panic or anxiety disorder, its hard for young people to express in words what their symptons are, or to recognise that it is panic and anxiety and they are not in fact losing their mind which was my worst fear when l first experianced panic attacks and the horrendous symptons that accompanies them in my early twenties.
l would reccomend Not Fine In School website.
Panic End Website, also a book you can buy from Amazon called Dare, author suffered himself from anxiety and panic. Lots of info on google and Youtube.
My son who was 13 at the time is now home schooled, we had to get something else in place as he was missing so much education, and it has worked out well, his anxiety levels went down once we had something else lined up, He did well in his exams, now 17, studying for A levels and working part time, he works on his mental health everyday, sleep, diet , exercise, being mindful of negative thought patterns, CAHMS told us that most older teenagers are able to manage anxiety and panic better, its just so incredibly difficult getting to that stage though.

Exactly @Moonface123

No t sure if dd has matured or it's the techniques she has learnt or a combo but what ever it is age 16 has been easier to an 14/15 for sure.

Is there any possibility of home schooling, if she refuses school? Does she realise that she will need her exams to either go onto further education or get a job? Can she join an online school?

Don’t deregister and EHE. Parents often find it easier to get support when DC is on a school’s roll even if they aren’t attending (at all or not full time). If you EHE the LA are likely to say you are making suitable alternative arrangements. Crudely, if DC is on a school’s roll you are someone’s problem and it is harder for them to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet.

If DC cannot attend full time the LA must provide alternative arrangements. And by applying for an EHCNA it is possible to secure assessments (including a psychiatrist &/or a clinical psychologist assessment) that will help you understand DC’s needs better and provision including therapies without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists.

I was the school refusing teen.
Just coming to say you have my sympathies, it's difficult for all involved.
My parents did all the suggested above, took all my clothes except uniform, all items from room etc.
Made no difference whatsoever as I wasn't refusing to annoy then or for attention, I just really really couldn't cope with it.
I would second the people saying patience, understanding etc.

Also just for record, once I left school I worked full time and was able to participate and succeed. I have a degree, have travelled alot, lived a full life. What is happening now is not a glimpse of the future for you or your child, this too will pass.