What to do when teen walks out?

[TomAllenWife]

He's 16
Came into my bedroom at 10.30 asking if he could go to a party (other side of the city, shitty area)
Obvs I said no

So he got changed and left!!!
I've told him he needs to get home, he says he's going out

WTAF!!!!!!!

What do you do?

ground him

How do you ground a 16 year old who will just walk out of the house whenever they feel like it? You can’t lock them in their room (unfortunately). I wish I knew the answer OP, I have a 16 year old DD and I’m finding this stage of parenting the absolute toughest so far.

Where does he get his money from?

From experience, I would now agree to them going in exchange for address of party and promise that they’ll call to be picked up.
Yes, it’s a PITA but open lines of communication are better than the alternatives.

His friends are paying for an Uber
He doesn't have any money because he's too lazy to work and I give him £15 for food at college every day

@TomAllenWife

His friends are paying for an Uber He doesn't have any money because he's too lazy to work and I give him £15 for food at college every day

£15 is too much.

£15 per day? Is that for travel as well?

You meant £15 a week didn't you? Please you must have?

You could give him 1/3 of that for lunch and he’d still have change. He’s got money.

£15 a week you crazies
Anything more he has to take his own lunch like I do every bloody day

The teenage years are by far the toughest.
They think they’re adults and can do what they like, the minute you say no they don’t like it and rebel. It’s like a toddler having a tantrum but they’re too big to go on the naughty step.
So parties - I would drop mine off and collect if necessary or arrange with another parent. I seemed to be the parent who got the pick up end of the deal and ended up collecting at midnight/1am and dropping off his mates too.

He needs a job, how many hours does he do at college? Too lazy? No excuses - this is the real world and you have to earn your money.

Seems he needs a tough talking to - he needs to show you some respect before you can trust him again, walking out just because you said no is not on.

And the £15 for food - is that for the week or each day?

You give him £15 a day!! have I read that right? so £75 a week. You can't 'ground' a16 yr old but if he won't work you can at least limit the cash he gets. Give him his bus fare and a packed lunch then he won't have any money to spend. You have my sympathy though- very worrying situation to say the least.

ah x post! thought it seemed very OTT but I've read stranger things on here!

As a parent of such a teen I know you feel at a loss.
I cut off the extras.
I provided money for college but I cancelled his pay monthly phone. I gave him a pay as you go SIM.
I changed the WiFi password and the Netflix.
It was horrendous.

£15 for food at college is a lot.
I'd buy him the wherewithal too make his own packed lunch and stop giving him money for starters.
His mates will get fed up of paying for stuff for him

I'd do nothing and let him go because he'll be with his friends.

I wouldn't have said no in the first place he's 16 ffs.

People saying just let him go, it depends where you live. County lines is rife around here and barely a week goes by without another stabbing the victims and perpetrators are all teenagers, a boy who lives on our (very naice) street got arrested last week for robbery, he's 17, his mum is beside herself, he's out to impress an older group from much as OP describes, the other side of town (shitty area), and he's in well over his head, this time he was the one arrested maybe next time he's the one who ends up in hospital.

Why give him even £15 a week? You have a packed lunch so can he.

I lived alone at 16 🤷‍♀️ How times have changed!

At 16 I was out clubbing all night and crossing London at dawn to get home. Is he just 15 or nearly 17?

I have to say I would be moving away from saying no to this sort of thing ad he had to learn to take managed risks and isn't it better you know where he is?

I'd also want him having some extra money for socialising if he is still in full time education

Only on mumsnet would people say a 16 year old shouldn't get 3 pound a day for a lunch.

Did he get home ok by now? Hope so.
Did anything bad happen -- drugs, drunks, rowdiness, arguments, vomitting, hangovers, crime? That would be my first set of questions to him.

He's probably bigger than you.
He does care about your opinion or he wouldn't have asked at all.

The best you're gonna do here is emotional, but still have to give up the pretence that you can control what he does just with your words. Can go for the straightforward disappointment mixed with "Why would you take a decision like that?"

Tell him your logic why you said now & ask him why he thought it was ok. Let him state his reasons and without emotion tell him why you think it was bad decision & you're disappointed in him.

You can't just tell them what to do at this age. But you can help guide them to make decision according to good reasons you can both agree are ways to decide what is best thing to do. And deep down he will listen to your opinion even if he disagrees, you have his ear. You're trying to teach them now how to make good decisions for themselves, not simply tell them what to do.

Change the wifi password. No lunch money, he can take a sandwich. If you pay for his phone, terminate the contract. He can get a job and pay for it if he thinks he's an adult now.

At 16 he is no longer a child..

Rather than thinking about punishment have you tried to seat him down and talk to him calmly about your worries?

Tell him you are concerned about his safety (going out late in a 'rough' part of town) and that is why you asked him to stay in.

Work a compromise and agree on what nights he will able to go out (weekends).

Your kid also needs to think that you trust him and see him as someone who is growing up, not a child.

But that also means that if he wants to be a grown-up he has to take responsibility for his actions. That includes starting to get a little job to get money he can use when he goes out.