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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What to do when teen walks out?

51 replies

TomAllenWife · 26/11/2021 23:17

He's 16
Came into my bedroom at 10.30 asking if he could go to a party (other side of the city, shitty area)
Obvs I said no

So he got changed and left!!!
I've told him he needs to get home, he says he's going out

WTAF!!!!!!!

What do you do?

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 27/11/2021 08:20

@JurgensCakeBaby

People saying just let him go, it depends where you live. County lines is rife around here and barely a week goes by without another stabbing the victims and perpetrators are all teenagers, a boy who lives on our (very naice) street got arrested last week for robbery, he's 17, his mum is beside herself, he's out to impress an older group from much as OP describes, the other side of town (shitty area), and he's in well over his head, this time he was the one arrested maybe next time he's the one who ends up in hospital.
What do you suggest instead? Vodkas imaginative suggestion of grounding him is impossible.

Op, I'd have let him go, the fact he asked you is good, ask him where he is going, remind him to check his phone charger, ask him who he is going with.

VioletCharlotte · 27/11/2021 08:28

Is he just turned 16 or nearly 17? My two used to go to parties at that age and going out at 10.30 is totally normal to them! It's a fine balance to tread between keeping them safe and not being so over cautious that you damage your relationship with him. If you try and prevent him from having a social life, he'll just lie to you and then you'll have no idea where he is. It's a really tricky age.

MintJulia · 27/11/2021 08:29

I agree, change the wifi password, stop giving him money, he can take a sandwich to college. But don't take his phone, move it to a PAYG.

At the very least he needs to be able to call you and if he really goes missing the police should be able to locate him.

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 27/11/2021 08:33

Thank you all, he got home about midnight and the boys he was going with were in a mood with him as then they weren't allowed to go either 🙄

Unfortunately I was that teen, out from Friday-Monday, partying, drinking, sleeping at anyones hoyse. I left home at 16.
But he is a very different 16 to me, he's not streetwise at all, but thinks he's tough.

I would have no problem with him going to parties but to announce you're going out at 10.30pm to a random party is just nuts

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 27/11/2021 08:43

Make sure you tell him that you’re proud he made a sensible choice. It’ll go a million miles further than punishing him.

MintyCedric · 27/11/2021 08:45

He sounds like basically a good kid.

Have you tried speaking to him about your concerns and giving him a chance to address them?

LynetteScavo · 27/11/2021 09:06

Well done for him for being home by midnight.

I would thank him for that.

I would also lay down some rules (depending on what those rules are would be different if he's Y11s or 12) They usually involve you having to collect or pay for an Uber, but at least you'll know he's safe.

If he's Y12 I would say be home by midnight on a Friday/Saturday. But you need to know exactly where he's going.

LynetteScavo · 27/11/2021 09:10

And only on Mumsnet would people say at 16 he's no longer a child.

Y11 all over the country is full of 16yo children wearing school uniform, and figuring out how much revision they need to do for their GCSE mocks, attending detention because they didn't hand in homework, having their lunch paid for by their mum and pushing the boundaries on a Friday night. Because, y'know...they are children.

LynetteScavo · 27/11/2021 09:12

@RestingPandaFace

Make sure you tell him that you’re proud he made a sensible choice. It’ll go a million miles further than punishing him.
Absolutely this!
MultiStorey · 27/11/2021 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2Hot2Handle · 27/11/2021 09:29

We had a similar situation with our DS, now 21, when he was 16. Here’s what we did, in case it helps you.

We sat down with him for a proper discussion and asked what he wanted to be able to do and why (making sure we really listened and didn’t interrupt). We made our own points about wanting to ensure he stayed safe from the acts of other people (used examples of things that had happened, or could happen) and explained that we wanted to keep him safe, while he was still learning to do that for himself. We gave advice on how to handle different situations, made sure his phone was always topped up, our numbers programmed in and told him to call us at any time if he needed help (which he did, once or twice).
We then agreed a curfew and if he wanted to stay out later, he’d ask. Generally we agreed to an extended curfew, as long as we had the address of where he was going and contact numbers of a couple of friends.
Basically, we agreed a set of rules with him, rather than imposing them on him, made clear what the consequences would be of him not living up to his side of the bargain and then asked him to WhatsApp us what we’d agreed to, so that we could all refer back to it. The whole process wasn’t foolproof, but really helped. It was a calm discussion that he got to be involved in, with give and take both sides.
Maybe a similar approach could help you guys avoid, or at least reduce, future incidents and make everyone feel more in control.

onepieceoflollipop · 27/11/2021 09:33

I have a dd (17) and from 15/16 onwards we have chosen to start loosening the boundaries and rules.
Ultimately we live in a city that has its share of areas I’d prefer not to go in at night but they have to learn.
Technically my dd shouldn’t have an Uber account, shouldn’t have a few vodkas with friends, shouldn’t do x, y or z.
But early next year she will be 18 and at that stage literally she can come and go as she wants. She may move to another city on her own for uni.
So we made some of the sensible choices that others suggested above.
Giving lifts is a pain but also a benefit as you occasionally get to talk to them and sometimes even their friends talk to you in the car (but this has to be led by them!)
For us, we have had to consider whether we want to help her fit in and have a reasonable social life - we do and we can afford it.
So although I could tell her to make her own wholemeal sandwich and refuse to give lunch money, I actually give her fairly generous amounts.
Sometimes it is £5 so she can get something in town before her part time job. This age teen have some catching up to do. At 14/15/16 they missed out due to lockdown. I’ve always given both my dc the choice of school food or packed lunch. And give £3 for packed lunch.
I don’t have an issue with letting mine develop a bit of freedom.

Re the 10.30 party I wouldn’t have been happy but I’d have worked a compromise - so probably yes but go with friends and lift back from me or if not possible Uber back.

Those of you with very strict rules fair enough if that works for you. But it wouldn’t work for my dd. Turning the wi fi off and withholding lunch money for example wouldn’t make her respect us more or help keep a reasonable relationship going between us.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/11/2021 09:39

What do you mean he is not streetwise? What makes someone streetwise? Why hasnt he learned those skills?

Toloveandtowork · 27/11/2021 09:47

I don't think you should be telling a 16-year old how to spend their social life. Leave him to make his choices.

Toloveandtowork · 27/11/2021 09:48

He should be streetwise by now. If he isn't, he needs to learn.

Kenwouldmixitup · 27/11/2021 09:48

Yes yes yes to the discussions which emphasise your teenager is now being trusted to take responsibility for their actions, and so the discussion ensures they know how to do this. And trust is the operative word; trust that our teenagers have the capacity to make the right decision. It’s really hard and tie curling at the same time. And yes to being in the background ready to support.

PegasusReturns · 27/11/2021 09:50

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Hmm Probably because 13/14/15 year olds have been confined to their homes for a pretty decent chunk of the past 18mths.

Helenluvsrob · 27/11/2021 09:54

Kids going out at all times - suspect county lines I’m afraid - especially if earning a few quid would tempt them.

Personally I’d take and collect I think knowing what I do now. Much as I’d hate it.

I’m about 10yrs past this now but even then I would pick up any and everyone when needed simply to know where they were and avoid teenagers driving at stupid o’clock possibly under the influence of something or just being knackered and inexperienced.

Mojoj · 27/11/2021 09:59

He's 16. Too old to be told he can't go out. That said, he needs to get a job. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he should be paying own way.

PegasusReturns · 27/11/2021 10:00

I adopted a similar approach to @onepieceoflollipop.

At the start of lockdown I had two teens who were just on the cusp of starting independent social lives.

The year + they spent in their bedrooms took away a lot of opportunities to grow from 14/15 year old who had very organised agendas, were driven everywhere and whose friends were all known to me to more independent teens transitioning to young adults.

I’m also conscious that they’ve had a really rubbish time abs it’s lovely to see them have opportunities and grow since the situation improved. So I try to be relaxed about them going out.

We have a couple of rules:
• Let me know where they are going and with whom - no sneaking out.

• Find my friends switched on
• Can call me any time
• After midnight I expect them to take a taxi - they have access to my account.

BonnesVacances · 27/11/2021 10:03

@ElectraBlue

At 16 he is no longer a child..

Rather than thinking about punishment have you tried to seat him down and talk to him calmly about your worries?

Tell him you are concerned about his safety (going out late in a 'rough' part of town) and that is why you asked him to stay in.

Work a compromise and agree on what nights he will able to go out (weekends).

Your kid also needs to think that you trust him and see him as someone who is growing up, not a child.

But that also means that if he wants to be a grown-up he has to take responsibility for his actions. That includes starting to get a little job to get money he can use when he goes out.

This ^^ There has to be compromise. Ask him to set out what he would find reasonable, you set out your side and then you agree together what the rules are. Agree to some concessions so they feel they've gained some ground, even if you have to artificially draw a line so you can move it.

If there are any definite no-go areas, offer an alternative, as in "I'm sorry that's not going to happen, but instead I would be happy with this..." Also set out your expectations re behaviour and helping around the house and what the consequences would be if that isn't stuck too.

But simply it's a two-way street now and they are more likely to follow rules if they've been able to draw them up.

LynetteScavo · 27/11/2021 10:10

The year + they spent in their bedrooms took away a lot of opportunities to grow from 14/15 year old who had very organised agendas, were driven everywhere and whose friends were all known to me to more independent teens transitioning to young adults.

I’m also conscious that they’ve had a really rubbish time abs it’s lovely to see them have opportunities and grow since the situation improved. So I try to be relaxed about them going out.

I can so relate to this. DD has gone from a 14yo being dropped off at friends houses to a16yo taking a train to another city to meet college friends I've never met. She hasn't had the gradual transition from one to the other teens usually have. This is an effect of lockdown I hadn't anticipated.

Sunflowers765 · 27/11/2021 22:42

Mine is 18 now and I agree making up for lost time at the night clubs. I'm just grateful that from at 17 she was basically locked down. If Boris brought in another one I'd be cheering from the rooftops! Wink

QualityChecked · 27/11/2021 22:46

He told you where he's going and who he's with. That's good. Lots of 16yos would have told you they were staying at a friends not me obviously

It's Saturday night and he's 16. Old enough to marry or join the Army. Leave him be.

QualityChecked · 27/11/2021 22:56

@JurgensCakeBaby

People saying just let him go, it depends where you live. County lines is rife around here and barely a week goes by without another stabbing the victims and perpetrators are all teenagers, a boy who lives on our (very naice) street got arrested last week for robbery, he's 17, his mum is beside herself, he's out to impress an older group from much as OP describes, the other side of town (shitty area), and he's in well over his head, this time he was the one arrested maybe next time he's the one who ends up in hospital.
By 16 you have to hope you've done enough that they're able to choose their friends wisely and remove themselves from situations they're uncomfortable with. Keeping them at home isn't the answer.
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