Background:
DD 16 is trickly. She has always been stubborn, headstrong and at times, rude – even when knowing that her behaviour will land her in trouble. She has horrendous mood swings (worse than your average teen I would say) and can become hysterical with rage or upset over anything. So far, so nearly normal…. She can be lovely and when her guard is down, she is sweet and vulnerable. BUT her anger is off the scale and she is often embroiled in a friendship drama. She wants security and love but pushes it away when it knocks so friends don’t know where they stand. She has told me that she hates her life and feels like she is on the edge. She hates being at home and just wants to be out with her friends (who are mostly lovely to be fair) but they do drink at parties/weekend and I know they also smoke weed sometime. DD has told me she is full of rage and thinks she would do well to talk to someone.
She is constantly at loggerheads with her dad.
DH is fiery and also stubborn. Quite old school and the product of a very traditional Mediterranean upbringing. He has no patience for teen angst/struggles and thinks everything can be solved by discipline and rules. He thinks social media is the route of all evil and that everything would be solved by banning it. I agree to an extent, but when you have a DD with massive FOMO, it’s always going to be an unwinnable battle to get them to ditch SM. He says I have caused massive problems because I’ve overruled him disciplining the DC over the years and to a degree, it’s true. I think he is ‘too much’ so have always felt obliged to go softer than I would otherwise in order to redress the balance. As a result, we have not always been aligned. Because of this (and other things) we have had many rocky patches over the years and the DC have seen him shouting and ranting and losing his temper many times. I think this has been damaging. On the flip side of this, he just wants to care for us, feed us and can be very gentle, caring and kind. He tries to talk to DD but she pushes him away. He knows his temper has not been good and has taken big and successful steps to improve things and apart from what’s just happened, things have been much better for a long time. He has also apologised to DC for being historically angry.
The dilemma
He and DD fell out very badly a couple of nights ago – DD had been vile and confrontational for several days and DH finally flipped. She told him she hated him and he disgusted her and he was a fucking pig and he told her to go to her room. She said ‘no. you can’t make me because if you do I will call social services’ and he lost it and dragged her off the sofa by her hoodie. He didn't touch her body in any way, but pulled her hood. She then picked up a glass candle and told him she wanted to smash it in his face. She also picked up nail scissors and said if he came closer, she would stab him (I can categorically say that she wouldn’t have). BUT It was the awful – the worst.
DH took her phone and has this morning told me she is grounded till Christmas. I agree that she has crossed a line, but I think that cutting her off from the support of her friends (no phone/no socialising) when she is this angry and needs an outlet, is dangerous. He says I am being too soft and that is what has got us here. I have reminded him that she has said she knows she has anger issues and wants to talk to someone and he has said that whilst he isn’t against her talking to someone in principle if that’s what she needs, she needs to try things ‘his way’ first as he thinks she needs stronger boundaries and that will make her feel better in the long run.
I say grounding her for a month and taking her phone away for effectively finally exploding after seeing him modelling a bad temper for years, is unfair. He has said that I need to wake up and finally align myself with him as he loves her and has her best interests at heart and my ‘softy softly’ approach clearly hasn’t worked. If I don’t – then we need to consider our future. He has said we need to at least try and work together as a family before reaching out to get outside help.
I am so torn. She will panic, the sob, then rage if she thinks she can’t go out for a month and hasn’t got her phone, and worse – she will think I am denying her access to counselling when she has asked for it, but maybe we should work as a family first and this is appropriate course of action. I just have no idea.
DH and I have had a massive row this morning with me stating the above and I no longer know what I think any more.