14 year old girl and boyfriend

[twoblueskies]

Help and advice getting through these teenage years . My DD is 14 and has started dating a lad . He’s the same age but more streetwise and experienced than her , he’s from a different area but can short bus ride to ours. She was seeing him once a week now it’s two nights and one day at weekend . He’s living with his dad and after a few conversations and a bit of digging around I found that his dad has prev with DV , many relationships and the boy was witness to Dv when younger (6) and no longer sees his mum.
The lad seems nice , easy to talk to and seems to be nice to our DD .
But he seems infatuated with DD , they talk every morning and every night and I hear him saying how quickly he has caught feelings for her scared of losing her and he was v upset when we took her on holiday . He’s also complaining that she may not be around for Christmas. It’s v emotional
I’m not sure if my worry is whether he is so attached because of his chaotic home life or if he is trying to use her by being so charming .
I’m in my 50 and I remember first love but I also remember the ways lads would use skill to get sex .
I’ve seen phone messages and when she has complained about me he has told her things like “ remember your mum is watching her little girl grow up and might be finding it hard “ ( true ) “ I wish I could tell her how much you mean to me “ and how he wants to take time to get to know her . They have been dating 6 weeks .
What should I do , I’m talked to her about not having sex too soon ( I think that might be too late ) not spending too much time with him . Enjoying this bit . But he comes with lots of baggage and told her he lost his virginity at 12 but regrets it and has had 7 prev relationships but she’s his longest so far .

Not sure there is anything you can do and it's irrelevant about his past? If anything coming from a broken home can make someone very down to earth - in fact that text mesage sounds very sweet and mature of him.

Don't assume this is all being said to try and hace sex with your DD.

Maybe invite him over and get to know him a bit more?

My brothers are from
A broken home and are real gents.

I like him a lot , I really do .I'm impressed by how lovely he is tbh . And his background doesn't phase me except his dads conviction of DV so my dd isn't allowed at his house , he comes to ours and they go out . But he's v vulnerable and clingy to her .

Sorry but you need to step up here. If you let things carry on as they are, they will soon be having sex. Your DD is still a child and needs you to protect her.
Get to know the lad. Curtail their time together - both in quantity and in making sure they don’t have loads of time on their own.
For example, he can come over one night a week and they have to be downstairs … maybe then some time at weekend but you need to know where they are etc. Ideally some time with your as a family.
Do your best to slow things down. If it’s true love ( tell your daughter) it will wait a bit …
It’s very very hard but just do your best.

Not that it is dd's responsibility but maybe she has given him some self worth.. Sounds like he has had it rough.. Maybe him seeing her on her home turf will let him see she has the boundaries given by you and if he likes you he will respect you both.

Thankyou for replies .
Last night I had a feeling and checked her phone . She's texting two of his friends behind his back and calling them fit . He has asked his friends not to contact her because apparently she has flirted with them in front of him . I can't see this ending well . I have told her that it's not respectful to treat anyone like that and she has feigned not knowing how to behave as he's her first BF . I know I know unbelievable.
Would you intervene and let him know ? . I'm worried she is going to get into a lot of trouble because she is arranging to meet his friends behind his back. ?
Also his dad has seen love bites on his son and called her a slut apparently.
Honestly she has been a great girl up till 6 weeks ago
I've taken her phone and PlayStation away so she can't contact him .
I don't want him turning up at our house while her dad is working away

She’s 14. She shouldn’t be meeting anyone outside school without your knowledge and permission. If you don’t lay the ground rules down now it will only get harder.
So if she knows she has to discuss with you first ( for the moment ..) then that’s a great opening to having a chat about potential consequences ( hurt feelings, etc). What’s obvious to us adults is not necessarily obvious to a 14 yr old.

Sorry, just re-read and saw the mention of love bites …. Do your think your DD gave him the love bites?
If yes, What do you think that means as to what’s going to happen soon?

Are you OK with that???

Yeah this is going to end badly.

He is going to be very damaged and will most likely want to stay with her as he will have very little in the way of boundaries and self esteem due to watching his mother getting battered. Then they will move in to a very toxic relationship where he punishes her for her childish behaviour and she begs for him to get back with her

She is 14. She is not legally entitled to a sex life. Nip this in the bud now. You need to spend a lot of time with her talking and more talking. You Really need to discuss if she has been having sex with him and did they use protection/could she be pregnant.

She is not emotionally mature enough for the relationship - it got intense very quickly and then she is trying to flirt with his friends. His mates.

I would absolutely confiscate her phone for the fore seeable.

What are you talking about? It doesn’t mean they’re having sex. I had a boyfriend at 14 and we did nothing but kiss but loved hanging out together unaccompanied watching movies, taking the dogs for a walk. Get over it.

Also why the hell are you looking at her phone. What a massive invasion of privacy. And stop suggesting you speak to her boyfriend. How is she supposed to learn and gain experience if you keep sticking your beak in.

@Newmum29

Also why the hell are you looking at her phone. What a massive invasion of privacy. And stop suggesting you speak to her boyfriend. How is she supposed to learn and gain experience if you keep sticking your beak in.

Oh stop it. She is 14. 14 year olds need keeping check off - that includes occasional checking of devices.

My eldest is 25 - I gave her bags of 'privacy' when she was 16, until I checked her phone one time and found out all the shite she had been up to.

We shouldn't be giving kids enough rope to hang themselves - they still need guidence and yes - monitoring.

@Newmum29 that sounds idyllic … your boyfriend at 14, had he lost his virginity at 12? Because if he had, he might have had slightly different expectations than cuddling, movies and walking the dog.

Just cause you went having sex at 14 @Newmum29 doesn't mean others weren't and it is damaging you aren't ready at that age.

Why on earth would you let her boyfriend know about the other boys? And there's already red flags that he's trying to stop people from speaking to her, she may well have been flirting with them but that doesn't mean he had the right to control who she speaks to. An emotionally mature person would just dump someone if they were openly doing that kind of behaviour but as they are both still children that isn't going to happen.
If she is attention grabbing off of different boys then I'd be keeping a general eye on all of her social life, she needs ways to boast her confidence that aren't related to how many bits like her. Possibly some kind of sport?

As for the wife beating father calling her a slut. Who the hell does he think he is? What kind of adult talks about a child like that.... Clearly one that thinks controlling women with his fists is fine.

As others have said restrict this relationship it sounds like a toxic mess.

Good luck but you can do it!

Shite - I have only just spotted that he lost his virginity at 12. OP I would be really concerned about who he actually lost it with tbh. Because that's not right.

OP she’s still a great girl but she just needs you to step up and keep her safe whilst she matures …. Well done done for confiscating the phone and PS that’s a great start. Like others have said, keep her close, talk to her if she’ll let you, but mainly …. Keep her close and make her feel your love and care. Even if she seems to ‘hate’ you for it!

Thankyou so much everyone, I've read all the replies .
Firstly I have her phone and PlayStation so she can't contact anyone . She was angry but we've stuck it out day 4 now .
She does other things , guides , football 3 times a week and a theatre group .
She's drifting with friends, before meeting him this was happening.
Yes lots of red flags , he's definitely not had a good life , dv, violence , no mum contact , not much emotional warmth in family . Also talks like a kid whose had therapy .
He has posted conversations about sex saying she should wait as he regretted it and he doesn't want her to feel the a same way . Yes he has asked his friends to block her but he's also said that her flirting with his mates upsets him but he can't control who else she speaks too

We had a great chat tonight about behaving differently with boys and boyfriends and she knows she's got it wrong . We are discussing rules tomorrow and she may get her phone back , with the proviso that next time she will lose it for longer if she misbehaves

Sounds like you're doing a great job OP. I agree with you checking her phone, she is still a child and your responsibility.

Firstly I don't slag off him coming from a broken home , I like him , but there is no doubt that his home life has been and is difficult . He's told me about it . And he has and does still recieve therapy . His emotional language is impressive and he talks about coping strategies .
They both have love bites and my response has been pretty much the same as his dads and have spoken to my daughter about boundaries with his mates .
She was sexually assaulted aged 8 by a boy at a sleepover and I think this new boyfriend situation has triggered something in her . Anger ? , revenge ? A need to be in control and have validation? I have contacted her school and we are waiting for mental health support .

Well I stand by it. No he didn’t lose his virginity at 12 but I know people who did at 13 and they’re fully functioning adults and it didn’t scar them for life. Checking devices is just not on, why can’t they have any privacy? If I was being monitored all it would do would be stopping me telling my mother anything and becoming even more secretive. Yes she’s a child but she is not going to have you there breathing down her neck every day. If he’s the one telling her she should wait because he regrets losing it early he sounds pretty mature to me. Don’t any of you remember what it’s like being 14?

And I stand by checking her phone and no she shouldn't have a sex life at 14 . As she shouldn't be trying to meet his friends behind his back which he has said upsets him . Again I like him he seems to be the mature one definitely. He's saying no to sex but his friends may not . One even said they felt sorry for him because of her behaviour .
I didn't want to ban them seeing each other but the facts are
She gave him hickeys before and he got in trouble with his dad , I said I wasn't happy either and didn't want them doing it again so now it's on his body so that didn't work
Yes I check her phone if I didn't I wouldn't have the evidence to back up my worries
She is cutting herself , this was before she met him
Our house is like a war zone unless I give her total freedom to do what she wants .
He says he regrets having sex at 12 . Yes others are ready , he says he wasn't .

That sounds tough OP and it sounds like you are on it with getting her MH support unfortunately you may have to pay for it.

@Newmum29 really calling a 14 year old child a misogynistic slur like dick tease, think about that concept for a moment so you are chatting and flirting with someone but find actually you aren't that into him or just don't fancy anything more but because you've flirted with him you have to go through with it and what fuck him? God forbid the penis didn't get what it wanted...forget about enthusiastic consent!

As for her "getting a reputation" gone are the days when women are valued for their "virtue" I mean really if she does have loads of sex the only thing she does is put her self as risk physically and emotionally, her value is unchanged and anyone who thinks differently needs a long hard head wobble.

What is way more important is a troubled and confused girl get loving support from her parents which it sounds like she is.

@Newmum29 Not to be dramatic or anything, but this attitude from my parents is how I got raped when I was 14. If someone had been checking my devices it never would have happened.

I'm so sorry to hear about your rape , that's one of my fears x