14 year old daughter

[DMVJ]

14 year old daughter is very rude. I haven't done a good job of parenting. I have to say. I can't stand it though. Her rudeness is breaking me.
Although I was angry in the past and still a bit now. I'm not a calm parent. Made lots of bad mistakes. Any tips to try and fix it a bit.
Her latest trend is to say I'm making big things out of small things. And then dismisses me saying she can't deal with me right now. Which I can sort of see. I do get cross at the mess. And her rudeness.

I have a 13 year old ds who can be so rude and disrespectful to me...I completely understand how awful it is. I feel like I'm in an awful situation as he gets worse if you're strict yet he also shouldn't get away with it. Teenagers are such hard work. I thank heavens he isn't badly behaved or rude at school which gives me some hope this is just a phase!

Yeah…. Mine was awful.

15 now and a bit better. Ignore the mess, tackle the rudeness.

@Comedycook @ArseInTheCoOpWindow
She just ignores me completely. The rudeness is out of control. But I've made a lot of mistakes.
She's manipulative. But im also so blame.

I think they are all arseholes at that age

[quote DMVJ]**@Comedycook* @ArseInTheCoOpWindow*
She just ignores me completely. The rudeness is out of control. But I've made a lot of mistakes.
She's manipulative. But im also so blame. [/quote]
Well you need to move past the blaming.
Write out to yourself what you want?
Help with chores
Clean bedroom
Dinner together etc

Then sit down with her and say that your dynamic needs to change immediately. Stop blaming yourself and start laying out what you want.
You can also learn to listen without answering or expressing an opinion.

@flippertyop that's darkly funny. But I think she's worse than most. Anyway. Thanks.

What's she like at school and with other people?

Next time she wants a lift, dinner, money a chat tell her you've not time for it right now, when she blows up tell her to stop turning little things into big things.

@Colin56
Sounds good.
I think I've done too much damage.
But this makes sense.
Don't think she will go for it.
She's been two years in her room and not spending time with us. But a lot of it is my fault. Anyway. Thanks.

@Comedycook
She has issues with teachers at school and with friends.

@dmvj
I think you have to move away from 'fault' - most of what you describe is normal teenage moving into adulthood stuff. Its fine to not want to hang out but the ground rules around communication have not been established, that might be your issue?

I think you really need to pick your battles with teenagers. Ignore what you can and only challenge on the important issues. I don’t think it’s worth getting into power struggles.

Is there anything you both like doing together or anything you can arrange\offer to have a positive experience together.

Honestly OP it depends on what 'mistakes' you have made

Are they 'big' mistakes that have impacted her or 'small' mistakes in parenting in general.

Small mistakes can be fixed easily
Big mistakes need a lot of work to rectify.

What do you feel you did wrong ?

I've done lots of big mistakes. I think it's too late.

@Whatinthelord she won't do anything with me. Or her dad really. Hadn't done for two years.

What have you done, the mistakes you think you have made? Does she have friends and how are things at school? What does she do with ber time? Mine would sometimes take everything out on me at this age and I don't think it's unusual. Parents are the closest, the safe place. So much going on in their lives and it can be overwhelming.

Well it’s difficult for anyone to give advice unless you can give some idea of a background.

You keep saying it's your fault, but what are you doing to try and fix it?

It’s really really hard.
I’ve got no advice but I have got a 14 year old dd2 so I empathise,
We’re going through major drama every single school night atm.
Triggered mainly by us having phone left on landing from 10.30pm on a school night - so she might get a few hours sleep before school…
She thinks if she yells and squawks and cries we might realise the error of our ways and give up and let her have the phone all night every night…

Omg it is not you, it is her. They are exactly programmed to press your buttons, particularly girls v mothers. It's incredibly draining. Then they turn 15 and 16 ARGHHHH

Buckle up, lots of deep breathing, do your best to ignore rudeness as much as possible, praise good behaviour like crazy and just hang onto the fact that they do come out the other side.

I don't want to air all my dirty linen. Realise that makes it hard to give advice.
I'm about to lose my job. I'm severely depressed. And it is all my fault. I've made many bad decisions at home and work.
I try to say as little as possible. I'm not a great conversationalist with her. I tend to ask questions.
I 'm the worst mum of a teen.
I say little keep waiting. She's out every day. Demands food and a cat. And gives no notice. She's so impatient. I go weeks and years without any time with her.
I like to plan ahead. She wont. Not even two hours away. She then says I don't enjoy anything. And it's true. She says live in the moment.

I hate it. I like to plan ahead. And pick things I like. She's right. I'm just a mess.

DMJV sorry to hear you are not well
Have you got any support/treatment for your depression?

In the nicest possible way op, I’m thinking the best thing you could do for your daughter is get yourself support with your own mental health.

Once you are in a better place and have had some support it’ll be easier to build a relationship with your daughter.

You say you’ve done ‘bad things’ maybe family therapy might be an option.

Thanks everyone. Much appreciated.