14 year old daughter

[DMVJ]

14 year old daughter is very rude. I haven't done a good job of parenting. I have to say. I can't stand it though. Her rudeness is breaking me.
Although I was angry in the past and still a bit now. I'm not a calm parent. Made lots of bad mistakes. Any tips to try and fix it a bit.
Her latest trend is to say I'm making big things out of small things. And then dismisses me saying she can't deal with me right now. Which I can sort of see. I do get cross at the mess. And her rudeness.

There's a lot to unpick here. I agree with the poster above who said that the best thing you can do is get help for your own mental health. It's hard enough to be a mum of a teen let alone when you are struggling with your own mental health.

Is there anything you can bond with her on? I sometimes sit with my Ds and he shows me his favourite YouTube videos or football videos that he's interested in. Or I try to get him to help me with cooking...I find he really opens up and has a chat with me when we do that

Just to echo some of the advice above: if you're in a happier place then you'll be able to have a more healthy relationship. The first step would be to look at your own anger reactions, what makes you blow up and why. It's absolutely in your power to get better and in doing so, improve your relationship with your daughter.

If you keep telling yourself its already too late, it'll be a self fulfilling prophecy. Your daughter will probably live with you for the next four years (at the least!), you have the time to make things better between you.

(Also, being rude back or one-upping her like some commenters seem to suggest will only be counterproductive: you have to model the behaviour you want to see.)

It' s not easy parenting a teenager by any means, most parents go through some kind of turbulance.
l know how hard it can be to stay calm, l have had to practice this with my two teenagers, it can be testing.
What l would suggest is " Hit the pause button", this is what l try and remind myself before a volcanic erruption,
Also ask yourself "Is this going to help? " when your tempted to do or say something on impulse.
l used to say to mine "l will talk to you once things are calmer" and walk away. Then when things are calmer, discuss what has happened and best way of moving forward. Sometimes it doesnt hurt for you to admit your only human and capable of making mistakes, but l read something that l can very much relate to, " Kids don' t do as you say, they do as you do", as in they mirror your own behaviour, so calmness and respect is key.
Anything you say or do in anger you will live to regret, that much l know, so l am much more aware of when l'm feeling alot of inner tension, and l have found "hit the pause button" can save alot of uneccesary stress. It does take practice.

Hi, looking for opinions. My daughter (14) has the wattpad app, her dad (divorced) hates it and wants to ban her from it. I've read a lot of what she is reading and yes it's trashy anime sex stuff (so badly written it's painful) but I feel like outright banning it means she will start looking elsewhere online for stuff. I'm not bothered what she reads as I do talk to her about it all and she's knows it is just trash and not a reflection of real life. He's just 'caught' her reading some Harry Potter alt stories and is not happy. I need random stranger thoughts either way on this. A.ban totally and just hope she doesn't come up with other ways to read or watch things. Or B find a workaround so she can keep her smutty alt literature.

Tell her you love her very much.
If you and she come from a family where this is not said, it will feel very weird and strange to say it and at first she might think you’re taking the piss.
Keep saying it every day over weeks and months until it feels more natural. Touch her arm or hair and say it. In the morning and in the evening. Very brief but constantly repeated.
A small start when you can’t think of anything else to say.
And yes to getting some help for your depression. Maybe let your DD know you’ve been a bit stressed lately but you’re taking steps to talk to someone about it and deal with it.
If she would come for a walk with you some evenings - just to the shop and back or around the block - the exercise and activity may relax you both and help you to talk.
Hope things can settle. Don’t give up.

@Sparks2208

Hi, looking for opinions. My daughter (14) has the wattpad app, her dad (divorced) hates it and wants to ban her from it. I've read a lot of what she is reading and yes it's trashy anime sex stuff (so badly written it's painful) but I feel like outright banning it means she will start looking elsewhere online for stuff. I'm not bothered what she reads as I do talk to her about it all and she's knows it is just trash and not a reflection of real life. He's just 'caught' her reading some Harry Potter alt stories and is not happy. I need random stranger thoughts either way on this. A.ban totally and just hope she doesn't come up with other ways to read or watch things. Or B find a workaround so she can keep her smutty alt literature.

I would think a ban wouldn't be effective and would just mean a step back from trust and understanding. Reading (and even writing!) fanfiction smut is pretty harmless exploration of sexuality in a very safe context. Boys her age will have started being exposed to hardcore pornography which is much more detrimental (in modelling healthy sex and relations). I'm in my 30s and I know lots of people who were engaged in that kind of Potter fandom in their teens and it didn't harm them (and indeed gave them something to connect to some of their peers about).

Thank you, I am holding back on pointing out that it's seen as ok for boys but not girls....but I will go there if he pushes this. She is back home with me tomorrow so I will have a good chat with her.

@DMVJ The best thing you can do, in almost every situation, is sit down with her and talk. Ask her what her perspective is and why she thinks you're making a big deal. What kind of things does she say you're overreacting about? Try to be open-minded and see it from her perspective. Just listen to what she has to say and then gently explain how it feels from your point of view. I have a 15-year-old and twin 12-year-olds (all girls) and this has always worked with them. You'd be surprised how many crossed wires and misinterpretations there always are.

Also, big emphasis on making home a safe, secure and happy environment for her. It makes a world of difference to how children, especially teenagers, act and how much they talk to you. If she feels safe, happy and comfortable at home then she'll stop being "rude" or doing whatever she's doing, and open up more. If people at home are always angry or don't listen, teenagers can feel like there's nowhere where they're happy and can be themselves.

@Coronawireless tried all that. And it hasn't worked. Thanks. For the advice. Though.

[quote DMVJ]@Coronawireless tried all that. And it hasn't worked. Thanks. For the advice. Though. [/quote]
Sorry to hear that but keep on doing it nonetheless. Over and over. She may be vile right now but she will remember it when she looks back. That you kept going in the face of adversity.
And try to seek help for your depression💐

@emma342 @Coronawireless I guess I haven't made home feel safe. I don't really like her friends. She's not doing well at school. She's out all the time. Won't go out with us. I say as little as possible. But when she's rude then I get upset and cross. I think I've lost my job. She will then dislike me even more. Understandably. I'm a terrible place and so is she. It's bad at home. Really bad. She will end up with bad grades. And a dead end job. I think we chose a bad school. She's an only child. It all feels too late.