Support thread for those with high conflict teens

AlbusDumbledore2234 · 03/11/2021 17:01

I have an 11 year old daughter, not quite a teenager but she has just started secondary school and since September has had a complete personality transplant, she has gone from sweet little girl to vile insolent argumentative nightmare. Her temper is quite scary at times. She has no respect for my rules or her Fathers rules and her choice of friends is questionable as well. I am dreading the next few years. Sorry no advice but watching this thread closely and you have my sympathy

WelshDaffy · 04/11/2021 13:26

Thanks for starting this - it’s difficult isn’t it. It’s hard for others to understand that it’s more than just usual teenage behaviour. My DS is 15 and struggles to have any communication with me that’s not rude or verbally aggressive - unless he wants something. His change in behaviour started when he became friendly with a less desirable lad who he seems to hero worship. He was such a easy-going, enthusiastic happy preteen. I have days where I don’t want to come home if I know he’s there as I don’t know what mood he’s going to be in. It’s taken a long time but I’ve accepted that my life is going to be like this until he comes out the other side (everyone reassures me he will). Until then I’ll try to parent him the best I can but it’s really hard living with somebody who can be so vile and self centred.

Original poster

yourangryeyebrow · 04/11/2021 19:14

@AlbusDumbledore2234 yes the transition to secondary school seems to really prompt a sea change in behaviour. I hope things improve for you.

@WelshDaffy that sounds so tough. The point about being nice when they want something resonates! I got home from work today, having changed the WiFi password before I left this morning (still refusing to go to school!) and he had worked out that he could just plug the TV directly into the router so no doubt he's been sat on his arse watching YouTube all day rather than going to school. School not interested in helping. It escalated yesterday when I changed the WiFi password and he then locked himself in the toilet with my laptop that I needed to work. Not fun.

OP posts:

WelshDaffy · 05/11/2021 08:23

That’s really tough. How old is your DS? Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job putting boundaries in place.

Original poster

yourangryeyebrow · 05/11/2021 12:18

He's 14.

Last night got to bed and he'd pulled all my sheets off my bed, emptied my drawers out all over the floor. This morning seemed remorseful, gave me a hug and apologised. Then I've come to work again, having changed the WiFi password again, forgot to remove the cable for the TV so he's got access to YouTube again today while he skives school, and I've received a message from him this morning with threats of violence for blocking the other internet (except the tv!). I've just totally had enough. Every sanction I put in place, he escalates, and we are all bloody miserable.

OP posts:

PickleOnk · 11/11/2021 04:22

My son is 12 but have a very challenging relationship. Every interaction is either confrontational, shut off or ignored from his side. This has been building since he was as little as I can remember if I’m honest. Whatever I ask is met with anger or awkward questions, ie ‘what do you mean’ said in an angry tone. I try and switch off entirely and am then accused of being a bad mum who doesn’t care. He purposely does things around me to cause conflict - for example, whistling sets off my labyrinthitis so he walks through the room doing it.
I have been at my wits ends for years and tried all I can but he is now bigger and stronger than me. When he really loses it he smashes up his room and recently has been violent towards his dad for the first time (separated for last 8 years). I won’t be able to protect myself if he goes for me and he knows that. I feel this is only a matter of time
There is no punishment that matters to him, internet, friends, privileges, etc. He really doesn’t care or react to any of these. I am not a pushover and have always insisted on consequences of actions including him knowing since he has been over 10 he is at the age of criminal responsibility and I will call the police if he hurts me or his older sister

My life is a minefield and I feel terrible because of it. Would love support from others who have similar issues at home without judgement

PickleOnk · 15/11/2021 23:15

Any advice would be appreciated

Mamacarrot · 15/11/2021 23:33

@PickleOnk I would suggest some form of counselling

Mamacarrot · 15/11/2021 23:38

I can’t offer much help as I don’t have a teenager. But being around my teenage cousins I notice they don’t sleep much, stay up till very late . And wake up early to go school , don’t have breakfast and just drink energy drinks and buy loads of sugar and shit from the corner shops . I really feel like maybe if they got more sleep , ate heather and not drank those bad drinks their behaviour and rage would improve to an extent . I’m not saying this is the case with your teenagers but it’s just my observation I’ve made from seeing my cousins .

steppemum · 15/11/2021 23:45

@Mamacarrot

I can’t offer much help as I don’t have a teenager. But being around my teenage cousins I notice they don’t sleep much, stay up till very late . And wake up early to go school , don’t have breakfast and just drink energy drinks and buy loads of sugar and shit from the corner shops . I really feel like maybe if they got more sleep , ate heather and not drank those bad drinks their behaviour and rage would improve to an extent . I’m not saying this is the case with your teenagers but it’s just my observation I’ve made from seeing my cousins .

thank you for coming on to a thread where you have no knowledge or experience, and where the op says they are looking for a safe space and specifically says:

It's so hard to talk to people in the outside world as they either think you're a terrible parent or suggest things that just don't work for teenagers with a tendency to rebelling against all sanctions...

and then suggesting things which show that you know bugger all about difficult teenagers.
or any teenagers really.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 15/11/2021 23:48

@yourangryeyebrow

I have had similar. Do you know why he isn't going into school? Sounds like a stupid question but having been through this the last 18 months, it's probable that there is a reason (normally anxiety of some sort) behind it. The books encourage the parents / caregivers to just see the behaviour as symptom of something that they are struggling with.
I found / find really hard to separate the normal teen behaviour from the more extreme stuff tbh but the more extreme stuff definitely wasn't normal and was an underlying MH issue.
Are things any better? It's very tough to deal with. I empathise.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 15/11/2021 23:53

@PickleOnk
That sound tough. Also extreme. Have you taken him to the Doctors? When my teen was at her worst - it was a demonstration of something that she was massively struggling with underneath. She was so scared and confused and couldn't keep a grip on her emotions when resulted in huge mood swings between anger and depression. She's now on medication (Which I wouldn't have wanted but the behaviour was so extreme and the lows so low I felt life was untenable) which has made a really positive change.

Mamacarrot · 16/11/2021 00:15

@steppemum the things I suggested were just things I’ve experienced . Only reason I mentioned it is because my cousins mum was not aware of what her children were getting up to whereas i could. But once I made her aware and she was able to make those changes and mentioned a change in their behaviour. They didn’t become saints but she said there was an improvement in their temperament and behaviour at school. At the end of the day all teenagers are different and come from different households . What works for one may not work for another . So if I have shared what I have seen work for one family on here and another parent chooses to take it on board it could work or may not work . Depends . But I don’t see what right you have to assume my opinion is invalid because it doesn’t align with your lived experience.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 16/11/2021 00:26

If it helps, I have a lovely older teenager but we both didn’t have it easy. I think @Mamacarrot was saying OK things. I’d question the aggression and defensiveness. I have a friend who is wanting to ‘just rant’ but you know what - we have to do something - and we can do lots, really lots. Doesn’t change overnight but it can get better.

I had a teenager who was quite difficult. Single parent here, struggling also with a younger child with SEN. So I totally get it. The biggest difference by far was when I changed aspects of myself. I had to take a step back, a massive one. One of the best things is:

start to tell them every single day one thing that you like about them. Even if it’s small.
scale back the demands on them. Give them a break.
pick your battles. Prioritise their safety, our safety.
never get into battles. Back off. Show them how to calm down, by calming down.

steppemum · 16/11/2021 00:28

Mamacarrot
I didn't say your opinion was invalid.
I said it was an inapporpriate comment on a thread where the OP is not looking for pat answers from people with no experience (which you do not have, watching your cousins is not experience of extremely challenging teen kids of your own, which is what OP has)

OP specifically commented on people making suggestions with no understanding, and yet you did just that.

Of course you are entitled to your opinion. But it was comepletely tone deaf of you to give it here.
Just as giving an opinion on bad teen drivers would be inappropriate on a thread where someone was suffereing after their kid had been in a car accident. Or an opinion on how hard babies are is not the right thing to post on a thread about infertility or miscarriage.
There is a time and a place

GreenLunchBox · 16/11/2021 00:32

@steppemum

Mamacarrot I didn't say your opinion was invalid. I said it was an inapporpriate comment on a thread where the OP is not looking for pat answers from people with no experience (which you do not have, watching your cousins is not experience of extremely challenging teen kids of your own, which is what OP has)

OP specifically commented on people making suggestions with no understanding, and yet you did just that.

Of course you are entitled to your opinion. But it was comepletely tone deaf of you to give it here.
Just as giving an opinion on bad teen drivers would be inappropriate on a thread where someone was suffereing after their kid had been in a car accident. Or an opinion on how hard babies are is not the right thing to post on a thread about infertility or miscarriage.
There is a time and a place

I think you're being overly harsh and over-sensitive to Mamacarrot and your analogies are not the same at all

Mamacarrot · 16/11/2021 00:36

@steppemum I understand your point. But there were other commenters on here who asked for advice so decided to share the little experience I have had of being around difficult teenagers. I didn’t mean to offend anyone

Monty27 · 16/11/2021 01:07

OP I feel your pain. I was often on here bewailing ds' behaviour from that age. By 16 he was smoking weed at every opportunity and selling his stuff I'd bought him to finance it. He's wrecked furniture in the past, all sorts of shenanigans. I was a single parent since he was a toddler and his df was useless.
I'm afraid to say I had to ride the storm. It was a very dark time and I really did consider farming him out to social services at one point.
The only advice I can offer is to try to communicate. Pick your battles by priority.
It's really really difficult.
I had great support on here at the time. You'll never be alone. You're not alone.
Any time he had school or personal problems I always had his back. I had a sympathy for him because of his df being what he was.
DS is 25 now and still lives with me and adores me. Even if he's still a messy git.
I'm always here to listen. You'll probably be shocked to learn how common this actually is with teens.
I wish you both well.

steppemum · 16/11/2021 07:17

@Monty27

OP I feel your pain. I was often on here bewailing ds' behaviour from that age. By 16 he was smoking weed at every opportunity and selling his stuff I'd bought him to finance it. He's wrecked furniture in the past, all sorts of shenanigans. I was a single parent since he was a toddler and his df was useless. I'm afraid to say I had to ride the storm. It was a very dark time and I really did consider farming him out to social services at one point. The only advice I can offer is to try to communicate. Pick your battles by priority. It's really really difficult. I had great support on here at the time. You'll never be alone. You're not alone. Any time he had school or personal problems I always had his back. I had a sympathy for him because of his df being what he was. DS is 25 now and still lives with me and adores me. Even if he's still a messy git. I'm always here to listen. You'll probably be shocked to learn how common this actually is with teens. I wish you both well.

That is so encouraging. I look at my 14 year old and wonder if she will ever come through the other side. Good to hear your story, thanks

Monty27 · 21/11/2021 02:12

Thank you @steppemum carry on loving and supportong them. Within reason obviously. They're at their wits end trying to make sense of themselves. Eventually we related. It was a rocky road. It takes all of your strength at times but the other side is reachable. 💐

Luzina · 21/11/2021 02:17

@CherryBlossomAutumn

If it helps, I have a lovely older teenager but we both didn’t have it easy. I think *@Mamacarrot* was saying OK things. I’d question the aggression and defensiveness. I have a friend who is wanting to ‘just rant’ but you know what - we have to do something - and we can do lots, really lots. Doesn’t change overnight but it can get better.

I had a teenager who was quite difficult. Single parent here, struggling also with a younger child with SEN. So I totally get it. The biggest difference by far was when I changed aspects of myself. I had to take a step back, a massive one. One of the best things is:

start to tell them every single day one thing that you like about them. Even if it’s small.
scale back the demands on them. Give them a break.
pick your battles. Prioritise their safety, our safety.
never get into battles. Back off. Show them how to calm down, by calming down.

This is really good advice IMO

I know families who have found NVR courses really really helpful

blahblahblah2000 · 21/11/2021 02:23

I hear you all. It’s the toughest thing I’ve done parenting wise. Any discipline escalates the situation. I’m interested in the “partnering not parenting” concept for older teens as they are super resistant to any advice /parenting /rules. Even the psychologist / psychiatrist are finding the teen challenging. Has anyone tried it successfully? I’ve ordered a book but it hasn’t arrived yet.

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 23/11/2021 12:24

I am v grateful to have found this thread. My dd - 16 - falls into this category and it is physically and emotionally draining. I would agree that consequences escalate the situation; but it’s v difficult to see bad behaviour go unchallenged. We bought tickets yesterday to a play she wanted to see as a treat after a teacher praised her contribution in class. She stormed off for some minor reason and we just limped home having wasted over £100. The only lesson I learn is not to offer these things in the first place. My bottom line is school attendance but even this is challenging right now. The GP is involved and the school nurse but they are not really cutting through. We have been in the trenches for years. I am just hoping that this time will pass and that Uni will offer some relief all round - but that’s some time off. I really pick my battles. The conflict is in her head it seems to me, and we are the punchbag. It hurts but everyday we try and suck it up and move on.

LefttoherownDevizes · 23/11/2021 12:35

Soon to be 13yo DS is heading this way, he's taken in with a group of mates that seems to prioritise pi**ing about and behaving badly over anything else. Contact from school frequently about behaviour.

Issue we have is his awful it is for his siblings, they hate him for how he behaves but sadly meet his behaviour with aggression. And think we're being soft on him (as when he's'on one' there's no point trying to do anything, they see this as weakness).

So so hard trying to hold them all together

50ShadesOfCatholic · 23/11/2021 12:35

Jesus OP that business of him ripping the sheets off your bed and emptying your drawers is appalling. Let's call it what it is, abuse. You cannot on any level condone this, he needs fast and severe consequences.

I think you need to get professional support for yourself so you feel strong enough to deal with him. Somewhere along the line he has learnt that it's OK for him to abuse his mum he needs to unlearn that. And it needs to happen now before his ways become entrenched and he becomes more violent.

I have called the police on one of my children and it worked like a charm. They were so supportive of me and very kind but firm with her. There was a second call some months later but then she turned a corner and is now back to her lovely self.

Teens have a lot to cope with, raging hormones and the complexities of navigating relationships, the anxiety about fitting in etc. But at no point is it ok for them to express their turmoil through violence.