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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How can I help my DS 16 studying abroad, feeling lost and depressed

36 replies

SortCode · 02/11/2021 00:56

DS in The States studying and playing a sport, living with host family who he loves, been there since August. Everythings been fine, he's been happy but lately not so good.

Today he says...
Not eating properly no appetite
Not sleeping
Doesnt want to mix with anyone or talk to anyone
Doesnt know what is wrong with him
Feels low

I think it's a combination of he's abit homesick, misses his friends here, emotional, knackered as has travelled/flown every weekend for matches for past 5 weeks sometimes leaving Thurs back late Sunday, I think all of that has made him depressed. Sports coach has been quite tough on him and a few others think that's got to him. Also on off g.friend here theyve had a few words etc over the weeks but seems to have sorted it, not healthy but they sort of support each other long distance

We messaged back and forth today as he didnt want to facetime said his head wasnt right but we kept chatting via text etc. which was good.

Ive told him all the above and all right things like...

Try and eat little but often
Drink water
Long soak in a hot bath
Switch off phone/limit screentime before bed (this wont happen though Im sure)
Even try listening to quiet music or podcast
Talk to host Mum or I can mention it

Nothing seems to be going in, he keeps saying I dont know why Im feeling like this. I cant even do normal things like eat and sleep. I dont want to do anything or speak to host mum just me

Im so worried. I cant go out there.

He says in the US men have to be men cant admit to feeling like this is frowned upon.

Ive said I will check in everyday with him and we can keep talking.

He is back in Dec for 2 weeks in around 7 weeks time. I said this and it wont be long, but he just didnt seemed bothered kept saying that wont make him feel better.

Any advice anyone???

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 02/11/2021 01:04

Apart from coming back in December, how long is he meant to be out there?

Etinoxaurus · 02/11/2021 01:19

Let him know he can come home. Suggest he sticks it out until December, something might shift, but 16 is very young to be so far away. It doesn’t sound like he’s coping.

JacquelineCarlyle · 02/11/2021 01:44

Agree with the others - let him know that he can actually come home anytime. He's not stuck there. Id also speak to the host mum so that she can talk to him directly.

fairlygoodmother · 02/11/2021 02:20

What kind of organization is he there with? If it's a sports club or a school they will have mental health resources to help him, if they are regularly recruiting teenagers from abroad especially this kind of situation must happen all the time.

I can't exactly picture what kind of set up he is in but I would be really surprised if they weren't resourced to help him with this kind of thing.

Can he actually come home? Is he under contract? Or is this the only way to advance in his sport?

I'm sorry, it must be so worrying for you.

Kanaloa · 02/11/2021 03:17

To be honest everything hasn’t really been fine though. From your past threads it sounds like everything was quite poorly researched and last minute (trying to get visa one week before he left, suddenly realising the school he’s at is awful and trying to move him).

I’m confused as to how he’s got the idea ‘men have to be men’ and you can’t have feelings in the USA. In my experience American schools also have good pastoral care and people to talk to but of course you have to reach out, they don’t know how you’re feeling.

I would tell him if he wants to come home he can. This all sounds like he wasn’t properly prepared to be away from home for so long.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 02/11/2021 03:20

Poor kid.
I would be really worried if it was my son, it’s so far from home.

CakesOfVersailles · 02/11/2021 03:34

I am a big fan of allowing teenagers to go away from home to pursue education and other opportunities. I am also a big fan of knowing when to call it quits. When he comes home in December, can he stay home if he wants to? Is he under any sort of contract? How long is he meant to be in the USA?

I would encourage him to stay until his flight home in December but tell him he doesn't have to go back to America if it isn't working. And if it has all gone really wrong and this isn't just a few days of wobbles, I would get him on a flight home much sooner.

Has he told you not to speak to his host parents? Can you call them? Surely they will have noticed if a young athlete isn't eating much in their home.

Does he have someone in the team e.g. a manager who he can speak to or who you can speak to? If they are recruiting under 18s from abroad they really should have a good support system.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/11/2021 04:27

Bring him home. It sounds like he's actually developing depression and it won't be helped by being so far away from home. He's only 16 and this is too much for him.

Quitelikeacatslife · 02/11/2021 04:41

I'd need someone on the ground there knowing how he feels, host family but also coach and ask about system /procedure for pastoral/wellbeing support. It may be someone at school needs to override coach pressure.
Totally agree with others to research him not going back after Christmas, let him know you will sort it all out. Look into colleges here now , talk to old school sixth form and get him options. He mustn't feel he has let anyone down if he first this just had an interesting tome away and has rest of his life to sort his potential. I'd keep admin things and worries over that away from him just give him clear message that it's ok to come home whenever he wants.
His well-being is the only thing that matters here

Unmerited · 02/11/2021 04:52

I would offer him the option to come home. Is there no way you can visit him if not? Isn’t the US opening up to visitors very soon?

MinimumChips · 02/11/2021 04:59

I would speak with the organisation he’s travelled with and with his host family to make sure they’re aware of how he’s feeling. I’d also make sure he knows he can come home and that it’s not a failure to do so.

I went on exchange half way around the world when I was 16. I was supposed to stay for a year. It unfortunately coincided with my first episode of major depression and panic attacks (I think I was quite depressed before I left, in reality, and just didn’t realise, and I’ve had a several extended episodes of depression since). I came home after just 2.5 months as I was rapidly descending towards suicidal thoughts. For a while I felt like I’d failed at the first thing I ever tried to do by myself in life and it was devastating, despite reassurances from my family and my friends being happy I was back. But I recovered and went on to have a great year back at home.

waterrat · 02/11/2021 22:54

I would be calling and speaking to adults around him and making it very clear I am v worried about him. I agree 16 is young to be abroad like this. Could you fly to see him ? Or pay for him to come home for a week?

waterrat · 02/11/2021 22:55

I would also make it very clear to him that he can come home anytime he likes and doesn't have to wait til Xmas. He is still a child after all

RunnerDown · 02/11/2021 23:03

I would tell him that he can come home anytime, and that he shouldn’t feel bad or worried about it if that’s what he wants to do .. He’s still very young and there will be lots of other opportunities for him. Explain that it doesn’t mean he has failed - it’s just that this experience isn’t the right one for him at this point in his life. His health and well-being is absolutely the most important thing.
Maybe that’s what he wants - but he feels that he would be letting you down if he said that. So you have to make the suggestion.

secretbookcase · 02/11/2021 23:10

I'd tell him he can come home any time he wants and that it would in no way be a sign of failure to choose to do something that makes him feel happier. It's a strong decision to drop out of something that is damaging your mental health. Any coach who bullies 16-year-olds who are away from home is a nasty shit and you don't want him in charge of your child's wellbeing. Remind him he is young and sport is a tiny part of life. It is supposed to be enjoyable not damaging.

Does he have much control over other aspects of his life? Can he choose to go out in the evenings once or twice a week to the cinema or bowling or rollerblading or swimming or for a pizza with friends he has made over there? If life is just sports practise and school thousands of miles from home for months, no wonder he feels low.

If he wants to tough it out, stay in touch often. Maybe talk with the host mom and ask if she can watch out for the coach's tactics. Intervene if necessary.

Could you visit him? Could you send him some UK food favourites that he misses (order them from a US website so the parcel won't get opened in customs) Send him emails and texts and photos and presents. Bombard him with love and discuss what he wants for Christmas in terms of presents and food and outings, so he has stuff to look forward to if he can't cut the visit short.

MrsBobDylan · 02/11/2021 23:18

From the symptoms he describes, he is very depressed.

I would contact the host Mum and start making plans to get him home ASAP.

I have a fair bit of experience now with a male child with depression and anxiety. The bits they tell you about are generally the tip of an iceberg.

MrsBobDylan · 02/11/2021 23:22

I also think if you give him the choice of whether to stay or go, we won't leave because he will feel like he has failed. So he might tell you things are much better now and you don't need to worry, all the while feeling worse and worse.

Please don't risk it. Tell him he isn't well and he has done a great job to manage over the last two months, but you are taking over now and he can just relax because he's coming home.

Hekk · 02/11/2021 23:22

I think you have to speak to the host mum. Surely that's the point of her.

CharlieFarl1e · 02/11/2021 23:23

I'd be telling my son I was booking him a flight home. He's very young to be managing all this and a host mum isn't your actual mum is she?

Hekk · 02/11/2021 23:25

I'd also give him a way of saving face - that you can't afford it any more, or something like that.

Hellocatshome · 02/11/2021 23:32

There must be mental health support in place either through the school, the sports team or the organisation arranging host families etc. The USA in general is very big on mental health. If there isn't then I would question if it is the right environment for 16 year olds so far away from home.

TheOccupier · 02/11/2021 23:32

Could he come home for the thanksgiving break at the end of this month? Think Americans get a few days off then.

Hekk · 02/11/2021 23:34

@Kanaloa

I would tell him if he wants to come home he can. This all sounds like he wasn’t properly prepared to be away from home for so long.

Why was that necessary? I've read old threads now and don't get that impression. We're in the middle of a pandemic, it's difficult to plan anything.

Kanaloa · 02/11/2021 23:53

I wasn’t trying to be cruel/mean. I just think it’s a bit misleading to say everything’s been happy and great so far when it sounds like it seriously hasn’t. It sounds like there wasn’t a lot of preparation for the boy and there wasn’t a lot of research done into it.

It’s not surprising he would feel down when he arrived, found the school was terrible and not what he expected, had to be uprooted and move. It’s not surprising that he would feel all mixed up after that.

Kanaloa · 02/11/2021 23:54

And I don’t think the pandemic would have much of an effect on being sent to an extremely poor school for academics - I would think that would have all been checked beforehand and it wasn’t.

What I’m trying to say is it sounds like it was a bad setup from the start and I would bring the boy home - it doesn’t sound like he was set up for this very well. And maybe he could try it again when he’s older and better prepared.

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