DD13 thinks I am mean to her and never to DS16.

[couchparsnip]

For example. DS has to self isolate this week so I asked him what he wants in for his lunches. He picks some salad and chicken. DD asks if she can have some Doritos and I say no because that's not the same thing. That's a snack which she has pocket money for.
She had to isolate last week and we had various lunches in because it was half term. She thinks that's not fair and she didn't get anything special for lunch when she had Covid.
She then goes ballistic because DS is getting nice things and she isn't.
Apparently I'm mean to her and not to DS.
To be fair, DS is less trouble and I do have to tell DD off more often. I rarely have to ask DS to bring crockery down from his room whereas DD will let milk fester in glasses for days before I eventually venture in there and retrieve it. Banning milk from her room hasn't worked. This morning I had three glasses of stinky gone off milk to get rid of so I told her off and made her sort it out in the hope that she won't leave them next time. I'm thinking the two things in one day have made her see red.

I can't treat them equally if they don't act the same way though can I!

How do I handle this with Dd? So far I haven't handled it well as telling her she is being ridiculous has obviously not worked and made her go into a strop. I don't think I need to apologise but how should I handle it?

You make her pay for Doritos out of her pocket money?

You make her buy Doritos from pocket money?! Really?!

Well, she isn’t wrong, you do nice things for one and not the other. Your reasoning is because your son is a delight and she is not.

If you treat someone like that, doesn’t give much reason for them to be considerate of others too.

Just buy the Doritos OP! In your eyes it's a case of healthy vs junk, in her eyes it's food for her brother vs no food for her. Food = love to kids, especially teens.

Pick your battles!

This is really normal OP. IME most kids think their sibling is treated better than them! I just say "I try really hard to be fair between you" and explain why - but if one of them notices something that, on thinking it over, I agree is inconsistent, then I do apologise. But if you have been fair then lots of calm statements like "I would be cross with DS too if I found three glasses of old milk in his room" (try to avoid saying "but he never does that") or "I wouldn't have let DS choose Doritos for lunch either" etc etc.

@Imknackeredzzz

You make her buy Doritos from pocket money?! Really?!

Oh yeah that's tantamount to child abuse - after all teenagers have a divine right to endless junk food

You can't treat them equally OP.
I think just let the dust settle and be mindful in future that you have the same expectations of their behaviours and offer them the same opportunities.

Perhaps if you can schedule the odd mother-daughter time and hang out with DD one on one that might help? It sounds like she's seeking reassurance

It sounds like you might be growing apart - natural at this age but pay attention to it.

I think you could both use some lovely quality time together to bond your relationship. Treat her, show her just how much you do love her.

The closeness you can create now will serve you both well in the future years.

@WaltzingBetty
It’s not that, it just seems really petty to ask a child what special treat they’d like while isolating from Covid and then when they ask for Doritos, be like, no pay for it yourself because you did not ask for chicken or salad like your older brother.

I've got 3 DC and somebody always thinks I'm being mean to them and not to someone else! Usually the eldest (16) says I never tell thr youngest off. Mainly because he's not around all the time!

I'd have bought the doritos though!

To be fair, DS is less trouble and I do have to tell DD off more often.

DD is 13 to his 16, so I wonder if perhaps the constant comparing of them to each other will always be in DS favour as he is 3yrs older and therefore more mature? In other words DS isn’t better DC, he is just older.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@WaltzingBetty
It’s not that, it just seems really petty to ask a child what special treat they’d like while isolating from Covid and then when they ask for Doritos, be like, no pay for it yourself because you did not ask for chicken or salad like your older brother.[/quote]
I didn’t ask what special treat DS would like though, I just asked what he'd like for lunch. He would normally be at school.so we didn't have much in.
I am also paying for DD to get whatever she wants for lunch from school. She could get crisps there if she wants them.

In answer to a couple of people. Yes we do have mother daughter time.
2 weeks ago we went to London on the train, had a lovely time doing some touristy things and shipping.
I do try not to compare them but they are constantly comparing how each one is treated and complaining that its not fair when one gets something!

*shopping

Do the school have Doritos?

I dunno, I would have bought the Doritos myself. It’s not a hill I’d die on with teenagers. You’ve asked both of them what they would like and fulfilled DS request, but not your DDs request. I can see how she would view that as unfair.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@WaltzingBetty
It’s not that, it just seems really petty to ask a child what special treat they’d like while isolating from Covid and then when they ask for Doritos, be like, no pay for it yourself because you did not ask for chicken or salad like your older brother.[/quote]
Except that's not what happened.
Might be worth re-reading the OP before jumping to conclusions

Why shouldn't her DD buy snacks with her pocket money?

If DS17 wants things like Cola, Oreos and Doritos, he gets them with his money. I wouldn't buy those in "for lunches" but would buy the five counties cheese he thinks is the bees knees, or some Pitts bread or some berries etc.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@WaltzingBetty
It’s not that, it just seems really petty to ask a child what special treat they’d like while isolating from Covid and then when they ask for Doritos, be like, no pay for it yourself because you did not ask for chicken or salad like your older brother.[/quote]
The DD isn't isolating from covid though... She just asked for Doritos to have for lunches, Which in OPs house isn't a lunch food option. Had she asked for ham and some grapes, I'm sure OP would have obliged.

I really don't know about this. However it came about, the fact remains that your daughter had, in her week of isolation, whatever you already had in for lunch - your son has been allowed to choose. And then you won't buy her some bloody corn chips. If you're a 13-year-old-girl who already feels marginalised, it's grist to the mill, really.

God grief can't believe people are hung up about the Doritos!

If it makes you feel any better OP one time my DC's counted to see if they both had the same amount of peas on their plate, to make sure they were being treated the same.

They were young teenagers at the time!!!

Are people saying parents should buy treats for kids whenever they want them? Not how it works here! Offering lunch options is completely different to offering random treats on a Monday. And unless the DD had worse lunch options than salad and chicken (I’m presuming it’s just regular salad and chicken and not a Nandos for example), then there shouldn’t be an issue.

God grief can't believe people are hung up about the Doritos!
From the perspective of a hard-done-by 13yo girl though, the issue IS the Doritos!

I’m still FEWMIN 32 years after The Great Unfair Opal Fruits incident. Fairness and food is warfare!

Sorry but why are people saying the DD should just get Doritos because her mum is making her brother lunch at home? Such a weird argument. Kids don't get to pick and choose snacks and treats. His mum is making him lunch not giving him snacks and treats.

Don't even think about it OP - siblings just bicker like this all the time. Just stick to your line.

It is all about the Doritos though to the DD.
DC will fixate on perceived small injustices as symbolic of overall favouritism.

@hotmeatymilk

God grief can't believe people are hung up about the Doritos! From the perspective of a hard-done-by 13yo girl though, the issue IS the Doritos!

I’m still FEWMIN 32 years after The Great Unfair Opal Fruits incident. Fairness and food is warfare!

Hahaha! Yes I too have never forgotten the fact that I was sent to bed while my YOUNGER brother got to stay up and watch The Great Escape on TV. And that was ... OMFG over 40 years ago!!

So I concede that Doritosgate is a huge blow to a teenage girl! Maybe the poster should invest in counselling for her.

I would talk to your dd and find out fully why she feels like this, I was around her age when I told my mum she doesn't care about me and she also ignored it, however that was how I felt and still feel to this day. It could just be that she's being a teenager having a strop or maybe something more is going on that you aren't seeing.