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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Can you emotionally detach from your child?

37 replies

Comingup · 27/10/2021 21:11

I've posted before. I love my 17 year old son with all my heart but he hates me and I need to somehow accept it as I cannot live like this anymore. The more I show him that I love and value him ,the more bullying and abusive he is. He refuses to do anything asked of him, tells me I'm blackmailing him if I ask him to do anything ,makes fun of me and enjoys me being upset. He is aggressive and hostile. I have other children,all who love and respect me, and I have been the best parent I could to them and focused 100% on bringing them up.
I've read the books on attachment,explosive child,kept journals, sought help, tried to understand ( read up on PDA/ODD/Aspergers)I'm just done. Whatever the reason.
It is affecting my mental health so badly now, and I know he won't change. I'm so heartbroken. For him, for me.
He fought with me this morning, has gone out, knows it upsets me but ignored my texts, didn't answer the phone..his way of saying " I'll show her". I don't want to feel like this anymore.He seems to delight in spoiling anything I try to do , he did come to my birthday meal but refused to speak, wouldn't chose food , and deliberately spilled and blew salt at people from the table. Then kicked his brothers underneath the table. I honestly do not know what to do, I can't think straight.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 27/10/2021 21:13

Any chance he can go live with his father for a while. It sounds exhausting

Original poster
Comingup · 27/10/2021 21:16

No dad or family unfortunately

OP posts:
mummywithtwokidsplusdog · 27/10/2021 21:18

You poor thing. No wonder you are feeling this way. Can he go and stay with another relative for a while? He needs to understand that whilst you love him you also respect yourself and his behaviour is unacceptable. Take care 💐

Original poster
Comingup · 27/10/2021 21:23

There's absolutely nobody unfortunately. He wouldn't go even if there was..

OP posts:
mummywithtwokidsplusdog · 27/10/2021 21:24

Oh goodness- that’s so tough. How is he at school/college/work?

Durbeyfield · 27/10/2021 21:29

You absolutely must not blame or give yourself a hard time over this. As soon as he is old enough he needs to leave home; you will still love him but you have your own well-being to think about. Are there mental health issues?

SavoyCabbage · 27/10/2021 21:31

God, he sounds bloody awful. Hopefully he will come out of the other end.

Is he in year 13?

I’d be making it quite clear he needs to make plans to start living elsewhere when the school year is over.

You don’t have to put up,with being treated like this in your own home. 💐

WonderfulYou · 27/10/2021 22:00

What does he do, does he work or go to college?

It sounds awful for you.

tensmum1964 · 28/10/2021 08:42

I personally don't think that we can emotionally detach however that doesn't mean you have to put up with his abuse. It sounds like its time for him to leave. That may mean a hostel or a friends sofa but he needs to be held accountable for his behaviour. It won't be easy but at least if he isn't living with you there will be some respite for you all.

lljkk · 28/10/2021 09:43

I do emotionally detach & am a little baffled when other ppl don't (but are suffering because they don't).

It doesn't mean I stop caring or trying, but I accept that there's only so much I can do & me being unhappy doesn't help them.

I suspect I emotionally detach easily because I'm full of self-doubt -- obviously I may not know best which means that emotionally detaching is sensible when I may not know best for them.

it seems to me like OP is describing a lot of attention-seeking - so I'm thinking back to basics, Give him attention when he's not trouble & a few comments like "You'd be very upset if we treated you like that" etc . You're trying to guide & influence them, but knowing your influence is limited.

I'm a fan of tough love when someone else is being intolerable, but obviously it's an extreme option.

Arren12 · 28/10/2021 09:49

I run a program that helps parents take back control and I also run sessions with parents and children together to rebuild a relationship. I work for a service within my local authority. Can you contact social services and ask for such support. Its domestic abuse even though its coming from your child. There should be domestic abuse services in your area.

Arren12 · 28/10/2021 09:52

You mentioned Aspergers does he have a diagnosis of autism because if not I'd be seeking one and also as above contacting the disability social workers.
Good luck op its very hard. My daughter can be violent and mean but she's only 8, I am able to imagine how awful this is from a bigger child.

Moonface123 · 28/10/2021 09:55

Change tactics, observe but don't absorb his moods, behaviour etc. Pay as little attention as possible, keep calm, focus on you and other children. .
He sounds quite angry, that's not your fault, at 17 you are not responsible for fixing all his issues, he has to learn to start doing that.
You sound a lovely Mum and once he finally matures he will appreciate all that you do, and have done for him.

RepentBirthingPersonFucker · 28/10/2021 09:55

I can and have done
My DC has been very challenging, violent and abusive. I had a police alarm for a while when the domestic violence was bad
The violence was almost easier to cope with than the verbal abuse because I knew they were out of control and, for most of the violence, disassociated
During the verbally abusive times I switched off to them and was quite cold. I told them that I loved them and would feed/clothe/do the basics buy I'm not here to be abused and would not engage or do anything extra for them
That's what I did
Is your DS consistent or does the abusive behaviour fluctuate?
I should sat there are reasons why my child acts as they do

romdowa · 28/10/2021 09:56

The grey rock method is used alot for abusive family members and could be helpful here. It sounds like he is acting out for attention, so grey rock could be the way to go

RepentBirthingPersonFucker · 28/10/2021 09:58

Non violent resistance is worth reading. There is a short, very readable book and, if you think it is for you, training you can go on
I pick and choose from NVR because my DC is very oppositional and some of the techniques just don't work

SunnySideDownBriefly · 28/10/2021 10:12

This sounds like a really intense relationship. I would back off 100% and give him space. Don't interact with him unless he shows you he wants that interaction - just silently do your thing and stay in the background for him. He's got things going on in his head and it isn't about you - you're the punching bag.

How is he with his friends and at school/college? Is he getting on OK apart from his relationship with you and the family?

BlueJag · 28/10/2021 10:17

Tik tok. Let him know that his time is running out. He has to make plans to live away from you. University or a job and I don't know if you can help him for a few months but he needs to make a plan asap.

Original poster
Comingup · 28/10/2021 12:11

I honestly try not to interact much .. more his choice as he is either in his room,at college,work or job. He doesn't come where I am unless he wants something. He doesn't eat with me. But if there is anything I do need him to do that I can't avoid, I will ask and then it's immediate kick off.
He has no diagnosis, school didn't think he warranted one, and Cahms were hopeless.

His friends are his everything and he acts very "cool" around them, like he's a big man along with them. They some,drink and smoke weed and now he does it too.
@RepentBirthingPersonFucker
If I don't say no to him or place any demands on him, he can be OK. If he is challenged or refused something he loses the plot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Comingup · 28/10/2021 12:16

@romdowa yes I have grey rocked so many times but I lost it with him yesterday, which he finds brilliantly entertaining and replies in this horrible sing song way " ooh there's a mad woman" etc. I can't explain how horrible it is. Totally soul destroying.
The last time I didn't give in or lose my temper, he hid my phone and charger, and then said he would smash the house and " watch how I would regret it". Then had the nerve to send me an excerpt about being kind loving and supportive to your children.

OP posts:
WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 28/10/2021 12:20

Would he attend counselling?
Would he agree to move into his own place with support?

onelittlefrog · 28/10/2021 12:22

He sounds extremely unhappy, OP.

Is he getting any help? From college or any other services involved with him? Even if he won't listen to/ communicate with you, he needs some support and guidance from somewhere or he will have huge problems transitioning to adulthood.

There is always a reason for behaviours like this. He is communicating something.

PacificState · 28/10/2021 12:24

Gosh. His behaviour sounds really unbearable. My older DS can be a pain in the bum sometimes and there were points over this summer where I had to really bite my tongue - but nothing on the scale you describe, especially the deliberate emotional cruelty and verbal abuse.

In your shoes I honestly think I would be contemplating chucking him out - waiting until he's out, changing the locks, and putting all his stuff in the garden with a note. I'm not saying it would be easy or would even necessarily work, but he's gone way beyond normal teen shittiness there and I think you would be absolutely justified in prioritising your own well-being and the well-being of any other kids still at home with you.

This is all aside from the other conversation about possible diagnoses and behavioural difficulties - not an area I know anything about.

17 is definitely old enough to experience serious consequences for deliberate and sustained shitty behaviour to your mum (or anyone else) IMO

onelittlefrog · 28/10/2021 12:27

In your position I would be talking to the college.

He is 17 so presumably in his last year? You will be amazed at how quickly any kind of support will drop off once he turns 18, so you need to act fast with this.

You need to get on the phone to college and tell them all of your concerns about him, and basically demand their help. From what you've said about his behaviour and reactions I would be amazed if there is not something deeper going on that warrants a diagnosis of some kind, but you sometimes do need to be very pushy to get it.

Please keep fighting for both of you. Don't give up on him, he is obviously very troubled.

onelittlefrog · 28/10/2021 12:30

@PacificState

Gosh. His behaviour sounds really unbearable. My older DS can be a pain in the bum sometimes and there were points over this summer where I had to really bite my tongue - but nothing on the scale you describe, especially the deliberate emotional cruelty and verbal abuse.

In your shoes I honestly think I would be contemplating chucking him out - waiting until he's out, changing the locks, and putting all his stuff in the garden with a note. I'm not saying it would be easy or would even necessarily work, but he's gone way beyond normal teen shittiness there and I think you would be absolutely justified in prioritising your own well-being and the well-being of any other kids still at home with you.

This is all aside from the other conversation about possible diagnoses and behavioural difficulties - not an area I know anything about.

17 is definitely old enough to experience serious consequences for deliberate and sustained shitty behaviour to your mum (or anyone else) IMO

Sorry but this is terrible advice.

If you kick him out of his home then you will basically lose him and he will transition into adulthood with zero support.

17 is such a pivotal age and for a kid this troubled you actually need to hold them even tighter and make sure they know they are supported. There is obviously some part of him that is feeling vulnerable, insecure, lonely, unsafe or whatever, and all of this is his way of coping with perceived threats.

To start unpicking all of that isn't gonna be easy, but you don't start by chucking him out of the house. That will simply store up problems for the future.