Can you emotionally detach from your child?

[Comingup]

I've posted before. I love my 17 year old son with all my heart but he hates me and I need to somehow accept it as I cannot live like this anymore. The more I show him that I love and value him ,the more bullying and abusive he is. He refuses to do anything asked of him, tells me I'm blackmailing him if I ask him to do anything ,makes fun of me and enjoys me being upset. He is aggressive and hostile. I have other children,all who love and respect me, and I have been the best parent I could to them and focused 100% on bringing them up.
I've read the books on attachment,explosive child,kept journals, sought help, tried to understand ( read up on PDA/ODD/Aspergers)I'm just done. Whatever the reason.
It is affecting my mental health so badly now, and I know he won't change. I'm so heartbroken. For him, for me.
He fought with me this morning, has gone out, knows it upsets me but ignored my texts, didn't answer the phone..his way of saying " I'll show her". I don't want to feel like this anymore.He seems to delight in spoiling anything I try to do , he did come to my birthday meal but refused to speak, wouldn't chose food , and deliberately spilled and blew salt at people from the table. Then kicked his brothers underneath the table. I honestly do not know what to do, I can't think straight.

@onelittlefrog the OP says he is being abusive. At some point surely if his behaviour continues, it will be necessary to ask him to leave for the safety of OP and the other DC. Yes, try and find support but if that is lacking or he is unwilling to co-operate then leaving home must be an option. You wouldn’t expect someone to live with an abusive partner.

I get what you're saying @onelittlefrog and I know nothing about possible LA or education services support so defer to posters who know more about that than I do.

I'm not a hang 'em and flog 'em parent, not at all (I think you and I have been in agreement on other threads about challenging children!)

I think what leapt out about this one for me though is that the OP sounds so ground down, like her 'fuck YOU' self-protective response has been metaphorically beaten out of her. And I think sometimes - just sometimes, when it's really necessary to our own integrity and self-worth, we need to be able to summon the 'fuck YOU', especially where adult children are concerned.

I believe you could accompany him to a social housing authority type place with a written note that you are having to throw him out on x date. They then put him high up on the waiting list to find housing.

@onelittlefrog I have asked college for help. They don't provide it. All they do is invite him to support sessions which he won't go to. Then they email telling me he has had a "good day" and he falls off the radar again. I've spoken and emailed them numerous times and asked for pastoral help.

@PacificState I am ground down. I'm honestly fed up of analysing, trying to understand, minimising acheiments of siblings in case it worsens things etc etc. I cannot get through to him no matter how I try, and how would he engage with any service when he refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong.

I wonder @Comingup whether one way forward might be for you to go and ask your GP for help for yourself - and let them draw your son's story out of you. Maybe they will be able to get an emergency referral for him or some sort of respite care - sorry, I realise there are probably people reading this laughing hollowly at the prospect of getting any respite. But a good and motivated GP might be the advocate you need right now. And I think you do need someone in your corner (who isn't your child) to speak up for what you need in this situation.

I think just from the way you've spoken here you're exhausted and stressed and possibly at risk of depression - not to mention abusive and controlling behaviour from your son - and a good GP will spot that. They may also know the wrinkles in terms of specialist support, maybe via small charities, that is available locally for you.

Might be worth a shot? If it doesn't work you won't have lost anything.

I think it’s time he moved out.

I'm not trying to pry op and you don't have to answer at all but has something happened with his father? He could be suffering from trauma of some sort. It dosnt help you but at least it gives a reason for such behavior (not an excuse) and gives anyone who is willing to work with him some place to start.

I see you have tried to get support and its totally unfair and frustrating but in such situations it real is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. See you GP, ring social care, look into charities in your area, barnardos etc and don't take no for an answer. Make a lot of noise and fuss if you have to. I realize that's very difficult when you have been beaten down but try dig deep here. Your son other children and yourself needs this.

@onelittlefrog

He sounds extremely unhappy, OP.

Is he getting any help? From college or any other services involved with him? Even if he won't listen to/ communicate with you, he needs some support and guidance from somewhere or he will have huge problems transitioning to adulthood.

There is always a reason for behaviours like this. He is communicating something.

He is 'communicating' the fact that he is a spoilt, arrogant and disrespectful teenager. And why would he need a diagnosis? Being an aggressive and obnoxious teenager isn't an illness. As others have said, I would give him an ultimatum. Either he treats you with politeness and respect, or he starts planning where to live as soon as he is 18.

To the pp yes I have seen my GP for myself and they offered me the counselling waiting list. Nothing for him except Frank helpline

We lost their dad a few years ago to illness and all had bereavement counselling

Sorry to hear that @Comingup. That must have been very tough for all of you. And probably has an ongoing impact as well.

As others have said, I think you will have to try to summon the strength here to make yourself a squeaky wheel - with your GP, with social services/youth service at your council (if you ring up saying you are on the verge of making him homeless they might pull their fingers out?) - just be absolutely relentless about ringing people for help, be the name they absolutely don't want to see on their callback list (obviously I don't mean being rude, but be absolutely implacable and persistent until it's easier to deal with you than it is to ignore you). Do you have a local Citizens Advice Bureau you can approach? Volunteers there can be really useful advocates or again might be able to signpost you to smaller organisations that can offer specialist support.

Op. Same situation here big hugs..there really is no help. I too feel hopeless x