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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dss has just walked out with most of his clothes to go and stay with his grandmother.

40 replies

CarmenerryChristmas · 10/12/2007 21:50

He has been behaving fairly appallingly recently (parties when we were away, lying, running up debt, totally disrespectful attitude to both of us, bordering on the aggressive with me). He is 19 in January.

His dad sent him an email(he was away) to say that if he didn't change his attitude he would have to move out. Since then he has stayed in his bedroom but not apologised. His dad has been back since Friday and has yet to speak to him as is waiting for an apology.

The final straw was today when dp opened a bank letter for dss because there had been messages from the bank on the house phone for him and he lied about them so he was suspicious.

It said that he had run up 130 quid(despite having no overdraft and no credit card) and that it was with the collections dept and that if it wasn't paid in two days he would have bad credit or that proceedings would start against him.

So he came in and I just told him how utterly dissappointed in him we both were

He has been behaving as if he is a fecking trustafarian with a full domestic staff ffs, whilst we are working are backsides off. His attitude and the way he speaks to me in my own home is dreadful. and before anyone has a go at me for not treating him well, I have been a constant emotional and caring supporter of him for the past four and a half years. I have been 150% more of a mother to him than his own mother has. I have put up with a lot and given him all the love I have had.
But I draw the line at being spoken to as if I am shit.

So his first reaction is to be a total coward and run off to his gm. which is what I told him. I have just given him the most truthful and heartfelt lecture I could. I love him very much but he is not being allowed to develop into a spineless, lying arrogant tosser on my watch.

His dad, for a change, supports me 100 per cent.

I am tired, emotional and very, very upset

OP posts:
FAWKEOFFwiththetinsel · 10/12/2007 21:52

(((((((huge hug)))))))))))

Saturn74 · 10/12/2007 21:54

Carmenere .
He'll come round.
Sounds like you've handled it all really well, and you're right, he can't be allowed to behave as he has recently.
He'll realise that he's behaved like a bit of a brat, and he'll come round.

onlyjoking9329 · 10/12/2007 22:00

sorry that this has happened to you but it sounds like this was the wake up call he needs, he just doesn't yet know he needed it.

Original poster
CarmenerryChristmas · 10/12/2007 22:02

thanks, when he left he was nearly crying
he wants to move into his friends flat but he has no money. He said his mate said he could move in for a few months without paying rent. But I told him that was being spineless and childish too. I told him if he stays here and faces his problems like a man we will support him 100 per cent and help him to save up and move properly.

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misspiggy · 10/12/2007 22:02

I fully sympathise Carmenere. We're going through a similar phase with DS1 (17) - no money troubles, AFAIK, but the sense of entitlement and borderline aggression (only verbal I should point out)whe he doesn't get his own way is very hard to stomach isn't it?

Where does his GM stand on these issues? Will she let him have a cooling off period then try and talk some sense into him?

Poor you having to deal with this while DH is away.

ItWasOnlyAWintersTellus · 10/12/2007 22:05

What does he do? Study, work?

CodRestYeMerryGentelmen · 10/12/2007 22:06

good for you
the amonunt of crap young men we see in court whose relationships breka up and hten they go back tot heiri mums or theuirmums pay off debts etc#

do not eb a doormat

Original poster
CarmenerryChristmas · 10/12/2007 22:11

He is doing a chefs course in college and has a job on Fridays and for the holidays in a really smart London restaurant. He is getting incredible experience (alongside Pierre Koffmann).

We are really worried that he will mess this up though as, although he loves it and is very good at it, he has the potential to behave like a total idiot and if he takes his eye off the ball he could lose the job.

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BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 10/12/2007 22:17

Let him go.
You have done all you can.
You exceeded his expectations on the DSM front.

My DCousin wanted to leave school at 16 i.e not go back to 5th year, his parents let him. They arranged for him to get a job collecting glasses in Dublin Airport, one month after term started he went back. He is a very sucessful marketing guy in a huge company in Dublin.

camillathechicken · 10/12/2007 22:20

just want to add my support

you have the patience of a saint and have tried everything to be supportive and kind to him

running up debts and ignoring letters , lying, breaking trust is such an unhealthy way to live, i hope his grandmother does not give him an easy ride

he needs to feel the consequences of his irresponsibility, at the moment you are feeling it

sorry you are going through this

Califraunkincense · 10/12/2007 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwayInAMunker · 10/12/2007 22:24

You're doing the right thing, Carmenere. He won't respect you and he will have less respect for himself in the long run if you keep overlooking this.

Wonder what his GM will think if he keeps it up with her?

Have a big hug, lovely - you've gone above and beyond with the DSM thing, as LGJ says xx xx

SelfishMrsClaus · 10/12/2007 22:25

Brie, you last line reminded me of a book I read, Ross O Carroll Kelly.. he says "These chicks roish, they were doing morkeshing in Dublin"

I guess if you were good at the oul Dub accent you could get it.. I cracked me ass reaing it

Anyway, sorry, not appropriate on this thread.

Good on your carmenere, don't let him treat you like a skivvy!

ShinyHappyCarmenerryChristmas · 10/12/2007 22:28

Ah I have calmed down now, admittedly I am a bit pre-mental but I didn't get angry with him. I was just sad, frustrated and disappointed with him and I think he listened. Well the ball is in his court now, I suppose.

stickyj · 10/12/2007 22:35

Adding my two p worth. Your son is a saint compared to mine Mine has lied, stolen, done drugs and treeated me like shit. I am his mum but he has come back tonight after two nights out on the razz and I am too shattered emotionally to row with him. He's alive and he's here. Your son sounds like he has a cooking future, well done to him. You made him cry, so what? Life is tough and he's learnt a lesson. You're a good mum and you will keep him close, he may resent you for a while but deep down he knows you are his only real option.Keep on being tough and making him pay his way.

Original poster
CarmenerryChristmas · 10/12/2007 22:42

Oh Sticky, you poor thing, it is very tough. you have all my sympathy.
I know he will be ok, and I know he is basically a good person but bloody hell it is tough. I have resorted to brandy..........

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Original poster
CarmenerryChristmas · 11/12/2007 20:35

Well he hasn't come home yet he said he would come back today so no doubt we are supposed to be worried about him

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BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 11/12/2007 22:16

Ignore it.

He is old enough to know better.

deste · 11/12/2007 22:26

He doesn't want a bad credit rating as he will have problems for years. My son did not tell us he had debt, like your ss not that much but it took years to get a mortgage, chequebook etc. It certainly sorted him out though. He pays everything cash.

Original poster
CarmenerryChristmas · 11/12/2007 22:34

His dad is quite upset as he feels that dss has left home without even talking to him. The thing is that dss expects that this will cause dp so much upset that the trouble he is in will be forgotten and everything will be ok. But it won't. Because the difference is that he is not dp's responsibility any longer. Dp sent him a text today saying that the least he deserves is a conversation but he won't contact him again unless dss contacts him first.

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Original poster
CarmenerryChristmas · 12/12/2007 21:37

He hasn't come home today either. Dp tried to pay his bank bill but wasn't allowed to do it over the phone, so texted dss, who texted back that he was paying it in the bank then. Obviously granny has bailed him out. Obviously granny is providing him with sanctuary from his nasty dad and upstart of a gf.
Dp is really, really dissapointed with him as well as being really angry and hurt. He has put dp (and me!) through the mill for the past 4 years and is being extraordinarily divisive and disloyal by running to his grandmother.
I, on the other hand, am just irritated with him for hurting dp

OP posts:
Original poster
CarmenerryChristmas · 13/12/2007 21:54

So no word from him again today. I am feeling so, so sorry for poor dp, he has done his damnedest to love and support dss through the toughest of times(and through lots and lots of teenage fuck-wittery).
He has gone to stay with his maternal gm who hates dp and will be delighted to indulge dss in his cowardice just to get at dp. The worst is that dss is well aware of this dynamic and knows how much this is upsetting dp. Little shit

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 13/12/2007 21:59

Ah poor you and poor dss Carmenere. You're obviously both very upset. You know, I think it's a good sign that he was nearly crying, it means he does care. Maybe he listened and agreed more than you thought. And maybe he'll come round.

Original poster
CarmenerryChristmas · 13/12/2007 22:06

He left on Monday WWW. and tbh the longer he stays away the more difficult it will be for him to come back. In fact dp suspects he will stay there until after Christmas and that his gm will pay for him to move in to his friends flat. she will do that just to get back at dp btw. She is a small minded woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarmenerryChristmas · 15/12/2007 14:34

He is still not back and has made no contact or replied to dp's texts. Dp is absolutely heartbroken, I honestly haven't ever seen him this upset before and I've seen him through some terrible situations.
I am absolutely furious with the little shit because he knows how upset his disloyalty would make his father. And i was so, so nice to him before he left, hugged him, told him I loved him and wanted him to live with us and be the best person he could be.
It looks like he won't becoming to Ireland with us for Christmas. I will be changing the locks before we go as he is certainly not above 'entertaining' here whilst we are away.

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