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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17 Year Old Curfew - Do They Exist?

35 replies

MadonnaOMeara · 24/10/2021 20:47

Can I ask do you have a curfew in place for your 17 yo daughter?
Or do you

a) Laugh and think, "what kind of fool are you putting a curfew in for a 17 yo?"

b) Believe as she's nearly an adult that it's time to ease up and let her take responsibility for her hours?

We have asked for an 11 pm curfew on college nights and 12.30 a.m. on non-college nights. What's happening is 12+ on school nights and 3a.m on non-school nights.

This is creating arguments that we can all do without so suggestions are welcome that could help the situation we find ourselves in.

OP posts:
SunndyD · 24/10/2021 20:50

When is she 18? Can she drive? I don’t think it’s unreasonable if she’s waking up the whole house when she comes in.
We never had one with DSS however he was a lockdown 17/18 year old so he couldn’t really do much at all until he was slightly after 18. No curfews no nothing though, we treated him as an adult and he was respectful etc… also quiet when he rolled in at 4am after a night out 🤣🤣

Mojoj · 24/10/2021 20:51

No, no curfew at that age. Time to let go.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 24/10/2021 20:51

I was out all weekend at 17. All weekend - I’d head out Friday night and be back Sunday around 7pm. Good times! Still managed to get up for college every day.

PearDropKid · 24/10/2021 21:07

My 23 year old bought a flat last month and moved out. Up until then, she had a curfew of midnight. Not because I'm a controlling weirdo who can't let go but because I don't like being woken up at 2am

She was perfectly fine with this and of course I didn't enforce it with an iron fist

But maybe approach it with your daughter as I did with mine. When kids want to be treated like adults, they have to consider the other adults in the house that they live with and come to a solution that suits everyone

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 24/10/2021 21:54

We do have a curfew of 11.30 and it’s getting v difficult. The reason we have one is our dd won’t share where she is or who with. We pile on sanctions if she doesn’t come home. My view is that while she is at home, it’s reasonable to respect parents’ rules. I also don’t want her wandering around late at night or us waiting up fir her when we are working. It’s a safety thing and a respect your parents thing. V difficult but still think it’s the right thing.

DogCatRabbit · 24/10/2021 21:59

School / college night I wouldn't want them regularly out after about 10pm. How can they function effectively the next day? Different if it was a specific one off event, eg. a gig or a Halloween party, then I'd be more free.
Weekends, I don't really mind what time they come back provided I have an idea of where they are and who they're with, and that they're able to get home safely without getting me out of bed. I wouldn't collect after about 1am so they'd have to either stay over or pay for their own taxi.

Pomegranita · 24/10/2021 22:02

12.30am is too late on a weeknight; it's not fair to the other members of the household if they're getting woken when someone comes in at 12.30, if they're having to get up at 6am for work.

waterrat · 24/10/2021 22:14

By 17 I was going clubbing all night....surely at the weekend in particular she can do what she likes she is basically an adult? I do think it's v odd to tell her when she can come home if not going to college. What about parties etc ? 1230 seems like a curfew fir a younger teen.

WellTidy · 24/10/2021 22:15

School nights - I would always be in by about 10 at the very latest

Weekends - I would only go out on one of the nights but regularly back between 1 and 3 am

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 24/10/2021 22:21

Sorry - should have made clear. 11.30 on Fridays and Saturdays and some nights in half term. School nights we say 9.30/10. She’s hopeless in the morning otherwise,

fairynick · 24/10/2021 22:24

The clubs don’t even open until 12??

WitchyNameChange · 24/10/2021 22:35

No curfew at that age. Not even on a school/college night. They need to start taking responsibility for their own schedule and self regulate.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 24/10/2021 22:42

I think that while a child depends upon their parents for housing, it is fair for a parent to set house rules.

Weekdays 11:30PM is fine. I don’t think that there should be a time for weekends and holidays as long as they make every effort not to disturb others.

However, no parent should be buying ear plugs (advice I have read on here) to facilitate a teen making noise half the night. After midnight (or earlier) there should be silence, the teen should be wearing the earplugs if they want to watch tv or listen to music.

Original poster
MadonnaOMeara · 25/10/2021 10:21

Thanks to all for taking the time to respond.

That said, I have completely dismissed the responses that state that as she is nearly an adult, she should be allowed do what she wants, because she is not an adult yet, she is only just finding her way in the world, and still needs guidance, plus an understanding that rules apply in life, and the decisions we make have consequences. So, the hands-off parenting approach for a 17 y/o is not for us.

And to those who think we might be controlling; we have not forgotten what it was like to be a teenager. We know the confusing teenage years are about testing the rules while you seek to find your way and gain independence.

For now, our feeling is, until she has turned 18 (she is only just 17) and is off to UNI, she can then party to her heart's content, with the onus then on her to self-regulate.

So, we have scheduled a family meeting for tomorrow with the aim of finding a compromise that works for all of us. The primary aim is to have a resolution in place that will support our daughter through her last year in college. What we want is for her to pass her exams and be ready for the next life chapter and to fulfil her own goal of having the 'uni experience'.

Wish us luck!

OP posts:
sourcherie · 25/10/2021 10:44

My parents were really strict when I was a teenager (35+ years ago) and it was miserable. But even they let go when I was 17; there were no rules any more, though I guess they’d have stepped in if I was coming home late on a weeknight. They trusted me to be sensible and I was. I remember being 17 as one of the best times of my life - being given independence and freedom, and being trusted.

With that in mind, we’ve done the same with our 16 year old since the end of the summer. The difference in him and in our relationship with him is marked; he’s relaxed and friendly, and occasionally even hangs out with us of his own accord!

He can come home when he likes, he just needs to send me a message to let me know when he’s setting off for home. So far it’s working well.

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 25/10/2021 14:32

I do wish you luck, because I think you are right MoM. It’s so tough. Teens’ brains are still developing. There’s little impulse control and lots of peer pressure. Ours is perfectly capable of throwing away everything she has achieved so far in the pursuit of instant gratification which would be so sad in the long term - and I think truly regrettable from her own viewpoint.

Mybalconyiscracking · 25/10/2021 14:52

No curfews ever, just let me know if you are staying out. Why would you restrict them to midnight, most fun stuff happens after.
However, I know that she was always very anti-drugs, things would have changed smarting had I thought she was getting involved with that shit.

Comefromaway · 25/10/2021 14:59

Public transport stops here after 6.30pm so if ds wants to stay out he has to ask if I will give him a lift. I wouldn't be prepared to collect him any later than 10pm on a college night or 11pm (depending on my plans) on a weekend unless it was a special event.

Crocky · 25/10/2021 15:07

My dd is 17. I am very aware that at that age I had left home and was paying my own rent etc so setting curfews doesn’t really feel right. Having said that, she is very sensible and knows she does not cope well on not enough sleep so I don’t really have to worry about her. She is also very good at making sure that I know where she is, who she is with and how she is getting home.
I am not sure how I would tackle things if that wasn’t the case.

tirtell · 25/10/2021 15:16

I always had a 10pm curfew on a college night and later at weekends was by negotiation on the basis that my parents knew roughly where I was, who with and what I would be doing. This was enforced or negotiated and respected until I left home at 23. Their house their rules. I will do the same with my kids.

That said, we were allowed to have parties at our house, so it tended to be where we all congregated. We had 2 downstairs reception rooms so the second room was for the kids. Never allowed upstairs and never allowed boyfriends to stay over. My parents were of the opinion better to be under their roof and knowing what we were doing than roaming the streets. All my friends loved them.

WitchyNameChange · 25/10/2021 15:27

My parents were of the opinion better to be under their roof and knowing what we were doing than roaming the streets.

This is how I am with my teens. I've let them host the majority of parties and get togethers at home.

JustDanceAddict · 25/10/2021 17:27

No weekend/holiday curfews at 17 for either ds or dd.
If they wanted lift they had to let us know by 11ish.
During week no-one really goes out so no need. If a gig or similar they’d be back once it finished.

WeAllHaveWings · 25/10/2021 17:53

Ds's curfew is as late as I am willing to stay up if he wants a lift which is usually 12ish at a weekend, 10ish mid week.

If he doesn't want a lift then there is no curfew. But he is considerate and doesn't take the piss and appears to have a great group of friends, boys and girls, that stick together and keep an eye out for each other (obviously pure luck a result of my amazing parenting skills 🤣).

It is difficult for todays 17 year olds as during the last 18 months their opportunities to spread their wings and gradually learn to be more independent has been curtailed.

Libertaire · 25/10/2021 18:00

If, when I was 17, my mother had attempted to impose a curfew on me, she would have received a very blunt two-word response.

I understand that times have changed since the 1980s, and that kids stay younger for longer these days but a 17 year old is still just a few months from legally being an adult so should be able to come & go as they wish.

merryhouse · 25/10/2021 18:12

Wow, different planets again...

We never had a "curfew" as such - but would have taken a very dim view of a school student staying out late.

And no, I didn't stay out much past 9pm myself at that age Grin

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