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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen and overly controlling parents.

32 replies

EdenFlower · 10/10/2021 11:40

I am worried about a 16 year old I know and wondered if I should do something to intervene. Her parents are very controlling to the point that I think it's damaged her mental health, especially as they have been like this throughout her whole childhood.

They are very pushy academically and expect high results from her. She has spent a lot of her childhood doing extra school-work and practising to pass exams. The mum is also overly involved in everything she does, interfering at her school, intervening in friendships and generally creating lots of angst around eating and health, always taking her to the doctor and giving her 'remedies' and vitamins for everything which in my eyes seems unnecessary. The mum seems to have either a personality disorder or anxiety herself. The girl was never allowed to sleepovers or friends houses, or to play out with friends or go to play gyms as a child. She has had very little independence or autonomy in her life. Even at home she was always under constant close supervision. She was prevented from going on school trips and days out with friends- the excuses usually being financial or health related and certainly never allowed to take risks like going on theme-park rides, climbing frames, getting dirty etc. - even swimming and bike riding were limited due to mums perception of how risky it was.

She is now struggling with what appears to be anxiety issues, although the mum says her symptoms are all due to health conditions. I am dubious. She has a boyfriend she met online- he lives locally. He is not allowed to her house or her his, she is not trusted to be left alone at home so has to go everywhere with her parents, she has to do all her studying in the family kitchen because they don't trust her to work independently, They constantly monitor her social media, removing all her devices each night at bedtime. She is never able to go out with friends independently unless they drop her off and pick her up at very specific times and places. She seems to struggle to make friends in general. She is beginning to think about university and it looks like she will have to stay locally and live at home even though this is not what she wants- financial reasons are the excuse, although I think it's more about keeping control. The dad has a good middle-class income and the mum doesn't work- she spends a lot of money on designer clothes but then cries poverty.

I don't know if I should just keep my nose out. I try to offer parenting advice to the mum when she is being a bit unreasonable with her poor dd, but it doesn't really help her. I feel so sorry for her when I look at the life experiences and fun my own dd has compared to hers.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 10/10/2021 11:53

Yes keep nose out. This is a very common way to bring up children particularly in certain cultures.

Original poster
EdenFlower · 10/10/2021 11:56

It's not cultural- she's white British

OP posts:
Original poster
EdenFlower · 10/10/2021 12:06

It's hard to see a young girl so unhappy and not feel the need to intervene.

OP posts:
GetDrunkWithMe · 10/10/2021 12:08

My parents were like this. Help her now before her mental health spirals out of control.

TheSmallAssassin · 10/10/2021 12:09

@Butterfly44

Yes keep nose out. This is a very common way to bring up children particularly in certain cultures.
It doesn't make it right though, does it?
Sarah2384 · 10/10/2021 12:13

At 18 she can do what she likes. Yes, any potential maintenance loan will be based on parents income but outside of that, if she's willing / able to get a job she can move where she likes. Most 18 year olds wouldn't want to disobey their parents' wishes though.

lljkk · 10/10/2021 12:20

It sounds diabolical, OP.

Realistically what could you do?
Would the mother shut you out, cut you off, or listen to what you have to say?
Can you form a separate relationship with the 16yr old to support her to make her own decisions?

ps: wondering if this is a reverse and OP was the 16yr old nobody helped.

Original poster
EdenFlower · 10/10/2021 12:21

I don't think she will be strong enough to go against their wishes. She's very young in her ways for a 16 year old and although she is clearly craving independence she doesn't have the skills most 16 year olds have because she's never been allowed to develop them- she doesn't even make her own breakfast or snacks! Mum does everything!

Mum was telling me how she has been difficult and had a tantrum the other night because they took her to the cinema and she wanted to go straight to bed on return because it was late- but they wanted her to have a shower before bed which was non-negotiable. This just seems crazy to me and I can't imagine insisting on this at midnight with my dd- it would be bound to cause issues- no wonder she had a tantrum.

OP posts:
Original poster
EdenFlower · 10/10/2021 12:30

It's not a reverse Grin

Mum is friend of mine, but it's got to the stage I wish she wasn't as we are so different these days and I can't support her treatment of their dd. She's generally on a rant about something or angry about something or someone- she's very intense! Dad is a bit more reasonable but he seems controlled by her as well and he only seems to step in when the mums ideas become totally unreasonable- in a way I think he is a facilitator.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/10/2021 12:32

Poor girl :(

Original poster
EdenFlower · 10/10/2021 12:42

I was wondering if contacting her school anonymously might be a good idea? She's in the sixth form.

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 10/10/2021 12:57

I know a family with very similar set up.

Do wonder if cultural as dad isn't British.

I often worry for her but she's well cared for and loved and feel I'd be intervening as I find it strange rather than because she's at risk iyswim?

Thatsplentyjack · 10/10/2021 13:07

@Butterfly44

Yes keep nose out. This is a very common way to bring up children particularly in certain cultures.
It's amazing the things people will ignore when they think something is "cultural thing"
whatnextdandelions · 10/10/2021 13:53

it sounds wrong and damaging to the child's health, but I cant think what you can do. Perhaps the school can be made aware but not sure what they can actually do

Original poster
EdenFlower · 10/10/2021 17:21

I was hoping the school might at least be able to talk to the dd and offer mental health support- provide her with a teacher who is available if she wants to seek help- if they were aware of how controlling her parents are they could at least be looking out for her more closely. From the outside, you wouldn't think her home-life was anything other than loving and supportive- and I'm not denying she is very loved, but it's over the top an oppressive. I only know a lot of what goes on because her mum shares it with me- she is completely unaware that her expectations aren't normal- I try to be the voice of reason when she is ranting on about how difficult her daughter has been and complaining that other parents let their children do what they like etc. etc. but it falls on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Sillydoggy · 10/10/2021 17:38

Please bear in mind that if you intervene overtly it may well backfire on the daughter.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 10/10/2021 18:06

A gentle word with someone at school to just keep an eye on her rather than big red flags perhaps? I would be concerned the number might withdraw her from 6th form altogether if she is as controlling as she sounds.

Original poster
EdenFlower · 10/10/2021 18:11

I don't think they would withdraw her from school- education is their main goal for her and I don't think they'd put that in jeopardy!

OP posts:
Bollindger · 10/10/2021 18:27

Could you say to the mum about adults going no contact with parents in a round about way.
After all if the girl managed to get a boyfriend, there must be some spark left in her.

Original poster
EdenFlower · 10/10/2021 18:39

Maybe @Bollindger Her mum would be devastated if she thought her dd would do this. She's a pretty girl and bright.

OP posts:
Penfield · 11/10/2021 09:53

Did you say this girl has a health condition?

I wonder how serious it is. To you it might not seem very serious but the mum may be very anxious because if this.

One of my children has a disability which has effects that friends and family are completely unaware of. I don’t see how it can be invisible and yet to many people it is.

RedFlyingBeeBee · 11/10/2021 09:57

Let the school know.

LettertoHermoine · 11/10/2021 09:59

That poor kid. What kind of a life is that.

SallyDoTheDishes · 11/10/2021 10:15

I would contact school and let them know what is happening then at least she will have other adults looking out for her.

Ultimately if education is important then surely university is her way out of this. Lots of students do not have financial support from parents because a lot of parents cannot afford it. Ds is at uni, we are forking £5k per year for him which is what the government expects from us to top up his maintenance loan.

If you contact her sixth form they will also have a heads up for university applications and may be able to give her the tools to persuade her parents that X university is a better fit ( and away from home)

My friend had parents like this. I remember when I met the little brother who was about 10 and I gave him a packet of smarties and his Mum said, you can have one after dinner. She meant one, as in one smartie. Not one tube. He had no medical conditions, no reason to be so weird about chocolate. My friend went off the rails at uni, no longer under the rigid rules of home life. He also had his first ever sugar rush Grin

chuggabo · 11/10/2021 10:21

My mum was a bit like this with education being the main focus. She had the idea that trying to keep us "young for our age" would help to keep us at school longer. It was also made plain to us that as long as we lived in her house we were not to entertain the idea of having any kind of sexual relationship, even post 18. Getting to university was my way out- but I had no coping skills once I got there. Please do what you can to loosen their grip.