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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What are the general accepted rules re:boyfriends?

36 replies

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2021 13:29

16yo DD has met a very nice lad a year older than her (summer birthday, so a while before he's 18). On paper he's seems very appropriate. Highly academic, good looking, mildly funny, interested in the same sport as DH and had a good chat with him about it, so good social skills. I'm yet to find out if he's kind to small children and animals and DD

Today they are meeting up, and then she's invited him around to our house. I've said he's not going in her bedroom (she's hoovered the living room, but not tidied her bedroom, so I think she's taken this onboard).

DD is pretty and funny and very, very kind, but not at all academic, so I'm wary about why he's attracted to her.

DH has given her "the talk" which ended with telling her all men were ultimately only after one thing.

Blimey I'm totally panicking here, ultimately this will probably end in tears which I have to mop up, won't it?

Talk some sense into me, and help me navigate this.

DD is so so precious to me I want to lock her in her room right now before she goes out to meet him

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 09/10/2021 13:34

Is the no room thing for the first visit? If they continue to see each other I think it’s reasonable they are allowed space on their own.

I am bemused at your comment regarding why he is attracted to her. She sounds lovely, he clearly thinks so too.

AlexaShutUp · 09/10/2021 13:34

Ah, it's hard OP. You'll probably get some harsh replies on here, but I get it. They're still our babies!

I think you have to let dd get on with it and trust that you've given her enough confidence and self esteem to be able to look after herself. He sounds like a lovely boy, but yes, chances are it will end in tears for one of them at some point!

Mybalconyiscracking · 09/10/2021 13:44

One of mine had an implant the week after her 16th birthday because she had an established boyfriend and she wanted to have sex with him. He was a lovely boy with his head screwed on properly, exactly a year older than her. They learnt about sex together in a non exploitative way and he started staying the night when she was 17. She did ask if it was okay but I only knew because his shoes were left by the front door.
She is a healthy young woman with healthy self esteem who gives men and sex exactly the right emphasis in her life. I’m sure she does hide things from me but she does it very well.
My other DD is now 16 and more interested in Minecraft than men. When she is ready she will receive the same trust in her judgment and maturity.

Easterndream · 09/10/2021 14:18

I would say that it's best to concentrate on your daughter's behaviour/ mood/ mental health as a guide to whether or not this relationship is a positive thing or not, rather than concentrating on the boyfriend's presumed personality/qualities etc. I think it's overanalysing( the kind of thing I'd do by the way) when you question his motives due to academic ability, and therefore suitability. I personally would let my daughter invite people into her bedroom at that age. He's her boyfriend, not a family friend, and although it's nice to be able to relate with him, this is about how happy your daughter is, not whether he can chat to your husband about hobbies or sport.

Hellandhighwaters · 09/10/2021 14:45

OP it’s quite tricky to navigate and I remember the dilemma well. My dd was 15 when she started going out with her 16 year old boyfriend. They started out hanging out together in our kitchen where there was a tv and it meant they had some privacy. I think at 16 they needed somewhere to go away from us. We’ve got a snuggle sofa in there and would often walk in and they would suddenly spring apart! It was quite sweet and innocent. After a few weeks of getting to know him when he was a frequent visitor to our house, we allowed her to go to her room with the proviso that the door was kept open. We live in a small house, so we were always up and down the stairs walking past her room. Your dd sounds sensible and as long as you lay down a few house rules, you should allow them some privacy. My dd was not ready to enter into a sexual relationship at 15 and we have a close relationship, so kept a good channel of communication going. I expected that she would eventually want to have sex and I said I would rather this was at home rather than taking risks. As it turned out they were together for over a year and they would often come and sit with us in the living room or hang out in the kitchen rather than staying in their room. The secret is to be as welcoming as possible and it’s a good start that you like the boyfriend. Good luck!

Flup · 09/10/2021 14:48

Ah it's painful. Her heart will be broken if not by this lad by another. She sounds a lovely girl and the best thing I can advise now is to make him feel as welcome as possible.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/10/2021 14:55

DD is pretty and funny and very, very kind, but not at all academic, so I'm wary about why he's attracted to her

What a strange thing to say

Hawkins001 · 09/10/2021 14:56

all the best op,

TrampolineForMrKite · 09/10/2021 15:08

This feels a bit mean:

“DD is pretty and funny and very, very kind, but not at all academic, so I'm wary about why he's attracted to her.”

I’m sure he likes her because she’s kind and pretty. I never knew a teenage boy who was much arsed about how the objects of their affection were doing with their A Level studies.

All sounds totally normal and nice for the age. They probably won’t last forever but it’s all a learning curve. Let them go in her room (with the door open maybe) and get your DH to reign it in a bit- he’s a 17yo boy, not some Svengali with a twirly moustache. Also a lot of girls quite fancy that “one thing” too.... I’m not sure how healthy it is to try and make your 16yo daughter think all boys and men have no interest in her as a person and just want to get in her pants. Again, my experience of teenage boys was that most of them weren’t just about sex and that the interest in sex for girls at that age is equally intense!

Calm down a bit and let it run it’s course.

timeisnotaline · 09/10/2021 15:11

I’d let them in the bedroom but with door staying open, no sleepovers. Bedrooms are teens main hang out space.

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2021 15:59

@TrampolineForMrKite - he's applying to Oxbridge and she's nowhere near academic enough for A'levels (she does have other talents though and is doing a vocational course). I asked DD if she's told him she's dyslexic, and she said she had to, as he wondered why she couldn't read some words. I think I'm embarrassed that she's retaking Maths GCSE, and is asking him to do her homework help her with her homework. My issue

Her parting words were: "Mum, I really like him. Please act normal when he's here."

OP posts:

Hellandhighwaters · 10/10/2021 15:46

How did it go yesterday @LynetteScavo?

YukoandHiro · 10/10/2021 15:50

What happened to the allowed in your room but only with the door open rule of my 90s teen years?

However if they start a proper relationship I would advise to let him stay over if she wants to. Teens will always find somewhere to bang if they want to and better in a bed than behind a park shed...

DH is wrong that all men are only interested in one thing but the academic stuff is a red herring... teen boys do not give a crap about meeting an intellectual equal. In my experience neither do most grown men, sadly

Phoebesgift · 10/10/2021 15:54

Wow! So she's not academic. So what! I'd imagine that's pretty low down any teens list of qualities in a boy/girlfriend.
Poor girl. You're already deciding he's too good for her and is going to break her heart.

ISpyCobraKai · 10/10/2021 15:58

Gosh, how odd you even said that publicly.
Dd and her Bf aren't academic equals yet have been together 4.5 years, since they were 15 and 16, have lived together for 2 and got engaged last summer. (Long engagement, not planning to marry for 5 years or so)

StripeyBadger · 10/10/2021 15:58

[quote LynetteScavo]@TrampolineForMrKite - he's applying to Oxbridge and she's nowhere near academic enough for A'levels (she does have other talents though and is doing a vocational course). I asked DD if she's told him she's dyslexic, and she said she had to, as he wondered why she couldn't read some words. I think I'm embarrassed that she's retaking Maths GCSE, and is asking him to do her homework help her with her homework. My issue

Her parting words were: "Mum, I really like him. Please act normal when he's here." [/quote]
So what if he is applying to Oxbridge? Please don’t damage your DD’s self esteem by making her believe she isn’t good enough.

Oblomov21 · 10/10/2021 16:06

So what if he's oxbridge material? She has many attractive qualities.

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 10/10/2021 16:10

@Hellandhighwaters - it went very well! I'd only seen him on FaceTime before, and in real life he's very sweet.

I said they could go to DDs room and they chose to leave the door open. I did go upstairs more than I usually would

His mum came to pick him up, and DD bounded over to say hello to her through the car window (they hadn't met before). Before he got into the car he gave her a little hug. I got the feeling he's not going to be rushing her into anything.

I don't suppose they generally choose to chat about maths equations, and DD can generally hold her own when it comes to politics, so I don't know what I was panicking about there- they do actually seem quite compatible. DD was quite actually quite assertive with him. I definitely have issues re: DD not doing A'levels, which I didn't realise until this thread

He's definitely not too good for DD!

OP posts:

Incywinceyspider · 10/10/2021 16:21

My view is this. She is 16 and therefore likely to be interested in sex. He sounds like a decent lad. Far better that she loses her virginity to someone like him at 16 rather than when she's 18 to someone who treats her like dirt. Just make sure that she knows about safe sex and tell your DH to back off.

Yes chances are that it won't last forever. But most of us go through heartbreak at some stage and aren't left with permanent scars. I lost my virginity at 16 to someone who ultimately broke my heart, but I look back on it all with fond memories 20 years later. It's all part of life.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 10/10/2021 16:41

So what if they aren’t the same academically I can assure you most teens don’t care for maths gives grade 9 in a bf/gf. Also they’re not dating you or your husband. Agree chat on some topic of mutual interest would be nice between you both and the bf but all dd wants is for you both to like him.

Original poster

LynetteScavo · 10/10/2021 16:49

He noticed my glasses on my head and asked if everyone in our family wears glasses. Cue me thinking he's wondering if any prospective children he has with Dad will have poor eyesight. And so I explained mine are just reading glasses with a low prescription. With hindsight I think the poor lad was just making conversation, but I soooo over think things!

OP posts:

Hellandhighwaters · 10/10/2021 17:46

Glad it seemed to go ok @LynetteScavo. It’s such a rollercoaster you go on as a parent when your child first starts dating. As parents, we couldn’t see what my dd saw in her first boyfriend. He was quite small and quiet and she’s tall and loud!! A lot of her sarcasm and humour seemed to go over his head. They did seem to really get on though and whilst he was making her happy, I didn’t interfere.

They had a quite upsetting breakup over the summer - the only time I interfered was when he wasn’t treating her right and making excuses not to see her. I gently guided her to make the decision to break things off. Teach your dd about safe sex, respect and not putting up with anything she’s uncomfortable with. You then have to take a big step back I’m afraid and let her get on with it. I was there to pick up the pieces when my dds relationship broke down. It’s really not easy to see your child upset, but it’s a right of passage and she’s a stronger person because of what happened. She’s not in another relationship at the minute, but I’ve encouraged her to get a new part time job and make new friends which have helped her to move on from her first love. Don’t overthink, it will drive you mad.

Echobelly · 10/10/2021 17:56

I think at 16 and 17 it's not necessarily going to end in tears, many strong relationships do start at that age (fewer before then), but even if not, you have to allow for the possibility of your DD getting hurt because that is life, and better to have the 'training wheels' of a relationship around this age than either earlier or much later.

Glad it went well with his visit. But I'd say do accept sex may well happen and honestly, I'd take the view as a parent that I'd rather it happened under my roof than elsewhere. As my mum said when a friend was surprised she'd let my DB sleep with his GF (who, incidentally, is now his wife) when they were 17, 'I'd rather at ours than a park bench!'

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 10/10/2021 18:40

You sound very strict….

topcat2014 · 10/10/2021 18:44

It is entirely possible that DD will dump this lad in the future, and the tears will be his not hers :)

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