What are the general accepted rules re:boyfriends?

[LynetteScavo]

16yo DD has met a very nice lad a year older than her (summer birthday, so a while before he's 18). On paper he's seems very appropriate. Highly academic, good looking, mildly funny, interested in the same sport as DH and had a good chat with him about it, so good social skills. I'm yet to find out if he's kind to small children and animals and DD

Today they are meeting up, and then she's invited him around to our house. I've said he's not going in her bedroom (she's hoovered the living room, but not tidied her bedroom, so I think she's taken this onboard).

DD is pretty and funny and very, very kind, but not at all academic, so I'm wary about why he's attracted to her.

DH has given her "the talk" which ended with telling her all men were ultimately only after one thing.

Blimey I'm totally panicking here, ultimately this will probably end in tears which I have to mop up, won't it?

Talk some sense into me, and help me navigate this.

DD is so so precious to me I want to lock her in her room right now before she goes out to meet him

Your DD is 16 and has a boyfriend, there really isnt anything you need to navigate. I am going to assume your breakdown of his attributes are just tongue in cheek.

Just crack on with your day and leave them to it, its really not a big deal at all.

Thank you all for the good advice . I remember when I was 17yo and was dumped by my first true love (he went off with a very good friend of mine and I'm still cross with them both 30 year later!) I didn't realise how much I was moping and my DM told me to buck myself up and stop being so miserable - she had no idea I'd just had my heart broken, and didn't stop to ask why I was unhappy. I did think, a while afterwards, it was a good job I wasn't miserable because I was pregnant- I would never have turned to my DM about it. At least I know DD will be comfortable to come to me if/when it doesn't all work out, so I can't be doing that bad a job at parenting. I do find parenting teens hard... give me a newborn any day!

We had an open conversation with DS’s girlfriends parents when they first started seeing each just out of lockdown this year (they are at school together and had been getting to know each other for sometime ). It was obvious they were going to become sexually active and since they were unable to socialise in the normal way (dates and parties) we allowed them to sleep together pretty early on. We decided that it was healthier to allow it and encourage a healthy respectful physical relationship than doing it behind our backs.
I’m actually really proud of DS’s attitude, he is quite judgemental of some of his friends who wait for girls to get blind drunk before taking advantage of them. He is part of the party set and I suspect he is protective of some of the girls he has known for years. Perhaps his first experience while in a loving relationship will give him a good attitude going forward.

I'm glad it went well and you are feeling reassured but I have to be honest, it did make me smile when you thought that the lad was thinking about prospective children by inquiring about your glasses. That's quite a reach! And when you say your dd can hold her own talking about politics? Do you mean she has opinions about issues that are important to her and some mainstream topics or are we talking more political party chat?? It all seems a little bit forced if you ask me. You've admitted that you have to work through the whole no a levels issue. It's really important that your dd doesn't believe that she is less than anyone who happens to be more academically able than her. Sometimes when parents are noticeably more academic than their children, the children can feel like they have let them down. I'm not saying at all that this is your case but how positive you are about the next stage in her life if really important.

I understand you OP. You’re protective of your DD because she has had issues with a learning disability and also because she is so young and also because you love her and also because judging by this thread alone so many parents seem happy for their girls to leap into sex even though girls have much more to lose than boys do by doing so.
You sound lovely and no wonder your DD is too!

Surely at 16 you let them have some privacy? I don't under the door open thing at this age. Do you want them to only kiss on cold park benches ?

Well the lad turned out to be a completely obsessive weirdo, who wants DD to only spend time with him, and only to speak to him. He recognises that he is obsessed with DD, which is good for him, but he's not my issue.

DD is in the process of running for the hills. He bought tickets for them both to see a show together and when DD said she'd give him the money in cash he said she can pay him with her company. Cue DD doing a dramatic fake vomit. He has already reminded her several times that he paid for the meal out they had last weekend, even though DD wanted to pay half, but he insisted, and now DD feels awkward about it.

So many red flags, but I'm proud DD has recognised them.

And yes, that accelerated very, very quickly!

She’s so young and there are so many frogs. One lesson learned and hopefully you and she can laugh about it.

I totally get this post - especially the overthinking from mum! My DD (16) is two weeks into her first proper relationship after 3 months of “talking” online with a 16 year boy she has liked for a couple of years. He’s characterful, good looking and let’s say, not as conscientious about his studies as she is. She is however keen on him and she says he’s caring. We’re being as kind and as tolerant as possible.

I don’t know about the rules (not there yet!) but the fact she’s pretty and very kind is a big win! Especially these days.