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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Why does my Mum open all of my letters?

39 replies

SurferBoy02 · 08/10/2021 15:20

So I'm 19, and my Mum is always opening my mail. Literally can't even remember the last time I saw a bank statement of mine. I've been having some investigations done at the hospital to do with my head and I had a letter today. She sent me a photo of it whilst I was at work, therefore she had opened it, despite the fact that it literally had "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" written across the envelope.

Question is, how can I ask her to respect my privacy without it turning into an argument?

OP posts:

Brollywasntneededafterall · 08/10/2021 15:24

Tell her you will have to start looking for an alternative address...

Idontlike · 08/10/2021 15:25

That is really out of order and she has some serious boundary issues!
You need to be frank and tell her that you need your privacy and that she is not to open your letters.

It probably will cause a row though, someone who thinks it’s acceptable to do that in the first place isn’t going to take kindly to being told to stop.

Bexxe · 08/10/2021 15:25

At 19, this is very weird behaviour from your mom. I dont imagine there is a way to bring it up without an argument - so id be prepared for that.

You could write yourself a letter pretending to be Gov.co.uk saying a reminder about about the laws around mail and how its illegal to open other peoples mail (will take some careful editing on word to make look legit) which could give her a bit of a fright!

purplecorkheart · 08/10/2021 15:27

Could you look at hiring a mail box. Request your bank statements as online only. Get any important post sent to a relative or friend.

cheesepizza22 · 08/10/2021 15:27

Sorry this is happening. If you are in the UK, you can request a 'PO Box' via Royal Mail (I think there's a fee?) which is good to keep your Mail confidential from your mum.

HollowTalk · 08/10/2021 15:28

Banks don't send bank statements anymore unless you specifically request them. You can change this online.Your mother certainly shouldn't have been opening your letter from the hospital. Is she on here? Are you hoping she reads this?

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/10/2021 15:28

Get your mail held by the Royal Mail.

www.royalmail.com/receiving/keepsafe

FatAnkles · 08/10/2021 15:28

Tell her to stop. She has no business opening your letters.

notacooldad · 08/10/2021 15:29

To be honest I'd rather face a row to put an end to this.
I have never opened a letter addressed to my sons' or Dh without permission and e en then I dont like doing it.

Chasingsquirrels · 08/10/2021 15:29

Have you ever had a conversation with her about it?
It might just be a case of saying "mum, I don't want you to open my post, can you leave it for me to open in future" and she agrees.
It isn't an unreasonable request at all. I wouldn't open my 19 or 15yos post and haven't done so for years.

Redcrayons · 08/10/2021 15:29

To be charitable I’d say she hasn’t quite adjusted to the idea that she’s not responsible for or need to know about everything you do anymore.
Have you asked her to stop?

RunnerDown · 08/10/2021 15:34

You absolutely need to have an argument with her about this. It is unacceptable. My dc are older now but would have been rightly furious with me if I had deliberately opened private letters. Your dm must know this.
Does she do this because she worries about you , or is she a bit controlling and unwilling to let you “ grow up”. The former would need to be discussed tactfully , with some reassurance that you will talk to her if anything worrying is happening - to a level that you are comfortable with. If it’s the latter you should stand your ground firmly so she knows you won’t tolerate this.

Tailendofsummer · 08/10/2021 15:34

So you haven't asked her not to do this?
I mean, I would never do this to a 19 year old, but I would be eaten up with curiosity and concern about a hospital letter, so if I thought you wanted me to I would open it...
You need to say.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 08/10/2021 15:37

Remind her you're an adult and ask her not to do it in future.

furbabymama87 · 08/10/2021 15:40

@Tailendofsummer

So you haven't asked her not to do this? I mean, I would never do this to a 19 year old, but I would be eaten up with curiosity and concern about a hospital letter, so if I thought you wanted me to I would open it... You need to say.

She shouldn't have to. Imagine if it was sexual health related.

SallyDoTheDishes · 08/10/2021 15:41

Why would there be an argument about it? You are an adult and are entitled to privacy. Ask her how she would feel if you started opening her mail.

If she persists you could always get your letters sent to a care of address of someone trustworthy who will hand your mail to you. Or if you can afford it you can get a mail box address and collect your mail yourself.

My son has just started uni, anything that comes here for him we just forward on for him. He is 18 and deserves privacy no matter what comes through for him.

lovablequalities · 08/10/2021 15:49

My ma was exactly the same. Never found a way of getting her to stop apart from leaving home. It's a nightmare.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/10/2021 15:52

That is wrong, you need to have a talk to her.

I have 20 year old DDs, I would never open their mail. One is at uni and I'll occasionally send a photo of a letter, asking if she wants me to open it/is it urgent type of thing but I wouldn't without their consent.

Energy4You · 08/10/2021 15:54

Opening your mail is one thing and not great at all.

But opening it and not giving you the letters so you don’t see your bank statements? That’s even worse.

I don’t think there is any way to make nit confrontational if she wants to make it. But a simple ‘I’d prefer to open my own letters. Could you leave them here for me please?’ ought to be enough.

whenwillthemadnessend · 08/10/2021 16:16

My mum opened my o levels results before me. I still have never forgiven her for that.

I do t know what you can do other than showing her this thread. It's totallly wrong

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/10/2021 16:22

@purplecorkheart

Could you look at hiring a mail box. Request your bank statements as online only. Get any important post sent to a relative or friend.

You should do this and think about moving out if you can. She is seriously out of order opening your mail unfortunately I think broaching it is likely to result in an argument so be prepared.

PinkSyCo · 08/10/2021 16:23

Point out to her that her opening your mail is not only infantilising and a huge invasion of your privacy but it is illegal. I would start open her mail if she continued.

mrstea301 · 08/10/2021 16:26

My mum also used to do this, including opening my payslips when they used to get posted to the house. I changed my correspondence address to my sisters house and just picked mail up from there. If I were you, I'd look into hiring a PO Box or something.

Seasidemumma77 · 08/10/2021 16:33

I wouldn't consider opening any of my dc's post. Eldest dc is away at uni, I take a photo of any post that arrives and only open if they instruct me to

WallaceinAnderland · 08/10/2021 16:34

how can I ask her to respect my privacy without it turning into an argument?

Why would it turn into an argument?

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