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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Why does my Mum open all of my letters?

39 replies

SurferBoy02 · 08/10/2021 15:20

So I'm 19, and my Mum is always opening my mail. Literally can't even remember the last time I saw a bank statement of mine. I've been having some investigations done at the hospital to do with my head and I had a letter today. She sent me a photo of it whilst I was at work, therefore she had opened it, despite the fact that it literally had "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" written across the envelope.

Question is, how can I ask her to respect my privacy without it turning into an argument?

OP posts:
lifecoachingandotherbollocks · 08/10/2021 16:37

Tell her its an offence to open other peope’s mail

Wtfdoipick · 08/10/2021 16:42

You'll only stop it when your mail no longer goes to her house. Could mean moving out. This isn't a little thing this is seriously overstepping boundaries. I have never opened my DC post ever, yes if addressed to guardian of but not if directly addressed to them. If not at home and could be urgent I'll send a photo of the envelope ( not if they would be home the same day). The only reason for doing this is that your mother doesn't see you as a person with autonomy.

Lollypop701 · 08/10/2021 16:46

Don’t think you can avoid a direct conversation on the ‘please don’t open my mail anymore mum’ It will only be an argument if you’re mum turns it that way. Get everything online that you can… bank statements etc and if it continues start opening hers

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/10/2021 16:55

Question is, how can I ask her to respect my privacy without it turning into an argument?

You can't. You can say "please respect my privacy and don't open my post" which is a perfectly reasonable thing to say, but if she's going to turn that into an argument you can't stop her. Well, the best you can do is that no matter what she says to you, repeat the previous in a calm steady voice. It can sometimes be an effective strategy to repeat it twice and then walk away.

Can you move out?

girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 16:57

Say "please can you stop opening my post? I'm an adult now and would prefer to take responsibility for my own health and finances."

PotteringAlong · 08/10/2021 17:03

Literally can't even remember the last time I saw a bank statement of mine.

Banks don’t send out paper bank statements any more. Check your online banking!

OurChristmasMiracle · 08/10/2021 17:05

I would have messaged back “mum why have you opened my post?”

AFuturisticalSound · 08/10/2021 17:21

@PotteringAlong

Literally can't even remember the last time I saw a bank statement of mine.

Banks don’t send out paper bank statements any more. Check your online banking!

Of course they do, my child had a statement from the bank just yesterday. What makes you think they don't send them? Or did you mean that you you choose paperless if you don't want to get them?
UnsuitableHat · 08/10/2021 17:27

My mum used to do this until one day I said something, and she snapped ‘Well I won’t do it any more then’ as if this wasn’t exactly the outcome I wanted.
I’d suggest plucking up courage and saying something to her and yeah, get your bank statements online.

NotMeNoNo · 08/10/2021 17:28

You need to say "Mum, thanks for dealing with my correspondence for the last 19 years but I will open my own post now and let you know about anything relevant, can you please leave it for me here." And mention the privacy/legal thing if necessary.

I deal with my teens "official" post as they have additional needs and just lose/forget things and then we miss appointments, benefit claims etc. Periodically I check it's OK with them. I'd have no problem if they wanted me to stop but then it's down to them to manage their life business.

It might not need to be an argument but you would have a good case if she resists. Try asking clearly and politely first.

starfishmummy · 08/10/2021 17:33

@SurferBoy02 our local hospital offers correspondence to be sent by email. We get an insert about it with any paper letters they send so maybe your hospital offers similar (and your Mum hasn't told you). You could contact your hospital departmental secretary or admin team to ask.

JustDanceAddict · 08/10/2021 18:21

Get your bank statements online (by email).
Other than that you’ll
Just have to tell her not to
Open your post or direct it somewhere else.
My daughter is at uni and I do open anything ‘official’ as she has given me permission as she’s not here to open it!

WeAllHaveWings · 08/10/2021 19:51

I remember my mum was the same when I was that age. She used to go through my room too looking for things. I would put a piece of tape on my drawers and would see she had been in them most days. I once bought a locked box and hid it in my room to store private things in and within 24hrs she asked me what it was for. Her stance was always it was her home and she could look at anything in it.

I never really understood why she did it, it was so intrusive it affected our relationship longterm and I reacted by keeping her at arms length for most of our adult relationship.

If you can, I never felt I could, speak to her calmly and tell her while you cant stop her, she is not only not respecting your privacy but damaging your relationship and if she continues some damage cannot be mended.

Wonderstar52 · 15/02/2025 20:48

Im 25 , my mum still does this despite me asking politely to stop being nosey she doesn't open them but still reads them and then asks me later about them and then denys reading them and then said I can do what I want in my own house despite them saying private and confidential on them

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