How do you help an anxious teen with no friends?

[parrotonmyshoulder]

She’s only year 8 and feels/ looks/ acts young for her age. Huge secondary school with very little pastoral care. Hasn’t made any friends really. There was one last year but they seem to have drifted apart and DD doesn’t know how to make it work.
Yes, clubs etc, following her interests. She does try things, but they don’t lead to friendships for her - just people to smile at and say hi to, but not what she wants.
I entirely understand how miserable it must be for her and I’m impressed that she goes to school relatively fuss-free each day.
I don’t know who to ask for help, what I can do? She has just started counselling but that won’t be a quick fix, if it helps with this at all.

My DS was the same at that age. What finally got him some friends was plucking up the courage to join a football team. Some of the members were horrible as he wasn’t very good at first but he turned up every week and eventually became one of the lads . From then on his confidence slowly increased though he still struggled with new situations like starting a part time job. He would have a meltdown due to his anxiety. This week he started an apprenticeship and for the first time ever no meltdown. I am so proud he has come this far . It may be a long journey OP but don’t give up. Just encourage and be as supportive as you can. Can your daughter join an activity or even volunteer somewhere . I think when they relax and focus on something else their confidence grows a bit .

Thank you. I’m glad things worked out okay for your son.
She does do activities, in and out of school. She needs encouragement to go, but does enjoy them. They will build confidence over time, I’m sure, and give her a wider range of interests. But they don’t lead to a friend. Someone to text, have round, meet up with.
DH doesn’t get it - ‘she just has to wait to meet the right people, there’s loads of people like her’ (true, actually, but doesn’t help right now and it’s hard to wait for uni or work when you’re 12!).

I want to run away with her for the next 5 years.
That won’t help either!

Do they change forms in yr9? This happened at my DD's school and it was so helpful.
My DD struggled in yr7 and 8 but turned a corner in yr 9 and now has a lovely bunch of friends.
My older DSD commented that friendships that last tend to form in yr9.
Hang in there! Keep trying clubs, smile, chat to people, hopefully she'll find someone she chimes with. DD is now good friends with a girl who used to chat to her in PE. Never in the same classes but their friendship has grown.

Thank you. I don’t think they change forms again in year 9, but other people have told me that friendships become more secure around then. I know she has to find people who share her (idiosyncratic!) interests. She can’t see who they are because they are probably quiet and in the opposite corner of the room! She did see someone this week who she thought was on her own, so plans to talk to her.
I know you can’t manufacture friendships. I wish there was a ‘how to’ guide though.

Try the book "https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0141353252/ref=ppxyoodtbbsearchasinn_image?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It massively helped my daughter. Just the stuff about saying hello really makes a difference.

What does she do outside of school? I think outside interests are good for building self esteem and having a friendship group outside of school is always valuable.
If there's nothing specific she likes, maybe something like Guides or Scouts?

An individual sport outside school - they learn in a group but there’s not much time for chat! And it’s in a city about an hour away.
Music lessons.
She did do a drama group but doesn’t want to this year. Is getting involved in a production at school.
Guides has been virtual since March 2020 and she couldn’t handle zoom meetings well so has stopped.
She reads and writes. Not social activities!

The production at school sounds like a great idea.
She sounds pretty busy. With the music I was going to suggest maybe joining a youth orchestra or band perhaps if she has time?
Is there a creative writing club at school?
The other thing my DD is enjoying, she's yr10 now is GCSE art - they can use the art rooms at lunchtime for finishing work and she has a tribe of arty friends that do this a couple of days a week

My DD and DSs have made lots of friends at scouts.

What was she like at primary school? Is she still in touch with friends from there?

@PieMistee

My DD and DSs have made lots of friends at scouts.

If Guides aren't meeting in person yet, maybe Scouts might be worth a try?

Can you talk to her form tutor or head of year? There will be others in just the same boat. Does she walk to school or get the bus? That seems to be where my kids friendships have formed.

Why is she having counselling?

Is she actually unhappy?

She goes to school without fuss, enjoys her extra curricular activities and has the confidence to get involved with a school production. All very positive.

She enjoys music, reading and writing - it sounds like she has a rich hinterland.

And a close relationship with her mum. So is not having friends at this stage in her life actually making her unhappy?

My dd is like this now and she's only 9 really struggles with friendships. I worry so much for her future.

This happened to DS2. It is so painful to watch. Tell her to keep at it with the clubs. Friendships can be very slow to form, but they will. She might need to be proactive though.

DS2 went to a club he enjoyed for four years outside school and never made any friends there, as far as he could tell. But he was missing loads of cues for friendship. One boy asked him to join in an offshoot club. He did it and that was that. It never occurred to him the boy was trying to be friends. And on the very last day, he agreed to come for coffee afterwards and they all said, 'we always wondered why you never hung out with us afterwards - you just rushed off.' He assumed they wouldn't want to be his friend and so hurried away out of shyness.

Maybe after a few months she could suggest a general meet up for hot chocolate after club one day. Or to ask a few of the quieter ones to do something related to their interest. (DS's mistake was to ask the noisy ones who already had a good socila life and shook him off.)

She could set up a WhatsApp for one or two of the clubs and post on it. It took DS a long time to make friends but he has now and they are good ones. I really hope this happens for her.

School needs to be way more active in this too. talk to them and emphasise the MH dangers of loneliness and isolation. Ask them to look out for other isolated children in her year and maybe get them together for a lunch club under the guise of volunteering or being chosen for something. Don't let school ignore it.

You mention that she reads and writes and these aren't social activities but they so are! She could set up a book club at school or a creative writing circle. Creative Writing is a very quick way of making very close friendships.

Does she have someone to spend break and lunch with, so she’s not alone ?
My DD had ‘friends’ at school that she would sit with for break/lunch but she never saw them out of school. In fact she had no friends out of school, spent all her time with us.
Some schools have things for the ‘lonely’ ones to do at these times, such as sitting in the library together, or they might sit in a teachers room at lunch and staple work together etc. Very often school staff can spot the ones struggling.

What does your DD think friendship looks like and what does she understand about the process of making/being a friend? Although it's hard if she's feeling anxious, trying to focus on being friendly/a friend towards someone else is often more effective than trying to recruit friends. Making friends does take effort and it won't always be reciprocated. She may need to keep going with the smiling and saying hello, build it up to walking/sitting alongside someone, ask them questions about themselves or about a shared experience e.g. "what did you think about assembly today?". The school production may well offer lots of opportunities for this sort of interaction as she'll know everyone there has a common interest.

In terms of her other interests, if there's a sixth form could she email the head of Y8 and ask if a sixth former could run a book group or creative writing club, maybe as part of DofE if the school does it? If there's no sixth form, there may be Y10/11s who'd be up for doing something.

It can feel hard to make friends, especially as it often feels as though everyone else has good friendships but it's also the case that it is an active process; friendship won't just happen and may need your DD to be the friend she'd like to have first.

Thanks for your helpful ideas.

@leavesthataregreen
You mention that she reads and writes and these aren't social activities but they so are!

I agree, they can be. But for her they are not - they are solitary and personal. She does not want to share them. She does want to meet other people who share them as interests though!

@AmanitaRubescens
Why is she having counselling?

Is she actually unhappy?

Yes. She is unhappy. She sees that other people of her age have friends and that she doesn’t. She is having counselling because I have been trying to help her with this for 12 years and failed. So I thought someone else might be able to help.

She isn’t constantly, continually unhappy. But going to school everyday to face being lonely at every break and lunchtime makes her sad.

I agree that she needs to make an effort and have tried to help with this over many years. Unfortunately, her self belief is worsening as she sees herself more rejected. It’s a negative cycle and hard to get out of.

I have a meeting with school soon and will make some suggestions. Some I’ve already tried though.

I noticed it was a month since I started this thread and am posting in case of any further advice!
Each meeting I have set up with the school has been cancelled. It is not even possible to speak to anyone! I have had some responses to emails, as things worsened after I’d posted and I needed a response.
Nothing is any different though, and not through any lack of effort here.
Unfortunately, it’s back to school today. DD is sad, anxious and feeling isolated. None of these make for a good start to the week.

Added to this, she’s become afraid of being on her own and so all her routines are out the window.

I don’t know what to do!

So sorry to hear this. It's really bad that you have not been able to meet with the school. Keep badgering them, the form teacher, the head of year, the SENCO if she's suffering from anxiety.

My DDs school has a lunch club for quiet kids struggling to make friends - they get to hang out together, play board games and hopefully meet like minded kids.

Does she know how to make friends? Have you talked to her about moving a friendship on from chatting at school, to suggesting meeting up outside school?

Or does she not even have any warm leads like that? Is there a ‘nice girl in maths’ at all?

Is she able to chat to people at all or is she spending the day in silence?

And to second the question asked above, is she spending lunch on her own?

If she’s conspicuously on her own, you need to act, because to me that’s seems like it will be damaging her. You need some sort of emergency strategy.

She’s always found it difficult and as a little girl preferred being on her own - I always worried she wasn’t getting enough ‘practice’ at friendships. Primary school were as unhelpful as secondary seems to be. Their strategy was a ‘play buddy’ who had to publicly volunteer to be her friend each day. She hated it!
I have talked, practised, coached lots of friendship strategies. She is now seeing a counsellor who is trying similar.
But it’s hard, isn’t it, to feel like you’re having to try! A serious knock back a few weeks ago (leading to the fear) hasn’t helped ar all.
I realise that the lonelier she is, and looks, the harder it gets to break out of it.

Things that have helped my kids similar age

Pokemon Go (once they establish a peer is on there they send gifts etc and have something to talk about)

Sharing - having a pack of polos or other sweets to share

Props - sitting at breaks with a magazine or book so not feeling isolated

Help - where there was a glimmer of a connection asking said connection to meet to go swimming - usually parent will drive and you can sometimes find a wavelength to prop up a starting friendship
Also sports and music classes, wait outside for Dd and make acquaintances with the other parents.

Coaching - understand that the does not mean anything bad about her in life you just don’t feel connected till a good enough connection presents itself - many people make superficial connections that might look fun but for a thoughtful person like dd these might not hit the spot so not to feel envious

Jobs - for the teachers eurgh I know but it is helpful to look busy sometimes

It’s hard and horrible but really try not to raise it often as she will find her way