How do you help an anxious teen with no friends?

[parrotonmyshoulder]

She’s only year 8 and feels/ looks/ acts young for her age. Huge secondary school with very little pastoral care. Hasn’t made any friends really. There was one last year but they seem to have drifted apart and DD doesn’t know how to make it work.
Yes, clubs etc, following her interests. She does try things, but they don’t lead to friendships for her - just people to smile at and say hi to, but not what she wants.
I entirely understand how miserable it must be for her and I’m impressed that she goes to school relatively fuss-free each day.
I don’t know who to ask for help, what I can do? She has just started counselling but that won’t be a quick fix, if it helps with this at all.

Do you suspect ASD or similar?

@ShowMeHow

Thank you for your ideas. I do think they’re helpful, and are similar to what I’m doing. I’m not sure about this though:

‘It’s hard and horrible but really try not to raise it often as she will find her way’
I’m not convinced she will find her way and am worried for her while she waits to find it. I don’t, however, ‘bring it up’ - that very much comes from her!

She’s always found it difficult and as a little girl preferred being on her own Is there any chance she actually did prefer being on her own?

I read 'Quiet girl in a noisy world' and it spoke a lot to me. I am not totally quiet and do have friends but I am really not a socialiser.

Might your daughter feel happier if she understood that half the world is also very quiet, and that is absolutely fine?

Thank you. She did and does like being on her own (until the recent frightening incident). But she wants to have a friend, and not to feel lonely at school. She sees other people with friends and believes it’s easy for them.

@parrotonmyshoulder

Thank you. She did and does like being on her own (until the recent frightening incident). But she wants to have a friend, and not to feel lonely at school. She sees other people with friends and believes it’s easy for them.

It is not easy for a large number of people and it may really benefit her to learn that half the world feels as she does.

I read on here I think that it is useful to explain to kids to 'never judge your insides against other people's outsides'.

Just ordered the book you mentioned. Thank you.

Can you get in contact and email her tutor? Ask if they can advertise a creative writing or book lunch club, perhaps a design a book or book cover competion. Might attract a few of the quieter like minded ones... Then perhaps your DD could suggest to any takers meeting up somewhere together to share ideas on the work...
I would be perhaps trying to get suggestions of who she thinks she'd like to get to know, and organising some craft get togethers or something maybe so they can get to know each other but whilst busy crafting to take the pressure off. Perhaps you can try and contact a couple of the parents to see if you can organise something?

My dd is struggling. She’s y7. She’s also selectively mute, and too anxious to go to extra curricular activities.

I’m considering home Ed as half the time she’s too anxious to go to school anyway but I’m worried she’ll become totally isolated

My dd struggled a bit years 7 and 8 but then fell into a big group in year 9. She's quiet, studious, loves reading, struggled to connect. Was bullied a bit in primary.

Her social skills got better, that helped. Eye contact, smiling, initiating conversation.

We got Disney Plus, Netflix, Spotify and various computer games.

They seem to connect by liking the same programmes, music, computer games mainly, then playing them as a group, or watching a boxset.

I think they need something to latch onto. As they get setted in year 9 they meet more people. If they can find a shared like, it's the start of something.

I also think encouraging dd to think a little about fashion helped. She wasn't too into it previously but it helps with fitting in.

I worried terribly about dd but honestly by mid year 9 she was out every weekend doing something or other.. Dh has become the taxi driver. They just need one or two to let them in.