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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How would you deal with this?

38 replies

GoGoPowerScooter · 21/09/2021 15:23

15 year old DD being mean to 13 year old step sister. Constant nasty digs at her, but claiming it's all jokes and banter In the last two weeks she has called 13 year old fat, incompetent, and useless. Has also made nasty comments about 13 year old's disabilities, pointing out lots of things she can do that 13 year old can't manage, eg running, balancing, lifting heavy things, and stuff which involves coordination. Saying in front of 13 year old that she is prettier, slimmer, taller, healthier, and has nicer hair. 13 year old has ASD, ADHD, and dyspraxia. Girls were previously close and haven't argued, and 13 year old is sad and bewildered. Currently making sure they're not in the same house at the same time. Attempts to discuss with 15 year old have been fruitless - disingenuous claims of banter. WWYD?

OP posts:

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 21/09/2021 15:46

I'm not sure how I would deal with it but I'd be pulling her right up on the "banter" excuse. Saying things are "banter" does not excuse you for being a horrible, abusive bully.

FatCatThinCat · 21/09/2021 15:54

If it were my DD she'd be getting read the riot act. It's not banter, it's cruel abusive bullying and it stops now. I'd cut my DD's wifi off for increasing lengths of time if it continued as this is the ultimate punishment for her. Your poor step daughter being treated like this in her own home :(

Magicstars · 21/09/2021 16:07

Sounds very unpleasant & unacceptable.

Is your Dd being bullied & school & acting this out at home where she feels powerful over dsd?

This goes against the grain with punishments, but can you spend quality time with Dd & have a heart to heart with her? Explain the impact on dsd. Speak to her as an adult & explain you don't expect, nor respect bullying of any form.

Obvs also show dsd a lot of love & encourage her confidence similarly. Perhaps some mediation/ family therapy.

Original poster

GoGoPowerScooter · 21/09/2021 16:08

Thanks for replies - realised I've mixed up my abbreviations, sorry! 13 year old is mine; 15 year old is DP's. I don't think there have been any consequences for her behaviour as far as I can see, and I'm so upset and angry with both 15 year old and DP. He says he's ashamed of her behaviour, but other than chatting to her to try to get to the bottom of it, he doesn't seem to have addressed anything with her. So disappointed in him.

OP posts:

Jigsawprison · 21/09/2021 16:13

If dp wasn't doing anything to improve the situation I'd be getting rid of them in order to protect my own dc.
Your dc should feel safe in their own home not bullied.

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 21/09/2021 16:15

If dp wasn't doing anything to improve the situation I'd be getting rid of them in order to protect my own dc

That's pretty much how I would deal with it.

Sit "D"P down, tell him that this is absolutely unacceptable and ask him how he's going to sort it. If it happens again you're through.

OnlySpam · 21/09/2021 16:19

I take it the 15 year old doesn't live with you? If that's the case then I'd be telling your DP that he has to see her away from the home (again, I'm assuming you live with him?)

Banter is just another word for bullying and it would be stopping now as far as I was concerned.

So my immediate plan would be to tell her she has to stop immediately. And this is her last chance - if she continues, then she unfortunately won't be able to come over and Dad will be seeing her elsewhere

I don't really think you can do anything else at this point

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2021 16:23

I take it the 15 year old doesn't live with you? If that's the case then I'd be telling your DP that he has to see her away from the home (again, I'm assuming you live with him?)

Absolutely not. It's her home too and the answer to poor behaviour isn't withdrawing love.

There would be some short, sharp consequences though. And a reassessment of 'banter' in your house. Is it something DP does? Unfunny jokes at people's expense? I find the phrase, "it's a joke when the other person laughs" effective. Otherwise it's just abuse. And I'd use that word, because it is emotional abuse.

Muttly · 21/09/2021 16:24

If this is new behaviour I would be trying to get to the bottom of what is causing it, if I were her parent. Since you are the parent of the children being bullied I would relentlessly take her out of the line of fire until your SDs parents have sorted what is going on. Your poor DD, that is so upsetting for her.

Muttly · 21/09/2021 16:26

Oh and as the saying goes “hurt people, hurt people” so I wouldn’t be looking to punishment to address your SD behaviour rather I would be looking for someone who could help her tease out the emotions she is experiencing that is driving this behaviour.

Original poster

GoGoPowerScooter · 21/09/2021 16:27

It's easy enough to keep the girls apart at the moment as we don't all live together. DP and I have our own homes, but until this happened the plan was to move in together. We've had to pull out of a house purchase because of it, and lost a significant amount of money we'd spent on surveys/solicitors etc. But at the moment, DP's attitude is simply that we won't spend time together with the kids until his DD can behave better. It's not cutting it with me, I'm fucking furious, and I don't know how to tackle it. I won't see him now until Monday next week, which at least gives me some thinking time.

OP posts:

OnlySpam · 21/09/2021 16:29

@MrsTerryPratchett nobody is saying anything about withdrawing love.

As the parent of the 13 year old, OP has to do anything she can within her power to stop this bullying of her daughter. And it's gone WAY beyond 'bants' by the sound of it

She's been spoken to countless times. She's won't stop. So it's time for a final chat and then damn right I'd be saying she was no longer welcome in my home until she grew up a bit. Mocking disabilities is not affects me on any level ... is it?

The 15 year old is not the OPs responsibility- her DP needs to step up and sort it or see his daughter elsewhere

Seems sensible to me

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 21/09/2021 16:29

Ok so do you think that she's behaving like this on purpose to stop you moving in together?

Mombie2021 · 21/09/2021 16:30

Dump him.

His DD is a bully - worse, she’s bullying a disabled child and he is doing fuck all other than “chat with her”.

Nah. I’d be reading my DD the fucking riot act and taking away everything she loved for that behaviour.

OnlySpam · 21/09/2021 16:30

@GoGoPowerScooter sounds sensible to me. And good you both live in separate houses.

I'd now take this time to reconsider my relationship with this spineless idiot

Original poster

GoGoPowerScooter · 21/09/2021 16:31

Neither DP nor I laugh at others' expense, no. In my house,we consider everyone's needs (both DC have ASD), and I've taught kindness and compassion. The phrase "it's only funny if everyone's finding it funny" is definitely our ethos. DP is similar, but I suspect his ex isn't: all three of his kids have an "edge" to their humour, which I think sometimes crosses a line, eg taking the piss out of their grandparents' quirks. Makes me twitch a bit.

OP posts:

OnlySpam · 21/09/2021 16:31

And have I just read that right? You've lost money on a house purchase because his daughter is misbehaving?

Muttly · 21/09/2021 16:32

So sorry you had to drop out of the house purchase but that was absolutely a fantastic thing you did for your daughter. She will definitely benefit hugely from you among that choice.

I would be very disappointed if my husband wasn’t stepping up in this situation too.

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/09/2021 16:34

I think DPs DD15 doesn’t want to move in and play happy family. Did you involve your children in the decision to buy a house and move in together?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2021 16:34

If she doesn't live with you, that is easier. Is she getting what she wants, not to move?

Original poster

GoGoPowerScooter · 21/09/2021 16:35

I think there's a lot going on for his DD emotionally - lots of issues with her mum and her partner (who do live together, and DSD can't stand him), and I want to show her compassion. It's not easy being fifteen at the best of times, and she's had a fair bit of upheaval to deal with. But so have my kids, FFS, and they're never mean/spiteful/vicious to others. They're definitely not perfect, and they drive me bonkers at times for many reasons, but I'm happy to say I've never been ashamed of them for being unkind. I do think DSD has acted out to stop us living together, even though she's said she wanted us to, even saying she'd prefer to have more time at ours than at her mum's. But I think there's so much emotional stuff going on for her that she simply doesn't know what she wants. And I don't care how much anybody's hurting, they don't have the right to hurt other people, particularly not younger, more vulnerable children.

OP posts:

Original poster

GoGoPowerScooter · 21/09/2021 16:37

@PlanDeRaccordement

I think DPs DD15 doesn’t want to move in and play happy family. Did you involve your children in the decision to buy a house and move in together?

Yes, we did. We discussed it over several months, and looked at what was important to everyone. At no point did she raise any concerns about it, seemed really happy that she'd be spending more time with my kids.

OP posts:

purpleboy · 21/09/2021 16:40

Sounds like there is something else going on, your DP needs to try and get to the bottom of it, this behaviour is unacceptable, and if her father is proving useless at dealing with it, I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for him to get his shit together.

Muttly · 21/09/2021 16:45

But I think there's so much emotional stuff going on for her that she simply doesn't know what she wants. And I don't care how much anybody's hurting, they don't have the right to hurt other people, particularly not younger, more vulnerable children

I completely agree she has absolutely no right to abuse or bully your child. She is still a child too though and she has limited power and control on the decisions that will affect her greatly and already from what you have said, she is having a tough time if it. She needs to be taught better ways of dealing with this stuff that is coming up for her because clearly being abusive is absolutely wrong. But that is her parent’s job to listen to her, to mitigate this stuff when possible or otherwise to teach her better ways of coping with the stuff going on for her, you on the other hand, by the looks of things are the one with your eye on the ball with regards parenting your daughter.

OnlySpam · 21/09/2021 16:46

This all sounds familiar now - I think you've posted about this 15 year old recently.

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