How would you deal with this?

[GoGoPowerScooter]

15 year old DD being mean to 13 year old step sister. Constant nasty digs at her, but claiming it's all jokes and banter In the last two weeks she has called 13 year old fat, incompetent, and useless. Has also made nasty comments about 13 year old's disabilities, pointing out lots of things she can do that 13 year old can't manage, eg running, balancing, lifting heavy things, and stuff which involves coordination. Saying in front of 13 year old that she is prettier, slimmer, taller, healthier, and has nicer hair. 13 year old has ASD, ADHD, and dyspraxia. Girls were previously close and haven't argued, and 13 year old is sad and bewildered. Currently making sure they're not in the same house at the same time. Attempts to discuss with 15 year old have been fruitless - disingenuous claims of banter. WWYD?

15 year old is seeing a counsellor to help her unpick her feelings about lots of things. I know she's a child, I know she probably feels powerless over many things in her life, I do feel for her in many ways. But my kids come first with me, and they absolutely won't be seeing her any time soon. I'm gutted we won't be living together, but it's the right decision for all of us. I won't have my children damaged; they're fucking awesome, and they need to feel loved and accepted - not just accepted, but celebrated, damnit - in their own home.

How were these discussions done? If DD15 was put on the spot in front of you, she might have said yes to avoid conflict. Did your DP discuss it with her privately? Or she might have agreed without really thinking and when it became a pending reality and she felt all the emotions involved could have caused her to change her mind. She is leaving her home after all to move to a new home and that can be stressful for a teen even without the added pressure of stepmom and step siblings. Also, how would the move affect her friendships and her schooling? Isn’t she in middle of GCSEs?

It is up to your DP to get to the bottom of this and I think he’s actually right to keep his DD15 away from your kids until she can behave better. Protecting your children from bullying has to be the first priority. Second to moving in together.

And if it turns out that it’s too much for DD15, well she will be out on her own in next 3-5yrs and if your relationship is strong, you can wait to live together.

I agree she needs to be away from my children until she can behave better - that's not the issue. It's whether DP is actually going to do anything to address the behaviour. Because if the only thing he's prepared to do is to wait for it to blow over, well...that's not ok, and that's what's making me reconsider our whole relationship.

Of course he discussed the move with her on their own, many times. I don't think for a minute that our wish to live together should come before any of the children's needs, and I've said above that I know we've made the right decision not to move house. Doesn't mean I can't feel a bit sad/disappointed about it though.

But Gogo if she is seeing a therapist then your DP is doing something about the behaviour. I think though that he needs to speak with the therapist and then find ways to reassure his daughter so she feels safer in this whole process.

Could it be that the moving in with her mother’s DP has been a disaster and she is likely concerned that the same will happen in the case of your DP and you moving in together and she freaked out? Given her awful behaviour and your natural and normal and appropriate instinct to protect your child I suspect it would have been a disaster if you had moved in when your SD wasn’t feeling ok with it all. This is new behaviour so there is something at the root of it because clearly she was capable of being a decent soul before it.

It is really hard on you but you are doing the right thing protecting your child and there are no easy answers, getting SD feeling like part of this family situation again and building her confidence and not ostracising her by punishment is going to take time and effort particularly from your DP. I know you feel frustrated, who wouldn’t in your shoes, but this is a child and she needs discipline from your DP not punishment to sort things and if he isn’t doing that, then he is a problem too.

The 15 year old is clearly either jealous or feeling rubbish about herself. What’s her mum like? Her experience of the other home? School stressful? Friendships stressful? Future steps anxieties? Puberty?

Personally I’ think your DH and yourself need to spend a month really making her feel well loved and secure. Thank her when she’s kind and appreciate every considerate gesture she makes. Hopefully she will feel valued and start to talk about her problems.

The issues sound like a passing blip. If I overheard the 15 year old talking to the 13year old, saying she was prettier or more intelligent, I’d kindly ask her if others speak to her like that?

Also once the adults are more tuned to the 15 year olds issues, some alone time together without adults could be beneficial to both girls. Something fun like Drayton manner or some weekly activity based on a shared interest. Ask the 15 year old to coordinate the activity

I agree she needs to be away from my children until she can behave better - that's not the issue. It's whether DP is actually going to do anything to address the behaviour. Because if the only thing he's prepared to do is to wait for it to blow over, well...that's not ok, and that's what's making me reconsider our whole relationship.

DD15 is seeing a therapist, what more can your DP do? When someone is mentally unwell, punishment for poor behaviour is the absolute worst thing a parent can do.

Why are you assuming I mean punishment? I've said many times upthread that I understand she's struggling, that she's a child too, that it's not easy being fifteen, and that she's obviously unhappy and feels that many things in her life are out of her control. I want DP to address the behaviour in terms of helping her understand why it's not ok to express her feelings by bullying my vulnerable thirteen year old. Simply waiting for it to blow over won't change anything. She's had the therapist for over a year now, it's not that it's been set up as a result of what's happened recently. I sincerely hope that's helping her cope with difficult emotions. But I think it's DP's job as her parent to teach her and help her to understand that hurting doesn't equal hurting others, and that picking on a younger, disabled child for things they can't help is wrong. That's what I mean when I say "dealing with" the behaviour. I'm not a monster who thinks she needs a clip round the ear and to be grounded forever.

I didn’t assume you meant punishment, I was merely listing it as the worst thing your DP could do.

DP and I have our own homes, but until this happened the plan was to move in together. We've had to pull out of a house purchase because of it, and lost a significant amount of money we'd spent on surveys/solicitors etc.

Good for you prioritising you're kids over your dp

This is really sad OP. I think you are being incredibly reasonable. I hope things improve for you.

Also a therapist won't deal with an issue that hasn't been disclosed to theM. I wonder if the therapist even knows this is going on.

Why are you assuming I mean punishment?

Gogo I think you are doing absolutely everything right in the circumstances and I think the frustration you are experiencing with the pace of getting this resolved is totally understandable. You probably can see that your DP is not being effective enough at managing the situation which is bound to cause even more frustration.

The thing that might be worth remembering here is that the individuals in the situation have very different needs and agendas, you obviously love your DP and want to start a life together, whereas your SD is likely terrified that she will end up in yet another shitty home environment she has no say in. She has very little power in this situation in terms of decision making, that all lies with her Dad and you and her way of forcing her agenda is likely through her behaviour.

So unpicking that behaviour is likely to require her feeling genuinely reassured that she doesn’t end up in the second shitty living arrangement she is so afraid of. That is going to take time and there is no magic bullet that will instantly sort this out. You being part of that reassurance will likely be part of that remedy too but obviously it is chicken and egg in that you quite rightly require her behaviour to change towards your daughter because your daughter cannot be abused by her as collateral damage.

Thanks for all the replies - lots of food for thought there. It's shocked me quite how angry I am with DP's DD, and with DP too. I should say, this isn't to do with disappointment about not moving in together - I've made my peace with that, it clearly wasn't right for any of us, and I'm still relieved that we pulled out of the purchase. This is simple anger at how she's treated my DD, and fury with DP for not dealing with it adequately. Going to have a chat with friends this evening about future with DP, and I'm going to stay away from his DD while I still feel this way - much the same as she needs to stay away from my DD until she can behave! I do recognise that my feelings towards her are irrational, that she's a child too, that she's hurting and acting out - but right now I'd like to drop kick her into next week. Which isn't ok, hence keeping my distance. It's just seeing how my DD is - she's sad and bewildered, she doesn't understand what she's done wrong, and she's missing somebody she thought was one of her best friends.