Helping son settle in sixth form

slowloris76 · 2021-09-19T07:19:32+00:00

Hi - very infrequent poster just looking for advice or experiences of others who’ve gone through this. My son chose to leave his small school sixth form to attend a very large sixth form college. Part of the reason for this decision was to study a subject not offered at his school. He otherwise enjoyed the school, it was nearby and his friends were mostly staying on. We talked a lot about this over the summer - pros and cons- helped him do the commute etc. He’s started now and doesn’t want to do the subject he’s gone to the college to study, though has enjoyed his other two A levels he picked. I’m not bothered about him changing and we’ve looked through the courses to find possible other options. It’s been a week and he’s also found it quite daunting adjusting to the huge numbers of students, a commute on public transport vs a walk and a longer school day. He does know some other students there and I think he’ll get used to the college eventually. However, now that he’s dropping that subject I think he’s tempted to go back to his school’s sixth form. I’m not sure how I feel about that and I don’t think it’s the best choice, particularly for one subject and also in terms of wider opportunities. Ultimately as a young adult it’s his decision and I am trying to take a step back. I’ve told him he needs to work out how to do all this himself now and make the decision. I find indecision really stressful so I’m struggling to sleep alongside my usual start of term insomnia (as a teacher!). Any words of wisdom from others who have been through this with teenagers welcome! Anything else we could do to help him decide?

FortunesFave · 19/09/2021 09:10

Why would you make him work it all out himself? I'd help him work it out. It sounds like he'll be happier in his old school.

Original poster

slowloris76 · 19/09/2021 09:16

Um, because he’s 16 and needs to advocate for himself? We’ve chatted about it and I’ve suggested how he could go about contacting the head of sixth form at his old school. If he’s serious about switching then he should initiate at least some of this himself. I’m not sure I’m serving him well by just sorting out all his problems for him!

OP posts:

GreenEggsAndHamPlease · 19/09/2021 09:24

It's a big decision though, I can't imagine telling my DS to work it out for himself, it's my job as his parent to help him. We are currently looking at Universities, we are taking him to open days, discussing at length which degree he would do, which setting would suit him best, etc etc. And will continue to help him with his application, budgeting etc. The adult brain isn't fully formed until the age of 25, no way a 16 yr old can magically know the answer.
In your position I would encourage him to put his happiness first, if he's struggling to adapt to the larger college and is able to return to a familiar place where his friends are, I'd tell him this is a good choice.

FortunesFave · 19/09/2021 09:28

Sure, at 16 kids are capable of sorting some things out but when it comes to admin regarding their education, it's still very much part of parenting to offer support.

I was left completely alone to sort my education out...and to be quite frank I've always been resentful about that. Yes, I did manage it all but not without some hiccups and delays.

If you want to encourage him to be independent, maybe support him whilst he researches things...help him make those calls etc.

My DD is 17 and I still help her sort out her admin. Of course I show her what it is that needs to be done...and help her manage some things but they're not fully grown yet.

EssentiallyDisorganised · 19/09/2021 09:28

I would help out, its a big decision and time is of the essence. Students do this at my son's 6th form in both directions every year but the sooner a decision is made the better.

Original poster

slowloris76 · 19/09/2021 09:37

Totally regretting the let him work it out comment now because we’re definitely not just leaving him to it! He’s had a huge amount of support from us to this point and if anything I am overly involved in making decisions regarding his education. We went through all the pros/cons of both sixth forms all through summer. I’ve sat with him and we’ve researched uni courses, grades, other options and all that. What I mean is he needs to weigh up the possibly temporary discomfort of starting a new school with the potential long term benefits of being at a larger college. If he decides to return to his school then we will help with that, of course. But my point is that HE needs to do some thinking and researching in order to help him come to a decision. That I cannot do for him.

OP posts:

DameAlyson · 19/09/2021 09:40

I think a week is too short a time to decide that he doesn't enjoy the subject and he doesn't like the college. Has he seen the syllabus for the whole course?

As to the commute and the bigger college, I think that's just a matter of settling in and getting used to it. Any change/new stage in life takes time to become accustomed to.

Mybalconyiscracking · 19/09/2021 09:45

My DD started 6th Form college last year, after 3 days it was obvious that the Covid restrictions made it a non starter. We contacted head of school 6th form that evening and he was back in school Friday afternoon.
They expect chopping and changing, but you need to do it ASAP.

Original poster

slowloris76 · 19/09/2021 09:48

The course he doesn’t like is a language, so quite difficult anyway, and there are a large number of native speakers so he feels his knowledge of vocabulary and grammar are well below what’s expected at this point. He feels carrying on may result in a low grade and impact on offers for uni in his preferred subject. We’ve talked about this and I did contact the teacher, but he seems pretty certain he wants to drop it. I tend to agree that he’ll get used to the college/commute in time….

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 19/09/2021 10:04

@slowloris76

The course he doesn’t like is a language, so quite difficult anyway, and there are a large number of native speakers so he feels his knowledge of vocabulary and grammar are well below what’s expected at this point. He feels carrying on may result in a low grade and impact on offers for uni in his preferred subject. We’ve talked about this and I did contact the teacher, but he seems pretty certain he wants to drop it. I tend to agree that he’ll get used to the college/commute in time….

Is it Welsh?

JaninaDuszejko · 19/09/2021 10:14

We are currently looking at Universities, we are taking him to open days, discussing at length which degree he would do, which setting would suit him best, etc etc.

I know this is completely standard these days but when I went to Uni in the 80s I arranged a trip to see the Universities with some of my classmates with no input from the parents (beyond them paying for it!). I grew up on a Scottish island with no public transport and yet managed at 17 to sort out boat and train tickets plus acommodation for several people pre internet and pre-mobile phones. I'm not convinced we are doing our children any favours by coddling them so much.

clary · 19/09/2021 10:20

@slowloris76

The course he doesn’t like is a language, so quite difficult anyway, and there are a large number of native speakers so he feels his knowledge of vocabulary and grammar are well below what’s expected at this point. He feels carrying on may result in a low grade and impact on offers for uni in his preferred subject. We’ve talked about this and I did contact the teacher, but he seems pretty certain he wants to drop it. I tend to agree that he’ll get used to the college/commute in time….

What language is it?

What would he pick up instead at his old school?

Original poster

slowloris76 · 19/09/2021 10:27

It’s German. There’s a weirdly high number of native speakers who seem to have come from some private German school elsewhere in London (at least some of them). He’d pick up biology at both the school and sixth form to go with physics and maths. He’s interested in a maths based degree so the third a level isn’t really relevant, he just loved German (or maybe his teacher?) at GCSE. I don’t know if his school GCSE was super rigorous - ended up being an after school offering with a mix of foundation and higher tier students. I know nothing about A level languages though!

OP posts:

EssentiallyDisorganised · 19/09/2021 10:42

When I was a teen (1980s pre internet) my parents left me to it too, I also travelled the length and breadth if the land on my own to open days. Not convinced it did me any favours at all apart from increased confidence in travelling alone. I had absolutely no idea what I was looking for in a university or course and could really have done with more guidance. It was definitely luck I ended up on a course that suited me, I had no idea about what to make of the possible options in my subject area, no real grasp of vocational subjects etc.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2021 11:06

I’d be supporting my child more at this stage, and I’d be contacting the school. Yes he needs to learn to advocate but he’s sixteen and it’s his education.

FortunesFave · 19/09/2021 11:18

@EssentiallyDisorganised

When I was a teen (1980s pre internet) my parents left me to it too, I also travelled the length and breadth if the land on my own to open days. Not convinced it did me any favours at all apart from increased confidence in travelling alone. I had absolutely no idea what I was looking for in a university or course and could really have done with more guidance. It was definitely luck I ended up on a course that suited me, I had no idea about what to make of the possible options in my subject area, no real grasp of vocational subjects etc.

Me too! I remember, I got into a very good drama school. One of the accredited London ones and they left it entirely up to me to arrange and pay for audition transport...from up North down to London...and then to sort out my accommodation when I got in AND a fucking scholarship! It was a degree but the fees were enormous and the government didn't cover them all.

I can't IMAGINE letting my child do all that alone now!

Original poster

slowloris76 · 19/09/2021 11:23

@Bluntness100

I’d be supporting my child more at this stage, and I’d be contacting the school. Yes he needs to learn to advocate but he’s sixteen and it’s his education.

Which school? We’ve been in contact with both….but he needs to decide on next steps. He knows we’ll help if he needs it but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him taking on some of the responsibility.

OP posts:

DameAlyson · 19/09/2021 11:26

There’s a weirdly high number of native speakers

That would be an advantage, wouldn't it, if he feels he lacks vocabulary? He'll pick it up if he speaks German with them.

Original poster

slowloris76 · 19/09/2021 11:43

@DameAlyson

There’s a weirdly high number of native speakers

That would be an advantage, wouldn't it, if he feels he lacks vocabulary? He'll pick it up if he speaks German with them.

I mean, I guess that seems logical but I can also see why he feels intimidated by it too. The point is we’ve gone through similar arguments with him, he and I have both spoken to the teacher, but forcing him to do the A level seems like the worst option here.

OP posts:

clary · 19/09/2021 11:43

German is good, grade boundaries mean it has historically been easier to gain a higher grade than in French (so a mark that has been a C in French has been a B in German at A level - this is AQA). But if he is not enjoying it and it's not needed then why do it. Is he doing German, phys and maths ATM? Agree biology may be a better match.

clary · 19/09/2021 11:45

Btw if he wants to do maths at uni he should consider FM if offered as a lot of maths degrees ask for it.

clary · 19/09/2021 11:47

Also (sorry for multiple posts!) being a native speaker certainly does not equal high German A level grade. Not saying anyone in his class thinks it does, but they will have to work hard too. I've seen people really come a cropper on this.

JustDanceAddict · 19/09/2021 11:56

It is his decision ultimately. Think he needs to go with his heart on this - find out if the school will have him back and I’d go from
There.
Does the college begin w W - as you mention London & large - if so, it’s very good, but also I can see why it would be intimidating at first (often kids start there & go back to original school as term starts slightly earlier). I also know they do German. Sorry if barking up wrong tree!!

Original poster

slowloris76 · 19/09/2021 12:02

Thanks Clary - yes his German teacher explained all that to him but he says he still just doesn’t feel at the right level in terms of vocabulary and grammar. I have to take his word for it! He would have to take FM as a 4th A level at the college but doesn’t want to do 4. School option doesn’t offer it. We’ve had a look and it’s really only the very top universities that require it. I think he would do FM if college didn’t insist it as part of a 4 a level study program.

OP posts:

GreenEggsAndHamPlease · 19/09/2021 13:20

@JaninaDuszejko

We are currently looking at Universities, we are taking him to open days, discussing at length which degree he would do, which setting would suit him best, etc etc.

I know this is completely standard these days but when I went to Uni in the 80s I arranged a trip to see the Universities with some of my classmates with no input from the parents (beyond them paying for it!). I grew up on a Scottish island with no public transport and yet managed at 17 to sort out boat and train tickets plus acommodation for several people pre internet and pre-mobile phones. I'm not convinced we are doing our children any favours by coddling them so much.

I also travelled to Universities by myself, by train, made my decision entirely independently... stayed 5 weeks and absolutely hated it. I left, had a year back at home working, independently visited a whole load of new Unis again, second time around and wiser to what suited me I completed a 4 year honours degree. I would have absolutely loved and valued my parents support and imput to help me make the right decision first time around. 17/18 yr olds have very little life experience, its my job as a parent to offer support in any way I can whilst encouraging independence.