Teenager won't get a part time job

[9ofpentangles]

My 17 year old is doing A levels. When I was her age, everyone, including me, had a part time job. She has half-heartedly applied for a handful of positions but there has always been something 'wrong' with the job - she doesn't want to work there, it's too many hours, too early, too late.

Now, she has been offered an interview with one of the better companies and she is refusing to go. I helped her a lot with her application and her CV and I feel as if my efforts have been thrown back in my face.

I wouldn't mind if she were really studious but, most of the time I see her, she is on her phone or listening to music, not studying so she does have time, which she claims not to have.

I think a job would ground her. At the moment, she is very chaotic and disorganised. Also, she has expensive tastes. She wouldn't use own brand shampoo, for example, she has to have the premium brands costing £6+ and she gets through one bottle a week. She also has me buying her make-up and giving her money when she meets up with friends. She likes buying new clothes as well.

I have told her all of this is stopping and Bank of Mum is firmly closed as is Mum's taxi (I don't think she has ever hopped on a bus or walked more than 5 mins up the road).

She is saying I can't make her get a job, which is true, and that many of her friends don't have one and their parents just give them money.

Any advice?

She is in her A level year, yes

Perhaps you should try the 'softly softly' approach OP?

Tell your daughter that you will provide shampoo and clothes, but at a price you can afford which obviously means not the stuff she wants, and if she wants the nicer things, then getting a job will pay for them, and that maybe she could start saving for bigger things that she really really wants ?
Stealth :)

Change her toiletries to own-brands standard, don't lend her the car, stop any pocket money.

Sit her down and agree what hours she could reasonably do alongside her school work. Agree perhaps 8 hours a week, which would give her about £40. Until she takes some work (and there is plenty available out there) she doesn't get her privileges back.

Quite apart from anything else, having held down a part time job will enhance her CV enormously for future employment.

I have told my dds that it is one of the best things they can invest in now towards getting a career job when the time comes alongside getting good grades. It made such a difference to my application to the graduate job market and they know it. So my dd who has just started a levels did get a job even though she is fundamentally lazy and doesn’t really need the money. She knows it will help distinguish her from others in the future.

Just stop, you’ve spoilt her rotten. I expect my 6yo to walk for longer than 5mins and from 12 he will get himself to school like all the other children. Reminds me of someone who as a teen/young adult insisted on lifts to the gym, and work, both of which were 5-10 mins walk away. They did triathlons for fun.

@9ofpentangles

Yes, he is with me on this. I am usually the soft one so no problems there. Sometimes, he can be overly tough, which makes me feel sorry for her. I tell him he needs to calm down just a bit so we can both be on the same page.

What do you mean when you say he is 'overly tough'?

stricter

I can see this from both sides so I’m going to try and break it down clearly.

Your DD does not have to get a job and no you cannot make her. Until she is 18 and out of mandatory full time education/training she is your sole financial responsibility but you do not have to buy her expensive items; non essential clothing items or give her money for going out. Your financial responsibility towards her is essential items only. It doesn’t matter what her friends parents do/do not do and id and I’d practise some responses like ‘good for them’. ‘Well why don’t you ask them to buy your expensive shampoo then?’ or ‘your friend does X,Y,Z (things DD doesn’t do) why don’t you?’

In terms of lifts to/from stuff it depends if you’re well connected: if you’re city centre YANBU but if you’re rural and it’s an hour bus journey anywhere then YABU!

Bloody hell some of the teenagers discussed on here sound awful! I was working from 14. Infact I was working in some capacity since I was much younger than that caring for animals. I find it bizarre.

Also she needs to learn how to use shampoo and conditioner properly if she's getting through a bottle per week!!

@Fandangoes

Absolutely STOP funding more than the basics! You are doing her no favours. At some point in her life she is going to have to stand on her own 2 feet and budget , hope can we expect the next generation to be able to do that if they have never been exposed to learning the value for money and had everything handed to them for no effort.

The next generation think their fortune will be found on Instagram and TikTok. It’s worrying.

But he doesn't yell, make threats or get violent or anything?

He doesn't, no

@myheartskippedabeat
My 5yr old got it too, my 15yr old, not so much.
My 17yr old got told to sort herself out or leave, and my 20yr old is completely independent, and doing brilliantly.

All the same child btw.
You can't compare at all.

It's a monster of your own creation!
You have indulged her and she unsurprisingly wants that to continue.

Of course she doesn't have any motivation to get a job, why would she. Next time she demands some makeup, shampoo, clothes etc, tell her no. She walks, no taxi. £3 is plenty for shampoo for a month unless it's knee length, she can shop around & see what is on offer, there are always decent brands available at good prices if she's willing to look. (And yes, I've got experience of washing knee length hair, a bottle should still last a fortnight even at that length!)

If she carries on like this she will be totally unable to function as a normal adult. Parents who give spoil their kids rotten sometimes end up with... well.

@9ofpentangles

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.My 17 year was like this;he eventually got a part time job in a local cafe and it's done him the world of good.

I just wish his girlfriend would follow suit.

Stop pandering to the madam and tell her if she wants expensive shampoo and make up she needs to earn her own money to buy it. She needs to understand that money doesn't go very far and £6 a week on shampoo alone is over £300 a year.

Maybe if it was her money she wouldn't spend it so easily.

OP, in that case I think you all need this strictness. In fact I think it's kinder on a child for parents to be as consistent as possible. I do not think you need to feel sorry for her just because he sticks to a decision.

I agree she should just be getting modest amount of pocket money to cover any extras and you cover essentials. For things like clothes, I gave them a set amount of money each year and they budgeted.

Beyond that, if she has expensive tastes, she’d need a job to pay for it.

But I would give her the choice. I never forced my teens to get a job. If they were happy living with essentials and their studies, I did not insist on a job. It never affected their post graduation employment.

There is no one right life path. If you think she can do more than A levels, you can insist she do something extra, but give her choices it could be

• a job
• volunteering
• sport

-writing/publishing

Bottom line, even if she got a job, if she doesn’t want to work she will not keep that job long. Better for her to choose a constructive activity herself.

My DD is similar! I just give her £30 / month pocket money and every 3-4 months £100- 150.- for clothes. I made it clear that is all we can afford and if she needs more money she needs to earn it.

Oh yes, my dd is just the same & a lot of it is my fault as I know I provide a cushy life with treats & nice toiletries etc but I grew up with literally a bar of soap & bottle of coal tar shampoo in the bathroom so I swore I wouldn't do that to my girls.
Says she wants a job, looks for a job but actually APPLYING for a job seems a step too far for her for some reason!
She announced she was "Definitely going to Leeds festival next year...."
We had an honest chat about money so hopefully it'll motivate her a bit more.

In what way do you think you are too soft and he is overly tough?

Stop paying for her. When she asks you for money just say no. Get a job. You’re not asking her to work 40 hours, just to work part time for pocket money. What 17 yr old would be against this.

I don’t know what’s happening with teenagers today, but refusing to have any sort of responsibility and do chores is ridiculous.

My god, no wonder. You're spending over £300 a year on her shampoo alone!

We use 3 different shampoos between 4 of us and spend less than half that. Ridiculous.

My kids know that as soon as you turn 16 you apply for jobs regardless of your long term plan. Those spoiled kids who had never worked yet wanted for nothing stood out a mile at uni. 20 odd years on they're the ones who also didn't do as well long term as the rest of us.

You're doing her no favours.