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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17 year old holding her mental health over me like a weapon.

38 replies

Lonecatwithkitten · 05/09/2021 08:59

I have a 17 year old DD she is at performing arts college which is her dream and I support financially and day to day. Her Dad and I are not together and I have remarried my DH even in these current times has a roll that means he is away a lot,
I work full time and DD has a comfortable life in a nice home. We have always been close and she still talks to me.
However, earlier this year she fell pregnant (regular BF) I supported her making sure the choice was hers. I said I would support her no matter what she choose. I took her to the clinic I ensure I was home whilst she took the tablets.
Since then any request to help is met with a sulky attitude and behaviour like I am imposing on her life. When I make a meal in the evening if I ask her to take my plate to the dishwasher I am made to feel that I might as well have asked her to run a marathon. I am left thinking hang I have worked all day, made a meal and the least you could do would be to put my plate in the dishwasher.
DH is away almost constantly at the moment and the boyfriend also seems to be influencing her to feel that DH is the problem and she seems jealous of him.
I am exhausted due to my work situation I know I should be laying down rules, but I am too tired to face the fall out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonecatwithkitten · 05/09/2021 08:59

Sorry her mental health is the reason she feels she can not comply with requests to help.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/09/2021 09:02

If she has MH issues then what steps is she taking to recover? That needs dealing with first.
Then reduce the requests. So make a rota or agree a schedule together. Then step back a bit.

atleastitswarm · 05/09/2021 09:02

Does she seem frustrated, down and unhappy in general OP? She had an abortion earlier this year at a very young age and we can’t understate the effect that could have on her mental health. Have you considered exploring some counselling for her to talk it through - would she be up for that?

grasstreeleaf · 05/09/2021 09:08

It's the asking. Why do you feel the need to ask her to put your plate in the dish washer? Unless she was getting up anyway.

You do need to agree and divide household tasks up beforehand. However, frame it at a mutual problem to solve rather than chores for her to do. For example, 'Oh, how is it that this house has got so untidy? I'm so exhausted when I get in from work. I hate doing the cleaning. Do you think we should have a routine? Look at this (point to filthy something or other) we'll get rats if we go on like this...etc'

Original poster
Lonecatwithkitten · 05/09/2021 09:10

She has had over the phone counselling, but it was tricky as they like to stick to the same session every week, but her college schedule over the summer term was changing every three weeks. She did have the 12 sessions offered, but she seemed to dislike the counsellor and feel like they were not supportive. It seems like she has made no progress.
She did go away on a performance course for 3 weeks in the summer and seemed really happy and was really happy for the first few days she was back.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/09/2021 09:11

@grasstreeleaf

It's the asking. Why do you feel the need to ask her to put your plate in the dish washer? Unless she was getting up anyway.

You do need to agree and divide household tasks up beforehand. However, frame it at a mutual problem to solve rather than chores for her to do. For example, 'Oh, how is it that this house has got so untidy? I'm so exhausted when I get in from work. I hate doing the cleaning. Do you think we should have a routine? Look at this (point to filthy something or other) we'll get rats if we go on like this...etc'

Why the hell shouldn't she? Wow. Even if she isn't getting up anyway why shouldn't the DD be asked to clear up after them when the mum has cooked?
Wolfiefan · 05/09/2021 09:12

If she’s so depressed she can’t function then she may need more. Back to the GP.
Interesting she didn’t feel they were supportive though. Maybe she wanted someone to listen and just agree it was all awful rather than push her to take steps to recover?

Original poster
Lonecatwithkitten · 05/09/2021 09:12

@grasstreeleaf

It's the asking. Why do you feel the need to ask her to put your plate in the dish washer? Unless she was getting up anyway.

You do need to agree and divide household tasks up beforehand. However, frame it at a mutual problem to solve rather than chores for her to do. For example, 'Oh, how is it that this house has got so untidy? I'm so exhausted when I get in from work. I hate doing the cleaning. Do you think we should have a routine? Look at this (point to filthy something or other) we'll get rats if we go on like this...etc'

Many many years ago we had a discussion about helping and taking the plates to the dishwasher was a job she agreed to do. I ask politely ' please could you take my plate to the dishwasher'.
OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 05/09/2021 09:14

It sounds like normal teen stuff - but you're finding it harder to have expectations of her because of what she's been through. Time for a heart to heart, find out how she's feeling, make sure you stay on the same team, and then let her know what you expect (for her to let you know what she needs from you by communicating, not by being rude, for her to contribute to household chores). You won't hurt her mental health by arguing about the dishes but you might not help it by tiptoeing around her.

grasstreeleaf · 05/09/2021 09:17

Why the hell shouldn't she? Wow. Even if she isn't getting up anyway why shouldn't the DD be asked to clear up after them when the mum has cooked?

Because if someone is already feeling defensive it is perceived as criticism. It reinforces a pecking order of authority that puts them underneath you which might make them feel worse.

If you frame household mess as a mutual problem to solve it even the stakes up and gives power back to the other person as a problem solver rather than your servant.

TheVanguardSix · 05/09/2021 09:18

Can I just backtrack to the 'DH' issue, OP?
What's that about? Can you elaborate?
It seems strange that the boyfriend would focus on him and assume your DD is jealous of him.
What is DD's relationship like with your DH, distant, avoidant, close, loving, etc?

Original poster
Lonecatwithkitten · 05/09/2021 09:18

@Wolfiefan

If she’s so depressed she can’t function then she may need more. Back to the GP. Interesting she didn’t feel they were supportive though. Maybe she wanted someone to listen and just agree it was all awful rather than push her to take steps to recover?
Interestingly no one thinks she is depressed. The feeling is she has anxiety related to situations that happened when she younger in her Dad's care that lead to me stopping contact. He probably is a narcissist who is emotionally and verbally abusive. It feels like she wants tiredness to be a competition in our house. I have three chronic health conditions that all cause fatigue, I work long hours in a physically demanding job and regularly have to get up and go to work in the night.
OP posts:
grasstreeleaf · 05/09/2021 09:19

Many many years ago we had a discussion about helping and taking the plates to the dishwasher was a job she agreed to do. I ask politely ' please could you take my plate to the dishwasher'.

So, she's a teen so that really will be dim and distant past. She will presumably think she's an adult. So just speak to her like you would a colleague or partner you want to engage in a mutual task.

grasstreeleaf · 05/09/2021 09:21

It feels like she wants tiredness to be a competition in our house. I have three chronic health conditions that all cause fatigue, I work long hours in a physically demanding job and regularly have to get up and go to work in the night.

With the way you've framed your statement you've perpetuated this idea.

Sympathise then empathise. I know it's crap. I know how you feel. But what do we do about this?

Wolfiefan · 05/09/2021 09:22

Ah I wondered if they didn’t agree with her “diagnosis” of herself.
I would go back to the drawing board and work out a plan of jobs for you both.
Definitely get the way fatigue and chronic health conditions can affect you. Can be so debilitating.

JustFrustrated · 05/09/2021 09:25

Ignore @grasstealeaf what stupid sentiment. By her logic, you're at the bottom any way because you did the cooking.

Cooking and cleaning doesn't make you beneath someone. Refusing to respect someone puts them beneath you. Her daughter doesn't respect her.

You need to have talk. A none combative conversation about her health, her future and her current situation. And draw up plans together.

She's 17. Not a child but not quite an adult. And at 17 she's well old enough to understand working as team and the importance of playing your part in a household.

Original poster
Lonecatwithkitten · 05/09/2021 09:26

I do sympathise with her I never bring up my own tiredness as she always has a reason why she is more tired.
With my DH he is away a lot, long hours travelling on the few occasions he has asked her to do something she has had the 'you have no right to ask as you are hardly ever here'.
Friday she had a go at me as she said I always ignore her when he is around - this is not true as I try to include her in conversation asking about her day. Due to his job I spend more time with DD than I do with DH. We go out together, we went to a show last Friday, shopping and coffee on Saturday and yesterday meet my sister and my DNs and went to a show and our fir dinner. DH was home for one night last week between 9pm and 6am.

OP posts:
MoiraNotRuby · 05/09/2021 09:29

Sounds like you and her have both been to hell and back quite honestly. I am not surprised you are both exhausted. Do what you need to be kind to each other, model the behaviour you want to see from her (including self care and boundaries), count to 10 a lot, and as previous poster said, remember you are both on the same team.

grasstreeleaf · 05/09/2021 09:31

@JustFrustrated, not stupid. The person (presuming) authority gives orders. They aren't in real authority though because they are met with resentment. Someone with real authority engages with others to complete a task rather than issue orders to people which just challenge them. So instead of issuing orders engage someone, find common ground come together to find a solution to a common problem. Commands only work when the other person is already engaged and trusts your vision.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/09/2021 09:31

@grasstreeleaf

Why the hell shouldn't she? Wow. Even if she isn't getting up anyway why shouldn't the DD be asked to clear up after them when the mum has cooked?

Because if someone is already feeling defensive it is perceived as criticism. It reinforces a pecking order of authority that puts them underneath you which might make them feel worse.

If you frame household mess as a mutual problem to solve it even the stakes up and gives power back to the other person as a problem solver rather than your servant.

Absolute nonsense
grasstreeleaf · 05/09/2021 09:32

🤷‍♀️ works for me. And others I know. Don't know why the ideas are so offensive to people.

Howshouldibehave · 05/09/2021 09:35

What’s the context behind you asking your DD to take your plate to the dishwasher? I’m wondering why that is pissing her off? Have you both eaten and sitting still letting your food go down? Has she taken her plate out already? Is she thinking she’d have done it in a minute anyway?

I don’t ask my kids to take my plate out-either I take mine out when I go, or if they leave the table first, they’ll usually pick up others alongside theirs. I wouldn’t just sit there, whilst they are still sitting down, ordering them to get up and take my plate out.

So, that was rambly but I mean to say-it depends on what’s going on and what you’re both doing as to whether that’s unreasonable or not.

grasstreeleaf · 05/09/2021 09:39

As an aside my parents always had a list of chores for me. The list felt overwhelming. They were highly critical in terms of the standard of work. As a result I find it difficult to offer help. My DHs parents didn't expect help. They always said there was enough time for that when you are an adult. As a result he finds it easy to offer help, makes him feel useful and privileged.

Original poster
Lonecatwithkitten · 05/09/2021 09:39

@Howshouldibehave

What’s the context behind you asking your DD to take your plate to the dishwasher? I’m wondering why that is pissing her off? Have you both eaten and sitting still letting your food go down? Has she taken her plate out already? Is she thinking she’d have done it in a minute anyway?

I don’t ask my kids to take my plate out-either I take mine out when I go, or if they leave the table first, they’ll usually pick up others alongside theirs. I wouldn’t just sit there, whilst they are still sitting down, ordering them to get up and take my plate out.

So, that was rambly but I mean to say-it depends on what’s going on and what you’re both doing as to whether that’s unreasonable or not.

I only ask if she gets up to go to the kitchen, if I get up first I take her plate.
OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 05/09/2021 09:45

How does your DH treat her?
What is the dynamic like between the three of you?