17 year old holding her mental health over me like a weapon.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I have a 17 year old DD she is at performing arts college which is her dream and I support financially and day to day. Her Dad and I are not together and I have remarried my DH even in these current times has a roll that means he is away a lot,
I work full time and DD has a comfortable life in a nice home. We have always been close and she still talks to me.
However, earlier this year she fell pregnant (regular BF) I supported her making sure the choice was hers. I said I would support her no matter what she choose. I took her to the clinic I ensure I was home whilst she took the tablets.
Since then any request to help is met with a sulky attitude and behaviour like I am imposing on her life. When I make a meal in the evening if I ask her to take my plate to the dishwasher I am made to feel that I might as well have asked her to run a marathon. I am left thinking hang I have worked all day, made a meal and the least you could do would be to put my plate in the dishwasher.
DH is away almost constantly at the moment and the boyfriend also seems to be influencing her to feel that DH is the problem and she seems jealous of him.
I am exhausted due to my work situation I know I should be laying down rules, but I am too tired to face the fall out.

And (pardon me if this has been discussed already and I missed it) does she talk about the pregnancy, the termination, and how that has affected her with you directly, OP? Have you kept the dialogue open with regards to that?
I think that is a much bigger thing than perhaps you've acknowledged.

Whatever the solution is here, I don’t think it’s helpful for you to think that she is weaponising her mental health. She’s struggling at the moment. Her refusal to help with the dishwasher or whatever is not laziness or ungratefulness - it’s a sign that her central nervous system is completely overloaded and she needs nurturing.

Absolute nonsense

A parent does have authority over their child.

Her refusal to help with the dishwasher or whatever is not laziness or ungratefulness - it’s a sign that her central nervous system is completely overloaded and she needs nurturing

Oh come on. Next time my teenage DD's supervisor at her p/t job tells her to clear the tables or wash the pots, I'll get her to try that excuse.

I think "weaponising" her MH is a very apt phrase and we're enabling young people to do that by pathologizing perfectly normal teenage emotions such as laziness, ungratefulness and grumpiness.

@Godwitz, this child is nearly an adult. And one that struggles with mental health. Effective authority is not questioned- it is evident. So the Op has to do some groundwork to reaffirm proper authority. I suggested the best way to do this is to establish common goals to overcome common problems, effectively demonstrate wisdom. Wisdom is key to authority. Authority does not have to shout. It can speak very quietly too.

Who's shouting?

Sounds like she needs her own space away from home. Can she go and stay with anyone in the family for a couple of weeks? When she gets back maybe suggest a plan, e.g. going away to university and staying in halls for more freedom? Or getting a part time job and saving up for her own car and breaks away. So she's not feeling depressed thinking this is my life, staying at the family home. No offence meant.

@Beautiful3

Sounds like she needs her own space away from home. Can she go and stay with anyone in the family for a couple of weeks? When she gets back maybe suggest a plan, e.g. going away to university and staying in halls for more freedom? Or getting a part time job and saving up for her own car and breaks away. So she's not feeling depressed thinking this is my life, staying at the family home. No offence meant.

There is only her Dad and his parents close by whom she has a really bad relationship and definitely doesn't want to live with ( I have asked). She does have a part time job, she does have a car (my 17th birthday present to her), but driving lessons have only just started due to the struggle to find a driving instructor. The abortion I have gently asked, and get back it was the right decision for her and she doesn't want to talk about it. She will go away to university next year and will have to look after herself. My DH has been kind and generous to her he helped her choose her car. He has given her driving lessons he is much better than me. But since the currently boyfriend appeared on the scene DD has been sulky and rude in his presence. He doesn't engage with that and has never said a cross word to her. I have just had a chat trying to develop a collaborative approach. She will help with dishes. Counselling is no good as she doesn't know what's wrong. She doesn't want to live elsewhere. We are moving house and she doesn't want to move. We have no date for moving yet and the major sticking point of not being able to drive may be resolved by then. My point was I don't want to remain in this house once she has gone away, I want to live more rurally ( it's only 3 miles out of town in a bus route). I will facilitate getting to college and her job if she is not able to drive. The sticking point seems to be that she can not imagine that I would like to start to build a life for myself after she has gone to Uni.

@Lonecatwithkitten
I feel for you. Keep talking to her. Be understanding, but maintain your boundaries. My dd is off in a couple of weeks, of course I will miss her, but it’s been a very rocky road, and tbh I’d like to put my energies into other things finally
So be supportive up to a point. Part of growing up is accepting the consequences of your choices. She has her path to walk. You have yours. You can hold her hand with love, but you can’t walk her path for her.

Looking for any advice to help. I have a 17 year old DD who is about to go back to upper sixth. She has been diagnosed with ADD since age 15. She has medication for this and melatonin to help her sleep. I control the meds due to previous abuses but she often won't take them. She pretends she has done so. She's failing at school and since the pandemic her mental health has deteriorated. She sees a private psychiatrist but has refused any kind of therapy.

Living with her is very difficult - she is in her room 98% of the time. Forgets to eat/sleep. Her room is beyond normal teenage messiness - think rotting food on plates etc. Dirty washing all over. Most of the interactions we have are negative - she will become abusive very quickly - verbally but sometimes also punching walls etc. This type of behaviour will be in reaction to a prompt that she needs to get up or a question if she would like some food. She steals from us, despite there being no need for her to do so, and there is no remorse or embarrassment when confronted. I'm dreading the return to school - constant calls because she's missed lessons or hasn't completed homework. It is a private school so standards and expectations are high. They provided counselling and she attended but refused to properly engage. I don't know how to help?

@stringerb - that sounds really tough 💐

It might help if you start your own thread as people tend to just advise the OP. Do you know there's also a Special Needs board and there might be some advice over there for helping teens with ADD.

Sounds like you and your husband are doing all that you can. You both sound very supportive and kind. Maybe this is one of those ride it out things? Perhaps she'll improve when she goes away to university or when she splits from her boyfriend. I hope the situation does improve soon.

Is it ok to not like my 19 yo daughter, she is selfish, sulky and moody? My husband doesn’t see it but I really struggle to be in her company, moreover, when it’s the 3 of us together, I end up being the butt of her negative comments and he sides with her. We’re just back from a 2 week road trip to celebrate our 20th anniversary, she joined us for the last 3 days and has ruined what was a really good trip with her attitude. I feel really awful because I love her but really don’t like her.