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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My son reported a sexual assault

42 replies

feelingpantstoday · 26/08/2021 17:50

on a female peer. There is evidence and other victims have identified.

He is so protective over his freinds now and walks them everywhere, constantly worrying, how do I help him just put it behind him and live a normal happy teenage life?

OP posts:
WobblyLondoner · 26/08/2021 18:38

Hi @feelingpantstoday I don't have many wise words but just wanted to say well done to your son and I understand why you're concerned. How old is he? What has he said about what happened and his worries?

Journeyofthedragons · 26/08/2021 18:43

Good for your son, girls/women feel like they can get away with this because there is so much societal pressure on men to accept it.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 26/08/2021 18:52

You can't just flip a switch and fix it all. Ensure he can speak to you or even a professional if he needs it. The main goal is for him to understand he did an amazing and brave thing, but he is not responsible. Not responsible to fix it, to keep everyone safe, to stop it from happening again. It's too much of a burden to carry with him.

This is something that will take time and hopefully as the investigation continues, the victims are safe and get justice he will eventually move on and put it behind him.

Original poster
feelingpantstoday · 26/08/2021 18:54

He's 14. He has maintained friendships with the victims as the police have enough evidence to keep him annonomous.

He trys to get them to cover up, when they should wear what they want. It feels a bit like victim blaming but he really doesn't mean it in that way. He worries about them walking home.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingpantstoday · 26/08/2021 18:56

He went to the police showed them messages and images. Police dug round on other people's devices and found a lot more.

OP posts:
titchy · 26/08/2021 19:01

@feelingpantstoday

He went to the police showed them messages and images. Police dug round on other people's devices and found a lot more.
Images on his device...? Hmm
Puddington · 26/08/2021 19:03

I don't think messages or photos being on his phone means he did anything wrong necessarily, PP. If the people who assaulted his friends were also teens (or even older, people can be vile at any age) they may have been bragging about it or posting photos online.

Original poster
feelingpantstoday · 26/08/2021 19:04

The perpetrator sent some images to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingpantstoday · 26/08/2021 19:20

It's all a complicated mess. Lots of boys at school saw the images and at 1st it was thought to be revenge porn.

It's not his fault.

OP posts:
titchy · 26/08/2021 19:24

He should have deleted the images. He also should have asked the victim if she was ok with him going to the police. He's very young I realise, but victims need to be in control of what happens after. He's just removed that control which is likely to make the victim feel worse.

evianlion · 26/08/2021 19:29

just put it behind him

That's not how trauma works. It is not an achievable or helpful goal.

It feels a bit like victim blaming but he really doesn't mean it in that way.

It is victim blaming even if it is not intended maliciously.

You talk to him and you explain why his behaviour is wrong, and that trying to control people he cares about is also wrong.

evianlion · 26/08/2021 19:30

@titchy

He should have deleted the images. He also should have asked the victim if she was ok with him going to the police. He's very young I realise, but victims need to be in control of what happens after. He's just removed that control which is likely to make the victim feel worse.
Agree. That combined with telling the victim to dress differently and "cover up" is exceptionally damaging.
titchy · 26/08/2021 19:33

He sounds just like a controlling male in fact....

tintodeverano2 · 26/08/2021 19:34

@titchy

He should have deleted the images. He also should have asked the victim if she was ok with him going to the police. He's very young I realise, but victims need to be in control of what happens after. He's just removed that control which is likely to make the victim feel worse.
No he did the right thing. The victim my not have known that the image had been shared and to find out from a peer would be more distressing than from the police. Also, they would then be less likely to seek help as they would be embarrassed and ashamed. Well done on him.
Original poster
feelingpantstoday · 26/08/2021 19:34

I agree which is why I'm asking for advice. I have told him this and I think he's taken it on board.

OP posts:
lannistunut · 26/08/2021 19:34

This thread is messy OP, people will attack anyone who does not respond perfectly so you may not get help.

People think that with children as victims they should maybe not report? And another child should know this?

This incident sounds very distressing and complicated. Hopefully the victim is OK.

titchy · 26/08/2021 19:44

No he did the right thing. The victim my not have known that the image had been shared and to find out from a peer would be more distressing than from the police. Also, they would then be less likely to seek help as they would be embarrassed and ashamed. Well done on him.

Sorry no he didn't. He should have told his mum so she could have asked school or NSPCC for advice on what to do.

Not involving the victim at all and going straight to the police takes it all out of her hands and believe me she will feel incredibly vulnerable knowing a bad situation is possibly going to get much worse and she didn't even have a say.

Imagine you've been utterly traumatised but you're dealing with it slowly in your own way and gathering the strength to go to the police in a couple of weeks. Then you find your sister/neighbour/boss has made the decision for you today and you're pushed into either taking to the police right now, or telling them it's fine because you need them to go away for your MH.

Original poster
feelingpantstoday · 26/08/2021 19:48

Thank you she is doing remarkably well considering.

I feel he did the right thing as other victims were identified who may not have received help. The images were shown to the police via social media platforms on his phone. The police say it was 100% the right thing to do.

He's not controling just young and worried about his freinds and probaly doesn't know what to do for best.

I'll leave this thread now, he isn't allowed to discuss it in and detail with even me as its still ongoing so I was just looking for some practical advice to help him stop worrying.

Have a good evening all. Flowers

OP posts:
QueenHofScotland · 26/08/2021 19:54

Those of you saying he should have deleted the images and asked the victims permission are wrong in my view. And the Police are clear about this in any guidance.

Assuming the images were of a minor and possibly sexual in nature or “nudes” then OP your son was right to speak to the police and right not to delete the picture. As someone who has received the image he could have been implicated and viewed as someone in possession of the image.

Whether the victim wishes to cooperate with the Police is an entirely different matter and actually quite separate.

QueenHofScotland · 26/08/2021 19:57

You definitely need to have conversations with your son about some of his views - although unintentional, he is victim blaming by making comments about their appearance etc. Although he is obviously feeling anxious, this is actually a great opportunity to help him to understand from the victims perspective.

This isn’t a criticism of him or you. It’s work that all young people would benefit from. It’s also a good opener to discuss issues in relation to consent and the law, healthy sexual relationships etc

QueenHofScotland · 26/08/2021 20:00

Honestly, the responses on this thread are appalling. A teenage boy did something very brave and you criticise him. Standing up to peers is difficult at the best of times, to go to the police with something like this is incredibly difficult.

Not only that, the OP’s son was also a victim because he was sent the image.

beastlyslumber · 26/08/2021 20:03

He did the right thing and it was brave and decent of him.

Maybe counselling is a good idea. Might also be a good idea to talk with the school and see how they are handling things. For now, lots of comfort and reassurance.

EeeByeGummieBear · 26/08/2021 20:08

@QueenHofScotland

Honestly, the responses on this thread are appalling. A teenage boy did something very brave and you criticise him. Standing up to peers is difficult at the best of times, to go to the police with something like this is incredibly difficult.

Not only that, the OP’s son was also a victim because he was sent the image.

Thus. Has everyone forgotten what it's like to be a teen and to do the right thing when everyone else is swimming with the tide? Given how poorly adults of both sex can handle difficult and sensitive situations the young lad did a very brave thing. Knowing those you know can hurt those you care about is a horrid lesson to learn so young. I hope all the victims receive the support they need.
GreyhoundG1rl · 26/08/2021 20:10

@titchy

He sounds just like a controlling male in fact....
Yes. He's inserted himself right into the thick of it.
BringBackThinEyebrows · 26/08/2021 20:32

He trys to get them to cover up, when they should wear what they want. It feels a bit like victim blaming but he really doesn't mean it in that way.

This needs to be addressed ASAP.