Page 2 | My son reported a sexual assault

feelingpantstoday · 2021-08-26T16:50:12+00:00

on a female peer. There is evidence and other victims have identified. He is so protective over his freinds now and walks them everywhere, constantly worrying, how do I help him just put it behind him and live a normal happy teenage life?

Original poster

feelingpantstoday · 26/08/2021 20:45

Belive me it has. For context they were sun bathing and his freinds came round so he said do you want a t-shirt. We have talked.

Thanks for all the opinions. It's helpful to get a mixed view.

School are aware.

OP posts:

BarefootHippieChick · 26/08/2021 20:55

@QueenHofScotland

Honestly, the responses on this thread are appalling. A teenage boy did something very brave and you criticise him. Standing up to peers is difficult at the best of times, to go to the police with something like this is incredibly difficult.

Not only that, the OP’s son was also a victim because he was sent the image.

Some of the posters on here are determined to lump every male into the same category...the fact that a lot of boys at school supposedly saw the image but OPs son seemed to be the only one willing to do anything about it says a lot about his character. Hope your son is ok OP

tintodeverano2 · 26/08/2021 21:22

@titchy you do know that the NSPCC and school would have gone to the police too? Certainly they would have reported to CEOP, and as the boy who received the images is also a victim, he had the right to support and report the offence too.

A child who is involved in abuse is not capable of saying that they don't want or need help. By involving the correct authorities the victim will get the appropriate help and counselling needed.

I suggest you look at this advice that is given to teens. They are told to contact CEOP or the police if they think they or a friend is in danger.
www.thinkuknow.co.uk/14_plus/help/CEOP/

longerevenings · 26/08/2021 21:53

QueenHofScotland
Honestly, the responses on this thread are appalling. A teenage boy did something very brave and you criticise him. Standing up to peers is difficult at the best of times, to go to the police with something like this is incredibly difficult.

Not only that, the OP’s son was also a victim because he was sent the image.

If you have been sent an indecent image of a child going to the police is the correct thing to do.

MargosKaftan · 26/08/2021 21:59

If you think hes struggling with dealing with it, speak to your sons schools pastoral team, they may well have counsellors coming into school and can arrange for him to have a session to talk through his feelings.

beastlyslumber · 27/08/2021 11:06

@QueenHofScotland

Honestly, the responses on this thread are appalling. A teenage boy did something very brave and you criticise him. Standing up to peers is difficult at the best of times, to go to the police with something like this is incredibly difficult.

Not only that, the OP’s son was also a victim because he was sent the image.

This. How many teenage boys (or girls for that matter) would go along with the harassment, send the pics to others, laugh at them, bully the victims? Plenty would do all that and more simply to avoid looking weak in front of their mates.

The OP's son was really brave. He deserves support and kindness, not a kicking.

beastlyslumber · 27/08/2021 11:09

@feelingpantstoday

Belive me it has. For context they were sun bathing and his freinds came round so he said do you want a t-shirt. We have talked.

Thanks for all the opinions. It's helpful to get a mixed view.

School are aware.

Do you mean he was sunbathing with female friends and some male friends came around, so he offered his female friend a t-shirt to cover up?

If that was the scenario, I'd say that's considerate and thoughtful, and not remotely victim-blaming. Many girls don't want to be half-dressed in the presence of boys. It's fine to ask.

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/08/2021 11:10

@titchy

He should have deleted the images. He also should have asked the victim if she was ok with him going to the police. He's very young I realise, but victims need to be in control of what happens after. He's just removed that control which is likely to make the victim feel worse.

I completely disagree. That is advising people to do nothing when they know a girl has been raped and delete the proof it was rape. Men have to hold other men accountable as well. It shouldn’t always be up to the victim to have to report.

Orang3ry · 27/08/2021 11:17

Wow. Can’t believe some of the responses you’ve got. I think your son sounds like a brave and resilient person.
He has handled a difficult situation and is now dealing with his own emotions as well as those of his peers. As you have acknowledged, some of his behaviour has been misguided or badly judged. But I think the main thing would be to educate/empower him! Tell him how proud you are and maybe try and get him to reflect on his decision as part of a wider struggle against misogyny and sexual harassment. Obviously it would need to be done in an age appropriate way but it sounds like it could be a good learning curve. Maybe point him in the direction of books/films/tv programmes which explore women’s rights (doesn’t have to be intimidating, could be The Handmaid’s Tale, I May Destroy You, Sex Education)

Original poster

feelingpantstoday · 27/08/2021 11:22

@beastlyslumber

That was it in a nutshell, perhaps I read more into it. Her top was in our bathroom but tshirts he offered her were on washing line.

OP posts:

Original poster

feelingpantstoday · 27/08/2021 11:29

@Orang3ry

He knows I'm proud but thank you for the kind words.

If he had come to me 1st I'd have gone to the police also, so people who don't agree can direct their anger at me also. Several other victims have been identified so who knows where it would have ended.

I'll make sure he has appropriate support in place if he needs it, and also try to stop him worrying about his freinds. Hopefully being back at school soon will help.

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 27/08/2021 11:34

[quote feelingpantstoday]@Orang3ry

He knows I'm proud but thank you for the kind words.

If he had come to me 1st I'd have gone to the police also, so people who don't agree can direct their anger at me also. Several other victims have been identified so who knows where it would have ended.

I'll make sure he has appropriate support in place if he needs it, and also try to stop him worrying about his freinds. Hopefully being back at school soon will help. [/quote]
Support/counselling will help him understand that it is not his responsibility to keep his friends safe. It's a massive burden for him to carry, and sadly, no matter how well intentioned he is he might end up driving the girls away/causing more damage.

He did the right thing, but he can't stop it from never happening again. No one can. He needs to understand and accept this .

Keepitonthedownlow · 27/08/2021 11:35

I wonder if this organisation has some information of use? Perhaps make contact? menatworkcic.org/

ancientgran · 27/08/2021 11:37

@titchy

He should have deleted the images. He also should have asked the victim if she was ok with him going to the police. He's very young I realise, but victims need to be in control of what happens after. He's just removed that control which is likely to make the victim feel worse.

Do you mean he should have deleted the images after he showed the police? It is important evidence, the victims won't have it in all probability. He has given the police alot to go on so well done to him.

beastlyslumber · 27/08/2021 11:42

[quote feelingpantstoday]@beastlyslumber

That was it in a nutshell, perhaps I read more into it. Her top was in our bathroom but tshirts he offered her were on washing line. [/quote]
Honestly, he just sounds like a considerate friend who is clearly aware that his female peers may be the object of sexualised comments and harassment by males and would like to protect them from that. As long as the girl wasn't offended, I don't see the need for anyone to be offended on her behalf.

He sounds like a brave and thoughtful individual, OP.

Doomscrolling · 27/08/2021 11:45

It’s a shame (well, really it’s an outrage) that access to counselling is almost impossible in this country because counselling would be really helpful at this point.

Helping your son contextualise what happened, nipping the ‘protective’ instinct in the bud and redirecting his efforts towards empowering his friends and calling out bad behaviour (where safe to do.)

DS did something similar a few years ago and now ties himself up in knots worrying about and feeling responsible for his friends’ safety. I wish we’d had a bit more support in how to help him deal with this.

toughdaay · 27/08/2021 11:47

Some of the replies on here, honestly . He's a 14 year old lad who's had to stand up against his peers when he's been sent images. Has he done perfectly, no because he's 14! But he's done what he thought was right and I think he should be applauded for that. Of course you need to have a chat about victim blaming and the other bits and pieces but really, if that was my son I would be proud of him.