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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen pushing me to my limits

30 replies

Tiredout123 · 16/08/2021 21:58

I literally feel like I cant cope. I get some suicidal thoughts but no intentions. Just must be a release mechanism.. I guess..

Dont want to go into too much detail as dobt want to be outed.

Just need some ways of dealing with a 15 year old who argues with everything, gets in my face, follows me around, is saying inappropriate things in front of his much younger sister.

Feel like a failure and that I just cannot cope.

Really try my best but that's clearly not working.

I just cant go on like this.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredout123 · 16/08/2021 21:59

And no I dont say any of this around him or dd.

OP posts:
Hellenbach · 16/08/2021 22:32

This sounds so tough for you. Do you have a partner you can talk to?
15 is a really difficult age, it's impossible to not be worn down by the anger that can be directed at us as parents. I know I've felt like it's emotional and verbal abuse at times.
Could you visit your GP and consider counselling or medication. You might be suffering from depression.
Your DS has to find some coping mechanisms so he isn't taking it out on you.
When you are stronger you might be able to find out what's at the root of his behaviour.

MadameTuffington · 19/08/2021 09:13

@Tiredout123 you’d be surprised how common child to parent abuse is - a lot of it unreported too because of parental embarrassment and shame - it’s a growing issue - Google ‘PEGS child to parent’ - I am currently in the same boat - this is my third difficult teen (single parent, 2 shockingly irresponsible ex partners - my choices, my fault) oldest 2 thriving after much grief and drama, youngest DD15 is horrendous - you are not alone - keep strong, try and stay mentally and physically healthy and keep going - there is light xxx

LadyPenelope68 · 19/08/2021 09:20

@MadameTuffington
a lot of it unreported too because of parental embarrassment and shame
This is definitely me ☹️
My youngest is 18 and my life is pretty much hell. It actually helps a bit to know that others are experiencing it as you feel it’s only you abs feel like a bad parent.

I’ve just this week contacted my GP as I’m really struggling to cope and I’ve been referred for counselling. @Tiredout123 please know you’re not alone in this and seek support/help for yourself from your GP.

Staywithmemyblood · 19/08/2021 14:13

That really does sound very difficult @Tiredout123 💐

Our DD was very much as you describe at 13-14. She was so angry and aggressive, following me around shouting, getting right up in my face etc. It was draining, both physically and emotionally. She did have some counselling and CBT sessions - with limited success, but what helped the most was adjustments made by DH and I.

My anxiety levels were sky high so I spoke to my GP who prescribed sertraline which helped me cope. I also changed my work pattern and reduced my hours. Are there any changes you can make and nice things you can do for yourself too?

I read loads of books on parenting teens and DH and I did a parenting course which was really helpful. As a result we introduced family meetings so we all can have our say in a respectful way and without talking over each other. We scrapped ‘ punishments’ (as they just escalated situations into power struggles) in favour of natural consequences. We make a real effort to practice active listening. All behaviour is communication, so when DD was acting badly we tried to understand what was at the root of it.

Also, when putting our POV across to DD we used the format ‘When you ...... I feel ............ I wish.......’ so she could understand the impact of her current behaviour and the desired changes were clear. She really took on board that she did have some very valid opinions, but the way in which she was putting them across was unacceptable.

DD also likes when I take her out for a drive and she can vent all her worries and frustrations, then we blast the music and sing along on the way home 😊 Sometimes I do this alone too, if I’m needing a bit of time out.

A couple of years down the line things are by no means perfect, but they are vastly improved 😅 This may not all work for your situation, but I hope some of it may be helpful. Look after yourself 💐☕️🍫

Lilactimes · 19/08/2021 14:43

Such great advice from @Staywithmemyblood.
I went through a similar thing as a single mum. Adjusting how I parented really helped and so important to look after yourself too. Things definitely improved when I used active listening, natural consequences etc
Wish you so much strength and sending hugs Flowers

FlatteredFool · 20/08/2021 12:26

I'm in a similar situation and feeling very used and abused by dd14. She has taken her abusive fathers place now. It's exhausting and heartbreaking and somehow it's always my fault. CakeGinThanksBrew for us all

opaleyes2 · 20/08/2021 14:14

Teenagers are generally horrible but differentiating between what is normal hormonal attitude and something worse is the key here. Does he potentially have any underlying MH issues he may not have told you about such as anxiety or depression? He could be hiding it or not even realise he has MH and it is common to take out frustrations on the people we are closest to.
How does he behave towards your DH?
How old is your DD? If she is very young and needing lots of attention could it be he feels pushed out?
You really need to talk to him and figure it. Following you around and squaring up to you isn't normal.

eatmeplease · 20/08/2021 19:56

hello, please let me help you with what might work between you and your son. if you would tell me what your son argues with i can try help you with what you're going through. please tell me what your son wants or argues with

ps
please ignore my username because everything else did not work.

FlatteredFool · 23/08/2021 09:44

I have had to send dd14 to live with her father as it just got too much. I feel awful but I can't take the abuse anymore.

Comingup · 23/08/2021 17:03

I am going through this with a 17 year old, I have no answers, just came today you are not alone. I have started to try and find help for myself rather than him now, as it is destroying my mental health.

Questchun · 23/08/2021 17:13

Can you find a way to reduce the amount of time you have together?

LadyPenelope68 · 23/08/2021 18:10

@Comingup

I am going through this with a 17 year old, I have no answers, just came today you are not alone. I have started to try and find help for myself rather than him now, as it is destroying my mental health.

Flowers to you. I could have written your exact post. I’ve just been referred for counselling.

DonnaB74 · 25/08/2021 03:13

15 is a very tough age for you and your child! My oldest just turned 16, so trust me, I know Smile hold on and don't beat yourself up so much.. the fact that you are seeking help here shows that you are thinking about things seriously, and that is what matters

Shell449 · 26/08/2021 03:26

My 16 yr old DD is so horrible to me I just feel like running away but am in bloody lockdown. She is so passive aggressive her behaviour is like a slow torture … I never believed in a million years I would get a daughter that is so horrible. She doesn’t have many friends either but blames everyone else for her problems. Now she is getting depressed and has anxiety and it’s all her own fault for being such a horrible human. Her face is constantly miserable I can’t deal with her anymore. When I say hi or good morning she just says “aha” then I tell her to say hi back and she gives me a filthy look and runs straight in her bedroom. Grrrrr just having a vent here I’m so cranky and hurt at the moment. Thanks for reading!

Anothermountain · 26/08/2021 05:23

I'm in the same position. My daughter's moods are so up and down. She can be delightful one moment and verbally abusive the next. I almost feel bullied in my own home. The strange thing is, she obviously has NO clue about the effects it is having on me. It's like she actually doesn't have the ability to see another person's point of view, despite being a very bright girl. I feel under huge emotional strain and Iike no one else understands, so it's great to find this thread!

I sometimes pop to our local supermarket when it gets bad. Today I was paused in front of the veg section , trying to stop myself blubbing in front of the broccoli Grin I felt so worn down. Later on I joked with DH that there should be a chain of cafes/spas created for harassed parents of teens where they can go and be served tea and cake while lying on cosy beds being given cold compresses and relaxing foot treatments, to enable them to draw breath and go back and face another day. Grin It's really hellish so I totally understand where you are coming from op and you have my full sympathy Flowers. And the pandemic has made things so much harder for this age group.

Something I find helpful is to ignore the hurtful words but to try and listen to the emotion behind them. It's very hard when your instincts are to run away and you feel unfairly attacked, but they almost need more hugs and reassurances of love at this age, like angry toddlers! And show little gestures of love, like making their favourite cake or whatever and leaving it for them with a note when you can't actually talk to them sensibly.

And the other thing (which sounds contradictory) is not to engage as much. To keep busy with your own stuff, and try and live your own life and be available for chats but the minute it gets heated, walk away saying "I love you but I don't like being shouted at". Maybe start a new hobby or get a dog? My dogs are always happy to see me even if my teens aren't!

Shell449 · 26/08/2021 08:12

Thanks anothermountain! Your post made me feel a bit better. I love the idea of the cafe/spa ! I would definitely go there. My daughter never shouts or raises her voice - sometimes I wish she would ! I definitely need to not take so much notice of her, the thing is I know this stuff and I have read a lot of books - Things go good for a little while then I think things are great and I revert back to my reactive ways.

Anothermountain · 26/08/2021 09:17

Shell449 "Harangued" is probably a better word than "shouted" but the effects are the same. And that's exactly it, things go very well for a while as you say, and I relax and my guard comes down thinking we've turned a corner, and then, suddenly, out of the blue, it all falls apart again. It's very draining.

Shell449 · 27/08/2021 01:55

AnotherMountain- exactly! I let my guard down too and same happens. But with my son it’s easy, he is just normal and nice every day, I can totally relax with him. It’s funny my daughter breaks my heart on a daily basis and my son mends it. So draining… she is giving me the silent treatment today. Joyful as always !

LadyPenelope68 · 27/08/2021 07:53

Does anyone experience that all the anger and nastiness is directed at just them, no other members of the family? Doesn’t matter what’s caused the issue or who was involved, all the anger is directed at me. I’m worn down with it all.

LadyPenelope68 · 27/08/2021 07:55

@Shell449

But with my son it’s easy, he is just normal and nice every day, I can totally relax with him.

I have this with my eldest - he’s the most placid, kindest, caring individual you could want to meet (everyone says it and always have) and he’s a pleasure to be around. I think that actually makes it harder as well, although it does make you think that actually you are an ok parent if ones has turned out like that, as opposed to being made to feel a totally shit parent.

FlatteredFool · 27/08/2021 08:06

@LadyPenelope68 yes dd directs everything to me. Her feckless father gets a mouthful on rare occasions but otherwise her ire is directed mainly at me. You get dd is normal for 12. She has her moments as does da6 but dd14? She's horrendous.

OhWhatsOccurrin · 27/08/2021 08:10

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Please hang in there, and get help from friends and family if you can. Your teen will come out the other side of this.

Can you get their school onside? I would recommend having a close liaison with their school, ask them for help and keep asking. You can email for help during the holidays. If you think it will escalate the situation, tell them that and ask them not to tell him you're in contact.

Don't give up. Get as much time out of the house as you can - when it kicks off don't engage much -just walk away. Leave the house / room when necessary. Or get on the phone to someone. The key thing is to de escalate.

Also keep a short account- so when they are not being awful try to have a good relationship and be there for him. Although he is being awful he also needs you as much as when he was a toddler (if not more!)

💐

LadyPenelope68 · 27/08/2021 08:35

@FlatteredFool

My son is 18 now, 6’ 4” and big build so when he’s angry it’s quite intimidating as well. He’s been like this since he was 13, refuses help.

To the person who’s suggested contacting school, I think it was @OhWhatsOccurrin, not meaning to be rude, but what good do you think that would do? Genuine question. I did all that, makes no difference. If they’re not exhibiting this type of behaviour in school, then it isn’t an issue school are willing to help with.

Anothermountain · 27/08/2021 09:10

Shell449 Flowers. I have the same experience! One teen dd who is a bit grumpy and morose but otherwise fairly placid and chilled, and the other who is extremely spiky, difficult and very easily upset. Don't get me wrong, I love the very bones of them, and am very proud of them both, and they are I am told, models of good behaviour outside the home. It's just behind closed doors where dd1's frustration boils over. She is deaf to any praise or compliments I say to her and only hears criticism.

LadyPenelope68 yes, DH does get it in the neck sometimes but the main object of her frustration and anger is me. It's the "golden child" syndrome in reverse. It gets very personal too. She frequently lists all of my bad points, criticises my cooking, my driving, my taste in clothes, my lack of intellect Hmm, my breathing... . I try and ignore it but it is hard not to get demoralised.