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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD, 15, being bullied at school last year and now it's carrying on into the holidays via SM

36 replies

ScottChegg · 16/08/2021 15:28

My poor girl is so low already, they're really kicking her when she's down. Sad

She has had a lot of problems at school over the last couple of years really, but it's been much worse this last year and it's got rather nasty, with former friends ganging up on her and various people sending her (and her bf, who doesn't go to the school or even live in our city) really vile messages on social media and by text, ending with her refusing to go to school this summer. School have made some kind of effort to address the issues, mainly by talking to people. Everyone who sent messages etc just denied it was them and I was advised if we got any more like that to go to the police.

So eventually her attendance began to be a problem and school made a plan for her she initially went back on a reduced timetable and then was to go in full time. She went back for one whole day and the next day was sent home because someone in her year had covid. That was the end of the school year.

Things have been quiet up till now. She blocked everyone on social media and even got rid of some forms of it altogether. Today, a video has popped up on her tiktok, it's an ex friend of hers who has made a new account and it says on it, "Posing as the girl who slut shamed me right to my face" and she's making the same faces as my dd in some of her photos and then actually putting up the photos of my dd in the video. Dd says she hasn't done anything of the sort and doesn't even know when she last talked to this girl. It's just nasty and unnecessary but also not something threatening that you'd really go to the police with. My dd has reported the video but she says it's unlikely anything will happen about it. What it will do is stir up other people again because part of what happened before was that someone said dd had body shamed them, which she swore she hadn't, and the friends she did have left turned against her without even asking her about her version of events. Ironically dd says she gets called fat every day at school.

She's been in floods of tears and now she's saying she isn't going back, she can't do this for another year. I understand her feelings, I'm pretty sure if this were a job she'd be signed off with stress and I'm really worried about her. She attempted suicide already during the spring lockdown last year so I am very concerned.

At the same time, it's her GCSE year this year; she goes to a specialist school where the average school won't be doing most of her GCSE subjects and I'm just gutted to think that she might lose her education because of this because she is a really bright girl. I am beside myself with worry for her in all sorts of ways. Sad

What on earth can I do? I really don't know what to do or where to get help with this. Any experience, or advice, please? I am about on my knees and so is she.

OP posts:
ScottChegg · 16/08/2021 16:48

I mean, I know school can't do anything about this right now, but she's adamant she doesn't want to go back and at this point I don't even know if I should try to get her to go in, or try to change schools, regardless of the effect on her education, or what? I just can't think straight.

OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 16/08/2021 16:51

Can she move for 6th form and just keep her head down for a year? The other girls sound horrible and I'm amazed they've got time for all this

sd249 · 16/08/2021 17:27

First thing - screen record this video so you have a copy. This girl will be identifiable in it. This will mean you have proof.

E-mail her head of year so they can look at this before school starts for the students and come up with a plan with you / your daughter.

You say that she goes to a specialist school - what GCSE's will she lose if she moves school now? Is it things that she would really miss? I only ask because if she can't go to school due to her MH she would lose the chance of all of her GCSES not just one or two.

Miracle29 · 16/08/2021 17:58

This really angers me I hate bullies. Kids can be so cruel and I did go through something similar when i was at school so I know exactly how your dd feels right now though there wasnt as much social media then. I would screen shot everything you have and send it to the head of the year along with the fact your dd is suffering mentally and the attempted suicide. If nothing is done I certainly would be going to the police due to the fact shes attempted suicide because if the police can talk to these kids about the effects of bullying it may well just do the trick. Your poor dd should not have to suffer and I can guarantee they are jealous of your dd. What the school could have done is have all of the girls in a room to talk about what has happened so they can all get their events across and either choose to ignore each other and go separate ways or just be friendly when they see each other.

Bryonyshcmyony · 16/08/2021 18:11

Are you 100% sure she didn't say anything to these girls? I'll no doubt be flamed for saying this but I do have four teens and know how they work

ScottChegg · 16/08/2021 18:13

Can she move for 6th form and just keep her head down for a year?

That's the million dollar question. I don't know if she can. She seems distraught at the idea of it.

First thing - screen record this video so you have a copy. This girl will be identifiable in it. This will mean you have proof.

I have done. I have screenshots of everything she's been sent.

I would screen shot everything you have and send it to the head of the year along with the fact your dd is suffering mentally and the attempted suicide.

They have everything she's been sent before today and know about the suicide attempt. Being ex friends, so do some of these kids. They don't care. Someone sent her a message basically telling her she should try harder next time. Angry

What the school could have done is have all of the girls in a room to talk about what has happened so they can all get their events across and either choose to ignore each other and go separate ways or just be friendly when they see each other.

This is pretty much what they did. I was keeping everything crossed that it would stop now, and then today happened. Sad

OP posts:
MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 16/08/2021 18:17

I would be contacting the police tbh, this is extreme bullying and harassment.

ScottChegg · 16/08/2021 18:20

I only ask because if she can't go to school due to her MH she would lose the chance of all of her GCSES not just one or two.

Quite, and bluntly, if she's dead none of it will even mean anything, will it?

OP posts:
Roonilwazlib1 · 16/08/2021 18:22

I'd contact the police too. I'd have her come off social media completely or keep blocking everyone.

I'd then either transfer her to another school or see if she can be home schooled from september with support from the school and then transfer somewhere else for college/sixth form.

So sorry shes going through this.

Berthatydfil · 16/08/2021 18:22

I would be going nuclear and going to the police

ScottChegg · 16/08/2021 18:25

@Bryonyshcmyony

Are you 100% sure she didn't say anything to these girls? I'll no doubt be flamed for saying this but I do have four teens and know how they work
No, it's ok, I have wondered the same. I have come to the conclusion that I can't be 100% sure unless I was actually there. However, I'm almost certain she hasn't spoken to this girl who says dd slut shamed her, and I just can't see her body shaming anyone because she's had that done to her so much and she hates it.
OP posts:
Miracle29 · 16/08/2021 18:27

I agree with pp id be contacting the police now, you have tried everything you can. I dont know how these kids find time to sit and bully someone through social media and from what I've seen social media platforms dont do anything about it either but yes op I'd be contacting the police this is harassment and needs to be sorted asap. Good luck Flowers

IsThePopeCatholic · 16/08/2021 18:30

Have you contacted CAMHS? Your DD needs some MH support. Also, if she can’t go to school because of her MH, your local authority / school have a statutory duty to provide home tuition. This sounds like a serious situation which needs to be sorted urgently. Good luck, op.

R0tational · 16/08/2021 18:37

I'm sorry you're going through this. Bullying is awful and really hard for parents to go through. My Yr 7 is having a hard time so I can empathise a little as she has started to refuse school occassionally too. It's all very difficult to balance tough love (you have to deal with it) to protecting them from unacceptable behaviour that noone should really have to deal with. I hope you find a way forward.

RedToothBrush · 16/08/2021 18:39

At that level its harassment and you should just take to the police imo.

Its not trivial and just stuff on social media. Its targeted abuse. Deal with it appropriately.

ScottChegg · 16/08/2021 18:39

@IsThePopeCatholic

Have you contacted CAMHS? Your DD needs some MH support. Also, if she can’t go to school because of her MH, your local authority / school have a statutory duty to provide home tuition. This sounds like a serious situation which needs to be sorted urgently. Good luck, op.
A professional working with the young person has to refer in our area. I contacted our GP and they were very keen to pass the buck back to the school. I think I'm going to have to go back to them and insist. I have no idea how long the wait is though.
OP posts:
Knackeredmommy · 16/08/2021 18:42

Contact the police or refer through children's services, it's contextual safeguarding. SM bullying/abuse is a big issue. We had a whatsapp group issue in my primary school and had to refer it and the police visited all the children's homes to warn them about sm bullying.

PeterCorbeau · 16/08/2021 18:47

If she's attempted suicide previously then I would in no way be sending her back or letting her think she had to go back. GCSEs can be taken again or taken privately - they are not as important as her life.

I would let her know she never has to see them or be in the same room as them again and work out what can be done about GCSEs. If she's bright, there are other options for her to get those qualifications,

And yes, I would talk to police.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/08/2021 18:47

I wouldn't make her go back to the School. I just wouldn't. Not gcse year but I took one of mine out of an impossible situation. Just picked them up from school and said you are never going back.
Look at the alternatives. Can she enter as an external candidate for gcses? Could she enrol in interhigh? Could you keep her at home for a year and find a sixth form or fe college that will let her do gcses? Or level 2 btech course plus English and Maths.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/08/2021 18:49

And I would tell her now that she doesn't have to go back.

itsgettingwierd · 16/08/2021 18:49

@Bryonyshcmyony

Are you 100% sure she didn't say anything to these girls? I'll no doubt be flamed for saying this but I do have four teens and know how they work
Great response to this OP.

And I agree teens can sometimes say things that upset others and we will only "their truth"

But the point is whatever was said once ( or not) it doesn't warrant months if internet bullying.

Cut the person out by all means. But right now what they've done is far worse

ThymeafterThyme · 16/08/2021 18:51

Can she come off all SM. No Snapchat, Instagram, Tiktok etc. Change her phone no. and email.

Bryonyshcmyony · 16/08/2021 18:51

No I totally agree even if she had said something it doesn't warrant this level of bullying
Hope you can sort something OP

lannistunut · 16/08/2021 18:53

She doesn't have to go back. If she has already attempted suicide then prioritise her safety.

I'm so sorry for you both that this is happening.

Would she home school, register with an online provider for GCSEs? If you can afford that of course. Many home educators do a few exams each year, so you would do three GCSEs this year, three the following year and then hopefully with six she could go to college a year late.

Redwinestillfine · 16/08/2021 18:56

Contact the head- you don't need to wait until term starts. Ask what she will do and involve police.

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