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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD, 15, being bullied at school last year and now it's carrying on into the holidays via SM

36 replies

ScottChegg · 16/08/2021 15:28

My poor girl is so low already, they're really kicking her when she's down. Sad

She has had a lot of problems at school over the last couple of years really, but it's been much worse this last year and it's got rather nasty, with former friends ganging up on her and various people sending her (and her bf, who doesn't go to the school or even live in our city) really vile messages on social media and by text, ending with her refusing to go to school this summer. School have made some kind of effort to address the issues, mainly by talking to people. Everyone who sent messages etc just denied it was them and I was advised if we got any more like that to go to the police.

So eventually her attendance began to be a problem and school made a plan for her she initially went back on a reduced timetable and then was to go in full time. She went back for one whole day and the next day was sent home because someone in her year had covid. That was the end of the school year.

Things have been quiet up till now. She blocked everyone on social media and even got rid of some forms of it altogether. Today, a video has popped up on her tiktok, it's an ex friend of hers who has made a new account and it says on it, "Posing as the girl who slut shamed me right to my face" and she's making the same faces as my dd in some of her photos and then actually putting up the photos of my dd in the video. Dd says she hasn't done anything of the sort and doesn't even know when she last talked to this girl. It's just nasty and unnecessary but also not something threatening that you'd really go to the police with. My dd has reported the video but she says it's unlikely anything will happen about it. What it will do is stir up other people again because part of what happened before was that someone said dd had body shamed them, which she swore she hadn't, and the friends she did have left turned against her without even asking her about her version of events. Ironically dd says she gets called fat every day at school.

She's been in floods of tears and now she's saying she isn't going back, she can't do this for another year. I understand her feelings, I'm pretty sure if this were a job she'd be signed off with stress and I'm really worried about her. She attempted suicide already during the spring lockdown last year so I am very concerned.

At the same time, it's her GCSE year this year; she goes to a specialist school where the average school won't be doing most of her GCSE subjects and I'm just gutted to think that she might lose her education because of this because she is a really bright girl. I am beside myself with worry for her in all sorts of ways. Sad

What on earth can I do? I really don't know what to do or where to get help with this. Any experience, or advice, please? I am about on my knees and so is she.

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 16/08/2021 18:57

I don't really have anything more helpful to add, but do you think there is a ringleader in this that is shit stirring and telling the others your daughter has said x, y, z? If she could be isolated and dealt with (toppled), the others may (or may not) lose steam.so,

So sorry your family is going through this, it's every parent's nightmare.

LawnFever · 16/08/2021 19:05

Your poor DD, this is horrific.

I would tell her right now that she doesn’t have to go back to this school, there will be other ways, her health and well being are more important.

There must be another school she can move to?

Contact the police now, tell them everything that has happened to this point, hand over the video & everything else.

Tell the school you’ve gone to the police, in an FYI way and tell them the police are dealing with this because they haven’t.

ScottChegg · 16/08/2021 19:06

No way I can afford Interhigh, I've already looked.

OP posts:
christinarossetti19 · 16/08/2021 19:08

I would contact whoever you were dealing with at the school now and ask them to escalate the matter to the Head.

Rather than focusing on the bullying (which they'll say that they can't do anything about because it's the holidays/didn't happen at school/no witnesses etc etc etc ) I would focus on dd not feeling safe at school, not wanting to return and ask them about facilitating some sort of 'remote' provision for dd.

Getting the GP on board to get formal acknowledgement that dd has mental health problems would be helpful, as well as a referral to specialist support.

It would involve her being very motivated ie doing the work that she is given, but if she's registered as a pupil at the school, they will have a responsibility to make adjustments for her mental health.

Obviously ask dd what she wants first. Does she want to go to another school? Would she feel able to cope with working remotely for what amounts to about 10 months with a view to being able to have a fresh start somewhere at sixth form?

Just a suggestion. I have a friend whose dd did her second year of 'A' levels like this due to bullying, which worked for her.

beigebrownblue · 16/08/2021 19:24

@MikeWozniaksGloriousTache

I would be contacting the police tbh, this is extreme bullying and harassment.
Yes, I would too. And please don't forget to get incident numbers. Inform the relevant school and quote said incident numbers.

Then pursue complaints procedures with the governors of the school.

In or out of school if their kids are behaving like this they need to be called to account.

oldsoulrebel · 16/08/2021 19:43

Take her out of school . Her MH trumps everything else especially when there has been a suicide attempt. My DD refused school from end of Yr 10 , if I had my way I would absolutely have forced her . However 2 years on with GCSEs well below what she was capable of she has got a job/apprenticeship which she absolutely loves . She's happy for the first time in 3 years , her self confidence has sky rocketed and most importantly she's still here ! I didn't think she'd see 16 and OK , it may take her longer to reach her goals but now she has a chance ! My heart broke at the start but honestly , quitting school was the best thing she ever did.

lannistunut · 16/08/2021 21:19

@ScottChegg

No way I can afford Interhigh, I've already looked.
Then maybe do old school home ed? The costs of private exams is not very high tbh (although logistically complex).
itsgettingwierd · 16/08/2021 21:22

@Bryonyshcmyony

No I totally agree even if she had said something it doesn't warrant this level of bullying Hope you can sort something OP
I wasn't disagreeing with you - or suggesting you thought she deserved it. I hope it didn't come across this way.

I just meant it's great when a parent doesn't automatically assume the other side are lying about the catalyst.

berry271909 · 16/08/2021 22:12

I am so sorry you and your DD are going through this, my DD suffered bullying too and ended up getting herself expelled because she self-harmed and the school said they couldn't "guarantee her safety".

Take her out of this school because this bullying is NOT going to stop. Just tell her she does not have to go back. Also, get her off SM. Delete her accounts.

I was the same worrying about my DDs education but there are alternatives as other PPs have mentioned, you could try 6th Form or move to another school.

I really hope these replies have helped and you and your DD are feeling more hopeful 💐 xx

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/08/2021 22:18

I agree contact the police, the video is definitely a malicious communication and illegal.

I’d ask School is she can remote learn for her final year due to the bullying. They should have ability because Covid forced all schools to develop it. Then see if you can get Tutors for whatever she wants to study at A level so she gets the grades she deserves.

Mscarna · 16/08/2021 22:31

I'd change schools. The damage caused by making her carry on will be worse than changing a GCSE or two. If school can't stop it, don't make her go back there.

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