DS 15 holed up in room - what's your teenager doing?

[fuschia2000]

We've been away for couple of weeks and now back home with several weeks of the hidays in front of us - DH and I are at odds here - do we let DS make his own schedule ( hich is wake up midday/ stay in room all day watch tv/ gaming/ on phone ) or do we insist on a more healthy schedule ( out of room in afternoons for walks/ surfing/ tennis/ football etc?)? I am in second camp!!!! Which I think is a good balance of freedom and healthy living!!!

Any thoughts or suggestions???? Help!!!!!

Also do you require any hygiene schedule or is it left to teenager???? Feeling totally out of depth with teenage boys 😪😪😪

DS is holed up in lounge, playing a game he just bought. He's been out with his dad since early doors, so it doesn't bother me.

Sorry, I require windows and curtains open to keep the room aired and light, my sons would have it air tight and dark if they had their way, makes me shudder.

DD is out with a friend. I require up, curtains open/window open by 11am and try and encourage her to do something out and about every day. Lunch downstairs with me and DS, then a walk/a coffee/whatever, if she doesn’t have other plans. Tbh she spends her time in her room doing art/craft etc while watching a Netflix series, which isn’t terrible.

And yes, bath/shower every day.

It is good to allow them some time to do what they want. School life is extremely organised and very little choice. My two both went through stages of being holed up and both came through it, they are now very active, driven and fit. It's just a stage, and if your not careful you can make life a lot harder by insisting they do stuff you want them to do all the time, rather than what they want.

My 14 year old is just back from a shopping trip in Edinburgh on his buddy - now he’s holed up in his room on the Xbox as per.

I generally let him work out his own schedule - DH and I work full time mainly from home so don’t have the time to ferry him to places - but I do insist on some time outside exercising every day (with varying levels of success). Back to school next week for our bambinos - hurrah!

Yes hellodulling I agree;
So what to do if ds says no and dh says let him find his own way?? Is DH saying he is absolving all parental responsibility and guidance for a 15 Yr old?? Feels like I'm moving into divorce territory here 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Today ds has gone to a shopping centre with his friends. He has been working 8-5 five days a week for the past month. Prior to that he had a kayaking camp for a few days and we had a week away. Other than a few days meeting his friends and going to his dad's I have let him have his own schedule which is generally to spend the day in his room. He does have jobs around the house and eats dinner with us though.

Oh - and he has a shower every day without being prompted, but he’s a bit vain and does like styling his hair

DS15 is out skateboarding with friends. He has spent the last two days in his room either doing revision ( 2 hours worth each morning due to disappointing end of year exam results) ) or gaming. I'm please he's gone out today.

To be fair to him he did say he wants to avoid contact indoors with other people as we are due to fly to Greece and he doesn't want to risk catching the virus.

Ds1 (14) driving me nuts. He spent the best part of our holiday in the room on his phone and has barely been off it since getting home a week ago. Hasn't done music practice. Hasn't done a job for my Dad which he was asked to do. Hasn't seen any friends. Hasn't done any of the bridging work he was set over the summer. Refuses to engage in conversation about anything to do with current affairs or the outside world in general. Won't come for walks/bike rides etc with us any more which I don't want to force but I am worried about him as his world and interests seem to be shrinking. I am hoping that when he goes back to school we can establish a new routine but not sure what that will look like yet.

12yo holed up in room here :o

He is required to change clothes if they smell or have food on. Tops daily. Shower daily, wash hair every other day. We set these because he smells unpleasant if he washes less. Supposed to brush teeth daily but we miss that one more often accidentally. Has to bring plates and cups out of room daily.

His jobs are to empty the dishwasher and the bins. He sometimes needs to be reminded.

He has limits on his phone/console/computer and has to ask to swap allocated time between devices, otherwise he'd be on it 24/7 (literally) so he will occasionally emerge and play with his little brother or make food or ask if we can go to the library/swimming pool/etc. We also encourage him to make plans with friends. But 90% of the time he is holed up.

DS1 is 15 and has just come out of isolation having been diagnosed with COVID.

To give you some idea of how often he has left the house since the end of school mid-July, he had not one contact to trace and honestly I'm sure he didn't even notice he was in isolation!

He has spent the last few weeks getting up at about 1pm and then chatting to his mates, gaming, video making, composing and designing all at his computer.

The only upside is that his computer is in the playroom, so we do actually get to see him!

I'm leaving him to it as I remember how annoying it was as a teen when my mum used to try and get me to get up and go outside when all I wanted to do was stay in bed.

He'll grow out of it sooner or later.

as far as hygiene is concerned DS always has a wash, does teeth, puts on spot cream and deodorant when he gets up voluntarily and never needs reminding.

I do have to prompt him to shower every other day though.

Lots of great advice here but also have been realising lately that they do need to start making their own way too. Obviously the ideal is suggestions without attacking (we are failing on this front!).Ds only turning 14 but would be glued to screen shut away from world if he could. Are insisting wash every second day, curtains open and dragging him out for board games and family walks or movies. I sometimes show interest in the y ou utube videos or games and we chat about them, dh challenging to chess or we have family games of football to get him out

Thanks so much for all your messages, really iinteresting and appreciated. Really don't want battles but also there needs to be a balance???

We had lovely family day yesterday, meal, walk, movie which was great but he's back in room all day today, at least he's chatting with friends online etc - all very hard as DH and I completely disagree on how to handle this - I want to insist on afternoons out of room and off screen, DH doesn'tagree - it's feeling such a nightmare.

I honestly think that if you want him to enjoy tennis, surfing etc they have to be something he wants to do - not something his mum forces him to do. He will go back to them, but he’s 15 and old enough to decide his daily routine, surely? He could be away at university in 2 or 3 years time and you’ll not know what he’s up to! I’d just leave him be - your blood pressure doesn’t need the stress, he’s happy, and will be back at school before you know it with some tough years of study ahead.

Thankyou, great words - yes I think k it's a huge letting go required from me isn't it? ???? Finding it sooo soooo hard 🙈🙈🙈😪😪😪

I think most people come to threads like this because they're in the exact same place op and probablywe're all doing better than we think we are (hopefully obviously!!)

I'm always amazed that other parents don't specifically teach independent living skills. Maybe because my 15 year old son is autistic and has ADHD and I know that he is not going to acquire them by osmosis.

He's been on a tech ban for weeks now (deeply inappropriate use) but has free access to the landline to contact friends. He's rediscovered lego and 1000 piece jigsaws - he's currently doing a Breaking Bad one as we have just finished the box set (gloss over the inappropriate theme).

He has to set his alarm to take meds no later than 8am. He has to get up, open curtains, window within 20 mins (financial incentive). He then has to walk the dog with his older brother (harassment incentive). He has to bathe and clean his teeth (financial incentive). There are daily other tasks he can choose to do for financial reward (tidy his room, further maths past papers etc). He has to unstack and stack the dishwasher (financial incentive). He has to do his own laundry - incentive of no clean clothes. He has to master the use of the microwave, sandwich toaster etc and prepare some of his own meals. Incentive of dreaded protein shakes. He has to go on dog walks another 2 times a day. He has to eat meals with the family prepared for him. He has to spend time with the family watching movies etc. He has to manage his own bank account and travel by public transport.

A lot of this stuff is specified on his EHCP and progress is monitored. Once he moves from DLA to PIP his award will be based on progress or lack of progress despite specific instruction.

I have tried leaving him to his own devices thinking previous structures and specific teaching over the last decade will persist or that all teens need space but he turns into a nocturnal, smelly, screen addicted raging beast within days. He doesn't sleep and skips meals. He doesn't bathe or clean his teeth. He starts self harming. He's not happy and is a nightmare to live with.

What on Earth makes you think we don’t teach them that KOKOagainandagain

If it reassures you, I’m onto my third teenager - they all had/have independent living skills, they just enjoyed/enjoy not having to get up early or doing what other people told them to do every day in the holidays. The elder 2 are now through their Masters, hold down very responsible jobs, and I can even take them out in public without worrying.

13.5 year old Ds was happily earning lots of money on his e scooter doing a paper round and helping the local post office owner with jobs. His e scooter has been seized by the police and he is miserable as hell.

Yes I know they are illegal to ride on public roads. Yes I’m a dickhead mother for buying one, but he was happy as Larry being independent especially where we live.

What’s my teen doing now? Erm, looking a e skateboards online! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

KOK, I work in a school for children with mild to moderate learning difficulties and can understand why you are keen on pushing ILS for DS.
Some children just can’t cope with being left to their own devices and are unable to manage unstructured time in the same way as children without additional needs.

Good for you, as it does help a lot, when one is working with such young people.

Mine was doing that, and I realised that walks etc weren't appealing for him so I asked him what sort of outdoorsy things he fancied and so we've booked some things up - Aquapark, windsurfing, scuba diving and fishing (all just one day things but if he takes to any we can go again). He's very enthusiastic about that and because he has things to look forward to he actually willingly came on a 25k steps walk with us yesterday! Then I don't mind if he's glued to his phone for a bit (except I can't wake him up this morning! 😂)

My 15yo is doing school work this week in the mornings as he has past papers and design research to do and has avoided it all summer.

He will do a family day if he has prior warning (we've been to an Aqua park with friends, country park walk, visiting family etc) but otherwise we let him sort his own schedule.

He's had a part time job this summer and is very social so sees friends a lot but they don't tend to go out until later afternoon so in the mornings he usually gets up late, watches TV or games, prepares himself food...he's pretty good at it actually.

The only thing I do is go in and throw his blind up and windows open and try not to nag about the state of his room.
My mum used to make me feel terribly guilty for not being busy the whole time and I'm trying really hard not to inflict this on him.