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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers and grandparents expectations

30 replies

thechattyrabbit · 06/08/2021 14:08

Looking for some advice...

Just popped to visit my parents (they live close by) and as soon as we arrived DM asked the children DS (14) and DD (11) if they wanted to go and put tv on. She didn't really have any conversation with them or ask them anything. As we came to leave DM told DS that they are disappointed in him as he hasn't been to mow their lawn this year (he did it a couple if times over lockdown last year) DS just said oh and didn't immediately offer to cut it. I tried to cajole him a bit at which point DM said she will remember that he hasn't been when it comes to birthday and Christmas presents. Hmm Once DS had stepped outside I tried to make light of the situation by saying we had a job to get him to do anything at home at the moment but added if they wanted to withhold presents that was fine.....(whilst I seethed inside about how controlling she likes to be)
I feel this isn't the end of the incident though so I'm just looking for some advice on how to handle this to avoid a big falling out over a minor thing! My DPs hadn't specifically asked DS if he'd like to cut the lawn this week/next week etc and DS definitley isn't organised enough to think about when their lawn may need cutting! My DM wouldn't phone or text and ask him - he's just expected to remember. Secondly at 14 I think DS is old enough to decide if he wants to go and if he says no then that's fine - he shouldn't be sent on a guilt trip about it. I did have a chat to him afterwards about DMs expectations but what else can I do? Thanks!

OP posts:
Chibbles · 06/08/2021 14:12

Very rude of her.

Why didn't she ask him to do it if that's what she wanted?

A 14 year old isn't just going to choose to turn up and cut the lawn without being asked.

FenceSplinters · 06/08/2021 14:12

I wouldn’t have let him mow her lawn after that! Let her withhold presents if she wants to - they should be gifts, not payment for cutting her grass.

IHateFlies · 06/08/2021 14:16

I’m all for helping people out but that’s rubbish. It’s not really much of a relationship. Why would he help out?

Billybagpuss · 06/08/2021 14:18

Was dm very serious and genuinely expecting him to do this, or was she joking with him. It’s probably worth a quiet word with her that at 14 he probably would give up his time to do his go lawn if they asked but it’s not going to be top of his mind. He’s 14 has schoolwork and some serious socialising to do after last year. Also last year he wasn’t Allowed to meet up with friends. It’s also worth mentioning that punishing him through Christmas gifts is their prerogative but the result will taint his opinion of them.

user1493494961 · 06/08/2021 14:32

I might ask teen Grandchildren if they were able to mow the lawn but I would pay them to do so. If they didn't want to do it, no worries.

EL8888 · 06/08/2021 14:35

Can she not remember what teenagers are like?! She’s being unrealistic and unreasonable

BeetleyCarapace · 06/08/2021 14:40

Your mother hadn't made it clear that she would like your DS to mow her lawn. If it is to be a regular thing, it should be set up as such and explained to DS that he needs to go round and wield the Flymo weekly.

Pegging the lawn-mowing to birthday/Christmas gifts is nasty of her, especially after the event. If it's to be a regular thing, it's either just one of his expected chores or it's done for a fiver each time or something. Saying nothing, building up resentment, and then punishing him by withholding gifts is... well, it's unpleasant and manipulative, isn't it?

When you sided with your mother telling her that it's a struggle to get him to do anything effectively you've told her that you think he's lazy -- and also that it was OK by you to withhold gifts. That feels a bit mean, although I can appreciate you felt caught on the hop and stuck in the middle there. You effectively agreed with her stance on the whole thing and cut your son off at the knees (metaphorically speaking) to appease your mother.

And sure, your DS could be a bit more helpful. But he's also 14 so might need some help at least setting up the frameworks for the helpfulness.

Is there a wider context here, about how your mother is? If so the best way forward might be to sever the link between DS doing things and her 'favour' now rather than later. If they needs the lawn mowing, they either do it themselves or they get someone in to do it. Making their expressions of love for your DS conditional on the performance of a task that they haven't made clear is manipulative.

AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 14:41

Your DM doesn't sound very nice tbh.

Threatening to withhold presents is quite unkind tbh. Fair enough to hope that he might help his grandparents if asked, but not reasonable to just expect it and punish him if he doesn't meet that expectation.

My parents have two teenage grandchildren who both adore them. DM and DF both give very freely to their dgc - time as well as money - without ever having expected anything in return. As a consequence, both dd and dnephew adore their grandparents and would do anything they could to help them.

You reap what you sow. Your mother is making her relationship with your ds into a purely transactional one. If he chooses in future to engage with her only when there is something in it for him, then she will be responsible for that.

TeapotCollection · 06/08/2021 14:41

😮 your poor son, that’s horrible

TeapotCollection · 06/08/2021 14:42

AlexaShutUp

Your DM doesn't sound very nice tbh.

^ yes, this!

mewkins · 06/08/2021 14:42

I would expect her to ask and offer payment so that he can earn some pocket money. I wouldn't get him to do anything for her after what she has said.

FatCatThinCat · 06/08/2021 14:44

Why does she need him to cut the grass? Are they unable to do it themselves?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 06/08/2021 14:47

Xmas sorted..
I goat for your dm.
Grin

LawnFever · 06/08/2021 14:47

Wow your DM is really rude!

I think you should talk to her tbh, really unfair to put him on the spot like that and bringing Christmas into it is awful behaviour on her part!

If she wants to ask if he’ll mow the lawn she needs to ask that question- how on earth would he know that’s what she wants?

And it’s up to him if he wants to do it, not so he’ll get some backhanded reward in Christmas presents!

Are you going to talk to her about this? I don’t think you should let this go.

LotLessBovver · 06/08/2021 14:51

Your DM sounds very unpleasant. If she wants a regular gardener then she needs to either employ one or actually ask for help (not demand or expect it).

I certainly wouldn't be encouraging DS to go back.

MzHz · 06/08/2021 14:53

Gifts come with ribbons and bows, not strings attached

AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 14:54

@MzHz

Gifts come with ribbons and bows, not strings attached
Never heard that before, but so true!
ittakes2 · 06/08/2021 15:08

I am a bit confused why you tried to make light of a negative with anothr negative! Why make him feel bad by saying you were also disappointed in him - but of a double whammy and mixed messages as it sounds like you are agreeing with him he is being lazy. "Once DS had stepped outside I tried to make light of the situation by saying we had a job to get him to do anything at home at the moment..."

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/08/2021 15:10

Your DM sounds as if she uses guilt trips and threats to get what she wants, but doesn't put any effort into developing a real relationship with her grandchildren.

Why can't she ask her GS if he'd like to mow the lawn and offer pay him like a normal person.

Kite22 · 06/08/2021 15:11

Agree with everyone else.

Your dm sounds rude.
No way would I be "expecting" him to be cutting her grass on a regular basis. If she wanted to encourage him to then she could offer to pay him to do it - most teens would like to be able to earn a bit of money.

Why though, she thinks he 'ought to' be cutting her grass is beyond me. As you say, she doesn't even want to chat to them when you call round.

As for the cutting his Christmas / Birthday gifts - I'd pick that up with her and tell he not to bother if that is how she feels. It is an awful attitude to have towards your grandchildren.

thechattyrabbit · 06/08/2021 15:19

Thanks everyone - Your comments are all really helpful and pretty much what I thought but needed some reassurance!

Nail on the head that DM can be manipulative I generally try to ignore it but cant ignore it when DS is involved so think a chat may be in order. In her defence she was paying him but that's the only bit of defence I'm going to give!

@EL8888 Don't think she has a clue what teenagers are like anymore!

@BeetleyCarapace I hadn't thought about that being me 'siding with her' certainly didn't mean it like that and DS wasn't there during that bit of the conversation although he can be quite lazy Grin Has made me think though as I don't want to perpetuate DMs behaviour!

@MzHz I've not heard that before either but am definitley going to use it

OP posts:
AllTheSingleLadiess · 06/08/2021 15:31

Why did you try and cajole him into offering ? Your poor son.

My mum can be like this and if I was in contact with her then it would be my job to suggest to my teens that they might want to mow her lawn to be in her good books but luckily for them I am NC so they are blissfully unaware of what it's like to be judged for stuff that you didn't know you were being judged for.

My teens wouldn't care about the presents from granny. I'd be telling her not to bother with gifts for any of my kids or me in future and certainly not be remembering hers.

Datsandcogs · 06/08/2021 16:16

Your so. Doesn’t owe your parents anything. At the very least your Mum should have ASKED him to mow and would definitely expect to pay him for doing so.

She certainly shouldn’t be throwing a strop or threatening to withhold presents.

Your Mum needs to apologise to your son. Your son shouldn’t be expected to mow, I wouldn’t for a stroppy cow like your Mum!

WeAllHaveWings · 06/08/2021 16:25

My DM had a brilliant relationship with my niece, but that is only because she stayed very local and as a teenager she choose to visit my DM independently a couple of times a week, so they actually talked to and knew each other because they could have conversations between themselves, even through the teenage years.

Her relationship with my ds was very different. ds would come with me to visit (we stayed further away so he couldn't go alone). She was brilliant when he was young and could play games etc, but as he got older (and she did too) she found it harder to understand the teenage mumbles, or relate to the things they are interested in. When we visited she would do the same old - how are you? how is school? do you want something to eat? are you sure you don't want something to eat? what about a slice of cake? do you want a packet of crisps? and that was the depth of their conversation.

Is it possible your mum is using the grass cutting as an awkward way to spend time with your ds alone to get to know him but feels she needs a "reason" for him to come over, and the comment about presents as a way to say she is feeling a bit neglected as she doesn't see him often or feels there is a growing void in the relationship with a child she loves?

I know my mum did similar, and thinking back so did my own gran who stayed a long distance away so our relationship really withered away to nothing when we were teens while she had great relationships with her local dgc.

Ds was keen to visit when my dad was there as they would engage with each other (and wind each other up), but he just didn't click as much with mum, for a while I went with him and found an excuse to leave him there for an hour or so while I went to a shop for something but it never ignited much of anything so in the end I didn't force it.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2021 16:31

Your mother just killed any hope for a good relationship with her grandson. I hope she's happy.

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