Teenagers and grandparents expectations

[thechattyrabbit]

Looking for some advice...

Just popped to visit my parents (they live close by) and as soon as we arrived DM asked the children DS (14) and DD (11) if they wanted to go and put tv on. She didn't really have any conversation with them or ask them anything. As we came to leave DM told DS that they are disappointed in him as he hasn't been to mow their lawn this year (he did it a couple if times over lockdown last year) DS just said oh and didn't immediately offer to cut it. I tried to cajole him a bit at which point DM said she will remember that he hasn't been when it comes to birthday and Christmas presents. Once DS had stepped outside I tried to make light of the situation by saying we had a job to get him to do anything at home at the moment but added if they wanted to withhold presents that was fine.....(whilst I seethed inside about how controlling she likes to be)
I feel this isn't the end of the incident though so I'm just looking for some advice on how to handle this to avoid a big falling out over a minor thing! My DPs hadn't specifically asked DS if he'd like to cut the lawn this week/next week etc and DS definitley isn't organised enough to think about when their lawn may need cutting! My DM wouldn't phone or text and ask him - he's just expected to remember. Secondly at 14 I think DS is old enough to decide if he wants to go and if he says no then that's fine - he shouldn't be sent on a guilt trip about it. I did have a chat to him afterwards about DMs expectations but what else can I do? Thanks!

What 14 year old would spontaneously arrange to go and mow someone else’s lawn!? Mine wouldn’t have at that age, and he’s a lovely helpful kid! Your mum sounds manipulative and rude.

If she wants him to do their garden instead of doing in themselves, then she can ask him nicely and offer to pay him! Why should he go out of his way to help someone who treats him badly??

She’s a grandmother , she doesn’t get to have expectations , in future give your children the choice of whether or not they visit if you don’t already as I doubt that your son will bother ( and I don’t blame him ) .

Your poor kids, especially your son, must be feeling unwanted and unloved by their grandparents right now. Was your mother a ‘children must be seen and not heard’ type person when you were growing up? I’d say to her that you won’t be bringing the children to visit again unless she starts to show some genuine interest in them as people and doesn’t mention chores again. I suggested to my mum that perhaps my son could mow her lawn for some pocket money but she would rather have his company and pay a gardener.

It's passive aggressive shit.
Some people think it's funny.

Lots of MNers recommend this behaviour all the time; the British excel at this shit, imho.

There are ways to smooth it over with wit but I admit I'm not socially adept enough to do that. I'd be right in there with direct comments "Oh Mother! Did you want Tom to mow your lawn? Why didn't you ask, before? We're not mind-readers you know. Tom, would that be ok? When are you available?"

I feel for you OP but my immediate thought is that you need to stick up for your son, for his Nan to speak to him like that and then for you not to defend him sounds really tough for him.