How much do you comment on your teenager's appearance?

[KEVINChristmas]

Of they're wearing clothes that are too small, see-through, unflattering for example. Would you say anything?

A lot, and 99% of it positive

I try not to - although it’s very difficult as she’s gone from taking great care in her appearance to dressing like a boy completely, including covering her hair with a hat most of the time. I know it’s my issue rather than hers (she dresses very differently now to her entire friend group) but I also know teens dress for themselves and it’s a time for them to express themselves and experiment. It’s very hard though to not say anything.

I also comment logs.

Usually it's "you look smart" "good choice of clothes today"

But also will say if he's wearing tracksuit bottoms that clearly he's grown too tall for!

But my ds is autistic and really struggles with dressing appropriately (he'll wear full tracksuit on a cloudy summers day when it's 20° or shirts and t shirt on a sunny winters day when it's 2°!) so I positively reinforce when he re,enters to actually check the season and temperature and not just look skywards before getting dressed

I’m probably going to get slated for this but I tell my daughter if I think her outfits are too tight/see through etc. The key is to be diplomatic and useful IMO. I usually say something along the lines of “I think that dress is too short, why don’t you wear the lilac one”. The response is usually a laugh, eye roll and a swift exit. (She’s 18 now). When she was younger there were a few times I made her change clothes because the skirt/dress was too short or inappropriate for the occasion. I have always made a conscious effort to compliment her the majority of the time. I must admit I’ve struggled with this part of parenting.

I try not to auto 'go to' appearance because I think society scrutinises teenage girls too much.
I do factually tell them if they have a ladder in tights /hair is messy at back. Never the first thing I say though - seems critical.
And I do say they look lovely from time to time.
I might give a guideline about what's suitable to certain occasions, but going out with friends I think its up to them.

I will. Positive comments and also suggestions.
So, I say when I think something is nice.
When I don't like a look, I tend to say something like "Well, it wouldn't be my choice".
I might say something like "Have you got a white / nude bra, as I think it might look better under that top" or something, and because she know it comes from a place of love, she will listen, and either let me know that {whatever I mention} is a 'deliberate look', OR , will say "Oh, I didn't know it showed through" or "no, I can't find it, is it in the wash?" or something and she might change.
Generally, because we've talked over years, about outfits that look nice / don't look nice on others etc etc then she has good judgement anyway. She knows it's either chest or legs for example.
Of course there's a load of stuff she wears that wouldn't be my choice. It would be odd if the next generation weren't trying to wear things that are different from their parents, but this is much more about them not feeling personally attacked.

Oh, and I also ask her for advice about my clothes sometimes. It makes it a very normal conversation about what looks good on you / what is suitable or not for different occasions.

I do sometimes have to mention stains etc. to one of mine because she is ND and has asked me to help her notice things she might not notice herself.

But I will always make some kind of positive comment to all of them when they've got ready to go out because I think it's so important for them to have that feeling of walking in to a room and feeling good.

And yes as others have said - always sandwich it... "oh wow I love what you did to your hair! That skirt is so cute but there's a tiny mark on it" for example

I tell her shes pretty once in a while, that's it.

@Wearywithteens

I’m just brutally honest. But like Simon Cowell on the X factor panel, I’m the one whose opinion matters the most.

You think???

@54321nought

A lot, and 99% of it positive

This is me too.

She knows I don’t like a lot of the clothes she chooses (been a running joke since primary school). But I usually say things like
I hate it, but it looks amazing on you

There’s a whole world out there ready and willing to tear her down/criticise/perv on her.
I just want her to feel good about herself.

Generally the most critical thing I’ll say is “you’re going to get a LOT of attention”
We’ve talked a lot about men and how they choose to interpret women.
At the end of the day, I just want her to be safe!

I said to my 13 yr old the other day hey can you change that shirt before we go out, it has some bleach marks on it. No drama and no offence taken, I say the same sort of thing to his father all the time, it’s a running joke how ratty my husband dresses round the yard. Even I wear my husbands ancient button up shirts to do yard work and cleaning.My kids will ask me to change if I was to go out in public with them wearing my crappy clothes. I will say To him you’ve got too tall to wear that now or ask if he’s brushed his hair but won’t comment on weight but will comment on his skin - we talk openly about what products work for him and if he wants to try something else. We had a day of my 2 sons and I wearing charcoal face peels which seemed pretty normal. I try to normalise the stuff we can do something about and Hope confidence just comes with that. My 2 boys have their own personal clothes preferences with one hating anything that’s not plain, hating brands that can be seen and happy to buy the one shirt in 4 colours for the year. The younger likes branded clothes and football shirts, he is the one with brighter joggers but is happy in hand me downs as well.

My daughter is a complete different story, I honestly find parenting her so much harder. I think I may just move out when she becomes a teenager.

I was only ever positive.

I try to stick to positive comments only, and bite my tongue if there is something I don't like. I have told her once that she needed to wear a bra with a particular outfit!

I only make positive comments as he looks great in anything, he could wear a bin bag and it would look good. He is a very handsome, pretty boy
but doesn't see this at all so I would never say anything negative. For instance, he is critical that he is thin rather than muscular on the arms but he is tall and has broad shoulders, he is only 14 so I am sure the muscle will come.

I never have to say anything to my daughter as she wears nice stuff and doesn't favour the blown up lips and tight and massively revealing clothing style popular at the moment so it's not an issue. Unless it looked very bad i'd keep my mouth shut.

My son on the other hand tells me he's developing a 'style ' and has made a few unwise fashion decisions recently which we have had a few 'discussions' about. He's found a hippy shop near uni and was favouring what I call his Hare Krishna pantaloons and a pair of truly hideous shorts I tell him look like Austrian tourist shorts. He also started wearing a pair of braces occasionally with jeans - cue a few Rock on Tommy comments that go over his head.

He went out in a long winter coat on what turned out to be one of the hottest days of the year and went clubbing during torrential rain in bright pink shorts and a yellow T Shirt.

But then I remember what myself and some friends used to wear. I had a friend with a green mohican. So I haven't a leg to stand on really.

Due to the fact she's doing the full 90s Kate Moss tiny dress thing as daywear, we mostly cackle madly and reminisce about our clubbing days.

Also tell her when she's got holes in her tights and try to convince her to wear almost any other coat she owns than the XXL 80s Adidas horror over her fabulous tiny dresses.

But mostly the cackling. We're easily entertained.

They comment on what I wear so fair game for me to say something on what they wear.

With DS it's usually blunt "You smell! --When did you last change your t-shirt?"

I'm more likely to comment on impractical footwear than anything "Hope you aren't walking far in those..."

I try to put a less harsh spin on it - 'looks like we need to get you some new trousers / t-shirts, you're shooting out of those'. Or 'I think that shirt needs a wash, why not put X one on and pop that one in the machine'. 'Dad's going for a haircut on Friday, why don't you go with him' kind of thing.

I’m just brutally honest. But like Simon Cowell on the X factor panel, I’m the one whose opinion matters the most.

No you're not.

I am still affected by the unasked for criticism and ridicule received regarding my appearance from my parents, especially my mum, when I was a teenager so my advice would be to tread carefully and be respectful if you feel you absolutely must say anything negative.

Positive comments are absolutely fine as long as they are sincere, not OTT and not used to define them as people 😊

I used to comment quite a lot in different ways and at different ages.

Unroll your skirt, that shirt is missing buttons, do your tie up properly etc.
You need a new blazer/jeans/swimming costume as that is too small.
You are not coming to grandma's birthday party dressed like that. Please go and change.
You look beautiful.

You look very handsome in that - nice colour.
Shall we order a nude colour bra that doesn't show through before you go to Charlotte's party?
Is there not a dress code, sweetie pie?
Are you sure that counts as a shirt for school?

That sort of thing.

I dread this stage! I know I didn’t like my mum criticising what I wore and making me feel fat at times, so definitely don’t want to replicate that. But I suspect the answer is all in the relationship - I felt criticised by her and at the receiving end of her unwanted opinions long before I was a teen wearing too short skirts. I think wearywithteens approach sounds borne out of this - they are interested in her opinion. My aim would be teen girls who value my opinion enough to take it into consideration at times, and confident enough to disregard it if they disagree.