Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen ignoring boundaries/rules/consequences

55 replies

borrymum · 03/08/2021 08:53

What do you do when your 16 year old refuses to follow any house rules? Then they ignore consequences. I have kept boundaries in place and keep enforcing basic rules such as curfews, not being on their phone all night, keeping up with school work and they ignore it all. Tried to take the phone away twice (in the space of 6 months in utter desperation) and he ran away both times, switched off the broadband and he tried to smash the house up. He is aggressive, argumentative and does not communicate with us. He is failing at school as well. We have no one to help and no where for him to go so we can get some peace for a while, it's making us ill.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 03/08/2021 17:47

@BorryMum

Dh had a breakdown last year and his mental health is fragile. Ds knows this and plays on it, no empathy at all.
Crossed post with this.
Sssloou · 03/08/2021 17:51

It would also likely have been v traumatic for your DS to have witnessed his fathers MH breakdown. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour at all but might explain some of it.

What was their relationship like before?
Are they similar? Does he see himself in his Dad? That might be terrifying and he might be worried about his own MH.

What other impacts has the breakdown had on family life? Was there a long period of disruption before? Did he lose his job?

Original poster
BorryMum · 03/08/2021 17:51

@Sssloou your post made me cry as it is all true, I've got myself into this mess and can't find a way out. I really want a peaceful patch so I can say that due to him calming down I can relax all of the rules and we can work it out. At the moment he says he is doing all of this so that we will give in and let him do what he wants. It's a mess

OP posts:
Original poster
BorryMum · 03/08/2021 17:59

Dh and Ds are very different. Dh is ex military, quiet, reliable and very matter of fact, Ds is much more emotional, fun loving and outgoing. The breakdown was very unexpected and due to his Dad dying along with starting a new job and feeling out of his depth. Can't go into details but he was physically very unwell and I had to keep it all going for quite a few months. It was hard for all of us but we got through it and Dh is so much better now. I actually got through fine at the time but im tired and losing weight and I just crave some peace. I can't see an end to it and find that really hard. A bit of me does feel that after keeping it all going I deserve a bit of a break

OP posts:
Sssloou · 03/08/2021 18:05

I can imagine the intense stress you are under. Seems that there are many, many relentless factors at play and have been for some time. You all must be frazzled.

But no one has to “give in” - you can all be winners if YOU change gear.

Are you worried about saving face? It’s not wrong to have a rethink, evolve and adapt.

Try the compassionate approach. Tell him that you are aware of the pressure he is under and you want to release some of that for him.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 03/08/2021 18:09

Ssslou’s advice is very solid

My teens (16,18) don’t have curfew really in summer, but I want them to txt me when they are on their way home. That way I know when/if to worry. Sometimes they sleep over at friends houses (they love crashing on someone’s sofa)

“Quality” socialising is often later than us oldies like Grin If I’d make them be home by 10:30, they’d miss all the fun. Some won’t have turned up before 10

Gaming is often at late times too, esp gaming tournaments

Agree that witnessing a parent having a mental health crisis is a really big deal to a teen.

Be kind to yourself and him, sneak a hug if you can and follow ssslou’s advice

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 03/08/2021 18:13

I once tried to lay down strict law about gaming time, then later changed my mind . I said that I decided to trust them to self regulate

Did not feel like losing face, just pragmatic. They did get better at self regulating

Sssloou · 03/08/2021 18:14

I suspect that your DS was shocked to see his quiet, reliable Dad fall apart. That must have shocked him to the core and his “acting out” by mocking him and failing at school is a consequence of the stress the whole family have been under.

But you have survived it. It could have gone in many other directions. That’s all down to you. But you are emotionally exhausted and need to take care of yourself otherwise you will go under. These huge life events impact standard timelines so it’s not a big deal if your DS repeats a year.

Just aim for a calm and peaceful home each hour.

Original poster
BorryMum · 03/08/2021 18:18

Thank you doesn't seem enough. Just to be listened to and not judged as I expected has lifted a bit of the weight. I'm going to have to change a lot and am keen to relax the rules as suggested and see how it goes. Lots to think about x

OP posts:
ODFOx · 03/08/2021 21:03

In AdVance of the course (if you go for it): boundaries are critical. Don't assert boundaries in anger. Discuss and agree reasonable vs unreasonable in advance, then the f sanctions need to be imposed they are neither a surprised we nor a cause of aggression.
Remember to show and tell him that you love him and remember that you need to be a parent just as your DS needs you to parent him and set firm but not unreasonable boundaries, even if he doesn't recognise it).
Good luck x

mumonthehill · 03/08/2021 21:12

You know when they are babies and you creep around the house so as not to wake the baby, well when you get a tricky teenager you tend to creep around the house so as not to upset said teenager and have world war 3. I feel your pain but pick your battles, let go, breathe before you react and try and keep communication open.

lljkk · 03/08/2021 21:54

I had some similar things with my now 21yr old. Funny enough he joined the military. I was just grateful that he had direction & aspirations. Is doing fairly well now, but still a belligerent personality.

I want to suggest that you go hands off on these things, they just aren't worth WW3.

*cleaning his room
*doing household chores (yes he's a git not to, but it's a stupid thing to have big battles about; siblings will complain so praise them for doing their fair helpful share)
*mostly what happens to his academics (yes really, you have bigger problems)

Does he go nuclear every night at 11:30?

it is very useful if you can find times you still enjoy each other OP said the lad is emotional & fun-loving can you ever have a laugh with him? You need to cultivate those moments & repair the social bonds.

Sssloou · 04/08/2021 14:17

@BorryMum

Thank you doesn't seem enough. Just to be listened to and not judged as I expected has lifted a bit of the weight. I'm going to have to change a lot and am keen to relax the rules as suggested and see how it goes. Lots to think about x
I think you are all in this together as a family.

Everyone has suffered and is handing it (expressing, repressing or processing it) in different ways.

Maybe your DS has been impacted significantly and potentially has the most to lose (academics / college) as a consequence of the specific timing of the unavoidable upheaval in your family due to your DH’s breakdown.

It would be a real relief for him also to have any judgement or pressure lifted at this time - just to give him the emotional space to settle and gain perspective.

You have all come through so much already. If you look at people compassionately it’s easier to understand them and find respectful, collaborative, supportive, adult solutions for you all. Locking horns is futile and exhausting.

Cut yourself some slack, rest up and restore because it’s often only after a big trauma that the physical and mental price is paid.

atlastifoundit · 04/08/2021 14:32

@lljkk

Sounds awful. Flowers

is he just 16 or closer to 17?

At some point, I think it's important to increasingly recognise that you can't just tell them what to do. If you try, you run risk of creating these horrible conflicts. You have to persuade them to agree to the boundaries and rules you want because they want security, to be considerate of others, and these boundaries help them achieve their goals. You want to remind them of their aspirations & get them to agree about what are the better choices they could make. They need good self-esteem to make the best choices -- it's hard for teens to have good self-esteem.

When he goes out, where does he go, what's he up to, who is he spending time with?

I think it is also important for someone who is almost an adult to realise that they can't just become aggressive and try to smash the house up when they are angry.

Sorry to say this OP, but if he gets violent like that again, you need to call the police on him - because he needs something to shock him out of it. Before he really hurts you or someone else.

Original poster
BorryMum · 04/08/2021 15:58

I've slept on it and I'm taking it all in now and trying to come up with a plan that works for us all. First step is remove the WiFi block. I've talked to Dh and he is reluctant to 'give in to blackmail' so it will have to be baby steps so that everyone is in agreement. I will try to get everyone into a better frame of
mind so that it can get to the point where we can have a conversation where we all come up with compromise. Not sure how long that will take or if it will work. I got Ds to finally tidy today and when he did he wanted to go out until late so I said yes. Hoping a bit more give and take will begin but it's going to be long and slow so that Dh and Ds can meet in the middle.

OP posts:
Original poster
BorryMum · 04/08/2021 16:17

Just thought of a positive, he does tell me where he goes and what he is doing, at least he is still communicating that

OP posts:
Sssloou · 04/08/2021 16:29

That’s a great approach - little increments - one thing at a time - each give and take a bit - so it’s a slow steady change in energy and dynamics so that you can all agree and accept new arrangements. Just cross each bridge when you come to it etc.

It’s the only way forward that you have as the current highly regulated, authoritarian approach is not working for any of you and has backfired.

This might be harder for your DH to adapt to with his military mindset but he needs to be clear what the end game is and trust that you will all come out the other side.

I also think that as he was more comfortable getting you to front the discipline alone to date - he needs to be actively engaged, supportive, open-minded and encouraging of the shift in approach otherwise any “quiet resentment” will lead to growing contempt which everyone will sense and little will be achieved.

Good luck. You’ve got your hands full. I hope you can take space for yourself and you are supported.

Original poster
BorryMum · 04/08/2021 17:39

Spot on again @Sssloou with your comments about the built up resentment. Planning a day out with Dd next week for a break.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 04/08/2021 18:07

Good for you - shame you can’t make it a week …. take and make lots of time for yourself to refuel. You deserve it.

SLE68 · 06/08/2021 15:29

I have followed this post with interest due to some similarities with my own son (who is only 14). The replies have really given me some food for thought and I truly wish you all the very best for your own situation. Easing off and relaxing the parenting approach feels almost counter-intuitive but I am starting to see what might gained from going down this route. Good luck x

Original poster
BorryMum · 06/08/2021 19:12

Welcome to the club no one wants to join @SLE68 😂. Early days but even just a bit of stepping back and letting it go a bit has helped me to get some energy back. Hope it helps you too x

OP posts:
SLE68 · 06/08/2021 20:25

@BorryMum that sounds encouraging - I'm pleased for you. Good luck x

Original poster
BorryMum · 04/09/2021 14:10

I thought I would give an update to let you all know how it's going. I took on board everything that was said and started to ease off on the rules while still maintaining some non negotiable boundaries (felt
Counter intuitive but so pleased I did it). First step was the WiFi block, we took it off the next day, DH was reluctant but I persuaded him. It wasn't easy and we did fall out about it but it really did the trick and diffused the tension. I also backed off a lot emotionally and was very matter of fact, I only discussed day to day things and didn't get drawn into emotional conversations. The mood has lifted between us and slowly he has calmed down and has started wanting to chat to us, him and DH have started to communicate a bit too. I feel so much more relaxed and realise we were trying to impose too many rules on him and he felt backed into a corner and was lashing out. I am still a bit wary, school starts next week and he may get tired and angry again but I will continue to let him self regulate and see how it goes. Thanks again for the support and advice as it really helped.

OP posts:
Original poster
BorryMum · 08/09/2021 13:02

Ok scrap that, back to square one and two days into sixth form he is getting kicked out

OP posts:
InspectorHastings · 09/09/2021 07:58

@BorryMum I'm so sorry to hear that, sounds not entirely unexpected. I hope your DS finds something to do instead, and the work that you've done on building your bond means he can explain it to you.

I wasn't on the thread originally but just read it, I wanted to say what a great bunch of advice this is, nice one Mumsnet.